Chapter 23: The Way That We Are
"Hey, I just realized something…" I announce as Kai enters the room after taking his morning shower.
"Yeah, and what's that?" he replies absently, shaking his hair out with a towel before tossing the towel in the general direction of the hamper…not quite making it, much to my own disappointment.
I roll over from my position of lying on my stomach across the bed to a more comfortable one lying on my back. I hold Kai's diary up above my head so I can read over the page I had landed on to translate today one more time, reciting each word inside my head as my eyes travel across them.
After Max and Kai had left, I had dedicated myself to deciphering at least one page a day, usually when I was alone with nothing else left to do and needed a distraction (before bed to help me fall asleep). I was making great progress, having finished a whole 4 pages so far. It was the most enjoyable part of my day, even despite it being a tedious task that sometimes seemed more like homework than something I had chosen to do of my own free will. But I felt like I was actually learning something interesting. And not just about Kai – to be honest, I wasn't really finding anything about Kai. I had a few scribbles of words here and there that I couldn't really be sure were even that accurate with no one to confirm or deny my progress. However, Russian is a funny language and I was starting to enjoy reading and learning its quirks. It sounds brutal and stoic but it is actually kinda charming in its own way. I mean, not as charming as French…maybe… But still charming!
The little notebook that I had been scribbling down my interpretations in seems to have drifted with my movements and finally manages to slide off the bed onto the floor with a clatter. I ignore it, too wrapped up in my own ideas to care just then.
"This isn't your diary," I state with conviction. I gain a small smirk from across the room that I catch when I take an upside-down glance over at him where he is pulling on a pair of pants that he'd rummaged out from the closet. I smile to myself, suddenly feeling smart.
"What makes you say that?" he's intrigued. I take a moment to question if it's because I really HAD figured it out or if I am completely wrong and he just wants to know how I got there. I hesitate, wondering if I should share my secrets so easily or keep him guessing a little longer. But he doesn't slow down to spare me his full attention as he continues his task of getting ready, pulling on a shirt and buttoning it up. And then, all the fun I was having with him seems to not matter so much anymore.
"Do you really have to go back so soon?" I pout, chewing on my bottom lip and scanning over the words again quickly and without as much interest but slightly wishing that they might look different than the first few times. Nope, still in Russian. I sigh and drop the open book to my face, letting it rest there while I spread myself out, trying to find my motivation to get up and start my day too. It was still a little early for me. I wasn't even sure if the sun was up yet.
Kai had called Hiro first thing in the morning as he had promised and the ultimatum was that if he returned as soon as humanly possible to finish the project with no other interruptions or delays, that his little weekend road trip would be overlooked with no disciplinary actions made against him.
Hiro was a reasonable person. I'm sure he had heard about Tyson through one of them, even if he didn't know the details - as I hadn't actually told either of them...details. If Kai can get away with sharing half-truths, than so can I. But anyway, Hiro had probably known the Tyson had been to the hospital. And Tyson was his brother after all… So I'm sure if he hadn't had one rogue employee already that he might have had the incentive to become one himself. He's definitely done it before. On more than one occasion… I hoped that he didn't think I was irresponsible enough to be over here placing his brother in unnecessary dangers on a whim that was bad enough to warrant that kind of worry, however, things DO seem to happen around me (and him for that matter) that I (or he) can't really control sometimes. They should all be used to that by now though. It IS Tyson after all. I'm the least of his worries…
Of course I was also grateful that Kai didn't actually get fired. I wasn't quite sure if that was due to Hiro, luck, or some other divine intervention that cannot be named easily. My money is on sick days… I mean they get those, right?
Kai had arranged to get on the next flight out which had given him about 2 hours to get ready and get to the airport before he would be gone again. He didn't waste any time and had immediately jumped in the shower. The prospect had only made me more depressed and unwilling to acknowledge that this day had to happen at all. I really had no one to blame but myself as it HAD been my idea to get it over with as soon as possible to avoid the least amount of repercussions, but you can't blame me for regretting this particular outcome from being the responsible adult. Maybe if we just went back to sleep it would go away and turn into a different reality.
One should be so lucky…
The bed sinks next to me as Kai sits down and the book is removed from my face. My eyes open only to realize that he has now taken it from me and is setting it, along with my notebook that he must have retrieved from the floor, into an organized pile on his lap where it won't stray again as easily.
"You didn't answer my question." He says quietly, changing the subject back. Again, I wonder just how interested he really is. Does he actually WANT to know or was it something else? If he's just trying to distract me from my thoughts, it is a fair tactic and one that I will admit is working quite well. Although I had had similar intentions when I had started the project this morning to begin with.
I sit up excitedly, invading his space, and take the diary back from him, opening it up to the page I had just been working so that I can show it to him.
"It's poetry!" I exclaim eagerly. He doesn't react, which makes me more convinced that I am correct. If he had protested (even just a little bit), I would have been completely persuaded but he hadn't laughed at me either, which would have led me in the other direction of actually having no clue. "I mean, this part here…" I point to a line and grab my notebook back from him as well to show him what I had translated it to. "It doesn't make much sense when you convert it. It almost sounds like random words really…" I trail off a bit before returning. "But! The pronunciation and words in Russian…" I point back to the diary for reference, a bunch of small sticky notes with Russian pronunciation cues cluttering the margins. "…has a special flow." I beam at my own revelation. "Like poetry!" I pause, a thought suddenly striking me. "Did you really write this?" My voice drops to a skeptical tone, getting lost to feelings that of all my efforts were being wasted on some book that he'd actually picked up in a library somewhere and wasn't really his at all. He had fooled me once with the painting, could he have been trying to fool me again?
He lets out a short laugh before he loses his playful gleam and his face becomes reluctant. There's a brief silence where I start to think he is forming a way to get out of admitting whatever the truth may be but he shifts and meets my eyes with nothing but seriousness.
"Promise me you won't meet him until I get back." He changes the subject away and my prior enthusiasm fades immediately. I close both books and put them down behind him safely on the bed.
"Now who's avoiding the questions?" I try to sound jovial to spring the darkness that was flowing into the air out before it could settle but it comes out more dry and somber than intended. He smiles anyway, if even for a brief moment of just humoring my efforts.
"Yes, I wrote it." He acknowledges with sincerity. He doesn't add anything else right away and I feel like that's all I am going to get from him but he twists and reaches back to pick up the diary again, flipping through all the pages in one hurried, skimming motion. Almost as if he is painting himself a picture by racing back through memories of them. "And you're right. It is poetry." He lets it close between his hands before meeting my eyes again. I can't see any discomfort or embarrassment resulting from his confession but something about the look he's giving me is a little off. "Disappointed?" he asks, surprising me. My eyes widen at just the thought.
"Are you kidding me?!" My fervor returns full force as I swipe the book back from him, clutching it to my chest protectively. "Kai Hiwatari writes POETRY? This is golden!"
He laughs and his palm spreads across my face to push me away so that I fall back onto the bed as he stands up to collect the rest of what he needs to leave. I roll myself off the bed and follow him to the door, tossing the book back into a pile with the other one.
"If I hear a word about this outside of this room, I'll kill you in your sleep," he mutters before opening the door and leading the way down the hallway.
"Oh, you would wait until I was asleep? How sweet…" He tosses me a warning glare before stopping by the coat rack to assemble his outerwear. I halt his resolve to do this with a small whine, hoping it is enough to make him feel bad and want to waste more time discussing the finer points of my early morning revelations. "Can I just ask you one thing? Why Russian? I know you spent a lot of your childhood there but I always pictured it being something you would want to leave behind. NOT something you would decide to write POETRY about."
He makes a low growling sound as if to warn me that my teasing was not winning me any favors in the future. I had a feeling that bringing up his childhood in such a way was probably not the best idea I had ever had. He seems to agree because a glare is no longer enough for him to get his point across and he gives my side a rather sharp and unexpected pinch, causing me to jump away with a squeak in pain.
"I'll let you off easy this time as you didn't seem to understand my first warning well enough," he coos, not in a malicious way but not completely joking either. I rub my side and stick my tongue out at him as if to say that I don't agree but will comply regardless. I then second guess both of my decisions and step close enough to wrap my arms around his neck forcing him to face me and abandon all efforts of putting on his coat.
"I'm sorry," I say with a frown. "Maybe I think I'll miss you less if I know you're mad at me. How stupid, huh?" I shrug and he runs both of his hands across my hips, the touch making me unconsciously move in a little closer. "It IS a legitimate question though." I say with no hints of teasing at all. He seems to ignore the suggestion, leaning close enough to kiss me but not closing the gap completely just yet. My eyes close instinctively, anticipating the familiar gesture and offering it a warm welcome. It doesn't happen the way I want it however, as he leaves just enough air between us for me to wish it wasn't there and a hope that he would follow it through and put me out of the misery of waiting for it.
"Promise me." He repeats his request from earlier in a voice that's only slightly louder than a whisper. Loud enough to sound urgent but not loud enough to sound threatening.
Knowing that I can't give him the answer he wants, I turn my head away and open my eyes to despondently regard the wall beside him. The unfulfilled desires leave a hollow feeling in my gut and I have nothing but remorse for not being able to just go along with him. I think we both knew that what he was asking was a little too hopeful. Even if I made that promise with complete honesty and all intentions of following through, there was no way I could control what really happened when it came to his father. I had broken a similar promise twice already without any control over how it'd played out and I didn't want to risk the wrath of Kai all over again. I've had enough dark energy in the last few days to last me a lifetime and I wasn't about to create a scenario where more could easily creep its way in.
My only prayer was that Kai was smart enough to understand this and wouldn't hold my silent refusal against me. If we were really going to start taking steps forward, we shouldn't do it by continuing to fool each other just so that there's no discord between us. I was willing to be uncomfortable sometimes if it meant I didn't have to walk on eggshells around him, doing mindless things just to appease him and thinking that everything I did was always going to be wrong in the end anyway. I know he had given me a lot more than he would ever give anyone else willingly, but I also knew that there was much more in there that he still wasn't saying. If I did my best to be more open and honest, maybe eventually he would trust me enough to do the same in return. And maybe it started with not lying about things just to make him happy.
Kai breathes out slowly and nuzzles the side of my face to place a gentle kiss along my jawline before trailing two more kisses down and burying his face into my neck. His hands drift from my hips to lock around my lower back, capturing me in place and making our bodies collide. I want to cry in protest at how unfair life is being to me right now but I hold it all in if only to convince myself that I was stronger than that.
"Hurry back so I can try my best." I offer him instead of a promise I can't keep. I can feel his smile against my skin before he pulls away again and it disappears as if it was never there.
"Then just promise me that you'll be careful." He insists, making it so I would have to promise him at least one thing to set his mind as ease enough to leave me on my own without him. I nod and his grip around me tightens for a brief moment before he gives me the kiss I'd been waiting for, one hand sliding delicately and skillfully up my back to deepen it just enough to leave me temporarily breathless when he releases me completely and moves away, finally able to grab his coat and scarf without any second thoughts or remorse.
"That was so unfair." I gasp, finally freeing the qualms I had been pushing down. I have to fight back every urge to pin him down and hold him captive so that he can't just walk away after stimulating every part of my body into action without any intentions of finishing the job. The feelings I had at that moment were so mixed up that I wasn't sure which one I should feel first. Happy? Sad? Excited? Dejected? Was there even a right answer? All of them seemed like great choices…
Kai's phone buzzes in his pocket, alerting him that the taxi has arrived outside, and the sadness and dejection win out in the end. I slump back and lean against the wall, absolutely pained that I can't prolong it any more than I had already managed to. My only solace was that I had been able to enjoy my parting gift without any interruptions or feelings of shame that having unwanted eyes to witness it had done with his last two departures. Half of me wants to follow him to the cab like a lost puppy until the very last second but the other half of me knows just how ridiculous THAT would be. Not just for me, but for Kai and probably the driver as well, as I most likely wouldn't be any more willing to let him go at the end of it and would do or say something I'd definitely wish I hadn't later.
Kai doubles checks everything, his pockets, his phone, his clothes… He had returned carrying nothing so I assumed that he'd left everything behind and therefore didn't have anything he really needed to take back with him, so his empty hands didn't seem so strange at all. A small comfort among the chaos.
After confirming that he has everything he needs, he opens the door to reveal the taxi waiting patiently in front of the building. I know my face sours at its presence because Kai turns back and his face darkens at the sight of me.
"I'll be back as soon as I can," he offers me as comfort. My hand reaches out on its own and he takes the extra steps forward to grasp it without any uncertainties.
And here we are again at that impasse where I am not quite sure what to do or say. I know I should say something. I NEED to say something. I want it to mean more than just goodbye but I know he already knows how I am feeling and that we don't need to talk about it further. Besides it's sad and we don't need to keep bringing the sad back up. It already knows it's there and is probably enjoying this. I am almost sure that Kai also feels the same way, otherwise he would have left without catering to my selfish demands of detaining him. He hated wasting time and he hated being late, which if he lingered for much longer, he was risking doing both.
I give his hand a little squeeze, passing the important information along through my fingertips.
"Take care." I offer him back, hoping he would still understand. A devious sparkle in his eye replaces all the guilt and longing that we'd been exchanging with each other without words. His grip on me tightens as he pulls me away from the wall to leave me with one last kiss on the side of my face, his lips lingering close to my ear.
"I love you, too," he whispers to me softly before he drifts away and disappears out the door with a click, leaving me alone to process what had just happened. For some reason I blush and scowl at the same time, and I am not too sure whether it is from embarrassment that he had seen right through me and had decided to 'one up' me, or from anger that he hadn't given me a chance to answer him. Either way, I am flustered and unable to move right away.
I am unsure of when we had crossed the invisible line that I had previously placed to keep us at a distance from our feelings, but it was somewhat clear that he had strolled across it and was toying with me. He'd known exactly what sort of state I would be in if he left like that and I find myself wondering again if it had been intentional to distract me from my normal negative thoughts. Being another success as I am only lost in thoughts of reciprocation and revenge for making me feel so conflicted. How should I punish him later?
I was no longer feeling at a loss, my mind working overtime to come up with a plan to retaliate. It would have to be a good plan to get one over on Kai…
I am pretty sure I am still standing there staring at the closed front door with an annoyed but enamored look on my face after some unknown amount of time later when Tyson emerges from his room to inquire about breakfast. So I do breakfast without a word besides to mention that Kai had departed and it would just be the two of us again for a while longer. He accepts this and the food, finishing before I can even sit down to eat myself, and then runs off to shower and get dressed.
Having had a moment to return to my senses, I shuffle my phone off of the charger and turn it back on, already planning out my crude reply. I am only distracted by the 13 text messages that pop up almost immediately, all being from Max – 9 warning me about Hiro, 2 being pictures from the testing site and the almost completed model, and the other 2 asking if Tyson's condition had improved and if he'd said anything about what happened. Is he referring to what happened here or something else?
Before I can think about it too much Tyson comes bounding back into the room, full of energy and ready to take on…whatever he's decided to take on today.
"Um Tys?" I try to get his attention with a small wave, not taking my eyes completely away from my phone yet. "Has Max gotten a hold of you yet? He seems really worried…" Tyson drops whatever object he had been holding with a thud and spins around so his back is facing me.
"N-n-n-n-no, why would he need to be worried?" he stammers making me quirk an eyebrow in curiosity, finally looking over at him. Juice. It was juice. And it was now glugging its way out of the bottle and all over the counter where it had landed and likely bounced over on its side. I drop my phone roughly in surprise and rush to pick it up and stop the flow, a little too late, but manage to stop it from emptying completely. Next I grab an entire roll of paper towels and slosh it down on the counter. Most of the juice has already drizzled its way off and down the side of the cabinet to the floor but Tyson doesn't seem to care or even realize the struggle I am having at his expense.
"Shit, Tyson. What just happened?" I ask alarmed and confused. He keeps his back to me, slinking his way around the counter sideways, and makes a hasty exit without giving me a proper response or even apologizing for the mess he'd made.
Oh great. Now I have to figure out what THAT's all about.
I sigh. This is going to be a long day.
AN: hello there! I just wanted to send out a super special thank you to my favorite reviewer. You've been with me since the beginning and it's been a long road. But I appreciate each and every word you share with me. It keeps me going honestly and I probably wouldn't have kept at it without you, haha. These poor boys probably don't need me to continue torturing them all the time… ALSO! I have decided where I have gone wrong in this story and will be fixing it eventually, as well as my other story…time willing. Working three jobs doesn't leave me much hobby time… but I'm not complaining! I apologize if I repeated myself anywhere, sometimes I get too excited and post before checking for content errors. I have such bad habits... Anyways, I hope you have yourself a lovely week!