Chapter 25: Control

"Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe your choices aren't really choices at all?" I say out loud after a very long bout of awkward silence. I was musing on a purely philosophical level, like believing that God was out there somewhere delegating everything from a distance. With people wandering around, unaware, going on with their lives as usual.

"What?" Max breathes out in confusion, finally finding his words after my confessional had ended. "Is that a real question? Ray, do you not realize how serious this is?" I frown even if he can't see it and stop playing with the phone cord long enough to settle back against the cabinets with a sigh.

I don't know when I had started making this parallel…between Kai's father and God. He could certainly make himself out to be that way. Thinking he was in control of everything and everyone and anyone outside of his realm would just be bought off or punished until they folded into his wishes.

I had decided to tell Max everything.

By everything, of course I mean my own situation and not Tyson's. Tyson would have to do his own confessing if he wanted to move forward. That and it wasn't my problem to share. Of course I wasn't really sure what I would say anyway. He's just confused? I'm confused and I'm not the one dealing with it.

I'm seated on the floor, underneath the phone, nestled into the space between the cabinet and the sink. I'd answered the phone a few hours ago and had gotten tired standing around, finding the floor much more comfortable for such a long drawn out discussion.

Anyways, I had come to this decision for two reasons.

1. Sharing might provide some incite that I hadn't thought of myself. It was always better to have an outsiders' opinion to reflect on. Well, maybe not always… But in a lot of troubling situations it can be helpful to hear what someone who's not directly involved thinks.

And 2. I wanted a witness for if I DID happen to disappear without a word or trace. Sure, I had Kai. But we all know that Kai was more likely to do something reckless and possibly endanger himself as well and then who would be left to know what had happened to us?

Of course I had sworn Max into complete silence. As fruitless as that might be, I still trusted him. He knew what was important not to share, and what was not as important. I had felt somewhat relieved but tired at the same time, finally letting it all out to someone who wasn't related…a friend, someone who wouldn't judge me if I decided to do something dangerous as a resolution. In doing so I was also bringing on a more lethargic state of being. Hence, philosophy talk.

"Just consider it for a second," I continue, ignoring his obvious objection. I twist the phone cord around my finger and release it, only to repeat the gesture again absently as if it will help to keep me calm. "What decision could I possibly make here that wouldn't end with the same results as not making any at all? Am I just prolonging the inevitable?"

"What the hell, Ray. Listen to yourself. Are you really okay thinking like that? What would Kai say to you right now?" He growls, which is a strange sound coming from him. "You made up a good plan. Have confidence. Even if you don't think you will get your way, he has to believe that you do." It made sense but it wasn't anything that I didn't already know. I smile at his investment anyway, having started it as a way to distract us from what he really had called me to talk about. Our first point of contact had been my cell phone. I had answered only to tell him to wait while I answered the other line. Only then to find out that it was also him, so I had tossed the cell phone aside and here we were, hours and a long, anxious speech later. It felt good to have someone to hear me besides my own thoughts and Kai's warning glares. If Kai had his way, he would continue to ignore everything and just let it pass by the way it is until something else dangerous happened and forced us to deal with it in a different more direct way.

"Kai said not to go alone," I lament, unable to hide the disappointment I had in myself at that moment.

"Isn't that why he sent you a bodyguard?" Max laughs at the sentiment left by my beloved and I roll my eyes.

"The guy doesn't eat, Max. How much help can he be if he's malnourished and tired?" Max's laugh turns into a snort.

"Sure, but if he follows you in, he can at least make you seem like you have SOME sort of power or significance. Who in this day and age even HAS bodyguards?" I don't let him talk me into believing him. I knew it was as absurd as he did.

"Any other bright ideas?" I ask a little too hopeful.

"Don't go? I mean really…what are you more afraid of right now? Going alone and not getting what you want and making Kai angry, possibly dying. Kai being angry, possibly dying. Or not going and forcing the maniac to sweat a little in anticipation of your next move and Kai NOT being angry and NOT dying?" I think over the options.

"You're…no help at all," I conclude bitterly. The chances that Kai's father would panic in anticipation were little to not at all and waiting until Kai returned was giving him too much time to come up with his own retaliation plan…if he didn't have one already. With the way Kai had explained him, he probably already had one that was ten times more thought out and effective than mine ever would be. My only advantage would be the element of surprise. It had to be precise and effective. And with a lot more shock value than I had talked myself into having.

"Thanks." I can almost hear the grin in his voice. He makes a humming sound like he's lost in thought before becoming serious. "Business and relationships can be similar. Thinking in a business perspective will get you a long way."

"Well, aren't you a business major? That's why I asked you to help me with a proposal. If we speak his own language he might be hard-pressed to pay attention at least. Right now he just sees some dumb kid who likes to play games. If he saw me as an actual asset it might change his mind."

"Look at that! One good suggestion and you're already running with it. If that doesn't make a good asset, I don't know what does." A pause. "It's late though and I'm starving! When I get a minute later I'll do some research and send you some rough drafts. Either way, we'll get you through this. You will live to see your next birthday." He laughs at his own joke but I can tell he knows it didn't settle the way he had intended it to. The knot that had formed in my stomach during this whole conversation does a little flip as if to agree.

"I know we avoided it but don't worry about Tyson, okay? He's really fine. I think he just needs some space right now," I relay what I know he's hesitant to ask before we part ways. He lets out a breath of relief in approval and I can hear his voice relax a bit at the reassurance.

"Thanks, Ray. I just wish I knew what to do. He's not really the type to WANT to be left alone. It's really frustrating that I can't help him with whatever it is. But I'm sure you'd tell me if it was that bad. I'll just have to trust you." I smile as we say our good-byes and he hangs up the phone. I have to gather myself up to stand so I can hang up the kitchen phone and the energy it takes to do so seems too far away from me. I just sit a minute, until the annoying beeping noise alerts me that the phone is angry and wants to be put down for the night so that I have to force myself up to oblige. Once it is safely and quietly in its bed, I gather up all my remaining courage and surge into action.

I don't hear anything from Tyson, even during dinner time, and time rushes by much quicker than I had hoped. I do my research and relay my ideas back and forth with Max until I am satisfied with what we end up with. Before I know it, it's the next day. I rally all my courage, borrow the best clothes I can find in Kai's closet and set out on my mission. This was going to work, it had to.

I deliver what I feel is my best proposal. I am urgently told that I need to leave as I hadn't made an appointment but after announcing my name I am then told to wait instead while my work is reviewed.

So we sit in silence. Now time feels to be a lot longer than it probably is, almost as if it has stopped completely. How did we get here so fast only to be left stagnant like this? It takes all my strength not to fidget, as much as every nerve in my body wants to. It just wouldn't look good at this point. I had to show confidence. It was an important part of my progress.

So I wait, for however long…

If you think not fidgeting is hard, try not sweating or looking uncomfortable when clearly there isn't anything else you could possibly be in this situation. The secretary takes little notice of me, going about their business as usual, but that doesn't matter. I still feel like all the pressure is resting on how I act in this precise moment.

I start to think I am being ignored. It had been a whim that had led me here. The 'element of surprise' left no room for waiting and finalizing and perfecting that would probably make me much more reassured right now had it all been done more thoroughly. But we are going to focus on the positive. It left less time for actions to be planned against me and that was the main goal all along, right? I'll just keep repeating that to myself until I believe it's true. Besides, we all know I'm great at improvising. That's all this really was right? One big improvisation…

Tch.

Was that convincing for you?

No?

Let's try spiraling instead… On the other hand, this 'surprise' action wouldn't be appreciated or welcomed and possibly might even have the opposite effect of what I had hoped for. If he really DID just ignore me, he still had me right where he wanted me; waiting for him with nothing but anticipation and the ever impeding sense of doom looming over everything.

My only hope was that my proposal was written well enough. Using both mine and Max's expertise it seemed pretty solid. I couldn't find any flaws in it…but that doesn't mean there wasn't any. After all, I was pretty biased and NOT an actual businessman. And neither was Max really if we wanted to get extremely technical. He was still a first year. And I don't even really know what kind of student he is. He's pretty spontaneous… Maybe he's as spontaneous about his grades too! That could spell trouble.

What was I thinking?

This is it, isn't it? He's going to read my terrible proposal and know just how uneducated I really am and he's going to throw it out and ignore me. And I'll never even know it because I'll still be sitting here waiting, while he's at home drinking wine or some other expensive…thing, laughing at how ridiculously naïve I am.

I can't let it end this way.

I am going to protest this outcome and demand he stop whatever he is doing in that office and be forced to meet with me. I didn't want to be defeated so easily and without a fight. This wasn't just about me.

I don't have to act on this impulse though because as soon as I move to get up and state my demands, the door opens and his attendant waves me in with a polite nod.

"Mr. Hiwatari will see you now," were his only instructions.

"Finally," I mumble quietly under my breath. The nervousness I was covering up didn't fade any but there was a small feeling of liberation mixed in now. I shoot to standing and straighten out my suit.

I nod my thanks to the secretary for allowing me the company, but the secretary doesn't even bother to look up. So I turn to the attendant and gives him the same courtesy. He at least gives me a thankful gesture in response. The bodyguard (yes, of course I caved) starts to follow me in, without a word, only to be stopped at the door.

"Mr. Hiwatari only requested Mr. Kon's presence. You may wait with me." I immediately flinch, unable to control it, then quickly try to conceal it and return to my calm, composed attitude. Watching Kai for so many years had it perks. I could at least mimic the things he tried so hard to maintain outwardly. Putting on airs didn't make me feel any more secure at the idea of entering the room alone but at least I could pretend I was. I had taken the bodyguard as a back-up in case things took a turn for the worst but I had a feeling if I tried to defend his presence it would make all the effort I had taken at disguising my discomfort to unravel right onto the floor. Not that I thought having him with me would really make much of a difference anyway, but it would have made Kai feel better when he heard about all this later. I guess it was good that he wasn't here and that he didn't anything yet either. We had spoken briefly when his plane had landed this morning but Max promised not to speak of it and I refused to divulge anything until I knew it would be too late for him to stop me.

The bodyguard starts to protest but catches my eye and frowns, as if he can read my thoughts right off my face. He nods and gives up without a fight. We hadn't known each other very long but we had somehow learned enough about each other to have these unspoken exchanges without needing any verbal cues. Maybe he thought that nothing terrible could happen within the confines of such an established business. If they wished to maintain a favorable image, it was certainly in their best interest that nothing did.

"Don't be long," he instructs me (as if it would be my choice), before disappearing behind the door as it closes.

I suddenly feel cold. Not just because this room is about 3 times darker than the waiting room outside, but because my nerves shoot through the roof with the click of the door shutting and an immediate wave of something ominous washes over me. I feel as though I am being delivered to my demise and I hide my shiver in wanting to shake it off.

The clearing of a throat behind me just makes this feelings sink deeper into my skin.

"Sit. Though you may not need to." The hard voice doesn't help either. I oblige, not having much else I can do at the moment. I take the seat nearest to the door and sit down rigidly, steeling myself for whatever I might have coming for me. He doesn't leave me time to greet him or say anything to break the ice as he presses on. "I'll give you 1 day," he states, his tone not losing the iciness even in the slightest.

I choke at the words, incapable of stopping the panic that quickly takes over all other feelings I may have had. He left me no room to prepare myself for this and my immediate response is to jump back up out of the chair and take a menacing step towards him in protest.

"That's completely unreasonable!" I explode. He doesn't waver at all and my abrupt burst of assurance dissipates as quickly as it had risen. I clear my throat, now feeling like I have caught the attention of an unwanted crowd that needs to be quelled even if we are the only ones here. "I mean, I clearly delegated a timeline." I usher towards the proposal that he has neatly laid out on the desk in front of him.

My intentions had been to make this on my terms and my conditions so that things could happen more naturally between us. If I had the freedom to set the guidelines, I could show him what I was capable of, gain his favor (or at least lessen the intolerance a little), and maybe help him see that I wasn't some home wrecker that was trying to steal his money or ruin his relationship with his son.

I had a feeling he was doing all that on his own, without any help from me, but since he had chosen to set blame and had come to a conclusion that getting rid of me would get rid of the problem, I needed him to know that this wasn't the case at all.

My proposal had set up several dates, some with only me and him, and some with all three of us, so that we could come to an agreement that we all were happy with. They were mostly public meetings or outings, things we could do together to learn about each other. Things that I had hoped were not something he would consider a waste of his time or energy. I had not neglected the fact that he was a serious businessman and was most likely busy.

Maybe I had been hoping for too much. Was this guy even human?

I had used the fact that his main goal seemed to be getting Kai to return as my leverage. I created opportunities for them to communicate and for him to see what kind of person I was.

"I can read," he replies crossly. "And while I had been impressed by the quality of your work and how clever you seem to think you are, I do not have time to continue this any longer. I am offering you 1 day. You will accept this condition…" He shuffles my proposal aside, tossing it absently into a trashcan nearby. I know this is a power move. One that seemed to be working rather well as it felt like he was tossing my heart into the trashcan along with it. Were my feelings that easily injured? He obviously wants me to know that they don't matter. I couldn't let him have this satisfaction but my only response is a very agitated glare as I can't seem to find any words that would justify what was happening inside of me. He opens a drawer and pulls out a different piece of paper. "…and the other conditions that I have laid out in this contract…" This new paper is slid across his desk in my direction. "…or you can leave." Why do I get the feeling he doesn't just mean his office? There's something in his tone that makes 'leave' sound rather final. I bite the inside of my lip to keep myself from flinching, or yelling, as both are actions that want to fire themselves out of me right now. "Don't worry," he coos. "I'm a reasonable man. You can take it with you to look over before signing."

His eyes had not left mine during the entire exchange and they seem to glint with a satisfied smile that doesn't reflect anywhere else on his face. Not the good kind of smile, but one that makes me want to hurt something instead. Preferably him.

He taps the desk twice and the door opens behind me as the attendant re-enters.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Kon." The attendant smiles before offering me the way out and my throat dries. I suddenly feel like I was just kicked in the face and I didn't even read the thing yet. I swipe the paper from the desk and curtly nod my good-byes before skating my way out the door.

So much for confidence. Am I allowed to breath now? How am I ever going to pull this off if I can't even handle the negotiations? One day didn't sound so bad if it meant this would be over quicker. This, however, was placing me right where he wanted me. Desperate and hard-pressed not to screw this one chance up.

I don't even look at the paper, crumpling it and shoving it deep into the pocket of my jacket where I wished it would just disappear, as I gather my bodyguard and charge out of the office all the way back to the security of my own apartment. Which really wasn't much of a reprieve at all. My mind was completely frantic. Fried, fizzled out, and rattled beyond words that would make any sense. What was I supposed to do now? Should I consider this a small victory? He hadn't turned me down…

I pace around the hallway in an unsettled state, slowly realizing that I am running out of places that I felt comfortable in. My living room, the outdoors, offices, my own head… How many safe places did I have left to go to and was I really going to let him keep taking them away until they were all gone?