AN:

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Chapter 4

Awareness came in bits and pieces for Mac. He felt a cold sensation on his face and a female voice mumbling soothing words. Weird, normally Jack was the one to bring him back from unconsciousness. Jack! Suddenly it all came crashing down on him and he almost longed for the peace of oblivion again. He forced his eyes to open and met Rileys glance that was dark with concern and pain. She forced a smile on her face, albeit not a very convincing one.

„God you must hate me," mumbled Mac and moved to sit up. Riley pushed him back, deciding not to address his statement as she wasn't sure about her feelings toward Mac at the moment. „Don't rush it Mac, take it easy." Mac closed his eyes and took deep breaths for a couple minutes to try to get a grip on the turmoil of emotions moving through him like a hurricane.

Bozer brought a glas of water from the kitchen. Slowly he helped Mac into an upright position and held out the glas. Mac took a sip and gave it back. „It was a bit too much huh," Bozer muttered not sure what to say not to upset his friend any further.

„I'm fine. Help me up." His usual stubborn refusal to show weakness was back in place. Jack would immediately call him out on it. But the Delta wasn't here, hadn't been for a long time. Eight months. So Jacks last message was indeed a goodbye as he left for the sandbox right after that.

Bozer held him firmly by the arm until he sat back down on the couch. „Sorry about that," Mac mumbled clearly embarrassed by his fainting.

„It's ok blondie," Matty said reassuringly. They all waited for the blond to speak. Anger welled up in Mac hot and fiery suddenly burning its way through him like lava.

Accusingly he started yelling. „How could you let him go? Why didn't you talk him out of it?"

Matty held up her hand. „Stop right there Mac. You know as well as we that you can't talk Jack out of anything once he's made up his mind."

Mac knew Matty was right. „But why?" Anguish had replaced some of the anger Mac felt.

Riley answered without sugarcoating the situation. „Jack was devastated after you left. At first he tried to get back on track and move on, but then things came to a head with your dad and he simply couldn't take it any longer. We had a long talk before he left. He writes regularly."

„Yeah? Great, he left anyway," Mac commented sarcastically.

That made Riley really angry. „At least he had the decency to say it right into my face instead of disappearing without a goodbye and ignoring all messages. That's not something I can say about all of my friends."

That stung. Mac felt like someone had punched him in the gut, but Riley was right. That was exactly what he had done. Nobody dared to speak. Riley slumped back, all the fight gone out of her. After a while Matty stood up. „It has been a long day. Get some rest Mac. Come to the Phoenix tomorrow so we can speak about the neccessary arrangements concerning your father."

Soon after Matty left, Bozer turned in for the night. That left Mac and Riley alone.

„Beer?" The blond offered and the hacker nodded. Mac grabbed two bottles and they settled on the deck.

Riley spoke up. „I'm sorry Mac for saying those things. That was uncalled for. You just lost your dad and didn't deserve me attacking you like that. I'm really sorry."

Mac pulled at the label on his bottle. „Don't be. I deserve it and much more for the way I left you all hanging. It was just too much. I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to get away from everything that had to do with my life and that included my friends. I was so selfish. I didn't think about what it would do to all of you."

Riley smiled a genuine smile. „Well, you deserved to be a little selfish for once in your life. I can't imagine what I would have done. Your old man pulled the rug out from under your feet. It affected both your work and your private life. And now he's dead. I'm really sorry for your loss Mac."

Mac felt relieved that Riley wasn't angry with him anymore. „To be honest I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just keep thinking I should feel worse. I'm sad, I really am, but I don't feel a great loss. He had left my life so long ago and when he came back, things were too messed up. Maybe we would have made up one day, maybe we wouldn't. I'll never know and that makes me sad." He sighed.

Riley took another gulp of her beer. „At least you have closure now. Sure you have to come to terms with it all and the funeral and all that stuff will be hard to bear, but you can make a fresh start after that without being afraid of James interfering."

Mac smiled sadly. „That sounds almost like a piece of Jack-Dalton-wisdom."

„I guess he rubbed off on me." Riley blinked hard to keep her emotions from overwhelming her suddenly. „I'm so worried about him Mac." She admitted.

Mac nodded. „Me too. Afghanistan is more unstable than ever. He can easily get himself killed over there no matter how skilled he is."

„I know. I spend every night going through all the news I can get my hands on. At first I was afraid, that he wanted it." The hacker stated silently.

Mac frowned. „I can't follow. That he wanted what?"

„Getting killed over there. He was … not doing well when he left. But at least he made me the promise to do anything in his might to come back." She closed her eyes and laid her head back to avoid looking at her friend.

Mac couldn't stand the thought about Jack dying in the hell that was Afghanistan. His voice was more of a whisper when he spoke. „It is my fault, that he's gone. I've driven him away."

Riley laid her hand on his arm. „It's not. Jack is old enough to make his own decisions. He wouldn't let you take the blame, if he was here."

„But he isn't here and he might never be here again. Why Jack, why couldn't you just take a job offer here in LA?" Mac got agitated.

Riley hesitated before she decided to tell her friend the truth. „Because your dad made sure he couldn't get a decent job in the area. Jack couldn't play guard dog in a shopping mall. You know him Mac, he needs to put his skills to use. He didn't want to work for the CIA again, so the only logical decision was to join the Army and head back to Afghanistan."

Macs expression was one of pure agony. „So when my dad couldn't mess up my life any more he turned on Jack? How could he?"

„I don't know what James motives had been, but he was not the only reason for Jack to leave. I think he wanted to punish himself for pushing you to find his old man." Riley explained.

Mac huffed. „As if he hadn't suffered enough in his life. God Jack we really need to have a long talk when you come back." The blond said, his gaze drifting out into the night.

„Amen." Riley agreed.

Hey sunshine,

I can't even begin to say how much I miss you. This is getting harder with each passing day. I'm not questioning the purpose of this war, but I wonder if it is worth the price. Today was the worst day in my career as a soldier. We were sent out to provide security detail for a hospital that had to be evacuated. It had been damaged too heavily and was no longer operational. There were Taliban taking pot shots at us all day. We knew they were hiding in the hills opposite the hospital. They had already shot a doctor so we went into action. We picked them off the hill one by one. Two snipers against a whole bunch of them. Took us all afternoon until we got the last one. After it was over we went up the hill to make sure they were all dead. They were kids. We killed kids today. I killed kids today Riley. I understand if you hate me, you can't hate me more than I do myself right now. I think the youngest wasn't older than maybe fifteen. When I first fought in this fucking war he was only a toddler. If you have told me then that I would shoot this baby I would have rather put a bullet in my own head. But here we are now. The boy isn't old enough to need a razor, but adept at using a machine gun. The kid was born in a war zone. All he had known his whole life was death and blood and hate, not the meaning of the word peace. He should be hanging out with his friends, chasing girls and getting laid for the first time, not lying in a pool of his own blood on a fucking hillside. I can't understand how people can talk about winning a war. There are no winners in war. I don't know how much more I can take Ri.

Love

Jack

Riley burst into tears. „Oh God Jack, Jack, Jack." She had no words to describe the horror she felt at reading those words. The pain Jack was suffering was bleeding from his words and the last senctene was barely visible, as if all strength had left his hand. Riley felt more helpless than ever. She realized that this was the unadorned truth about war. Storys Mac and Jack had told about Afghanistan popped back into her mind, but only funny ones about pranks or storys about successful rescue missions. They had given her the redacted version, not the brutal gory truth. Riley wasn't naive, she knew that war was gruesome and unfair. But seeing it on the TV and being able to turn it off and go on with your life unaffected made it easy to forget about it.

Riley grabbed her phone, she needed Macs advice how to help Jack. Just before hitting the call button she stopped mid motion. Tomorrow was James MacGyver funeral and she couldn't add to his burden. She turned the pencil in her hand around for a long time, unconsciously starting to nibble on it. When she realized what she was doing she started crying again. A memory of Jack appeared in her mind and what tricks he had used to help her get rid of that stupid habit. Finally she was able to pull herself together and start to write.

The burial was a silent affair. Matty had held an eulogy. It was appropriate as she was the person who had known James MacGyver best. Mac registered there were only Phoenix employees present. Obviously his father hadn't had any friends. This made him sad and he realized there was a huge possibility that he would end up the same. Mac had alienated his friends, not because he didn't want to have anything to do with them, he just needed the space and distance. By doing that he may have caused irreversible damage to their friendship. It was a huge mistake, leaving them without explaining his motives. No wonder Jack was blaming himself, because Mac didn't respond to his messages, he must have felt rejected by the blond. No matter what Riley said, he was responsible for Jacks decision to re-up for another tour. He didn't want to end up like his dad, with only colleagues standing at his grave. He wanted his family back and he would do anything to achieve that goal. Mac said a silent thank you to his dad for at least leaving him that message, even if it hadn't been his intent. Jack had once said As long as you got me, you got family. Mac just hoped that he hadn't severed the bond with his brother beyond repair.

Dear Jack,

I could never hate you. You are the person I love the most in my life, beside my mum. You are my dad. The only one I've ever had and it doesn't matter that it isn't your name on my birth certificate. I love you and nothing can ever change the fact. I'm so so sorry, that you had to kill kids, but you had no choice. They would have killed more innocent people like the doctor. You saved a lot of lifes, please look at it that way. You didn't kill them, the war did it. I know it sounds like a clichee, but it's true. I'm slowly understanding the brutal enormity of the war. I've never closed my mind to the events happening over there, but never being in a situation like that made it difficult to accept it as a reality. It's tough to bear, but I'm glad you trust me enough to share your experiences with me. It makes me appreciate what you do, what all the soldiers and veterans did, all the more. I've often used the phrase „thank you for your service" without even understanding the true meaning behind those words. What price a solider has to pay, even if he comes home physically unharmed. Living in a horror film day in and out, risking your life on a daily basis when the rest of us complains about heavy traffic or bad weather. I'm embarrassed to admit being on of them, but I'm glad you made me see the other side of the coin. But on the other side it makes me feel sick to know that you're in the middle of it all. It is killing me, that I'm so far away from you and not able to do a thing to support you. God Jack, how could our lifes become such a mess? I hate myself for letting you go. We would have found a suitable job for you, or we could have started our own business together. I'm honest, I didn't expect it to be so hard. I thought it's only a year, time flies by and you'll be back safe and sound and we move on with our lifes. Pick up where we left. But it isn't that easy, is it? You're going through a really tough time right now and I want you to know that I don't expect you to brush it off if it is nothing. This year has taken a toll on you and on me as well. The only thing that matters right now is that you make it back to me safely. No expectations, no need to put up a brave face for me and certainly no bullshitthing me. You don't need to be ok, but I want you to let me in to help you be ok again one day. Can you do this for me?

Your girl

Riley

Jack ran his fingers over the words. He was in awe about the girl he choose as his daughter so long ago. As much as he hated being so far away from her, this whole situation and the letters they shared had made their bond even stronger. Jack had stopped to protect her from the awful truth that war was. Instead he had held onto his promise to be completely honest to his girl. It was incredibly hard at times, but it really helped him to get at least some of the pressure of his chest in that way. Riley never judged him, on the contrary she supported him and comforted him in a way he didn't even know he needed. She was doing so much for him, in fact she was the only thing that kept him sane. Coming back to Afghanistan had been a mistake. Oh sure, he did a lot of good, had mastered many successful missions and saved a lot of lifes along the way. But he had also taken a lot of lifes. It was different than killing men while on a Phoenix mission. They fought the bad guys, who made a conscious decision to live on the wrong side of law and not poor people, who were born and dragged into the conflict, often forced behind a gun without wanting to be there. Jack was still a soldier through and through, but he had lost the comforting blanket of just following orders as an excuse. Maybe it was because the war had been going on for so long or he simply was getting too old for it. Jack didn't know and he didn't give a shit. What he knew was that he would never come back here again, when his tour was over.

„Another letter from Riley?" Ferrari asked when he entered the tent they shared. Jack nodded and carefully folded his treasure and stored it under his pillow, where all the others had found a place.

Rico watched his friend, not liking what he saw. At first he had been tickled pink, when Jack had resurfaced in his unit, but when he had seen the deep sadness that had replaced the once happy-go-lucky attitude his joy had dimmed. Sure Jack was still joking and he fooled everyone with his behaviour except Ferrari. They had spent long hours at the campfire and Jack had told him about Mac and his departure. Rico had known the blond from his time as EOD tech. He had been in the same unit: Jack, Mac, Rico and Joe „Hawk" Hawkins. Jack and Mac had left the Army and Hawk had lost his foot in an RPG attack. Ferrari had been the only one remaining in war.

Jack outranked Ferrari, who had climbed up in ranks, but his temper had slowed the process down somewhat. „The General wants to see you in the command center."

An hour later Jack came back and relayed their orders to his team. „We're going on a rescue mission. There's a CIA agent hiding in a cave in the Delak area. We're going in and giving him an escort to Chaghcharan. He has vital information about the new training camps the Taliban have set up."

„Why doesn't the Agency retrieve him, if he's one of their guys?" Steve Hanson a young blond soldier wanted to know. He was still plagued with pimples, which had earned him the nickname Babyface. It was hilarious as he was a big guy 6 foot 5 tall.

„Since when does the CIA give a damn about one of their agents Babyface? I'm gonna tell you. Never." Randy Berkman a seasoned soldier, who was bald answered.

„Yeah, you're right Berk. I've worked for the CIA and they screw you over every chance they get. That's why I don't like that mission one bit. It always gets ugly when the Agency is involved. They're holding back intel and when the mission's a success they take all the praise. When everything goes south, then they've never been involved. But orders are orders. Grab your gear boys, we're Oscar Mike in twenty."

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