Writing is hard.
Playlist: Magic Loop -DJDS
THEN - 12 years old:
No one can stand
in between me and my man
it's me and Mr. Swan
Bella watched, a small smile on her face, as her parents danced around the small living room to the Amy Winehouse song. It was a favorite of Renee's and Bella loved the booming laugh that left her father's mouth when her mother replaced Mr. Jones with Mr. Swan.
The whole family cherished moments like these, especially after Charlie's diagnosis eight months ago. Charlie's pancreatic cancer had advanced quickly, leaving him jaundiced, underweight and almost always nauseous. Today was a good day for Charlie, which meant it was a good day for everyone.
Bella held a three-year-old Alice on her lap, waving her chubby arms in time with the music as she giggled. As Bella watched her parents, her heart swelling with love and joy, she wished that this moment could last forever.
"Get up, girls!" Charlie smiled, his large, slightly shaking hand reaching out towards his daughters.
With Alice in her arms, Bella joined her parents as they each wrapped an arm around the girls and swayed.
Later, Renee snapped thousands of pictures as Bella's young face was illuminated by the warm candle lights on her ice-cream cake.
"Make a wish, baby." Her dad whispers.
Closing her eyes, Bella wishes- as hard as she can- for her father to be better.
.
.
.
That night, Bella layed in bed with her father as he worked to mask the pain on his face. He didn't do very well. With Renee gone at her second job and Alice asleep, Bella stayed up to make sure her father was doing alright. She did this often, not trusting the state appointed nurse who barely looked up from her phone. Turning to her side, she grabs the oxycontin from the nightstand, offering him two. The sound of The Golden Girls fills the room as Bella watches the painful expression on Charlie's face subside, a dazed but content expression replacing it. Curious, she turns again, grabbing a pill and quickly swallowing it dry.
It's the first time she takes a prescription pill, Charlie too out of it to notice she's high. It feels...nice and she somehow feels more connected to her dad this way. She wants to feel what he feels, and as she rests her head on his shoulders, the two laughing at the television show, she whispers.
"You're my best friend, Daddy."
Slowly, he reaches over to caress her face and unruly hair, his smile big.
"You're mine too." He responds.
NOW
Two weeks after the phone flushing fiasco, Bella is in her bedroom after a shower. It's the night before her birthday and she sits at her desk, the dim light from her lamp illuminating the scattered homework in front of her.
She works at a rapid pace, hoping to finish her work on time to catch up on her shows.
This routine is nice, and one she has steadily kept up since school began again.
School, practice or hang outs and then home to do work.
Before, Bella didn't really have a schedule. She would often miss school days, only coming in for practice. Some nights, she'd sneak out and make her way to Riley.
Though it'd only feel like a night to her, she'd be gone for days at a time. Now, Aunt Carmen would peek into her room periodically- even in the early morning hours. Bella wasn't allowed to have a lock on her bedroom door, and she had recently earned the right to close her door at all.
How things had changed.
She took a minute to be in the moment, her eyes closing as she nodded her head along to a Tame Impala song.
Sometimes she couldn't believe that she had almost come close to losing it all.
She's brought out of her thoughts when her music stops, and is instead replaced with the FaceTime ringtone. Looking at the time - 11pm- Bella knows it could only be Rosalie, Zafrina, Angela or Jasper. She was sure they had all caught each other up on enough gossip for the night- what could have happened now?
Her mouth falls open with a 'pop' when she sees the 'E' and star emoji on her screen instead.
"Shit." She whispers, rushing to disconnect her new phone from the stereo and fix her appearance. She fluffs her curls, and applies some vaseline to her lips. Running out of time, she taps the green button to answer, waiting for the video feed to connect.
Edwards face pops up, a beautifully modern kitchen behind him as he squints adorably into the camera.
Bella giggles, staring at his tired face and disheveled hair.
"Hey." he says, his voice as tired as he looks.
Bella adjusts her phone so that it remains propped up on her laptop, trying to fix her wild curls in the camera.
"Isn't it past bedtime?" She teases, her stomach fluttering at the fact that this was even happening.
He smiles at her, and even through the camera, she can feel the intensity of his eyes.
"For you, maybe."
"Please." She rolls her eyes.
"What are you doing?" He asks, his eyes seeming to look behind her into her room.
"Homework."
"Same. Want a study buddy?"
She smiles.
"Sure, if you're good."
The call is random and totally unexpected. They had known each other for three weeks now, but in that time hadn't texted or called one another. With football and dance in full swing, the two were easily swept up in all the excitement. They still spoke everyday, having Honors English and Study Hall together, but that was mostly it.
Bella hadn't seen Edward after practice again, a part of her relieved. After their flirty interaction the last time he drove her home, she didn't know if she could do it again without literally combusting.
Their interactions remained mostly friendly. Of course they flirted, something that seemed to happen naturally with them, but it had never progressed into anything overt or aggressive.
Maybe Edward sensed that Bella needed to go…slow. She both appreciated and resented that.
It sucked trying to be practical.
They spent the next half hour working on their respective assignments as they spoke. Their conversation was inconsequential for the most part, but fun all the same.
Once in a while, there would be silence as they actually wrote down their answers, but it was never awkward. It was a comfortable silence, something that came with the familiarity of an old friend or loved one.
At one point, Bella found herself leaving her desk, Edward in hand as she gives him a tour of her room.
"This is my dresser," She says, moving quickly as to not draw attention to the picture frames on it.
"Wait- lemme see the pictures." Edward insisted, his face even closer to the camera now.
"Ugh. No." Bella whined.
"Why not? I'll show you mine." He said, a small laugh escaping his lips at the innuendo.
Rolling her eyes, Bella sighs.
"Cause, I look goofy as hell."
"Never."
What the hell, she thought as she turned her phone back to the array of frames on the dresser. There were several pictures of young Bella, some alone and others with her parents or Aunt. One with her Grandfather. Another, more recent one with Alice and her on the beach, the sunlight illuminating the girl's highlights.
"Who's that little girl on your hip?" Asks Edward.
"My baby sister, Alice." Bella says. Edward can hear the small smile in her voice.
"She's really cute. Looks like you." He comments.
Bella's heart flutters. Was this his way of saying she was cute?
"She really is. This picture was two years ago, when she was six. She's eight now but not that much bigger."
Edward laughs. "You could literally be her mother. It's wild."
"Sometimes it felt like I was." She says quietly. She doesn't mean to say it out loud but once it's out, it's out.
"Why's that?" He asked, his voice quiet. The humor gone.
He's lying on his couch now, his face squished by one of the throw pillows.
Bella bites her lip, walking over to her bed and mimicking his position.
"When my dad got sick, mom had to get two jobs. She had to pay off the medical debt on top of all the regular bills. Alice was only three or four years old then, so she needed a lot of looking after. We had some help from family and friends for a while but a lot of it fell on me." She says, Looking away from the camera.
"Um." She can feel herself getting emotional. This is why she couldn't talk about this shit. She was beginning to regret it.
"I don't have any siblings, but when my father died, it hit my mom and I pretty hard too. I can't even imagine adding another kid into that mix." He says, his voice soft and reassuring. His expression is thoughtful, but he doesn't look as emotional as she does.
"So, I get it. At least, part of it." He continues.
"I'm sorry." She says.
"Me too."
"Ugh. I killed the mood."
"Not even. I asked. I'm glad you told me." He sounds sincere.
She's quiet then, thinking about everything and nothing at once. Edward's father had died too? She wondered how - naturally? accidentally? purposefully?
"You can talk to me, you know that?" He asks, suddenly. He sits up on his couch, a new energy about him.
"Mmm." Bella hums, not wanting to commit with an actual response.
"You can." He insists.
"Maybe I should quit going to my therapist and talk to you instead." She jokes.
"Maybe," He chuckles for moment, biting his lip. He looks as if he is deliberating something.
"I like talking to you." He says quietly.
Bella glows on the inside.
"Me too." She responds, just as quiet.
Suddenly Edward says, "Happy Birthday."
Confused but thankful for the change of topic, Bella looks at the time on her laptop. She's finally seventeen.
"Thanks. How'd you know it's my birthday?"
"Jasper."
"Oh my god." She rolls her eyes. Jasper talks way too much.
"So what are you doing? For your birthday?"
Bella sits back up, shrugging. She didn't hate birthdays, per se, but she was also never big on doing anything either. If she was being honest, she had been way too high to care the past couple of birthdays.
"Nothing, I guess. Go to school?" She laughs.
"Let me take you out." Edward says.
Bella hesitates. Edward notices.
"It can be with a group." He offers.
Still quiet, Bella plays with her hair as she contemplates the offer.
"Ok." she finally responds.
Edward's smile is huge.
"Ok."
"I'm sorry." Bella says, "I know I'm annoying. I'm all flaky and scared... but you're a good person, Edward. Like...it's kind of crazy. Why are you so nice to me?"
Edward sits up on the couch now, eyes on Bella.
"You're not annoying. You kind of confuse me but...I like you." He responds, chuckling. "I mean, I try to be a decent human being in general but... I like you. If it wasn't obvious."
Bella bites the inside of her cheek, fighting a smile.
"It is kind of obvious," She teases. "You might wanna work on being more coy."
"Why would I do that when I know you like me too?"
Bella gasps, her cheeks reddening.
"W-what?" She sputters. "And how are you so sure?"
"You should see your face!" He laughs.
Bella glares.
"Ok. Jasper told me."
Fucking Jasper. Despite it being true, she had never told anyone that she had like Edward. Her friends teased and suspected, but Bella wasn't ready to get into all that. She was going to have a serious talk with Jasper about how to shut-up for once in his life.
"You and Jasper are not allowed to talk about me anymore! Oh my god."
"Don't be embarrassed."
"Too late! And I suddenly have the urge to sleep now. Goodnight!"
"I'll see you tomorrow."
After hanging up, Bella feels like a smitten fool.
The smile on her face could light up the whole town.
A/N: First, thanks to anyone reading, reviewing, following..etc!
Second, someone asked why Bella wont just block Riley. Trust -I would do that too. The answer here is - you can un-block someone just as easy as you block them. Part of any recovery process is letting go of bad things, that takes a while. Taking the choice away from herself was something this Bella felt she had to do. Also, this Bella is a bit dramatic. ;)
Next time, we have a date...kind of.
Leave me thoughts!