Chapter 18: One Step Forward, Two Steps Sideways?
"Good mor…anha," Max mumbles out through a yawn. He flops down at the table and immediately lays his head down like he's going to take a nap. Tyson had rolled into the kitchen in a similar state, 4 hours earlier. The difference was that he'd been followed by a less than disapproving glare from Kai, who'd chased him out to catch the bus on time for work. I couldn't help but smile at that since Kai had made it clear that he'd never take responsibility for the sluggish and irresponsible youth but there he was, taking on that "leader" role without even noticing it. Or maybe he'd known that we were somewhat responsible and had taken it upon himself to care for just one day. Who really knows what Kai thinks when he does what he does? All I know is that he'd given me a swift greeting gesture before he'd kicked Tyson's chair to get him to move then shoved him out the door as if it happened everyday. I'd just smiled to myself and let them go without another thought.
There was a strange peace of mind that had swept over me after our conversation yesterday and Tyson had promptly become the least of my worries when it came to things to worry about. I had made a resolve to push past the difficulties and actually try to make some changes that might end up turning into something good. At least I'd hoped so. Worrying about Kai's thoughts or feelings seemed pointless if I didn't do anything to make myself even worth thoughts or feelings. If anything, I needed to start making myself someone he wouldn't WANT to lose interest in. Which had to start with me making better choices about what I focus on. My petty jealousy was NOT one of those things.
Just look at me, I feel so grown up all of the sudden. So much so that I am mentally puffing out my chest in confidence right now. Can someone really grow that much in just one night after just one...experience? Well, I shouldn't really second guess it so soon into my revelation. People never change with attitudes like that.
"What time did you guys get back? I didn't even hear you come in last night…" I return with a guilty grin. Max turns his head but doesn't display enough energy to do much more than that.
"Did you work things out?" he sends me a sleepy smile before popping back up fully refreshed, anticipating the gushy details being enough to restore him. "It was rough but I tried to give you as much time as possible. The house was super quiet when we got back so it didn't seem like anyone had been killed." A pause. "Actually, now that I think about it, that could have meant the opposite." He scratches his chin and flushes as a sign of guilt. "Glad to see you weren't killed!" I laugh and lay the last dish I had been washing in the drying rack before opening the fridge and grabbing the plate I'd made for him this morning. I thought he might have emerged sooner but he'd ended up sleeping well past breakfast and almost through lunch.
"I actually thought of a way to repay you." I relay before placing the plate in front of him and sitting down across from him at the table. He lights up like a Christmas tree and picks up the sandwich, eager to dig into it.
"Oh thanks! I'm starved!" he exclaims before taking a huge bite. It was clear to see that he was overly willing to accept the sandwich as the repayment, however…
"That isn't exactly what I am talking about…" I look away a little nervously. So much for confidence… Mental chest puffing, deflated.
I had thought long and hard about this but I still wasn't 100% sure it would have the desired effect on all the parties involved. Mainly because there were many factors to consider in the outcome. I had hurdled the hardest one already so this should be the easy part right? I just have to…go for it! Mental chest puffing re-enabled!
Max watches me curiously and puts the sandwich back down, wiping a few crumbs from his face with his sleeve.
"You don't have to do anything for me. What are friends for? I mean, you'd help me if I asked for the same thing…" He pauses and looks up in a thinking manner. "If I asked. Hmm, maybe I should ask… There is something I wanted to…" He stops himself from going on when I pull something from my pocket and shuffle it across the table towards him. "What's this?" he asks as he picks it up, fully taken from his previous thoughts.
"A plane ticket. To…"
"What?!" he shoots up out of his chair in surprise followed by a storm of outrage. "This is your plane ticket from Kai! Why are you giving it to me?! I don't…" He shoves it back at me and blushes, probably thinking something entirely different than what I was suggesting. Maybe Tyson wasn't the one I should have been worrying about from the start. I mean, Max DID seem more in touch with his sensual side. If he was recently developing dirty thoughts about his closest friend, it isn't a grand possibility that he hasn't ever considered Kai in that way. I mean, come on, Kai's the epitaph of sexuality. Who better to think about when you are lonely and confused about your inner cravings of adolescent lust? Hey, it's where I started. And Max is just beginning to explore the outside the box possibilities. It could only be a matter of time before he's thinking that Kai might look good if he was... Wait, wait, this is way off topic. Back to the real world…
"You won't be sharing a bed," I say half-bitterly before shaking the useless rage out of my mind. "I already discussed it with Kai and he…" I search for an appropriate word. "…agreed?" I tilt my head as if questioning my choice before deciding it isn't really worth going back to find a different word and continue on. "Kai's beta testing a new Beyblade design in some fancy lab in London. He and Hiro have been working on the prototype for months. The first trip was to get funding for the design. This one is for the actual testing. The company they received funding from will only let them test it in their state of the art facility. But, since you know mechanics and can Beyblade at an elite level, I suggested he take you with him… To help." He sits back down as if being hit by something heavy. He stares at the ticket for a long time and I start to think I have poured too much on him too early in the day…well, HIS day. I mean, I could have waited until after he'd finished his lunch and taken a nice, invigorating shower.
Then, he meets my eyes.
"Ray…" is the only word he manages to breathe out right away. So I fill the space with more encouraging words, hoping he'll wake up faster with a little push of inspiration and grounding.
"I know it's sudden and you weren't expecting it at all but you're off from school for break and I had Kai discuss it with Mr. Dickenson and Hiro this morning and he said that they were on board. They even said they would consider it like an apprentice position. If it has positive results they're willing to let you be a part of the development team and pay you for your time. They'll make a position availa…"
"Ray, no." He pushes the ticket farther across the table towards me as if it is a disease and turns away, unable to move himself far enough away from the temptation of accepting it. "I can't. I appreciate it very much but there's no way. I can't. This was your vacation with Kai! It's Christmas! And your first one together here. And, and, I don't even work there! They didn't want…"
"Neither do I." I see the small cracks that I am making with each new pep talk. It isn't hard to find fault in all of his logical excuses and to shut them down until they no longer hold any foundation. "I mean, I wasn't going to be there as an aide to the project in any way. It would be boring cooped up in a hotel room while the 'big boys' are out working all day. But you, you can actually help them so it's better this way. For me and for them. They want you to. Mr. Dickenson said he felt bad that there were no spots left for you after hiring Tyson as promotional advertising. You deserve this. I owe you. WE owe you. Do something selfish for once, Max. I'll grow up and worry about myself if you promise me you'll do this for me." I slide the ticket back over but he continues to deflect my efforts. "You deserve to be there. You deserve to show them your worth. You're not a second place winner, Max. You never should have felt that way." I go to stand up and leave him to mull it over on his owns but he starts to mumble and I stop.
"What about Tyson?" he asks absently before glancing down at the ticket again. Then he looks back up at me with a lost expression. "What about Tyson?" he repeats with more conviction and slight guilt. "He'll be upset…" another absent remark. "He'll be upset!" he says again to me. It was like watching someone have a conversation in their head before sharing it with the people around them, only he was saying both his thoughts and the conversation out loud. I chuckle at his loss and send him a reassuring smile.
"I'll take care of Tyson. I have my own bone to pick with him and since I'll be stuck here alone with him while you guys are away, I'll have plenty of time to calm him down." Then I actually do push away from the table and stand up. Even if he was making progress, he did still need that moment to process it all. "Max, it's not a hard choice. At least think about it before you lose the opportunity." I send him one more smile before leaving him to sort out his thoughts.
One thing off my list of resolutions checked off, only a few more to go. This isn't so bad. Change feels good. Everyone should try it.
I can't help but be pleased with myself. I knew I was taking a big step by letting Kai go away for so long and NOT taking the invitation to go with him. Considering the way things were the first time he'd left, I considered myself a little more mature about it now. And it felt good (and bad). Especially this close to the holidays. There was no real time frame on how long he'd be away. He'd expected to be back before Christmas but it wasn't confirmed. Anything could hold up plans, or delay progression. So Kai hadn't been the easiest to reason with when I had brought up the idea but in the end he had seen my merit in asking (I think). He probably remembers the way things were the first time he'd left too, so me asking in general was a big astonishment.
I can still remember the look on his face when I'd first brought it up.
He'd just gotten out of the shower after letting me go first and had been towel drying his hair as he crossed the room to the bed where I was relaxing, looking the ticket over in my hands.
"Did you make up your mind?" he'd asked nonchalantly, acting as if he didn't really care either way. I'd shrugged and rolled over on my back, spreading out and holding the ticket up over my face as if reading it over and over again like a love note between star-crossed lovers.
"I'm going to give it to Max," I'd replied, just as nonchalant, breaking his bubble of complacency. He'd frozen and set a dark, demanding look on me. Watching him in my peripheral view I acted as if I didn't notice the change or the danger it stirred up.
"You're joking right?" I'd smirked and sat up. It was priceless. Seeing Kai lose his composure over something so simple. I'll probably never get to see that look again if I lived to talk about it…again. Something tells me I don't have many more 'chances' left before I really do drive him into insanity. I wonder why he puts up with me…
"No, I'm actually serious," I'd returned, placing the ticket gingerly on the nightstand. His glare had managed to get even darker, almost malicious but held skepticism at the same time. He'd tossed his towel over his shoulder into the hamper as if he was throwing out the whole idea with one fluid motion of dismissal.
"It's hard to tell with that silly look on your face," he'd remarked with a huff of dissatisfaction. He'd started to walk over to the dresser to hunt for a shirt to wear but I'd sprung up to stop him by grabbing his hand. He'd turned back sharply, hiding the indications that I'd startled him during his silent brooding. I'd squeezed his hand and given him a serious look.
"Well I am. You're working on that Beyblade design right? The one Tyson found in Hiro's office awhile back? Max can help you." I'd released him and shrunk back down. He hadn't said anything right away and if I could hear the gears working in his head, they would have been loud from how hard they were grinding. I would have said that he was confused but...we all know, Kai doesn't get confused. He'd hesitated before crossing his arms in objection. His eyes had locked on mine and on instinct I'd narrowed one eye in challenge. If he was going to hear me he had to know that I was serious and that it wasn't a question I was asking.
"No." No negotiation, just a flat out no. Well so much for that approach… I should have known that Kai couldn't be intimidated with one measly look of self-assurance.
"At least pretend to consider it," I'd replied defiantly. He'd furrowed his brow and let out a heavy sigh before turning away and returning to the dresser and his search for a shirt.
"You do realize that leaves you alone with Tyson right? Would I have to worry about his safety? This is just a rental, you know." I'd grab the nearest pillow and thrown it towards him.
"I bet if you were in my position you wouldn't handle it so well either Mr. Hotshot. I'd like to see you hold yourself together if you were me." He'd scoffed at the thought, finally settling on a t-shirt and pulling it over his head as he'd closed the drawer. He'd calmly picked up the pillow and walked back over. I'd try to ignore the feeling of trepidation that washed over me as he'd put the pillow down beside me without a word and towered himself in front of me at the edge of the bed only inches away. I'd forced myself not to flitch when he'd grabbed my chin and lifted it to make me look up at him fully.
"I would never be in your position." He'd smirked before letting me go and walking towards the door. I would take time to be offended but there was a more pressing matter at hand here.
"Hey wait! Where are you going?" I'd started to jump up to chase after him but he'd waved me down and opened the door.
"I just need a moment. Get some sleep."
And then he was gone.
Get some sleep? Was he kidding me? Who could sleep after that? And now I'll take that time to be offended. Never be in my position? What made him so untouchable? Strapping on a few dark looks and self-confidence doesn't make you immune to natural internal instincts. Between my desires to hold him close and keep him wrapped up in my pocket for no one else to touch, there is a small (and I mean VERY small) part of me that just wants to hit him sometimes.
Needless to say I was waiting for him when he'd returned. We'd discussed everything in finer detail, meaning I'd talked, he'd listened without a word or conjecture. I wasn't even sure he was really interested in my reasoning when I'd started babbling on idly about the benefits of having a working individual on the trip instead of a useless bed warmer, but after a long string of my prattling he'd told me that he would comply. I was excited that I had won. Elated even. As I curled up against his cool skin sharing the chill from the outside that he'd carried back with him, I was slightly hyper from imagining the look on Max's face when I would tell him. But even as I settled down to the sound of his steadily slowing breathing, I could tell there was something vacant lingering behind that was remaining unsaid between us. Kai may have agreed but he wasn't happy about it. Somehow I thought that would make him work harder to finish faster. And on some level…I was just happy knowing it bothered him. I don't know if that makes me bad person or not, being happy over someone else's discomfort, but after getting myself past all my unstable insecurities, there was something conclusive about it. Almost like all my worries stopped mattering because I knew a different truth now.
So now there was just Tyson left to deal with in breaking the news. My list of things to do was slowly becoming manageable and it felt nice. Two obstacles climbed! Too bad I'd saved the most unreasonable for last. Kai had perception to help him understand and Max had empathy and intuition. Tyson? Tyson was a whole different type of mountain. He might as well have been an apple among oranges.
I look at my watch before deciding to grab my coat and hat to take a walk to the store. The best way to get a Tyson to listen was to first make sure his appetite is fully appeased. I wonder if I should get all his favorites. Maybe it's too early for that. I should wait until Kai leaves to approach him that way. Otherwise Kai will just make fun of me later. So, for now we just build up his confidence until it's the right moment to go for the kill! By kill I mean the shot that counts, not an actual kill. Just to clarify. No need to call the authorities on me yet. No one is actually in danger here. I promise!
I open the door to step outside only to find a newly familiar sports car idling across the street. I immediately close the door and throw myself against it as if keeping a demon at bay. I take it back, there might be some danger lingering about after all…
"What's wrong?" Max takes that exact moment to exit the kitchen and find me there unable to hide my panicked expression quickly enough. "Wild animal?" His curious look is enough to make me pass in front of him so he's deterred from going towards the window to take a look.
"It's just a little colder than I was expecting…" I mumble, cough and brush out my hair as if nothing is wrong otherwise. "Need to grab a scarf too." I reach in front of him, still keeping a space between him and that window, to grab my scarf. He sits down on the arm of the couch and watches me as I bundle myself up farther. He kicks his legs out apprehensively like a little kid who's about to tell his mom that he broke her favorite teapot.
"Listen Ray, I know you're just trying to be a good friend because, you are!..a good friend…but I don't want this to become something you regret later." I stop fussing over my scarf to look at him. He jumps back down off the couch and walks to where I am. Then he flushes and bows his head, holding out the plane ticket. "Thank you for your kindness but I…" I place my hand on top of his head and he stops talking with a tiny flinch.
"I'm not taking it back and I won't regret it. If you feel that bad bring me a nice souvenir." I ruffle his hair before straightening my coat and pulling on my hat. He flushes a deeper shade of red and collapses to the floor defeated, unable to hold back the weight of his happiness any longer. He's actually shaking with the amount of joy that's radiating out of him as he squeezes the ticket fondly.
"I don't deserve a friend like you." He laughs, close to tears. The good kind of tears. And I can tell he feels much more relaxed than he had ten seconds before. The pressure of the situation melts off of him as he sits there letting it all roll away. He was finally getting his chance to show everyone that he wasn't just a face behind the scenes that made an appearance every now and then to rustle up excitement. He was finding his worth, and it was in a place that suited him and his abilities. Tyson couldn't taint it because Tyson was NOT a mechanic. He had skills but when it came to putting those gadgets and springs together to make a fantastic toy, it was all Max.
Win – win.
No hard feelings could be passed between them and Tyson wouldn't be able to dispute Max's contribution to the work team.
"Of course you do." I return his laugh and hold out my hand. "Come one. You can come to the store with me and help me buy Tyson's heart. I'll even let you help me cook it all." He giggles at the thought and grasps my hand with a strong tug to pull himself back up.
"Okay, let me just get ready real quick!" He darts down the hallway and disappears into his room and I can't stop my adoration for him from leaking out. It really is refreshing having him as a friend. Just his demeanor alone can make anyone smile uncontrollably.
The feeling is short lived however when I return my attention to the exit.
I tense up, remembering my dilemma from before. How am I going to get Max out and away without making it too obvious that something is going on? I steal a peek out the side window to see if the car is still there and catch a shimmer of the shiny black paint just shy of the window's view. What could he possibly want now? I thought he was done with me. With us. Did he come back to threaten me again? Should I call Kai?
I mean, he DID say to call him immediately if he came near me again…but he hasn't approached me or made it even seem like he was going to. Does he think he is going to provoke me into approaching him? Or is he just…watching me (us)? And why does he seem to only show up when Kai isn't around? Is he afraid of Kai? That didn't make much sense, the way Kai talks about him he sounds like he thinks he owns Kai. Someone who owns somebody, or thinks they do, certainly wouldn't be afraid of them. And why me? Does he really think he can intimidate me into leaving Kai?
I bristle at the thought before noting my apprehensive posture.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm giving him exactly what he wants…cowering behind a couch and closed door.
I straighten myself and stand up tall.
"He's not going to win this," I mutter to myself with pride.
"Who?" Max rejoins me in the hallway, pulling on his coat as he approaches. I shrug.
"Just thinking about dinner." Max laughs.
"You're so dedicated. If you want I can let you in on a little secret. But you have to promise to only use it in an emergency!" I tilt my head in curiosity, following his lead to the door. "I mean it! Say you'll promise!" he laughs again, waiting for me to say it.
"Okay, okay, I promise!" He opens the door and I playfully push him out. He jumps down the stairs and spins around to face me as I join him at the bottom of the stoop with a victorious grin.
"Now I wouldn't tell this to just anyone…" he starts with a playful glint in his eyes. I push him again to get him moving and we start our way down the street.
I barely send a second glance towards the black car as we pass it by and it makes no move towards us either. I half wonder if it's just there to be intimidating and there isn't actually anyone inside it at all. Maybe he was playing a mind game with me to see who was stronger? Who knows? All I know is that it wasn't there when we got back and I almost forgot it had been there at all, until Kai walked through the door and I realized I'd lost my chance to tell him in a timely manner. Which…made me feel quite a lot more uncomfortable than having a stalker whose intentions I couldn't fathom.
"Kai!" I blurt out as if being struck by something when it all comes rushing back to me at his appearance. He was already upset with me about the trip thing, what would he do if he found out I saw his father and didn't tell him right away? Right after we'd sort of gotten to a nice place too… Max (uninformed of my inner turmoil) stops stirring to look towards the doorway as Kai looks between the two of us with a blank expression. "I mean, uh…welcome home." I smile half-heartedly and turn back towards the salad I was throwing together. Max takes a glance towards me, sensing something but not quite being able to name what it is, but shakes his head and turns back to the newcomer.
"It's not quite done yet. Give us 10 minutes! Is Tyson not with you?" he decides to distract us from stating the obvious tension I'd created with my outburst and the weird air that was trying to settle in. Kai just shrugs and glides his way over to the counter as if that was his intention for entering the room in the first place.
"Are we having company?" he asks eyeing over the array of food we'd half prepared. He takes a cup from the cabinet and pours himself a glass of water.
"Uh, no. This is just for us." I smile and walk the salad over to the table to place it down. It's too late to really worry about it now. I can't very well go back in time now can I? Should I have done something different earlier? Maybe I shouldn't have just ignored it. What was going to happen when Kai was in another country and these incidents happened? Would he know Kai wasn't around to pick up the pieces if I messed something up? Kai shoots me a look on my way back that tells me he knows something but I'm not sure if it's the something that I am worrying about. I regard Max briefly before approaching Kai and leaning over to whisper to him. "It's probably not what you're thinking." I smirk and catch his eye again as the calculating wheels start turning in his mind. I flick his nose as a sign of endearment and go back to preparing the rest of the meal. "Just relax. I have everything taken care of." I reassure him, probably only making him feel less assured.
He doesn't let on that he disagrees and turns back towards the doorway, taking his glass of water with him.
"I'll eat later," he replies before disappearing. Grrr.
"Do you think it's because I teased him in front of you?" I ask absently, wondering when my life became such an open forum. I don't think I would ever be pining over 'relationship issues' with a past me. This was definitely something I only developed in the last few years. The real question was which part of the situation now was what he was upset about? And did I really want to ask and find out?
"No worries, Ray. Maybe he just isn't hungry right now." Max stops me before I say something too regretful. "Besides, Tyson might listen better without the extra audience." He winks before setting up the rest of the tableware. He makes a good point. Tyson was definitely more approachable when Kai wasn't around to provoke him.
"Are you sure this is going to work?" I ask, changing my minds direction to the here and now and not the possibilities of later.
"Ray, my friend, I feel like I should be asking YOU that question." He laughs before we go back to finishing up the cooking. Blind leading the blind. Why does it always seem like this is the best way to go on with life? Not knowing anything about where you are going but continuing because you're not doing it alone…
One day, I might be able to answer that question.
A/N: Happy Holidays everyone! I'd dedicating the time off I have to finishing this story. Hopefully, within a timely manner for you all. Next time I'll think ahead before jumping into my inner voices of fanficting every aspect of my life. Haha Cheers!