A/N:

This is a short story of vignettes taking place within Volume 1. MarvelMaster616 had initially done these reflections to explain events that take place between volumes and allowing us to have personal time with each character. These journal entries will fill in the blanks of what goes on in between. Jean Grey's is up first. As usual, I would appreciate it if you all reviewed and let me know what you think of these. Jean's reflections take place between issues 13 and 14.

'This here means psychic communications and thoughts.'

And be sure to go and read volume 2 of Peace in Our Time titled Mutiny, as well as my newest X-men story, The Evolution Project. Excelsior friends! –

DC-MarvelGirl 1997

Jean Grey

One would think that to be me is a blessing. One would think just by looking at me that I am not some damaged, orphaned seventeen-year-old who had been for years trapped in her own head with no escape. They think that because I've got a unique beauty and aura to me that my life is one to envy.

Honestly? Those are the people who could kiss my ass.

Yes, I am very blessed now. I have friends. I have someone who took me in and had enough compassion in his heart to help me. But before my life as "Marvel Girl" of the "X-men", my life felt like a curse.

Jean Grey paused upon writing in her diary, closing her eyes as she breathed out a contented sigh. For the past couple weeks, her and her new-found friends at X-Corporation had been labeled the "X-men" by the media.

'I've got the feeling that that word, X-men, isn't really being considered a compliment,' she thought as she continued to write.

Up until the moment Professor Xavier adopted me as his daughter, my life had been living hell. But it hadn't always been that way. Before any of this ever happened to me, I'd had the perfect family up until the age of five years old. I know. You'll probably laugh when I say that my family was perfect. But it was perfect. I had a well-off mother and father – my mom was a doctor and a well-respected one, too. My father had been a history professor at a local community college – in fact, he'd been head of the history department and had had doctorates in Art History and European History. My parents were geniuses, and two of the smartest individuals I'd ever known.

Growing up, my mom and dad always made me and my siblings feel so loved. I remember that there was never a birthday or a Christmas where my siblings and I didn't get exactly what we wanted. One year, I had asked for this stuffed doll of a Cyclops that I had seen in Toys R Us for my birthday, and my parents hadn't only gotten me that. They had gotten me an additional five more stuffed toys. All I remember was how excited me and my identical twin sister, Madelyne, had been, when our parents showed us our birthday gifts that morning of our fourth birthday. We'd screamed so loudly, I'm sure the neighbors had heard it. It had scared our pet cat, Prometheus, shitless. My parents were so giving. My mother especially had been selfless and the most caring, loving mom ever. My dad always took the time to answer my phone calls even if he was in the middle of teaching a night class.

'Maddie,' Jean thought as her eyes stung with tears, but she pushed them back.

Madelyne had practically been my best friend. She and I were inseparable, and all we wanted was each other's company. Of course, we also appreciated the company of our older siblings, as well.

My oldest brother, Roger, I remember so clearly. He'd been wanting to go to college to study music. In fact, I remember him to have been a lead singer and guitarist of a rock band he'd had. I remember his voice . . . how when he sang, it carried out throughout our house. And of course, his friends didn't mind me and Maddie being around. The sound of him singing and playing the guitar was heaven to me.

My eldest sister, Sarah, had been the one to love a good debate in my household. I remember growing up, she would constantly watch the news all the time. She was into politics, and I mean deeply into politics. She loved watching shows like Law and Order and Blue Bloods. I remember her talking about how one day, she was going to become either a criminal lawyer or a forensics analysist or a cop. She wanted to defend those who couldn't defend themselves. And she loved to prove people wrong. She had the Grey family stubbornness and pride, and with that came a lot of determination.

My other older sister, Julia, was more diplomatic out of my siblings. All I remember about her was that she had been one hell of a cook – she loved spending time perfecting various recipes in our kitchen and trying to create dishes from all different kinds of cuisine around the world. And she was always good at it, too. I remember how one day, she actually got me and Maddie to eat chicken and potato graham masala. Of course, me and Maddie being the picky eaters that we were at that age, we were perfectly content with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and French fries, but it was Julia who got us to open our pallets up to things we never thought we'd ever want to try. She just had a natural talent for cooking and baking. She never failed to impress at family parties for Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. She made sure that we ate really well.

And lastly was my older brother Liam. From what I remember of him, he was always the life of the party. When we went to Point Pleasant for our vacations as a family, Liam always made sure Madelyne and I had a good time. He was charged with taking us to the boardwalk to buy us ice cream and would teach us how to boogie board in the ocean. He made every vacation enjoyable for us. One of my favorite memories of him was when I was home sick throwing up; he'd came home after school, and instead of tending to his homework, he went up to my room, sat with me on my bed, and watched episodes of Power Rangers: Time Force with me. It had been his favorite, and he damn well made sure that I had the same level of appreciation for it that he and my other siblings had. He absolutely didn't have to do that for me; in fact, he'd had a science test the next morning, but he didn't care. I was his priority at that moment.

Jean took the moment to pause from her writing as she moved to head down to the kitchen for breakfast that morning. Tying her hair back into a ponytail, she proceeded to walk down the halls until she reached the kitchen. Pulling out a coffee mug, she proceeded to make herself a strong cup of coffee and pulled out her favorite caramel-flavored creamer before she proceeded to sit down and write more.

Just describing my family alone lets you know how perfect it was. My parents never fought about anything. My older siblings loved having two little sisters. My identical twin was practically my best friend. Put Maddie and I into a room alone, and we were nothing but trouble. But that all changed one night. It had been the night we were returning from my eldest brother's college tour of the University of Miami. It was the weekend before me and Maddie's sixth birthday. We'd traveled down to Florida, toured one of my brother's dream colleges to attend, spent a whole Friday at Disney World, and then we were on a plane ride back home. Once we were in the Newark Airport, we got the van out of valet parking and drove on home.

Jean could feel her eyes misting with tears as she thought about that night. She shakily sipped her coffee as she reached for the pancake mix to make blueberry pancakes. It had been her favorite breakfast growing up, and right now, she needed it.

'God, why did this have to happen?' she thought as she concentrated on getting the measurements correct. 'Why did I have to lose them?'

It was raining that night. I remember it to have been pouring rain as my father drove the car back to our home town of Clifton, New Jersey. To this day, I feel fear of needing to walk down those streets again. I don't want to have to view that empty house and be reminded of everything that I'd ever lost . . .

All I remember that night was that it had consisted of nothing more than the typical for our typical family car rides. Madelyne had been causing a racket in the back of the van, pulling Sarah's hair and throwing a fit. I don't remember exactly what triggered her. But that was typical of Maddie. It didn't take much for her to start throwing temper tantrums and acting like an all out brat who wanted to be the center of everything. While I was better behaved out of us, she was a daredevil. She would always swim in the deep end of the pool. She would always jump down from the kitchen counter. She climbed trees and jumped off the highest branch of any tree, somehow managing to not break her neck. She did gymnastics and always dared go up on the high, uneven bars. If anything, Madelyne inspired me to want to be fearless, just like her. And she wasn't afraid to make a scene, either. She definitely wasn't one that was easy to discipline. All I remember having heard was my mother yelling, saying if Madelyne didn't stop what she was doing, we were not going to the movies that Sunday. Then, it happened.

A drunk driver had been driving carelessly, and our car crashed right into it. I remember the van flipping over and the strange sensation of an invisible force shoving broken glass away from me and Maddie's faces. It was a force unlike anything I had ever felt before. And then, I was thrown from the van, out the broken window.

I've always been one to feel emotions strongly. I'm an emotional human being who wears her heart on her sleeve. Growing up, I was told that I'd had a talent for empathy and being loving. And I can attest to that. Whenever I saw someone crying, I wanted to run up and hug them because seeing their pain affected me greatly. I just wanted everyone around me happy. I wanted everyone around me radiating with positivity, because like my mother, I was that selfless. Maybe I'm selfless to a fault. But I can only assume it was my empathy combined with the trauma of the accident that caused my powers of telepathy to manifest at such a young age. Up until that moment, I hadn't thought of being talented with empathy and emotions to be such a horrible thing. It made me genuinely want to connect with other people. I'm one who craves connecting with others emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Just the simple sensation of one's hand brushing against mine is enough to make me feel every sensation radiating off that person. But when my powers manifested after feeling such pain . . . such devastation and such terror, it had sent me into a state of terror. When I was stuck in those mental hospitals, I'd felt like a fucking freak.

I remember having felt such a strong pain in my head as I felt the sensation of death in my mind coming from my parents. It had felt as though my head were about to split open. And I could have sworn I'd heard Maddie's thoughts as well. She was just as scared as I was, and it was almost as though we were feeding off one another's emotions. I just remember screaming before I'd fainted on the pavement.

Jean paused to wipe a tear away from her face as she sat at the kitchen table to eat her breakfast. But she felt a weird sensation in her stomach as she swallowed and felt a shiver running through her spine.

Then, I remember waking in a hospital room. I'd been terrified, beyond terrified. In fact, I didn't even answer any of the doctor's questions when she asked me what I remembered. I just remember having been rocking back and forth, sobbing, wondering where my mom and dad and siblings were. And then I'd heard this strange voice in my mind that sounded almost as though it were trying to reassure me. But it had left me more scared than anything. I had telekinetically destroyed the hospital room, and the next day, I was transferred to Mangold, where I was reunited with Maddie, briefly. But only briefly.

Maddie and I had been in that padded cell together for approximately two weeks. Those two weeks had consisted of me hearing voice upon voice in my mind, trapping me away in a mental prison. We were just holding one another and crying together until it was announced that I was to be transferred somewhere else, because the doctors at Mangold were overwhelmed and unable to handle me at all. I just remember having been screaming, clinging to my sister as if she were my lifeline. I remember how when the orderlies had grabbed me to restrain me, Maddie had screamed out to them begging them not to hurt me. She'd flung a cot halfway across the room to try and defend me.

I'd been in Morrison Mental Institution for the rest of my adolescent years. It had been years of being drugged, receiving electric shock therapy, and being bound with restraints. I remember the thirstiness and starvation I'd felt as I would sit there crying, wearing a rudimentary hospital gown. However, I wasn't necessarily thirsty or starving for food or water. I was thirsty and starving for a human interaction that did not include electric shock therapy and having drugs administered to me. Everyone around me projected crazed thoughts that went beyond abnormal. In fact, one day, I'd nearly gotten attacked by a grown adult male who was faced with a small, pretty, vulnerable red-headed girl. He very well could have potentially raped me if it hadn't been for the orderlies keeping a sharp watch and making sure he was separated from me completely. I'd been so cold and so lonely. At least in Mangold, Maddie had been by my side. She'd been there for a total of two weeks to hold me while we cried in one another's arms.

In Morrison, I'd had nothing. Nobody wanted anything to do with a damaged, scrawny, undernourished, traumatized teenager who was almost of the legal age to live on her own. Nobody was willing to give me any chances or take me in, because they were terrified of me. Everything around me was crumbling. Every day, I would pray to whatever God existed that my older siblings would eventually find me and save me; that at least Roger, who had been the brother I'd idolized my entire life, would come and pick me up and raise me as his own. But that was wishful thinking. And then one day, it was like a guardian angel had come to my rescue when Professor Xavier and Hank came and got me.

Jean smiled slightly as her tears of sadness turned to tears of gratitude, thinking, 'I can't believe how much I'd gained in a month . . .'

When the professor had come, I'd thought I was dreaming. I'd thought that there was no way someone like him could care about me. But he cared enough to take me in and offer to tutor me on my powers. I'd never thought that someone as simple as Xavier could lead to me receiving a gift so precious. It was because of him that I'd found my best friend in Scott.

Scott's been there thought it all. He's seen me through it all since the beginning when we were brought in. He'd made living through this a little more bearable, and of course, Warren and Bobby only helped further. Warren had been one of the first in my life to make me feel as though none of what had happened to me was my fault. He'd talked to me like I was a person, not like I was sub-human or a freak.

And now, I've gained so much. I've gained a father who loves me unconditionally. I've gained friendships that I know will last me for life. Professor Xavier truly, with no doubt at all, gave me a family. He'd helped me get my life back in a way that was most unexpected. And of course, Tony Stark sees something in me that is worth nurturing into potentially being part of X-Corporation and being part of a legacy.

Jean smiled a little wider as she ate her breakfast silently. Only one thought could envelop her mind as she wiped her tears from her eyes.

'Thank you, to whatever higher being there is out there, that this is what I've got now. I don't think I could say thank you enough.'

Up next: Scott Summers