AN: Hey guys! Thanks to everyone who has put me on their alerts! Please review so I know if there are mistakes. Also, please keep in mind that I actually wrote this as a book and then decided to fanfic it as Peeta and Katniss, so if you see a wrong name or a wrong description let me know so I can fix it!
When I make it down to the book room in the morning, I have my mind set on what I need to do. I need more information in order to be able to make my choice. There is that word again: choice. It may even be a necessity to tell Peeta how I feel about him. That could turn out a few different ways, but honestly, at this point, it doesn't seem like I would have much to lose. If I don't decide to match with him, I have a feeling our friendship will be ruined anyway. Telling him wouldn't change that. I also need to tell him why I feel so weary about this possible… choice. That's what this would all boil down to. I would have a choice with him. I could choose to pick him. While I wouldn't have a choice as far as the fact that I don't even want to do any of this, I could at least choose who I do it with. And it helps me too, that Peeta picking me was his choice.
"Hey Kat," Peeta smiles at me. He's looking at me as if he didn't just ask me to decide both of our fates last night. Maybe he feels like he doesn't have anything left to lose either.
"Hey Peeta. So, I have been thinking about what we talked about last night," I say to him as he sits down at his work station. We are usually both a little early, so we don't have to worry about people interrupting our conversation just yet.
"And what questions did you wish to bestow upon me?" he smiles at me. He knows I would have a ton of questions to ask before I make a decision-rational thinker that I am.
"A lot. Can we maybe meet after work?" He agrees with a nod and goes back to his work station. All day I catch myself looking over at him. Obviously I am not being sneaky, because he seizes my gaze on more than one occasion and offers me a small smirk in return.
Once again, the day slips past me and it is time for us to meet in our meeting room.
Before I start talking, I pace around, taking in the minute details of the room. It's not much to speak of, although, none of the rooms in the bunkers really are. The walls are made of the same cement as the rest of the bunker but I notice a small crack in one of the blocks. I stare at it for a minute before turning back to Peeta who is watching me with an amused smile.
"Kat, please stop stalling. I am not asking you to choose which way to kill us both. You wanted to talk and to ask questions. That's pretty hard to do when you are just pacing and staring at the crack in the wall." He sits on the floor in his uniform, which is the same as the rest of the book room's employees. Actually, every uniform in the bunker is pretty much the same, dark blue shirt, dark blue shorts (unless you are in a cold climate, then its pants), and whatever shoes can be found. Bunker one has the same uniform, only its dark green which I guess helps the Team tell which bunker you are a part of.
"Okay," I sigh, trying to think of where to start. "First question I guess would be, why me?" I stare at him as I wait for him to answer me. When I think about everything, the most obvious place to start would be there.
He looks at me gently for a second, like he cannot quite figure out why I am asking that particular question.
"Why wouldn't I pick you, Kat? I mean not only are you my best friend, but since we are both in this situation, I don't see why I would want to pick anyone else to endure it with."
"But there are so many other people that don't feel the way I do about the cure that you could pick…" I trail off. That doesn't really need another explanation because he already knows my feelings on it.
"Those people aren't you, Kat." He states simply. Okay so this sounds like he actually wants to do this with me. Does that mean he has some type of feelings for me?
"Okay, say I agree to this, being matched with you. We get married, have babies, whatever. What if there is a chance to escape above ground? I wouldn't be able to just leave you but I couldn't just not try." There—one of two of my biggest issues is voiced.
"I don't really know how to answer that," he admits to me. "I guess it would depend on the situation, whether we already had a child, whether it was relatively safe to even try to get above ground. You know I want to abide by the Team's rules, for the most part, if only because they are the ones that gave me the only things I have left."
I stare at him in wonder. Honestly, I had never thought about his reasoning behind wanting to obey the Team. Some people want to, some people don't. I just assumed he was one of the people that did. But, his reasoning, it makes sense. He's grateful to the Team.
I continue staring at him, trying to figure out the best way to voice my last concern. He interrupts my thoughts, "But I also know how you feel about it, Kat. I would always take your feelings into consideration. We may have to compromise, but we will be our own team. We will make our choices together." That sounds nice…
"Peeta, listen. I still don't know what I want to do about this. But, before I make a decision, I need to tell you something, so that you are able to make sure you want this." He looks at me with hopeful eyes. My consideration of this option is apparently more than he had even hoped for.
"I don't really know… what I mean to say is that…" This is so frustrating. I need to just spit it out.
"I think I am in love with you. And I realize that you probably don't feel the same way about me, and that's fine. But, if there will never be anywhere close to that feeling from you, then you should choose someone else that can hopefully give that to you. It's an absolutely ridiculous thing to worry about down here, but if there is even a chance that you may find that with someone else, then I want you to find it…"I trail off. There, I said it. The ball is in his court now, so to speak.
He stares at me, astonished I think. Good or bad, I can't tell.
"Kat, I…" he starts but I interrupt him. I don't want to know what he thinks about all of this until he makes a choice.
"No, Peeta, stop. Go back to your bunk. Think about this. I need to know you really want this before I agree. There's only so many things we have control of in the bunkers, and this is one of them. I couldn't live with myself knowing that you could have had even a small chance of happiness somewhere else. Yes, you are my best friend, but will that be enough? Let's just meet tomorrow." I leave him, stunned, down in our meeting room and head back to my bunk. It doesn't really matter what he says because I think I have already made my choice, assuming he doesn't change his mind.
Surprisingly, once in my bunk, I go straight to sleep. I guess having made my decision helps the stress of the last few days melt away. Now I just have to see what Peeta says about all of this.
The following day, Peeta isn't in the book room when it's time to start. I look around discreetly for him when it's time to break for lunch. Not seeing him, I sit down in our usual area in the mess hall. Thoughts plague my mind, once again, as I look around at all the people milling around gathering what the Team deems as our 'nutritious lunch' which consists of stale bread, a green vegetable, a mystery meat that I haven't yet had the courage to ask what it is, and a bottle of water. In the mess hall, there isn't really a specific method to where you eat, but most people stick with either their families, if they are lucky enough to have one, or to the people they work with. The only people who ever sit with us are Grace and Anniston. Although they work with us in the book room, there is seldom conversation between the four of us. I guess they notice Peeta isn't here as well, because Grace looks at me and inquires why he didn't show up. Rarely is there a reason someone is granted absence from work, and most times it's only for extreme circumstances or data matching paperwork.
"I'm not sure where he is, actually. I talked to him last night, and he didn't mention he wouldn't be here today but…" my voice fades as I spot Peeta coming over to the table, looking nervous, yet excited.
"Hello, Katniss." He says my full name with a grin.
"Hello Peeta?" I question. I don't know what has him so excited but his happiness is infectious and I feel myself smiling as well.
He sits down and hands me an envelope as he looks around to make sure Grace and Anniston are minding their own business. Whatever is in the envelope is from the Team, as it has their official looking parchment inside.
"What's this?" I ask as I start to open it, but he stops me and makes me look at him.
"Just… never mind, just open it." I open the envelope to see a petition for a selective matching. That's what the Team calls it when two people decide to be matched instead of waiting for one person to need a data match. I read the letter and realize that it has both of our names on it.
"This isn't official or anything," he says. "But, it would be if we both sign it. I know we talked last night, and I know you weren't sure about your choice, but I have never been more positive. Kat, I love you. I want to match with you. We can figure out the rest later. If you sign, we don't even have to be matched for a few months, as long as the Team knows we have the intention to, and we do it before I turn 25."
I sit there in shock. Did he just say he loves me? I look questioningly into his eyes, and I can see it. I see fear, excitement, wonder, and… love. His eyes roam my face, searching for something, and I realize I haven't said anything back after his proclamation.
"You love me?" I blurt out. I guess I could have gone with just about anything else, but I am too astonished to form coherent thoughts.
His answering smile is bright, "Yes. I do love you. I have for a while. I just didn't know if you felt that way, or if I should even bring it up. I didn't want to ruin our friendship if you didn't have those type of feelings for me. I'd much rather have your friendship than nothing at all."
Wow. He loves me. In the new world, when our choices are taken away from us due to the virus, it is nice to know that some things can be normal. Some things we can choose to have.
And right then and there, I smile, and sign the selective match form. I know we still have a few months until he has to be matched, but I am suddenly anxious to start our future together, wherever that may take us.