Day 28
"Happy almost-month of Quarantine." Cosima greets Delphine at her apartment door with a small pull-cart of groceries. "I bought you toilet paper."
"My hero!" Delphine jests, stepping back and allowing Cosima to enter her apartment.
"Seriously. I have just braved Loblaws for this. And Canadian Tire." Cosima grimaces.
"I know… We should swap who has to go shopping." Delphine offers again.
"We are ordering most of it online. What we can." Cosima brushes her off. "I don't mind doing it."
"Did you get the tofu?" Delphine asks. "The frozen vegetables?"
"Yup. No frozen vegetables or dried beans though. Still." Cosima sighs. "Hopefully we get some on the online order."
"We can make do." Delphine assures her. "I am going to make a big batch of soup and freeze it again. Make our vegetables last just in case."
"It is a good idea. Especially with winter hanging on by its teeth here." Cosima agrees. "I'll peel and chop?"
"You make an excellent sous-chef!" Delphine grins.
"So… want to play a game?" Cosima asks as she's peeling a few potatoes.
"What kind of game?" Delphine gets out her largest pot and puts it onto her stove.
"Think of as many words as you can that are synonyms for another word." Cosima suggests, thinking she may have found something that will suit them both.
"Can I use French words?" Delphine asks, tongue in her teeth.
"That's kind of cheating. Cause, we've established my French is only so-so."
"I'll take that as a maybe." Delphine smiles. "Is slang allowed?"
"Fine." Cosima concurs. She'll allow that.
"So what's our first word?"
"Discombobulate." Cosima answers without hesitation. "And go!"
Delphine hesitates a moment. "Confuse. Bewilder. Confound. Fluster. Perplex. Puzzle. Embrouiller. Déboussoler."
"That's eight… more?" Cosima decides to give Delphine the benefit of the doubt when it comes to French words. It's really not fair though.
"Non." Delphine thinks, trying to come up with more words. "Mess up. Mix up. Screw up."
"Technically all phrases, but I'll allow it." Cosima grins. She's the one who is discombobulated here. Not Delphine. But in Delphine's presence. She had been hoping it would just be a physical attraction, one she could quash down and easily get over. Unfortunately, Delphine was appealing on multiple levels.
"But languages evolve. Look at France French vs Quebecois! Look how different it can be speaking the same language!" Delphine argues. "They're stuck in the 1600s! It's like a time lapse and they have weird words. I understand but sometimes it's not like we're speaking the same language. It's like an odd dialect."
"Because they call blueberries bleuets ?" Cosima jokes. They'd had this discussion over a large bag of frozen blueberries not long ago.
"Perhaps."'Delphine concedes. "I am not being a conceited parisienne!" She's quick to defend herself.
"Languages change and evolve, and they did evolve separately. After the 1600s." Cosima offers. "I mean English is constantly evolving too, and not always for the better. I get angry at the new dictionary words for no reason."
"YOLO?" Delphine quips teasingly.
"Carpe Diem for the illiterate." Cosima responds with a smirk.
Delphine laughs at her. "So you'll only seize the day in Latin, but I'm the snob?"
"You grew up in Paris and went to an all girls boarding school!" Cosima teases, it's too easy.
"Yes. I did." Delphine agrees. "And you keep bringing it up!"
"I used to have fantasies about being at an all girls school." Cosima smirks. She doubts Delphine shares that but maybe there was some youthful experimentation. Maybe Delphine isn't as straight as she claims, or that she wasn't always. The idea pleases Cosima at any rate. Even if it's 100% fantasy.
"Yes, well I'm sure you would have enjoyed it more than I did." Delphine laughs. At least that much had gone over well.
"When did you lose your virginity?" Cosima asks on a whim.
Delphine jumps slightly, startled. "What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"I'll tell you. I was 17 and with my second ever girlfriend Amanda." Cosima smiles. "Up in her childhood bedroom."
Delphine seems briefly scandalized. "Cosima!"
"Come on, tell me!" Cosima probes. No doubt there have been plenty of men, plenty of interest. "Were you like super young or something? You don't have to be embarrassed."
"Cosima…" Delphine sighs bringing a hand to her head. "I was 20, and already in university. Most of the way through my first degree."
"That's not what I expected." Cosima tries not to feel awkward about this revelation. Why so late? And why … why did she want to judge it? Surely there wasn't anything objectively wrong with a later sexual debut. She certainly shouldn't try to infer anything optimistic from it.
"Non? Why? You'd assume I was 13 and desperate for sex because I'm French?" Delphine tosses back.
"No, just… there must have been a lot of guys around." Cosima shrugs.
"Not at all girls boarding school." Delphine quips. "And in university, I was busy with other things and then I realized it was getting strange that I hadn't. So I did."
"You had sex because you didn't want to be considered weird?" Cosima's briefly stunned. She'd been expecting a youthful love story. Something that would reaffirm Delphine's stated heterosexuality. Instead, Cosima finds herself wondering what Delphine actually desires.
"It was weird." Delphine tells her. "I was honestly more interested in psychology and language and biology than I was in sex. It took awhile for me to get used to it. Then it was a few relationships, lovers, and one very awkward one night stand we are not going to discuss in detail."
"But… you weren't super into it?" Cosima wonders aloud. Her undergraduate minor in sexuality, marriage and family studies briefly coming back to haunt her. She shouldn't wonder, she should just accept it. Face value, it would be easier. Especially as Toronto's shutdown looked like it would drag on for months to come.
"I got into it." Delphine responds defensively. "I enjoyed it."
"OK." Cosima throws up her hands in mock-defeat. It cannot be safe to continue this particular line of questioning with Delphine. Delphine who may not crave sex at all. Cosima frowns briefly, maybe that's enough to dim her own longing.
"Do you want to take a walk with me?" Delphine asks, changing the subject. "I haven't been outside in days and I could use the exercise."
"Alright." Cosima nods. "I'll get my coat."
They wander together down the street, not touching and Cosima looks over at Delphine, who is gesturing her way through a story from her master's degree, glowing and beautiful in the sunlight.
"I emailed a few colleagues of mine." Delphine offers.
"Oh?"
"I mentioned I knew an excellent PhD student wanting to look at post-brain injury language. And I gave them your email. You might hear back from a few of them. One I think will definitely email you."
"You did?"
"Yes. Some speech language pathologists like me. Some occupational therapists." Delphine shakes her head. "It's nothing, I just wanted to help you."
"Thank you. I really mean it Delphine. Access to other humans is huge right now. For… anything. I will definitely thank you in my acknowledgements section now… you can read what I have got whenever."
"You're very welcome." Delphine says softly. Delphine lets her fingers brush her own and it feels so right, Cosima sighs, thinking to herself. How can this feel so right already?
Day 34
She gets bored enough she starts cleaning out her closet. And when she stumbles on the small box labelled 'drag', an idea quickly flits into her mind. Cosima giggles, taking out her old drag get up. She hasn't used it in at least seven years, but it should still fit. She theorizes. The dreads she'll just have to pull back, make the best of them. She doesn't think the wig cap will work as well now. But the rest of it. Cosima laughs as she finds her old rodeoh harness. She might as well go all the way, if she's going to introduce Delphine to Cosmo.
The binder fits, but she finds she has forgotten how it feels, the button up shirt needs a quick steam. Cosima ruffles through the box, a soft thud on her carpet reminds her something else had ended up in this box. "Well that's old and probably needs sanitizing." Cosima grimaces, giving the dildo a quick wash before using it to pack. It's not like she has another one just sitting around the apartment. And, it'll add to the overall effect.
Satisfied that she has transformed sufficiently, Cosima quickly leaves her apartment and scuffles over to Delphine's. The neighbour in 302 looks at her, and rolls his eyes. Maybe he wasn't as bored as she was during the pandemic. And he certainly didn't have a Delphine to… play with? Impress. Cosima isn't quite sure. Either way she knocks, hoping Delphine is done work for the morning.
"Cosima?!" Delphine opens the door and lets her in, but seems stunned. "Why? Why are you dressed like that? What's on your face?"
"I'm just… in drag." Cosima explains, gesturing down her body. The tie, the vest, the button-up shirt and loose dress pants. It's the look she remembers. The altered silhouette does seem to catch Delphine's attention.
"Do you do this a lot?" Delphine asks carefully.
"Uh three times ever actually. Not counting today." Cosima grimaces. "I just thought you'd get a kick out of it."
"Why?"
"I was organizing my closets and I found my old drag stuff from when I did my undergrad amateur nights. I thought it'd be fun to see Cosmo again." Cosima drops her voice. She purposely leaves out the rest of her character's name. She isn't sure she even wants to say that to Delphine. She was never a great performer but it had always been fun.
"Cosmo?" Delphine repeats uncertainly.
"Umm my drag character? it's performance art, essentially. Really, really queer performance art."
"Show me." Delphine invites, sitting on her couch. Curiosity getting the best of her, it seems.
"See something you like?" Cosima drops her voice and grabs her phone long enough to set on a slow song with a hard beat.
"Oh I do like the ladies… can't resist 'em." Cosima continues her act. Her body language changes, she wants to stick to the act but she also recalls she usually pre-arranged making out with a 'random' audience member..
She passes on that part and decides to shift the act instead. "Wanna dance, baby?" She asks instead of leaning in to tease Delphine.
"Alright." Delphine stands up, seemingly good with audience participation. Or at least amused enough to wonder what she'll do next.
"I get a lot of tail… Because Big Cosmo doesn't leave the dames wanting." The silly voice makes Delphine giggle but at least she's entertained, Cosima figures. It's something novel to do.
She pulls Delphine in, hand pressed firmly in the small of her back. "But you… oh I might keep you a while." Her voice is low, it's very close to her old 'Cosmo' act but she's sexed it up a little. Made him more of a romancer than a just a player, and it fits. The old school mob boss voice she tries to keep. But she never won the amateur contest. She's not a great actor. Delphine is desperately trying not to laugh and she can tell.
She begins to dance with Delphine, one hand clasping hers, the other going to her hip, easing herself in closer. "See something you like?"
Delphine giggles but then her eyes widen sharply. "What is that?" Delphine looks down at her in shock as they dance.
Cosima immediately breaks character. "I'm packing! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to like scare you." She certainly doesn't want Delphine to think she's packing to attempt seduction .
"Packing?" Delphine repeats mystified.
"I'm wearing a dildo with the harness slightly pulled down and it's tied to my leg." Cosima blurts out in one sentence. "I don't have a packer, so it's just to make it look like I have a dick, for the act. Seriously. I wasn't wearing it to use." Cosima briefly berates herself for not just tossing a rolled up sock into her underwear. It would definitely have been less intimidating.
"Oh." Delphine relaxes a little, though Cosima is fairly certain she doesn't know the difference between a packer and a dildo. "Why?"
"No even a little exciting?" Cosima jokes. Might as well go for broke if she's messed up this badly.
"Cosima…" Delphine sighs in exasperation, pulling back slightly.
"I really like you, Delphine. And it's totally ok that you just want to be friends but…" Cosima trails off wondering if there's a politically correct and not at all pushy way to say this. She probably shouldn't say it while fucking packing for starters.
"Can I see?" Delphine asks unexpectedly, interrupting her tirade. Maybe just to put an end to it.
"See what?" Cosima asks blearily. She better get home before this turns into a total disaster. Maybe in a day or two when this blows over she'll be able to sit around and chat with Delphine again. Or maybe they should just stick to smoking up and eating meals together for a while.
"See what packing looks like." Delphine clarifies. "I'd never really heard of it."
Now she's the embarrassed one. "Um it's like an underwear style harness and to pack it's pulled down. I'm kind of exposed under here." Cosima gestures between her legs.
"Can I see?" Delphine repeats, one hand against the bulge of the dildo. It's too much, way too much Cosima thinks. Delphine definitely seems interested, if only in a bi-curious sort of way. Either way, this toy cannot be used. It's sat in her drag box for years and has definitely been in someone else. Maybe more than one someone, Cosima tries to remember but as she recalls after her drag shows she usually ended up having sex with someone. Usually a very aroused freshman who found her act, following the reveal of her real self intensely attractive. At least temporarily. It wore off within a few weeks when they realized it was nowhere near her real style.
"Alright." This isn't good for her sexual fantasies but Cosima unfastens her pants. She drops them, letting Delphine see the pulled down rodeoh harness, the partially exposed thatch of wiry dark hair, the flesh coloured dildo and the cut up red scarf.
"Oh." Delphine says simply, sitting back onto her couch. Cosima pulls up her pants, fastening them shut again.
"Curiosity sated?" Cosima asks, trying to be calm. It's not like Delphine had seen much. She didn't seem aroused at any rate.
"For now." Delphine admits. "I am sorry, I didn't realize what you meant by exposed."
"It's ok. It's just like, pubic hair." Cosima brushes it off. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just a body.
"What did you do after your drag shows? Did you take all that off?"
"Usually." Cosima answers. Sometimes not alone. She definitely should have had a drink before doing this. Why had she neglected to drink? That was definitely supposed to be part of this.
"I'll get you some makeup remover." Delphine grins, headed for her ensuite bathroom. "I want to watch you become Cosima again."
"That involves undressing!" Cosima shouts after her. "Like me naked in your apartment undressing!" But Delphine doesn't react.
"I don't understand why someone would want to make it look like a woman has a dick." Delphine calls from the other room.
"Well… it's drag." Cosima shouts back. "They know I'm really a woman."
"But it's not attractive." Delphine presents her with a cloth and begins cleaning the false stubble off her face. "What...what did you do to your eyebrows? And your breasts?"
Cosima shakes her head. "I guess Cosmo doesn't do it for you then."
"Non. He doesn't. I really like Cosima though." Delphine offers with a smile. "I'd rather like her back now."
"Even though you know I…?" Cosima unbuttons her blouse, the white undershirt still on top of the binder.
"That you like me? That's...that's flattering." Delphine uses the same word as before. "Honestly, if I were younger…" Delphine lets herself trail off.
"If you were younger, what?" Cosima tilts her head, she unbuttons her pants but leaves them on, reaching only to remove the dildo. She lets it fall into the loose fabric rather than remove it upwards. The last thing she wants to do now is start waving that around.
"It'd be different." Delphine responds with a small smile. "But I'm 31. Does that hurt?" Delphine points at the binder pinning her breasts down.
"No? Not really. I only ever bound for a couple hours at a time. Apparently it can get uncomfortable but that's more of a trans experience thing than drag. I just hurt myself with tape the first time and listened to the pros after that." Cosima goes to remove the undershirt but leaves the flesh toned binder on. Too old? What the heck was Delphine on about?
"I'll get you some clothes." Delphine offers as she finishes removing the makeup in her eyebrows.
"I'm naked under this." Cosima warns before removing the binder anyway. Delphine throws a blue t-shirt at her and she quickly slips it on. Delphine doesn't look at her like Cosima hoped she would. The disappointment briefly stings as Cosima shifts, allowing the dildo to fall to the floor before covering it with her vest.
"Why did you really come over here in drag?" Delphine asks, sitting and patting the couch.
"Umm."
"Were you trying to seduce me? Was it a psychological experiment to test my reaction? Was it to make me laugh?"
"I'd have been happy with just laughter. I really wanted to see how you reacted actually. I think the pandemic has me extra bored. I wanted to see your face when you saw me." Cosima shrugs. "I thought maybe seeing me as Cosmo might… might shift things a little. Even if only for a few minutes. I'm not a great drag king. I kind of suck actually."
"I don't want you to be a man, Cosima. I just want you to be you. You're wonderful when you're you."
She feels heat rise in her cheeks. "So, do you want to experiment?" That seems to be the way this is going, Cosima finds herself acknowledging. Might as well put it all out in the open.
"I told you, I'm too old!" Delphine shakes her head.
"And I'm 28. So what?" Cosima offers. Maybe it wasn't the best idea, but maybe it was better than just staring at each other for prolonged periods. Or knowing how Delphine often watched her instead of whatever movie they opted to watch together.
"I cannot start this all over." Delphine explains. "It was hard enough the first time."
"But nothing will get hard with me." Cosima quips, unable to behave herself. It's a terrible pun. Overtly sexual too, but she cannot help it.
Delphine gasps. "Cosima!"
"What? You're as familiar with physiological signs of arousal as I am. I assure you, no part of 'Cosmo' will be joining us."
"You're the only person I see. We are one household for the duration, remember?" Delphine tells her kindly instead. "I think that's a pretty big risk to take."
"You're right. You're right." Cosima nods. "Shall I make you dinner to make this mess up to you?"
"Take 'Cosmo' home and come back. I have a one-pan ratatouille ready to go into the oven and I was going to make some spaghetti to go with it for our lunch."
Cosima groans. "That sounds amazing."
"It will be." Delphine tells her confidently.
"J'ai hâte!" Cosima responds with the appropriate French this time, and is met with a real smile. Though, she admits to herself as she gathers her drag gear and plunks it all back into the box, minus the dildo which is destined for the garbage, ' excitée ' is fairly accurate as well.