The Arthurian Special, a merlin fanfic

It was an unusually bright day in Camelot. Not that this was anything to be suspicious of. All it did was make one particular hidden warlock want to get out of the stuffy castle more than ever. But he had work to do. An entire list of it, in fact. Merlin was so busy doing the chores he'd been set, he didn't notice a female figure in a dark cloak slip into the palace. Once in there, she took off her cloak to reveal a plain blue dress, pale skin, blonde hair done in a plait and a Cheshire smile. She walked on, sapphire eyes scrutinizing every inch of the corridor. Suddenly, she sidestepped, leaning on a brick that compressed into the wall, and she fell through the hole that opened up a crack.

Once inside, she got up and dusted herself off. She had created this place the last time she had been here, that time as a Lady. Inside the room there was an array of magical items and ingredients, some of which looked to have been liberated from the vaults. She put on some gloves, and carefully picked up one such item. It was a rectangular box, which was covered in red writing and images of people. The woman placed the box onto a nearby table, and then she grabbed a few more items. Then she chanted something guttural and forign sounding. And then suddenly a bright light enveloped all of Camelot.

An odd looking portal appeared, with scenes from the future flying through it. And in the background, a song played.

"Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians, Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles, Daring Knights, horrors that defy description, Cut-Throat Celts, Awful Egyptians, Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes, punishment from ancient times! Romans: rotten, rank and ruthless, Cavemen: savage, fearsome, toothless, Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages, MEAN AND MEASLY MIDDLE AGES! Gory stories we do that! And your host: a talking rat!" Here the rat popped up and danced for a bit, then disappeared. "The past is no longer a mystery! Welcome to: Horrible Historiiiiiiiiiiiiies!" Here a title card appeared, spelling out 'Horrible Histories' in red writing.

A blue background appeared, with the words 'Atrocious Arthurians' written on it. A disembodied voice read it out. It disappeared to reveal the rat from earlier, holding a cardboard sword, a shield made from a can, and wearing a paper crown that looked like it came out of a Christmas cracker.

"Hello there," he said, brandishing the sword. "Welcome to the Atrocious Arthurians Special, where I'll be staring as King Arthur, and Marcus here as the lovely Queen Guenivere," he joked.. "Ow! I was joking, Marcus!" he then yelped as Marcus, his pet flea, bit him twice. "Quick, get on with it! Ow!"

The scene faded to reveal Arthur, wearing some quite frankly ridiculous clothing from the late 5th century, i.e. a tunic that went down to his knees, belt, some hobnailed boots and a large elaborate crown. He was walking with another man in similar clothing, talking about a war they'd both won very loudly. Then he comically stopped and stared as Gwen, wearing a long embellished overdress, a white underdress, a white head covering and some jewelry, walked into view, followed by several ladies in less regal dress. Arthur stared at her some more, and the other man chuckled.

"My daughter, Lady Guinevere, is quite beautiful, is she not?" he chuckled. Arthur nodded dumbly. The scene changed to show Merlin, still in his neckerchief but now wearing robes and a pointy hat, standing in the middle of a circular room. He looked around, clearly shocked at all the magical items out on display. A clunking noise was heard from outside the door, and the next second Arthur burst in. Merlin gasped.

"I swear, Arthur, I'm not a sorcerer! This stuff isn't mine!" Merlin said quickly. Arthur laughed. "Good one, Merlin. Now, I need your magical advice. I intend to wed the Lady Guinevere of Carleon, but I don't know how."

"You… What?!

Guinevere? Have you been drinking, Arthur?" Merlin asked suspiciously. Arthur stared at him blankly. A piece of parchment appeared in front of Merlin, and he read it aloud.

"'You should marry the one you most love, but Guinevere will not be a good wife, for she will love someone else!' What?"

"Thank you for the advice, Merlin!" Arthur galavanted out of the room.

"What the heck is going on here?"

The scene changed again, back to the rat. "Yes, King Arthur really did have 'love at first sight'. Or, you could call it ;love at first

Hahahahaha!" the rat laughed. No one else did. "Suit yourselves. Another famous female figure from Arthurian times was the Lady of the Lake, who gave Arthur Excalibur."

Freya stood at the shore of the lake of Avalon, in an apron. A little way off, there was a smithee, still smoking. Arthur, still wearing his tunic, crashed through the bushes.

"Oh, Lady of the Lake, my sword was broken and my wizard, Merlin, advised that I go to you for a new one!"

"Yup. I'll have you a new bog iron sword soon enough. Come back in three days time," Freya said, hefting a hammer. Arthur nodded and ran off. The words, 'Three Days Later' came on screen, and Arthur was standing with Freya, who was holding Excalibur.

"I've named it Excalibur," she explained, handing it to Arthur. "Means 'eternal'." The rat popped up holding a sign that said 'True'. Then Freya handed Arthur a dagger. "This is Excaliburn. Means 'temporary'," she said. The dagger's blade fell off, and the rat showed a sign reading 'Silly'. "Never mind."

A title card appeared next. It said 'Stupid Deaths' and had 'Nimueh' written underneath it. Two scythes were placed either side of it, and several images of dead people surrounded the card. It disappeared with the opening bars to a song. A man dressed as a skeleton stood at the end of an aisle with people sitting either side of it. He began prancing down the middle, waving his hands and singing.

"Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths," he sang. Two people, a roman soldier and a woman with horrific burns covering half her face were shown. The woman yawned. Then a woman with ash on her face and a monk were shown, clearly bored. "They're funny 'cause they're true! Wooo!" Then a man with an arrow in his eye appeared. A date card attached to his chest read '1066'. The dancing man reappeared. "Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths, Hope next time it's not you," Here he came right up too the screen and pointed at it. "Hehe!" A scythe swiped away the man, revealing him sitting at a judging panel with two skeletons with wigs on.

"Yes, I have heard that it's the Arthurian special today," he whispered to the blond skeleton. "So many stupid deaths to choose from! I wonder who it is. Next!" he shouted, and Nimueh, with a card reading '578' on her belt, entered the room. Her hair was comically frazzled and she was smoking slightly. "And who are you?" Death asked.

"I am Nimueh, High Priestess of the Old Religion," Nimueh announced, drawing herself up proudly.

"As opposed to one of the New Religion?" Death asked. Nimueh glared at him.

"Yes! Those people are heathens, coming and…"

"I'm going to stop you there," Death said, cutting Nimueh off. "We're here to hear about your death! So go on, explain what happened!"

"So, I'd made a deal with Merlin for King Arthur's life. He was dying, see, because he'd been bitten by a Questing Beast, this creature whose bite was always fatal, so Merlin offered his life in return. But I couldn't take Magic Incarnate's life, so I decided to kill his mother instead. Merlin didn't much like this, so he tried to offer up his life again, but his mentor, an old man named Gaius, got there first and offered his life. I took it, and then Merlin showed up, and he was really angry. I, stupidly, tried to convince him to join me, but it didn't work so I shot a fireball at him."

"That escalated quickly," Death commented.

"Yeah, well, I was angry. I thought I'd killed him. I turned around, and it turned out I hadn't properly killed him. He struck me with lightning from the Old Religion and I died," Nimueh admitted. Death stared at her or a moment, and then burst out laughing.

"You…" he wheezed. "You got killed by your own magic? Hahahahahaha!" Death continued laughing. Nimueh frowned and glared at Death.

"Can I leave now?" she asked irritably.

"Keep your hair on, I need to confer with the judges," Death said, then turned to the brunette skeleton. "Yes,it was quite funny, wasn't it?" He turned to the blonde one. "Oh shut up, Louis!" Death turned back to Nimueh. "That's two yeses, you're through to the afterlife!" Death exclaimed, then made a shooing motion. "Off you pop. Get it? 'Cause electricity pops and she was hit by a lightning bolt. Honestly, I'm wasted here," Death moaned as Nimueh disappeared through two ovecrossing sparkly scythes. The scene returned to the theme at the beginning. "Stupid Deaths, Stupid Deaths, Hope next time it's not you," Death sang. The scene faded to return to the rat.

"Nimueh really did die like that. But she wasn't the only sorceress Merlin fought. In fact, the most famous was a woman named Morgana Pendragon, King Arthur's own half sister!"

The scene changed to show Morgana looking more bog-woman than ever. She was hovering over a cauldron full of bubbling stuff and muttering. The door flew open to reveal Merlin.

"Morgana!" he shouted. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, Merlin, my archenemy. What do you want?" Morgana asked, her voice scratchy like she had a cold.

"Are you ill?"

"No!"

"Then why do you sound like you have a cold?"

"Because I'm evil!" Morgana threw open her arms and green smoke bellowed out of the cauldron. She started coughing, and Merlin left. "I'll get you, Merlin, if it's the last thing I do!"

The rat returned. "Merlin wasn't the only fighter that King Arthur had. He had his Knights of the Round Table, a group of men entirely dedicated to protecting Camelot."

The rat fades to reveal a field. Elyan popped up, singing.

"I'm a knight."

Then Leon. "I'm a knight."

Then Gwaine, who fell over. "And I'm a knight," he slurred.

"And our only aim in life is to fight," they sang in chorus.

"Evil sorcerers," Gwaine added on.

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a knight!"

"We fight by day," Leon said.

"And when it's not so bright," Gwaine added.

"We're not so bright," the other two said.

"Speak for yourselves," Gwaine scoffed. "Why are we singing, anyway?" The other two ignored him. The scene changed to a forest with Lancelot standing, holding his sword. He made jabbing motions with it while he sang.

"We like to beat and chop and stab our wicked enemies," Lancelot sang loudly. "But all the time we try to stick to rules of chivalry," he added.

"What rules?" Gwaine shouted from somewhere out of view.

"Rule one: We have to do brave deeds for some great lady fair," Lancelot explained.

"I'd write poems," Leon said.

"I would joust," Elyan added.

"Well I would fight a bear," Percival boasted.

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a drunk," sang Gwaine, then took a swig of drink. "And my only aim is to drink," he continued.

"I'm a knight,"

"And I think I'm a knight,"

"We charge ahead, but never left or right," Percival added.

"We're never right," they all sang in harmony.

"Rule Two: We have to practice in the noble art of war," continued Lancelot. "Battle for our king and country; that's what knights are for!"

"And if there is no war to fight?" Gwaine asked.

"Well, hunting, we will go!" shouted Elyan. "We hunt for deer and rabbits, too, so long as they are slow! Otherwise, we can't catch them," he added.

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a knight,"

"And our only aim in life is to fight,"

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a knight,"

"We are fighters," Elyan added.

"And our armour's always tight," Percival said.

"And these swords aren't light!" they all sang, then toppled over.

"Rule Three: In war, we aim to capture other knights alive," Lancelot said from the floor. "Their families pay us lots of dosh so long as they survive!"

"We act like gentlemen and only fight with other gents," Gwaine said, trying to sound posh.

"A real knight, he would never fight against peasants!" Elyan added.

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a knight,"

"And our only aim in life is to fight,"

"I'm a knight,"

"And I'm a knight,"

"When we ride to war we're such a splendid sight," Gwaine said, flicking his hair out of his face.

"We are a sight," the others agreed.

The scene returned to the rat.

"It's true. That is all one hundred percent accu-rat!" he said. "It was hard, being a knight, what with all the fighting. Yar!" he shouted, brandishing his cardboard sword.

"Yes, knight's weren't as glamorous as they are portrayed. Speaking of that…" The scene faded to show Merin standing in the middle of a field, dressed in his usual clothes.

"Everyone thinks they know the story of Merlin's magical glory, but my past is far more gory," Merlin sang, seemingly against his will. Will played the drums in the background. "I was no saint." Merlin was now dancing too, looking thoroughly annoyed. "You think life is one big antic, my profession was romantic - hate to be pedantic, but it ain't." Hunith shredded a guitar behind him. "As a child down in Ealdor, I was taught to hide. Had a fear of Uther deep in me, lived a harsh and dangerous life. The notorious knights of Camelot came and tried to kill my father. He ran and we thought he was dead until years later. I had to hide my magic - with it I'd been born. But when Old Man Simmons caught me I had to leave or I'd be scorned!" Merlin sang. He was quite a good singer. "I became a manservant to King Arthur - then a prince. Appointed by King Uther who had no idea I was magic." Merlin took a breath. "The truth is I was a liar, hid my magic in plain sight. I never told Arthur but I certainly saved his life. I killed many eil sorcerers who tried to kill the king, and then when Uther was nearly dead I accidentally killed him! The legend that surrounds me misses out several parts: I wasn't old and didn't age backwards for a start. Was a hidden warlock. I lied and cheated death. When you hear how our story ends you might have to take a breath," Merlin sang, dreading the next part. For him, the story hadn't ended yet, but whatever was controlling him must know the end. "I ran away from the fighting to try and stop Morgana, but I was tricked and had my magic stolen by a creature. I went to the crystal caves and got trapped in there. I got out soon enough, but here's the twist of fate. I didn't get out fast enough, and Arthur got stabbed. I told him I had magic just before he died! Was a powerful wizard but I couldn't bring back the dead. Not even Killgaragh could do that, he said. No more protecting Arthur but I had to wait for him instead. As he was the Once and Future King, he would come back from the dead," Merlin finished. He couldn't remember that last part of the song, though.

The image was suddenly replaced with a picture frame containing small clips of people from the future, and a list of jobs and names. In the background, there was a song.

"Tall Tales, Atrocious Acts, We gave you all the fearsome facts, The ugly truth, No glam or glitz, WE SHOWED YOU ALL THE JUICY BITS! Gory, gastly, mean and cruel! Stuff they don't teach you at school! The past is no longer a mystery; we hope you enjoyed Horrible Historiiiiiiiiies!" Then three logos appeared, disappeared, and the image turned black.

Merlin woke up on the floor of Arthur's bedchambers, his hand holding a cleaning cloth and a bucket next to him. He stood up determinedly, and stalked out, leaving the floor half sopping wet and half muddy.

Merlin had searched the entire castle, but had found no sign of a sorcerer. Giving up, he lent against the wall. The brick under his shoulder compressed and he fell sideways.

Looking around, Merlin saw that he was in some kind of secret room. However, what caught his attention was the person standing in the room, laughing.

"That was brilliant, don't you think, Merlin?" she asked, smiling her Cheshire grin. Merlin glared at her.

"No. That was humiliating and inaccurate, except for the bit with Nimueh and that song you made me sing. Gwen was never a Lady, or the daughter of another kingdom's ruler! She was a servant! Like me! And magic is banned! If Arthur remembers that… Oh, goddess, if Arthur remembers…" Merlin ranted.

"He won't. Well, he will, but he'll think it's a dream,"

"Who even are you?"

"You can call me… Uh… Gabriel. Yeah," Gabriel laughed. "That's a good one,"

"What are you doing here? Wait, why do I even bother asking? You're obviously here to kill Arthur to get revenge on Uther," Merlin said, his eyes beginning to glow gold.

"What?" Gabriel asked, shocked. "No! Of course I'm not here to kill Arthur! I've never succeed anyway, not with Magic watching over him."

"Then why are you here?" Merlin asked, suspicious. Only one person had called him 'Magic' before. Most went with 'Emrys' or 'boy'.

"I… IwantedtoputyouallinaHorribleHistoriesepisode," Gabriel said very quickly. "Anyway, I must be going now. Lots to see! All of time and space, in fact," she smirked slightly at that last part, then disappeared into a large blue box that Merlin hadn't noticed. "Oh! Yeah, I almost forgot!" Gabriel said, poking her head out the door. "Catch!" She threw him a small golden crystal. "Hold this when you 'lose'-" she made finger quotes. "- your magic. Don't go to the crystal caves. Bye!" She returned to the depths of the box. It made a wheezing, groaning sound, and faded in and out of existence, eventually going completely. Merlin wandered out of the room in a slight daze. Gabriel was obviously a sorceress, but one that didn't want to kill Arthur? And what was an 'episode'? And what kind of a name was Gabriel, anyway?