Chapter 9:

"Hey, Dean!"

Dean looked up from his food when he heard Benny's voice and saw him running towards him. He glanced at Robin apologetically and gave Benny an unamused look. "What is it, Benny?"

"Dude, are you going to the Homecoming game tonight?" Benny asked, as if it was the most urgent thing he could possibly be asking. Dean chuckled and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hadn't thought about it," he shrugged, then glanced at Robin. "Are you going?"

Robin pouted. "They need me to help set up for the dance. But you should go. It's a lot of fun."

Dean considered it. He glanced at the look on Benny's face, rolling his eyes when the boy waggled his eyebrows at him. "Fine, I guess it could be fun."

"Dude, yes!" Benny exclaimed, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him a few times. "Promise, Chief, you won't regret it."

"Yeah, whatever," Dean chuckled, shaking his head. Benny was already heading back to his table where Ash and Chuck were bickering about something or other. Dean turned back to Robin and smiled, a bit forced. "I don't have to paint my face, do I?"

Robin laughed, shaking her head. "Not unless you want to. Benny only goes for the cheerleaders anyways."

"Yeah," Dean laughed, grinning. "To tell ya the truth, I've never actually been to one of these things."

Robin's eyes widened a bit in surprise. "Never?"

"Never."

"Wow," Robin said thoughtfully. "I definitely thought you'd be the sporty type."

Dean laughed, a little wistful, and Robin gave him a curious look. "Cars and hunting, that's about all I learned how to do for basically my whole life."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Robin said casually, and Dean stifled a very, very bitter laugh.

"You have no idea."

Robin watched him for a few moments, trying to decide whether or not to press for more details. Based on the guarded look Dean was wearing, she decided not.

The bell rang and they stood up, standing there awkwardly for a moment.

"So I'll see you later-"

"I guess I should-"

They both spoke at the same time and then laughed softly. Dean smiled hesitantly at her and leaned in to kiss her, a brief, feather-light touch. "I'll see you later," he said. He hated that his smile felt so forced. Robin deserved better.

They parted ways and Dean noticed Cas leaving the cafeteria, holding hands with Balthazar. His stomach turned and he felt sick. He had noticed before that Balthazar's feelings for Cas were maybe a little more than platonic, but he didn't think that Cas…

Stop it, he scolded himself, averting his gaze and heading to class. If Cas wanted to date Balthazar, he could. Dean couldn't stop him. And why should he? Even if Cas did want to be with Dean, it would never end well. The life of a hunter didn't allow for things like love and commitment. The incident at the carnival had made him realize that. They had been lucky. But next time, and there was always a next time for him, what if Cas got hurt? Dean could never forgive himself if he let that happen.

So it was for the best. Dean knew that. But knowing didn't make it any easier when he got to chemistry class and saw Cas and Balthazar walk in shortly after, holding hands once again.

Jealousy. Yeah, that was a new one for him.

…

"Bal, you know I have no interest in sweaty jocks giving each other concussions over a big leather peanut." Cas looked at Balthazar, unamused, as they walked to chemistry class together, holding hands. Cas was grateful for the touch from his best friend. It was calming, comforting. It kept him grounded and reminded him of what mattered.

"Come on, Cassie, it'll be fun," Balthazar said, then smiled suggestively. "Besides, some of those sweaty jocks look damn good in those pants."

Cas's face flushed and he laughed. "You're incorrigible," he scoffed. "But fine. I'll go. If only because I love the popcorn they sell at the concessions booth."

Balthazar grinned. "That's the spirit, Cas!"

They walked into the chemistry lab still talking and laughing quietly, and Balthazar squeezed his hand before letting him go to his seat, next to Dean.

Cas could feel Balthazar watching them from across the room, suspicious and brooding. He looked up when the teacher started the lesson, keeping his focus lasered in on taking notes. He was glad that it was a textbook kind of day and not a lab partner kind of day. It made things a bit less awkward.

Dean was struggling to keep up with the note-taking, his attention drawn to Cas's hands and his quick, elegant writing. He wondered why he'd never paid much attention to Cas's hands before. His fingers were long and nimble and Dean couldn't help but remember the way they felt against his skin, pushing his shirt up just so…

Dammit.

Dean shifted in his seat, pulling his jacket down and attempting to hide the evidence of his train of thought. He couldn't help himself, though, he kept sneaking glances at Cas. Even when Cas wasn't looking at him, he could see the slight drawing together of his eyebrows as he concentrated, and the tiny frown on his face as he subtly mouthed the words he was writing. He was wearing a dark blue shirt that brought out his eyes, topped with a black hoodie, and his hair was sticking out in every which way.

He was sitting so close and it was simply intoxicating. But Dean couldn't look away.

"Mr. Winchester," the teacher said, annoyed, pausing in his lecturing. "Please, stop daydreaming and start taking notes. This will be on the test."

Dean nodded quickly and directed his eyes to his notebook, jotting down crap about molecules and atomic numbers with a shaky hand. He could feel wondering eyes on him and he wished he could crawl under the lab table and hide. That is, until he noticed a certain pair of eyes sneaking a couple of not-so-subtle glances at him. He looked up just in time to catch Cas's eyes, and it was the first time in more than a week that Cas had actually looked at him.

He wanted to say something, but nothing seemed quite right. Not here, not now, not enough. He just wanted his friend back. And maybe, if he was lucky, he wouldn't mind Cas kissing him again. He hadn't had the presence of mind to appreciate it enough the first time and he missed the feeling. He wanted another go.

The opportunity to say anything at all was lost when Cas cleared his throat and turned his attention back to his notebook. Dean felt like he'd screwed up his only chance.

Before he knew it, the bell rang and class was out. Cas was up and out the door before Dean could even gather his books. Sighing, Dean slung his backpack over one shoulder and made his way to the library. Oh, if Sammy could see him now, actually doing homework and shit. He'd be so proud.

He made it about an hour before he'd had enough. He decided to head out to the football field and try and get a good seat. He didn't know when Benny was planning on showing up but he didn't really care much about that. He was mostly going because it was easier than going home and being ignored by Cas all night. He could only take so much of that.

He saw the band getting set up in their section of the bleachers, and Dean decided to make himself comfortable on the end closest to the exit. He had a feeling he wasn't going to stick around for the whole thing.

"Hey there, chief!"

Dean startled a bit and looked up when Benny sat down beside him, clapping his shoulder roughly. "Hey man," he said with a light laugh.

"Ready to watch some babes in tiny skirts do cartwheels?" Benny asked with a wide grin, which quickly turned to amusement. "Oh right, I forgot, Winchester's got a girlfriend now."

Dean shoved his shoulder. "She's not my girlfriend," he muttered.

"Right," Benny scoffed. "If not Robin then Chatty Cassie. Take your pick."

Dean grumbled incoherently and shoved him again. Benny laughed and shook his head.

"Just speaking the truth."

"Yeah, well, shut up," Dean snarked.

"What?" Benny asked, holding his hands up. "I'm not judging. Just saying it's obvious, the way you look at him."

"I… I don't…"

"Yeah, you do," Benny said, staring at him with a deadpan expression. "Look, man, it's fine if you don't wanna talk about… whatever's been going on with you two. But it's eatin' at you, I can tell. Just talk to him, for god's sake."

Dean shook his head, staring out at the field where a couple of players were getting warmed up. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't wanna talk to me. I've tried."

Benny shrugged. "If you say so. You're both just so mopey. I almost liked it better when you guys made gross doe-eyes at each other all the time."

"We didn't-" Dean stopped short. There was no use lying, and he was tired of it anyways. He wasn't going to admit it out loud, what Cas meant to him, whatever this thing was between them, but he couldn't quite deny it either. "I fucked up," he said finally, a resigned whisper.

Benny nudged him with his shoulder, gently, offering a warm smile. "Trust me, man, he looks at you, same way you look at him. Whatever you did, you can't fuck that up. Not so easy, anyway."

Dean felt something dangerous tug at his heart: hope. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Benny didn't say anything else, but it was enough for Dean to feel like he was drowning.

They sat in silence for a while, except for Benny nudging him and pointing at the cheerleaders when they started their routine. "If you don't got a girlfriend or a boyfriend, then maybe what you need is a distraction."

Maybe Benny was right. Perhaps Dean could use a distraction that wasn't going to end with him hurting someone he cared about. Robin was great at distracting him from Cas, but he knew that he was only going to hurt her and he hated it.

So, he let himself enjoy watching the cheerleaders. No harm in that, right?

Once the game started, Dean found himself actually getting into it, cheering and booing appropriately. He'd never had much of a chance to care about school sports teams, but it felt kinda nice to feel like he was part of something. At some point, Ash joined them, painted in school colors from his chest up. Benny and Dean had to stop him from tossing his shirt onto the field after a particularly exciting play. Dean was laughing and cheering and jumping up from his seat, getting lost in the crowd mentality and the deafening sound of bass drums and trumpets.

All of that was drowned out into the background, however, when he noticed a familiar head of unruly black hair. He froze, staring after Cas who was heading towards the concessions stand.

He ignored Benny asking him if he was alright, and he was walking towards Cas before he even gave his legs permission to move. He hesitated before he reached the concessions, trying to work up the courage. Balthazar wasn't next to him and the boy's from Sonny's weren't around to interrupt. This could be his only chance.

A flick of movement in the darkness caught his eye, over by the school, and he frowned. Instinctively, he stuck his hand in his pocket and wrapped his fingers around his knife, already walking closer to get a better look.

"You better not have forgotten my hot dog, Cassie." Balthazar grinned as Cas came back from the concessions stand, but his smile fell when he saw the look on Cas's face. "What's wrong?" He followed Cas's gaze and saw Dean sprinting back to the school. He sighed. "Cas, he's not worth it. Leave it." Cas hesitated and Balthazar added, "Please. Let's just watch the game and cheer for the wrong team, okay?"

"We all play for the other team, anyways," Charlie chimed in with a sneaky smile, and Cas actually choked out a laugh. Balthazar smiled. "But I swear to god if you guys cheer for those heathens, I will skin you both alive."

As Dean got closer to the school, he caught a glimpse of Gordon running inside. Running from someone. No, something.

"Dammit," he muttered, following Gordon and that thing into the school. Gordon may have been a dick, but Dean was a hunter. And saving people was his job. Even people like Gordon.

"Get the hell away from me!"

He heard Gordon shout, panicked and fearful, and Dean ran faster to catch up to them. He followed a trail of drops of blood to the bathrooms, approaching cautiously as he heard Gordon's voice echoing scared and shaking. He was going for the element of surprise. And it would've worked if Gordon didn't look right at him as soon as he rounded the corner. So much for that.

Dean slapped on a half-cocky, half-terrified grin, getting into a fighting stance as the monster turned to face him. Now that he had a better look, he realized it was a vampire. The thing bared its teeth at Dean and he stuffed his knife in his pocket. It was useless here.

"Look who came for dessert," the vamp sneered, grinning darkly as she studied Dean hungrily. Gordon was frozen in the corner, sweat and blood dripping from his forehead.

"Well, I would say eat me," Dean said with a shrug. "But, well, you know."

The monster lunged at Dean and he threw a punch, groaning through his teeth and shaking his hand out. Shit, that hurt.

The vamp made a sound that resembled a laugh and Dean glared. "You won't be laughing in a minute, you blood-sucking bitch."

A plan formulating, Dean circled around, getting in between the vamp and Gordon. "Come and get it," he taunted, grabbing his knife again and cutting a thin line into his arm. He winced a bit but didn't let it show. "Come on, I taste delicious!"

The vampire let out a shriek and jumped at him, and Dean side-stepped. He used her momentum to shove her towards the stalls, opening the door and then slamming it shut with expert timing. The head rolled out from the stall and Dean made a face, breathing heavily. "Don't lose your head or anything," he muttered, smiling to himself.

He looked back when he remembered Gordon, and his stomach dropped. Shit.

"You… Those teeth… the head… What the fuck?" Gordon scrambled to his feet and backed away from Dean towards the exit. "You stay the fuck away from me, freak!"

Gordon ran out of the bathroom and Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, don't thank me for saving your ass or anything."

Dean wiped his hands down his jeans and looked around. Well, someone had to clean up this mess. And something told him the janitor wouldn't keep his trap shut.

…

The game was nearly over by the time Dean had cleaned up the blood and disposed of the body, and Dean was exhausted. He decided to head back to Sonny's and call it a night.

While he had to admit some part of him enjoyed the adrenaline rush that came from killing a monster, he couldn't shake the feeling of dread in his gut. First the carnival, now this. He should've known that he couldn't run away from his past, from his life. He was a hunter. And hunters didn't get normal lives. It just didn't work like that. You fought and saved people and then you died young and bloody with 2 dollars to your name. That was just how it was.

But Dean had accepted that a long time ago. It was nothing new, as much as he despised the reminder. As he approached Sonny's porch, he realized the real reason why the vamp attack had him so shaken up.

Cas. If there were hunters and monsters around, then Cas was in danger. If Dean was around, then Cas was in danger. Bad shit followed him wherever he went, and it was selfish to want to be close to Cas because being close meant putting him in harm's way. That was one of the first things a hunter had to learn. If you cared about someone, the best thing to do was to get as far away from them as possible.

Dean refused to expose Cas to his life, to the darkness. No matter how badly he wished he could tell him everything and no matter how much he hoped Cas would pull him close and tell him he loved him anyway.

Dean's shoulders slumped as he got ready for bed, brushing his teeth and slipping into some sweatpants before crawling under the covers.

…

"Dean!"

Panicked and breathing hard, Dean ran through the halls of the school, trying to find the source of the cries for help.

"Dean!"

Letting out a groan that was verging on a sob, he skidded to a stop and turned on his heels. How was it behind him now?

"Help me!"

The voice echoed, seeming to come from every direction at once, far away and out of reach.

"You can't save them, Dean."

He jumped and turned around, the color draining from his face when he saw who was standing there.

"Sammy?"

"You can't save them."

"Who? I don't…"

"You can't save anyone, Dean. You couldn't even protect your own brother."

"Sammy…" Dean collapsed to his knees and Sam disappeared. Dean cried out, desperate, "Sammy!"

"Dean! Help me!"

Forcing himself to get to his feet, Dean tried to focus. He still had a job to do. Saving people. That's what he was good at.

He held his gun and flashlight out in front of him, ignoring the fact that he hadn't had them a minute ago, and started kicking open doors.

"Dean!"

The voice was becoming more familiar as Dean got closer. It was still foggy and Dean couldn't quite place it.

As Dean came to the end of the hall, ready to kick down the last door, suddenly the voice was crystal clear.

"Dean, help me!"

Cas.

Dean barged into the room to find Cas on the floor and a vampire standing above him with blood dripping from its mouth.

Not bothering to think about how he suddenly had a machete instead of a gun, Dean cried out and lunged at the monster, beheading it with one hard swing. Then he fell to the ground beside Cas, landing hard on his knees.

"Cas," he choked out. "Cas! Stay with me, don't you die on me."

"Why didn't you save me?"

"What?" Dean flinched away, startled, and Cas reached up to touch his face. His throat was ripped out, he should be dead, but he was talking to Dean.

"You were supposed to save me, Dean," Cas said again, and Dean choked out a sob. "You did this to me, Dean."

"Dean!"

Dean shot up in bed, sweat and tears indistinguishable against his pale skin. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he grabbed his knife from under his pillow, going for the throat…

"Dean!" Cas gasped, and the knife fell from Dean's shaking hand.

"Cas?" he whispered, his voice cracked and trembling.

"It's just me, Dean," Cas said softly, his features heavy with worry. "You're safe. It was just a dream."

Dean let out a shaky sob and collapsed against Cas's chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cas…"

Cas hushed him and crawled up into Dean's bed, holding the boy to his chest. He rubbed his back gently and whispered calming nothings in his ear. Cas started singing softly and Dean choked out a sob as he recalled something he'd long-since forgotten.

He didn't remember much about his mom. But as soon as Cas started singing- "Hey, Jude… Don't be afraid" -Dean remembered her favorite song and her sweet voice as she sang him to sleep.

Dean cried softly into Cas's shoulder as his shaking fingers curled into Cas's shirt and refused to move. He tried to focus on Cas's low, rough voice, on his heartbeat. Steady, real, alive. Cas was alive. Not another innocent doomed for just having known Dean. He was safe. That thought was enough to calm Dean's violent trembling and eventually he slumped, exhausted, in Cas's arms.

Cas sang to Dean until his voice was barely even a whisper and Dean was asleep in his arms. He didn't dare move and wake him. He was grateful that the other boys were sound sleepers.

He wished he knew what had Dean so scared. It was clearly a nightmare, but it seemed like more than that. Dean was terrified. Cas had never seen anything like it. It was like Dean thought it was real, whatever his nightmare was about. Cas really didn't know what to make of that.

Cas tried not to think about it. He focused on laying Dean down on his pillow. He was about to go back to his own bed when Dean latched onto his hand. Cas wasn't sure if he was even conscious but his grip was desperate and fearful, like he didn't want to lose him. Sighing, Cas grabbed Dean's hand and laid down beside him. Dean was curled up on his side and Cas laid there with his arm draped over Dean's waist. His breath caught in his throat when Dean nestled closer to him, wrapping an arm around Cas and burying his face in his chest.

Cas couldn't move for a few moments. He was having a hard time believing this was actually happening. Dean had barely even looked at him since their kiss, and now he was insisting that they sleep in the same bed. Cas told himself it was just the nightmare.

It was difficult not to hope, though. Especially when Dean only pulled him closer rather than pushing him away.

…

They didn't talk about what happened. Dean felt like he'd completely humiliated himself and scared the shit out of Cas. What else was there to talk about?

He didn't know why Cas had agreed to stay with him all night, holding him and comforting him. Dean had pulled a knife on him. He'd almost hurt him. Why was Cas still being so kind to him?

He tried not to think about what Benny had said at the game. It was insane. Cas wasn't in love with him. Dean just wasn't worth that level of devotion. There had to be another explanation. Maybe Cas felt bad for him. He'd seen the pathetic darkness behind Dean's confident facade and he was taking pity on him. Taking care of him and then turning around and mocking him for being so weak.

Yeah. That made more sense than the idea of Cas being in love with him.

Dean sat alone at lunch. Robin was busy with Homecoming dance preparations and Dean just didn't have the energy to joke around with the boys. He went from lost in thought to high alert, however, when he spotted Gordon leaving the cafeteria. He didn't trust that dick to not blow this whole thing up in Dean's face. He had to make sure he wasn't going to tell anyone. Unfortunately, he knew the best way to do that.

Making sure no one was following him, Dean found Gordon behind the school. As Gordon turned around in surprise, Dean grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. He had a dangerous look in his eyes and a sneer on his face that meant he wasn't messing around. Still, Dean was a little surprised that Gordon actually looked scared.

"You tell anyone?" Dean growled, pressing his arm against Gordon's neck.

Gordon grunted and tried to push Dean away but it became pretty clear that Dean was stronger than him. He'd been holding back before. "No, you crazy freak," he snapped. "You think anyone would believe me?"

Dean huffed out a bitter, dark laugh. Gordon had a point. He pushed away from him and glared at the boy. "Good. You try running your mouth and I swear to god you'll regret it."

Gordon nodded quickly, holding a hand to his throat and running off.

Dean sighed, turning and sliding his back down the wall until he was sitting on the sidewalk. That was one less thing to worry about, at least.

The next thing on his list was figuring out what to do about the dance. It wasn't that he didn't want to go with Robin, but he was afraid that he was giving her the wrong impression. Every chaste kiss was getting more and more forced and he felt like the worst person on the planet.

He decided he would find her after school. They needed to talk, as much as he was dreading it. He didn't even know what he was going to say.

After chemistry lab was over, which was as awkward as ever with Cas sitting next to him, Dean made his way to the gymnasium where he knew Robin would be getting ready for the dance. It was three days away now so Dean was cutting it pretty close.

"Hey, Dean!" she said with a smile as she bounced over to him, pecking his cheek. "What do you think? The theme is Stairway to Heaven. I know it's cliche, but…"

"I like it," Dean said honestly. He looked around at the pure white decorations, the fake staircase which served as the photoshoot backdrop, and the banner reading 'Stairway to Heaven' that hung above the stage. "Do you have a minute?" he asked after a moment of hesitation. She gave him a worried look but nodded, following him outside.

"Is everything okay, Dean?" she asked, and a part of her already knew the answer.

Dean shook his head, running his hands over his face before meeting her eyes. "I… I like you, Robin," he started. "I just… I didn't mean to make you think…"

"Dean," Robin stopped him, smiling sadly. She'd seen this coming. "It's okay."

Dean frowned, looking at her in confusion. "Wait, what? You're not mad or anything? You don't wanna slap me?"

Robin laughed a bit, shaking her head. "No. I knew this wasn't some epic romance. Not starring me, anyways."

"What does that mean?" Dean asked, afraid he already knew the answer.

Robin rolled her eyes. "Dean, you know." When he didn't say anything, she continued. "Cas. I'd have to be blind not to see you staring at him."

Dean tried to deny it, but Robin gave him a knowing look and he just couldn't.

"Look, we can still go to the dance if you want," she went on. "As friends. But you should really try talking to him."

Dean was tired. He had been trying so hard to deny his feelings for Cas, but something about the way Robin was looking at him, so understanding and kind… He just couldn't do it anymore.

"I… I don't know," he whispered, his shoulders sagging as a defeated expression crossed his face. He didn't know why he still couldn't say the words. "He's… Cas, he's different," he tried again, and it still wasn't coming out how he wanted it to. "He kissed me, and… God, I never thought…"

He looked at Robin, suddenly wondering if he shouldn't be saying this to her. But she didn't look hurt or upset. She was actually smiling. Dean swallowed thickly and continued.

"I've never had a kiss like that," he admitted. "I've never… felt like this. I…"

"You love him," Robin finished for him. He grunted and averted his gaze, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I don't wanna lose him," he told her quietly.

They went silent for a few moments, then Robin grabbed his hand and met his gaze. "How 'bout this? You and me, we can go to the dance as friends. And then you're gonna talk to Cas and tell him how you really feel."

"I… don't know…"

"Not up for negotiation," Robin said with finality, grinning at him. He couldn't help but smile back. "I've gotta go help them finish up in there, but I'll see you later, Dean."

He nodded and she ran back inside, and then he was alone with his thoughts again. With a lot more to think about. He couldn't use Robin, hurting her, as an excuse anymore. She actually wanted him to go for it with Cas. That was one he didn't see coming.

He had to ask himself what he really had to lose. Cas was already refusing to talk to him. He'd already ruined their friendship, so what harm would it do to come clean? He didn't have a damn clue what he would even say but at least he had to let Cas know that he cared. He owed him that much. At worst, Cas would keep ignoring him. At best… Well, Dean didn't want to get his hopes up. But the idea made him smile.

Maybe Cas hated him. Maybe he was scared of him, wanted nothing to do with him. Maybe he would tell Dean to fuck off. Maybe he didn't love him.

But on the other hand… Maybe he did.