Chapter 11 - Unfinished Business
Harm was happy, ecstatic, thrilled, exhilarated. He honestly couldn't find any more adjectives to describe how delightfully content he was. They'd only been seeing each other for a few weeks and yet being with Mac breathed a life into him he didn't know he was missing.
Jordan had asked once "What's she like?" in regards to Mac. Well, he had a better answer now: lovely. Mac was lovely.
All of the complications that he thought they would have, the ones that stopped him from going after her sooner seemed to dissolve. Things were simple and they were good together. Yes, they were keeping the fledgling relationship to themselves, enjoying the anonymity, the secret dates outside of the city. All of that was fun, and he rather enjoyed keeping Mac to himself.
Which is why it was odd that he spent half of the morning looking for her. She had stayed over at his place and left quite a bit earlier to avoid suspicion. He saw her once during morning muster and then when he made to take her a late morning cup of coffee she wasn't in her office. Mac also wasn't in the library, or conference room and he knew that she was not in court.
Something told him to venture outside and on the patio he found her seated at a table her hands wrapped around a paper cup. So lost she was in thought the Mac didn't even notice he was watching her from the steps which led to the open area. Harm knew she was on the brink of tears. She bit her lower lip and sighed heavily and that was when Mac found him watching.
"Hey." He offered a soft smile and took the liberty of stepping up to her expecting a smile in return.
Instead she waved him off dismissing him. "Not now, Harm. I'm not good company."
Her tone was positively icy and Harm went through a myriad of emotions in the span of a couple quick seconds. Most of all he thought back to the last couple of weeks and even that morning to figure it out if he'd done something wrong. "Okay."
Dejected he made an about-face, went halfway down the stairs and then stopped. Something was wrong, that was perfectly evident by her posture and the normal Marine stoicism had been practically erased. If she was hurting he was going to get to the bottom of it and bash into pieces the person that made her feel that way. "How about now?"
He took a seat across from her and she stared at him with a cool indignation. Her lips pursed and she was about to berate him for crowding in on her space when she saw that concern look on his eyes. "Harm…Don't."
"I'm not doing anything but I'm not gonna walk away from you when I realize you're hurting."
Mac didn't know how to start or how to explain the war of emotions within her. She was sad because it was a very sad matter. She was happy because her tormentor was finally going to meet his maker. Little Sarah could finally rest and maybe now the memories of a little girl cowering in a closet while her father beat her mother would stop. "My father is dying."
"I'm sorry." Harm said automatically and then paused for a moment. She hadn't gotten into all the details but from what he knew, Mac's father was a bastard - an alcoholic that would habitually abuse his wife and had caused so much turmoil for his daughter that it led her to the bottle as well. Seeing her so distraught was a conundrum. In his opinion, from what little Mac had told him, Joe Mackenzie didn't deserve even one tear from his daughter.
"I'm confused, you told me once that he would drink a lot."
"Often."
"You also told me he would abuse your mother."
His tone irritated her although I wasn't accusing, she took it as such. "Just as often." Mac stood then the force almost toppling over this chair she was sitting on she took several steps away from him turning in the opposite direction so that he was facing her back. "I don't need you passing judgment."
"I'm not. I'm just trying to understand what has you so upset."
Mac chuckled bitterly. "I'm wondering the same thing." Angrily she brushed away the tear that finally fell. "He's my father." She said simply as if that were reason enough for the things that she felt. "He's at a hospice in California asking for me and I don't know what to do."
"Are you still angry at him?"
"No!" She turned to him then and saw Harm calmly staring at her. Damnit, Mac hated feeling so off kilter especially now when he was just trying to fix things. "I'm not angry because I don't think about him. He doesn't exist, isn't part of my life. I decided to cut him out of it years ago!"
"Then why are you so upset?"
"I dont know!"
Her tone caught him off guard. If anything, Mac was usually better at controlling her emotions than he was. Harm wore them on his sleeve like a badge of sorts. "You know I've been thinking a lot about unfinished business."
"Don't make it about your father, Harm this isn't the same."
"No. I'm talking about something altogether different. Why is it that we think that it's okay to bury things and pretend they don't matter? Your father has been an influence on you Mac whether you like it or not."
"Harm…"
"Think about it; you joined the Marine Corps... You're an alcoholic...You…"
"My father has nothing to do with me becoming a Marine and I'll take responsibility for my drinking problem thank you very much!"
Harm stood but kept his distance despite the want to pull her into his arms and never let go. He hated picking her apart this way but, she had to know. Like he did, she needed to put that past to rest. "Then what about your past relationships with men?"
"What about them?" And was he putting himself into the mix or projecting the inevitable?
"Mac you've been hurting more than you know you just learned how to bury it well. Too well. Let me help."
"Harm. Stop badgering me. You of all people should understand!"
"I do…Which is why I think you need to go down there look him in the eye and tell him what you feel."
Mac knew he was right, the fact that she already had Tiner book a flight was a testament to that. It still didn't make it any easier. "And if I don't go? Then what?"
"Then you're going to carry him with you for the rest of your life. Every time you put on that uniform you'll think of him. Every tray of Martini that passes will smell like him… and…" He sighed hoping they could survive her insecurities. "Even me, us… I know this is new… I know that we're still settling into something… But every time I've told you I have feelings for you I see it in your eyes, you don't believe me."
Because he hadn't told her that he loved her. Not that she expected the words to come easily from him. They hadn't been together long and for that matter, Mac hadn't told him either. It scared her to give too much of herself. It scared her to not be enough for him. "I know you do...I just. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. I'm terrified you will too."
"Oh Mac." Although they were in uniform he pulled her into his arms and held on tight. She resisted at first, complained that they would be seen but he commented they were friends. "Friends comfort friends don't they? And there's no one out here anyway."
Harm breathed a sigh of relief when she surrendered in his embrace, her head resting on his chest as the tears consumed her. God he wanted to take this pain away so badly. He would even be willing to saddle himself with some of it just to see her happy again.
"No more death. It's not worth the anguish."
"Do you want me to go with you?"
"No. I think I need to do this on my own."
"I really wish you wouldn't." He tipped her cover back and pressed kiss on her head.
Those darn butterflies fluttered inside her tummy once again. Mac adored this side of him, the one that couldn't seem to let wrongdoings go and would do anything to protect her. She'd seen more of this man in the last couple weeks and though Harm hadn't told her that he loved her, moments like this made it easier to believe he could. "I have to."
"When do you leave?" He knew her too damn well, she probably already had a flight booked.
"Flight leaves in two hours...I should be back tomorrow."
That made him hold her tighter. "Call me if you need me, no matter the hour. In fact, call me when you're about to board. Call me when you get there. Just call me."
Mac pulled away and looked up at him. "I will." She brushed away more tears, straightened her spine and walked away from him without looking back.
Harm sighed. He should have told her that he loved her.
He should have told her many other things like his appointment to the eye doctor that he wished she'd joined him for. And that was why he had been looking for Mac in the first place. Harm needed the moral support, someone who understood what getting his vision back could mean. The information that he dug up that perhaps his night blindness was something altogether different was frightening.
He wanted Mac there in case something went wrong. He also wanted her there that night when he stepped out of the building to the waning sunlight and found that he could see again.
It was such a simple procedure, done that same day but he was able to use his eyes better than ever.
Overwhelmed with emotions he found a bench to rest on and just waited long past the dusk as a darkness enveloped him. Eyes that once couldn't adjust to the darkness now did without those odd halos around all the lights. His vision was clear and it was crisp, better than 20/20.
His hand came up to his chest where he pressed his palm against the gold wings that he fought so hard to keep. Ever since his reinstatement he never quite felt whole because the moment the sun began to set his vision would fail to the point that he even misjudged a landing on Sarah. Now he had some hope although he knew it would come with many hurdles - first of which was the woman he fell in love with.
Mac would take his want to rejoin a squadron as a blow. And considering how new their relationship was, he didn't want to cause either of them unnecessary stress. She had guessed his intentions and seemed displeased, hurt that he would leave JAG and her. "Please let me make the right decision." He said with his head tilted up to the heavens.
The ringing phone in his breast pocket startled him. When he pulled it out he saw Mac's number and didn't immediately answer. "Shit." He felt like he betrayed her somehow and when he finally did pick up Harm decided not to tell her about this newfound eyesight. "Hello."
"He's dead." Although her voice was calm he could hear the fragility in her tone. She tried to masks the tears but her sniffling gave Mac away.
"I'm sorry, Mac. When are you coming home?" He wanted to be there for her, to comfort her. Harm wanted to hold her if she would let him. She sighed and his heart ached at how heavy it sounded. Damnit, he should have insisted on going with her or just gone anyway. Why didn't he? Suddenly his eyesight didn't matter anymore.
"I'm...I'm not sure...I spoke to the Admiral. I'm going to take a couple extra days just to make sure he has a proper burial. I need to. Deserve it or not he is my father...was my father...I can't abandon him like I did back then."
Mac was crying again, he could hear it this time, the sobs and gulps for air. Something more had happened, he knew it. Damnit, why wasn't he there? Why did she have to do everything alone? "Sarah, are you okay?"
"No...And please don't call me that. Sarah died in a car accident when she was eighteen.. I gotta go Harm."
"No...Mac wait...Where are you exactly?"
Silence. "Harm, please understand, I need to do this alone. I'm sorry...I...I'm sorry." And then she hung up.
"No." Harm wanted to grab the phone and chuck it. He hated this closed off side of her but then again she probably hated his just as much. Each time he tried calling her back it went to voicemail and so he made a decision and put it in another phone call. "Tiner? I know you booked major McKenzie's flight. Where exactly was she going?" Once there, he would figure out the rest.