Playlist: Give Yourself A Try- The 1975
THEN: 15 years old.
Bella hates being angry. The shuddering breaths, the shaking hands and nasty way her flaming tongue would throw scorching words out. She hated it all, but it was she ever felt anymore.
She muttered to herself, holding back tears as she stomped down the dark road. It was only a bit past midnight and she had stealthily climbed out of her bedroom window on the first floor.
Just minutes before, she had yelled at her mother, tears streaming down her face, "I hate it here! I hate it here!"
"If you hate it here so much, then leave." her mother said back, her voice low but sharp and hurt evident in her eyes.
So Bella did leave, running away from the hurt she caused and the hurt she felt.
She wasn't sure she wanted to go to Rosalie's house, but it was the closest to her and she found herself headed there anyway. They hadn't been as close as they once were, the death of Bella's father changing everything and everyone. Bella tried not to think about that, knowing Rosalie would welcome her anyway.
She was selfless that way.
The night seemed to mirror Bella's mood, the trees that lined the street dark menacing above her as the wind howled sorrowly. And the quiet of the street that she could never quite enjoy was soon interrupted by the sound of tires on gravel and a bright light. Bella turned briefly, spotting the large black jeep whose tires she could hear slowing down as her heart rate sped up.
"Yo!"
Bella automatically turned her head as the car rolled to a stop next to her. Inside she could just barely make out two guys and one very bored looking girl. Nervous, Bella continued to walk.
"You need a ride?" The voice continued, closer and more familiar now. Did she know this guy?
Stopping under a streetlight, Bella peered closer into the front seat, her eyebrows rising in recognition.
"Hi, um."
Riley Biers sat, one hand on the steering wheel as he smiled. Both charming and dangerous, Bella wasn't sure what to make of the boy. She knew about him of course, as he was popular before dropping out the year before, but she had never interacted with him. What she did know what that Riley was cute, older and mysterious.
She almost couldn't believe he was here offering her a ride.
"I'm just walking. I have nowhere to go...in particular." She continued.
Riley briefly looked over at the boy in the passenger seat, subtly nodding his head towards the back. Without a word, the boy climbed over the threshold and fell into the back seat next to the girl. Turning back to look at Bella, he reaches over to unlock the door.
"You do now. If you're down."
Bella could feel her heart racing once again, the fluttering in her stomach enough to make her want to vomit. His words, though simple, felt like a dare. Something told her that wherever they were going, wouldn't be her scene but the more she contemplated the offer, the more she didn't care. Hanging out with these strangers would be easy. They didn't know her or her situation. They wouldn't pester her to open up or give her pitying looks.
Maybe she needed a new scene.
Wordlessly, she hopped in and strapped her seatbelt as Riley drove off.
NOW:
A blaring car horn drags Bella out of her daze. With a gasp, she pushes back on Edward's chest and moves as far as she can with his arms still wrapped around her. She looks up at his confused and slightly alarmed face. She could see the question in his eyes- had he hurt her or something?
Bella sighed, dropping her forehead to his chest as she worked to catch her breath. The quiet of the moment ruined, Bella began to freak out about her bold actions.
What did she do?
"Ah, fuck." She muttered.
She felt Edwards warm fingers as he lifted her chin, his eyes searching her face.
"What's wrong?' he whispers.
"I'm sorry," she whispers back.
Edward doesn't respond verbally, his eyes crinkling in question instead.
"We can't do that again. I mean- I guess what I'm saying is, I shouldn't have asked you to do that. I wanted you to so badly, but I wasn't thinking and I-"
Edward steps back, softly releasing Bella from his hold.
"Bella, what happened? I thought- I mean-" He stops when he notices the watering of her eyes. He can see the frustration and confusion in her eyes. It breaks his heart.
"I just...can't..right now," she says brokenly.
Edward opens his mouth to respond, but spotting her Aunt Carmen pulling in, Bella shakes her head. Wiping her face, she looks up at him, her eyes begging him to just..wait.
"Later. I promise we can talk."
Wordlessly, Edward nods his head.
"Alright."
" So you just like...ran away?" shrieks Angela.
Bella rolls her eyes as she stretches beside Jasper. Noticing her distracted demeanor all day, her friends pressed after dance practice.
She had worked hard to ignore avoid Edward all day, coming late to the classes they shared and skipping study hall.
After some dodging, Bella finally admits the previous night's events.
Predictably, the girls and Jasper are upset.
"I ship you guys so hard- you guys together give me life!" continues Angela.
"Bella, I adore you, hon- but you make no sense sometimes," says Jasper from his downward dog position.
"It made sense- in my head. I can't even explain it..."
"Try," says Zafrina from her position on the floor. Angela, Rose, and Jasper stop their stretching to give Bella their undivided attention as well.
"Ok." she sighs, determined to try and verbalize her jumbled thoughts. "I like him. He likes me. We know this, right? When we're together, I always forget the bullshit from my past but...If I want to be with him, I can't just ignore it. I would have to explain my past, I'd have to be totally open. Otherwise? It's just not fair to him. He doesn't know the bullshit that comes with being with an addict!" Bella's voice gets louder as she becomes more impassioned. " And that's the thing with being an addict too- everyone expects me to act like I'm not. Like I don't constantly crave that shit. Like I don't have to fight the urge to leave and escape my fucked up head. I'm clean now, but it's only been four months! Four! I can't drag him into my bullshit. I can't. He would fucking run if he knew the half of it."
By the end of her rant, Bella feels both better and worse. It feels good to finally explain her insecurity to her friends but it's hard to verbalize that she isn't normal. That she's afraid.
Before she can run from them too, her friends jump up and wordlessly pull Bella into a group hug.
"Oh, Bella" Sighs Rose. "You're breaking my heart"
Bella sniffles, her face buried in Japers' chest.
"And we all know what happened the last time I was with someone." Bella adds.
"I hear you- I think we all do- but Bella, you keep holding yourself to the standards of the past. You're trying to be better, but how can you if you won't forgive yourself? You think you only punish yourself but you also punish everyone who loves you. People who are trying to love you." Rose whispers into the small group.
"I just need...time."
"Time doesn't heal everything- it's what you do with that time that does," Jasper says matter of factly.
"That was really nice, Jazz." Zafrina snarks.
"Thank my former therapist!"
The group laughs, all breathing a bit easier after the tense moment. Bella smiles at the group, hoping her gratitude is reflected in her facial expression. She doesn't know how they put up with her crazy head.
Eventually, Bella and Jasper continue to work on the choreography for the upcoming pep-rally as the other girls watch and give their opinions. They work through most of the evening, finishing up close to 8 pm.
Bella is the last person left, wanting to perfect the choreography before teaching the team. When she hears the custodian in the halls, she knows it's late and she should bike home before her curfew.
The late hour in mind, she jumps when someone knocks on the door to the dance studio.
She's not totally surprised when she sees Edward leaning on the door frame, handsome as ever, with a hesitant expression on his face.
"Is it later, yet?"
My Mac is destroyed and has been for weeks! I wrote this on my tablet :\
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