Chapter 8:

Dean didn't go inside right away, instead finding himself wandering towards the tree that Cas had fallen out of when they'd first met. He stood at the base of the trunk for a while, staring up at the mess of branches. Part of him wanted to run after Cas, talk about what had just happened, maybe even continue what had just happened. But he was afraid he'd only push Cas away. He figured it was best to give him space. Things would be awkward at school, they'd talk after the wrestling meet, and then all would be right in the world.

Dean's heart was still pounding in his ears, and his skin was buzzing and warm all over. He never even knew kissing could feel that good. Sure, Dean had thought about kissing Cas, but he never thought he'd actually go through with it. He definitely never thought that Cas would kiss him. The whole thing made Dean's head spin.

He climbed up a few branches and sat back against the trunk. His head hit the bark with a soft thunk and he sighed. He couldn't figure out why Cas had run away. He knew it wasn't about his kissing skills. He wasn't exactly an expert but he was no rookie either. And he already knew Cas was gay, he'd told him that much. And he was either stupid or Cas liked him- Dean was a lot of things, but he wasn't stupid.

So he really didn't know what it could be. Unless…

Thinking back to the carnival, Dean felt sick. Maybe Cas was more afraid of him than he'd let on after what had happened. Dean had tried to make things go back to normal but maybe that was wishful thinking. Cas had seen the darkness in him and it was too much.

"Dean? Is that you?"

He looked down at the source of the voice. Robin. He was surprised but not unhappy to see her. He smiled.

"Hey, Robin," he said as she looked up at him curiously.

"What are you doing up there?" she asked, then smirked. "Don't tell me you're going all 'bird boy' like Cas."

Dean laughed. "Is that a bad thing?"

She shook her head, smiling. "No. Just doesn't seem like your style."

Dean shrugged. "I'm just thinking."

"Mind if I join?"

Dean held out a hand in invitation, and Robin set her backpack down on the grass and started climbing up to where Dean was sitting. She sat on a branch just above him and smiled, swinging her legs gently. Dean smiled hesitantly at her. "What brings you here?"

Robin shrugged. "Just thought I'd stop by. Saw some idiot sitting in a tree and had to make sure they weren't stuck."

"Hey!" Dean laughed, and Robin followed suit.

"So what are you thinking about?" Robin asked after a while.

Dean looked down at his hands where they sat in his lap. "Just, uh…" Dean trailed off, shaking his head. "I miss my brother," he said, not exactly a lie.

"Brother?" Robin pried, watching him curiously. "I didn't know you had a brother."

"It's… complicated." Dean sighed. "I keep thinking how I need to get back to him. But for some reason I just can't leave." His thoughts wandered back to Cas. Truthfully, he knew exactly what it was that was keeping him here.

"It's hard to leave once you've got people who care about you," Robin said with a meaningful look, and Dean's throat felt thick as he looked up at her. He knew what she meant, but he was still thinking of Cas. He'd thought that Cas cared about him, but after what he'd seen maybe that was no longer true. Maybe the kiss had revealed just a little too much darkness. Maybe Dean was just too broken.

"Dean?"

Dean cleared his throat and met her eyes again. "Sorry… Just-"

"Thinking," Robin finished with a gentle laugh. "It's alright." She hesitated for a moment, watching Dean carefully. "So, Dean…"

Dean's eyes widened a bit. "Yeah?"

"Well, ya know, the Homecoming dance is in a couple weeks, and…" she trailed off.

Dean's throat felt thick as he realized where she was going with that. He couldn't help but think of Cas, and part of him even thought about what would happen if he asked Cas to the dance, but who was he kidding? Cas didn't want anything to do with him. That was pretty obvious from the way he ran away like Dean was the goddamn plague.

And he did like Robin. A lot, actually. He'd enjoyed their kiss and Robin made him smile. She was beautiful and funny and kind and everything Dean had ever imagined wanting in a girlfriend. Maybe he'd been so focused on Cas that he was forgetting about who stood right in front of him.

Smiling tentatively, Dean finally spoke. "This dance… You like that kind of thing, right?"

Robin laughed nervously, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I mean… Yeah. I guess so. Probably not your style, though, right?"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, that depends. Are you going?"

Robin bit her lip to keep her face from splitting into a huge smile. "Well no one's asked me yet…"

"Bunch of idiots," Dean said, earning a shy laugh from her. "Any guy'd be lucky to have you on his arm."

"Is that your way of asking me to the dance?" Robin asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

Dean blanched for a moment, but quickly composed himself. "Well, that depends. Is that you saying yes?"

"I suppose it is," she said with a laugh.

"Looks like I'm asking, then," Dean said, slapping on a charming smile. Robin rolled her eyes and smiled at him.

"You're ridiculous."

"I think the word is adorable," Dean said with a smirk.

"If that makes you feel better."

They laughed together then fell into comfortable silence. It was starting to get dark, so Robin had to get going.

"See ya later, Robin," Dean said, hopping down from the tree after her.

With a nervous smile, Robin stepped forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. "See ya, Dean."

As she left, Dean sighed and sat down on the grass, leaning against the tree. Yes, he liked Robin, and he was actually excited to go to the dance with her, but that chaste kiss only proved one thing in his mind. And that was that nothing could possibly compare to the way he felt when he kissed Cas. Nothing could even come close.

...

Cas felt like he was suffocating. He didn't even realize where he was running until he practically collapsed on Balthazar's front porch. Not even a minute later, Balthazar was opening the door. "Cas?" he said, frowning and helping Cas to his feet. He was shaking and close to tears and he looked like he was going to drop to the ground again. "Cas, Jesus, what happened to you?"

Balthazar helped Cas inside and sat him down on the couch, concern written all over his face as he stared at Cas.

"I…" Cas started, but the words wouldn't come out. He shook his head, folding his hands in his lap and leaning forward. His whole body was trembling and he felt like he was going to be sick.

"Cassie, what happened?" Balthazar asked again, rubbing his back. He felt a strong sense of protectiveness set in and he shifted closer to Cas. "Just breathe. Tell me what's wrong."

Cas shook his head again. "No. Not… I… I don't know. It didn't feel wrong, but I just… I don't know how…"

"Cas," Balthazar urged gently. "I don't know what you're saying. Start from the beginning."

Cas took a deep, shaky breath and his shoulders slumped a bit. "I… I kissed Dean," he whispered, closing his eyes tightly.

Balthazar's chest felt tight. That definitely wasn't what he was expecting. "Okay…" he said slowly, trying to quell the jealousy that threatened to show its face. "And?"

"And I don't know," Cas said, voice rising frantically. "One minute I was just showing him some wrestling moves for the meet tomorrow, and then…" Cas let out a frustrated sigh. "He was just so close. He was looking at me like he… I don't know. I just… I kissed him. And he kissed me back, I think."

"You think?" Balthazar asked skeptically.

Cas groaned. "I… I mean he did. He definitely did. I… I've never had a kiss like that. But…"

Balthazar frowned. "What's wrong?" He couldn't really bring himself to say anything else at the moment.

Cas looked up at him, and he had tears on his face. "My dad," he said in a small, child-like voice. "He… This is the reason he stopped loving me. Because I'm like this."

Balthazar's jealousy and suspicious of Dean were momentarily forgotten. He grabbed Cas by the shoulders and met his eyes. "Hey," he said insistently. "Forget about your dad. He's a self-righteous bastard and he never deserved an amazing son like you. There's nothing wrong with the way you are. Absolutely nothing."

Cas let out a sob and collapsed against Balthazar's chest. "I love him, Bal," he whimpered.

"Of course you do, he's your dad, but-"

"No," Cas stopped him, choking on a sob. "Dean. I love Dean."

That felt like a punch in the gut to Balthazar. Of course he already knew it… He'd seen the way Cas looked at Dean from the beginning. It was plain as day. But that didn't mean he liked it.

Sure, he believed Dean when he promised he wasn't playing Cas. But Balthazar could just feel it, something was off about Dean. Something was very, dangerously off. He couldn't figure out exactly what it was but he knew he didn't want it anywhere near his best friend.

Still, he couldn't break Cas's heart over a hunch. All he could do was be there for Cas and hope that he was wrong about Dean.

So he wrapped his arms around his best friend and held him while he cried. Once Cas finally calmed down a bit, mostly because he didn't have any tears left to cry, he sat up and looked at Balthazar.

"What do I do?" he asked, voice low and rough. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"I…" Balthazar stared at him, but he was at a loss. "I don't know, either."

Cas sighed. "You're supposed to be the one with all the answers," he joked weakly. "You always know how to make me feel better."

Balthazar let out a soft, choked laugh. "I'm just making shit up as I go, Cassie," he said, shaking his head as tears spilled from his eyes. "I don't have a goddamn clue." Pausing, he looked at Cas and he knew he had to say something, even if he didn't know what. "But Cas…" he began, taking a shaky breath. "If you really love Dean… Maybe you should tell him. He might surprise you. And you can't let it eat you up inside."

God, he wished he could take his own advice.

Cas nodded slowly, taking in a deep breath and letting it out unsteadily. "You're right," he whispered. "I'm scared, Bal. What if he doesn't love me back?"

"Then he's a damn moron," Balthazar said confidently, squeezing Cas's hand and mustering up a smile. "You're…" Everything. "You're a catch." Then, with a smirk, "Hot as hell too, Cassie. Dean would have to be blind or stupid."

Cas scoffed and shook his head. "Alright, now you're just full of it."

Balthazar laughed. "I speak the truth."

"Whatever," Cas laughed. "Now shut up and put on a movie or something. I've got some time before curfew."

"Princess Bride?" Balthazar got up and made his way to the movie cabinet.

Cas grinned. "You know me so well."

…

At school the next day, Dean wasn't really expecting much. He pretty much figured Cas never wanted to talk to him again. And he told himself there was no point being miserable over it. He was used to losing people, used to watching the fear in their eyes when they realized what he was. He could almost convince himself that Cas was no different, that it shouldn't mean anything. Almost.

Robin was an excellent distraction as always. A very sweet, very cute distraction. Still, Dean couldn't help but notice when Cas didn't show up in first or last period. It wasn't like him to miss class. Dean couldn't help but start to worry.

The sick feeling in his gut was eased somewhat when he showed up in the gym for their first wrestling meet of the season and Cas was there. As the boys gathered around the coach, Dean noticed that Cas was actually going out of his way to not look at Dean.

Dean lost his first match. He was distracted by Cas sitting in the front row on the bleachers with the rest of the team. Cas still wasn't looking at him.

In his second match, Dean did a better job at not focusing on Cas. It was close, but Dean pinned the other boy and won the match. The crowd cheered, and Dean noticed that Robin was sitting a few rows up from the team. He smiled at her. All he needed was a different face to direct his focus to.

Cas wasn't exactly avoiding Dean. He wanted to talk to him about the kiss. About everything. He wanted to tell him how he felt. He just wanted to wait until they could actually sit down and have a real, private conversation. During class and even at lunch just wouldn't cut it. So he stayed away, waiting until the day was over and he could catch Dean alone. It felt like the longest day of his life.

He tried not to get too distracted by Dean in his uniform. And he thought gym shorts were bad. That was nothing compared to how incredibly revealing those unitards were.

Dean won all of his matches after the first one. Cas realized that Dean never needed his help with wrestling moves. So why would he ask Cas to help him practice, unless…

Cas's heart pounded in his chest. Dean had wanted to get close to him, wanted to touch him even. That was the only reasonable explanation Cas could think of. Dean really had wanted the kiss to happen. Maybe he even reciprocated Cas's feelings. The thought made Cas dizzy. He was already planning on telling Dean how he felt, but he'd never considered the possibility that Dean might feel the same.

After all the matches were finished and the boys had changed out of their uniforms, the coach gathered the team and congratulated them on the win. This time, Cas couldn't take his eyes off Dean. He wasn't looking back but Cas couldn't blame him for that. He probably thought Cas was avoiding him. Cas couldn't have that.

After the team dispersed, Cas took a deep breath and he was about to approach Dean when out of nowhere Robin ran up and hugged him.

"Oh my god, you were so good!" she exclaimed happily, kissing his cheek. Dean laughed and grabbed her hands loosely. Cas felt sick.

He heard a couple of girls talking behind him and he couldn't help but listen in.

"Can you believe it? Robin is going to Homecoming with Dean Winchester. She has no idea how lucky she is…"

Cas didn't listen to much after that, but he had heard enough. He felt his stomach twisting itself into knots, and he felt like a complete idiot. What was he thinking? Dean Winchester was never going to love him.

He finally made his legs move and ran out of the gymnasium before Dean could see him. He found Balthazar at the drinking fountains and grabbed his arm, pulling him into an empty classroom and closing the door.

"Wow, Cassie, I'm flattered but- holy shit are you okay?" Balthazar's demeanor went from playful to concerned in a fraction of a second and then he was grabbing Cas's shoulders and staring at him worriedly. "Cas, what's wrong?"

Cas shook his head, wiping the tears that fell without his permission. "I'm so stupid," he muttered.

"Well that's not true," Balthazar said, squeezing his shoulders gently. "What happened? Is it Dean?" The thought made his blood boil. He'd warned him if he hurt Cas…

Cas nodded and his lip trembled as he held back a sob. Balthazar pulled him to his chest and held him tight. "He… he's going to the dance with Robin," he choked out through stifled sobs. "I guess you were right all along, he's just been playing me." He let out a harsh sob and Balthazar held him tighter, his jaw working angrily.

"I was hoping I was wrong," he said quietly, rubbing Cas's back. "I truly was."

"I should've known," Cas said and his breath hitched with a half sob. "You and Charlie… You're the only ones I can count on."

Balthazar's heart broke at that. He didn't know what to say, so he just squeezed Cas gently and buried his face in dark hair. "It's okay, Cassie," he murmured. "It's okay."

After he felt like he'd cried all the tears he had for a whole year, Cas finally calmed down somewhat. He and Balthazar sat down on a couple of desks and Cas took a few deep, shaky breaths. "I love him, Balthazar," he said weakly. "I just… I can't help it. I love him."

Balthazar nodded, swallowing thickly. "We can't choose who we fall in love with."

"I actually thought…" Cas looked down at his hands in his lap. "I thought the kiss meant that he loved me too. I was stupid…"

Balthazar used two fingers to tilt Cas's chin up and met his eyes. "You're not stupid," he said fiercely. "He is. He's an idiot not to see what he's got." Cas didn't say anything, so Balthazar sighed and continued. "Who needs that bullshit, anyways? Hell, I'll take you to the dance, and you can show Dean that you could give a damn."

Cas looked at him sadly. "But I do give a damn."

"Well he doesn't need to know that," Balthazar told him. "We're gonna go to the dance and you're gonna have an outstanding time and Dean can go screw himself."

Cas thought about it. The idea of going to the dance and watching Dean with Robin made him want to curl into a ball and cry, but maybe Balthazar had a point. If Dean saw him having fun and dancing with Balthazar, maybe… Well, maybe he'd be jealous. That thought was enough for Cas to agree to Balthazar's insane plan.

"Alright, I guess," he said, sniffling. "But only if you wear a tux" he added with a tiny smile.

Balthazar rolled his eyes, but he was grateful to see Cas smile. "Fine," he pouted. "If it'll really make you happy, I'll wear a damn tux."

Cas grinned, and Balthazar knew he'd do anything to see that beaming bright smile any day of the week.

…

Dean went out for shakes at Robin's family's diner with the rest of the team after the meet. He was disappointed that Cas wasn't there, but he tried not to focus on that. It really wasn't fair to Robin to be thinking about anything else but her smile and her hand on his knee.

"So Dean, you might be carrying our asses to the tournament this year," one of the boys said, and some others piped up in agreement.

"You were amazing today," Robin told him with a smile, grabbing his hand, and some of the boys whistled at him. He laughed nervously and glanced at her.

"Come on guys, it was a team effort," he shrugged, hesitantly squeezing Robin's hand.

It all felt wrong. He hated that he felt like running away every time Robin touched him. He liked her, he did. She just wasn't Cas. But Cas wasn't here.

Still, Dean couldn't get him out of his head. He couldn't forget the way Cas's hands had touched him oh, so gently as they kissed. He couldn't forget the heated, dazed look in Cas's eyes when he pulled away, or how it was almost instantly replaced with panic. And he most definitely couldn't forget the Cas's body had felt against his own…

It was crazy. Dean had never felt this way about a guy before. And he wasn't gay. It was just… Cas. He didn't know how else to describe it. He had never felt like this until he met Cas. Everything about the boy was perfect. He was the most incredible person Dean had ever met and he'd fucked it all up. Of course, he knew it was always just a matter of time before people saw the real Dean and ran scared. The life of a hunter.

He had been hoping that Cas would be different. That Cas would see him and not run away. But he knew that was a stupid thing to wish for.

After they left the diner, Dean walked Robin home and she kissed him on the lips. He held her face gently in his hands and kissed her back, but it still felt wrong. He hadn't felt like this the first time they kissed… What was wrong with him?

Dean got back to Sonny's and walked up the stairs without a word, tense and alert when he walked in the bedroom to find Cas sitting on his bed in the corner. Dean gulped and took a seat on his own bed, grabbing his knife from his pocket. He began twirling it around in his fingers, staring at it in somewhat of a daze.

He didn't notice Cas watching him. He didn't see the hurt in his eyes or the hope… or the love. And he didn't know that Cas was still awake long after everyone else had fallen asleep, just watching Dean. Wishing. Hoping. He had no idea that all Cas wanted to do was go to him and hold him close and never let him go.

He never could've guessed that they both wanted the same thing.

…

The days dragged on. Cas still hadn't found the nerve to talk to Dean, and he was starting to think he never would. Besides, he was pretty sure Dean had moved on. He was sitting with Robin at lunch now, laughing and flirting and not paying Cas any attention at all. It was hell.

Cas tried to focus on school and on his friends, two things he could count on.

"Study group tonight?" Charlie asked, breaking the thick silence at the lunch table. Balthazar smiled tensely at her and then touched Cas's shoulder when he just shrugged, staring at his food.

"Study group and a movie night, I think," Balthazar said. "What do ya say, Cassie?"

Cas shrugged again. Charlie and Balthazar sighed, sharing a desperate look.

"Cas…" Charlie hedged, watching him carefully. "Sweetie, say something."

"We're worried about you, Cassie," Balthazar added. "It's been almost a week. You've barely eaten, you haven't slept except in class." Cas didn't say anything, and Balthazar didn't know what to do. He found it difficult not to let his anger bubble over. Dean had broken Cas's heart, just like he expected him to, and now he was out and about like he didn't care. And now he was here to pick up the pieces, Charlie too. But he was scared. He'd only seen Cas like this twice before. Once when his mom died, and again when his dad had kicked him out of the house.

Balthazar's head snapped up when Cas spoke softly. It barely came out as words so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Movie night sounds good," he whispered.

Charlie reached out to rub his back lightly. "I'll even let you pick the movie," she said with a half smile.

Cas looked at her finally, attempting a smile that turned into more of a grimace. "Thanks, Charlie."

The bell rang and the three of them tossed their trays and headed to class. Cas was grateful that he shared his next class with Charlie so he didn't have to walk alone, as Balthazar split off in the opposite direction.

…

Thursday rolled around and it was time for their second wrestling meet. This time it was at a rival school so the team took a bus to get there. Dean sat in the back of the bus with a couple of other boys on the team. He was basically their favorite person after his impressive performance the week before.

But Dean wasn't paying them much attention. He was more focused on Cas, sitting alone a few rows up, tucked up against the window. He wanted so badly to walk up to him and take a seat beside Cas. But he didn't think that would go over too well.

Dean hated this. He had never been one to become so fixated on any one person. They kissed, Cas wasn't into it, that should've been that. This wasn't the first time Dean had been rejected, so why the hell did he even care so much? It wasn't like he was in love with Cas or anything.

The thought made him uneasy in a way he couldn't quite explain. He knew that he felt something for Cas. At the very least, he could admit to himself that he'd never felt anything close to what he felt when Cas kissed him. Whenever he thought about it, which was a lot if he was being honest, his jeans felt uncomfortably tight and he had to take a minute.

Still, Dean was a teenage boy. He had urges, same as anyone. But that didn't mean he was in love. He definitely wasn't in love with a boy, either.

He just wished they could go back to normal. Back to friends. Back to casual flirting and touching that made Dean feel warm and happy but didn't have to change anything. A kiss… Well, as much as Dean wished it didn't, a kiss changed everything.

When the bus came to a stop, the boys started filing out after the coach. After they had all hit the locker rooms and changed into their uniforms, Dean found Cas sitting by himself on the bench in front of the bleachers. Before he could stop himself, he walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good luck out there," he said, barely keeping his voice from shaking.

Cas startled, flinching away and looking up at Dean with an expression that Dean couldn't place. He could only assume it was fear, and his heart sunk. He backed away. "I… I'm sorry." Dean turned and rushed out of the gymnasium, busying himself at the drinking fountain.

Cas watched him go, sitting there in confusion. That was… weird. Dean hadn't spoken to him all week, and now, he tried to make small talk only to disappear immediately after. Just when Cas thought he had figured out the mystery of Dean Winchester, the boy threw him another curve ball.

As brief and awkward as the interaction was, it rooted a tiny sapling of hope in Cas's heart. Maybe Dean missed him. Maybe he was just hurt after Cas ran away. Maybe…

His train of thought was utterly derailed when he saw Dean walking back into the gymnasium with Robin at his side. She was on student council so of course she would be here, but Cas still wasn't prepared to watch her plant a chaste kiss on his cheek and squeeze his hand before nudging Dean to join the team.

When the team went out for burgers afterwards, Cas chose not to join them. Robin and Dean were still standing way too close and Cas could only take so much. So after the bus took the team back to the school, Cas walked back to Sonny's by himself. Once again, he felt stupid for allowing himself even a moment to hope that Dean would choose him.

When he got back to Sonny's, he headed straight to his room. He changed into a pair of loose sweatpants and decided to forego a shirt, crawling into bed. He sighed heavily. Dean had made himself clear, and Cas knew he should quit hoping. It would only make things worse. All he could do was move on and try to forget just how much that kiss had meant to him.

He knew he was lying to himself for even thinking that was a possibility.