Chapter 12 - Lady

No more death. Mac thought while her father's casket was brought to the tiny cemetery adjacent to the hospice. She was weary of people dying around her and wondered if this was some sort of cosmic curse.

Today was surprising because never in a million years did she expect Joe MacKenzie's death to hurt this much. She felt gutted, like the vestiages if her past life had been scrambled and tossed into the wind. Unconsciously, her arms wrapped around herself to ward off a bone chilling cold although the temperature was pleasant.

There was a reason she never changed out of uniform; it was her armor. Dressed as a Marine officer she was invincible; bullet proof. It was a fallacy of course but one that had carried her forward. Today the Marine had dropped a peg, reduced back to that little girl who needed the tender loving care of her mother. Mac felt abandoned yet again.

How many times had Mac prayed and wished to find Deanne MacKenzie? For years she tried to find the answer why she was left behind knowing that Joe was abusive. Her mother's explanations were callused in a way and it left Mac wondering if she was even wanted or was she just a mistake birthed by a broken couple which tried to glue the missing pieces together by having a child. She tried to recall the good times when her mother had been there, taught her the little things like making biscuits and helping her make little dresses for the raggedy doll little Sarah would always carry around.

Mac couldn't remember the good times because when she needed a guiding light the most - through her troubled teenage years - she had no one. Chris had been the first person in her life to care or appear to and so she abandoned her father too because for all that he tried, it just wasn't enough for her. Now she felt guilty, wishing she could take a glimpse at the past and how her life may have been different and better for her and Joe. What if she stayed and helped him? She scoffed at the thought of being stuck in that town - that life - forever. The Corps had given her purpose, structure and she'd seen the World as a result.

She would have traded all of her World travels to have the love of her mother right about now.

The cemetary was dreary, dark and the clouds above only gathered more and more. She was cold - body and soul. Mac needed someone there to hold her and let her cry without questioning the emotional weight that was soul crushing. Like usually, she was alone and what was worse? It didn't have to be that way.

"I'm sorry, Major." Father Genaro said breaking through her reverie. He made the sign of the cross over the coffin and then ordered it to be lowered.

"No, I am. I acted horribly… Like a petulant child when you were trying to be kind. That isn't me." Mac was surprised at how forgiving the priest had been when she was rude, condescending and so out of control. It was so unlike her, the normally tempered woman whose actions were usually measured and calculated. It wasn't like her to be that way as all of her actions were usually measured and calculated. "And please, call me Mac."

While she watched the coffin slowly lower into the Earth, Mac unpinned the black EGA on her jacket and tossed it in with him. Her father had been a Marine once, seen the worst the World could throw at a serviceman and although he would not rest at Arlington, she felt he needed to be buried with a piece of that life - a piece that also belonged to her. "Bye dad."

The priest placed a gentle hand on her shoulder studying the woman standing before him. "We all grieve differently, Mac. It's what you do afterwards that can help you move forward… You need to let someone in, let someone comfort you." He was upset that no one was there for her, no friends or family save for a mother that seemed to give the Major more heartache. So he decided to stand by her side and give her a shoulder to cry on if needed.

"I can do this alone, father."

"I'm sure you can but sometimes you don't have to. You have nothing to prove. It's okay to hurt." He was about to offer to call someone, anyone that could stand by her side until God gave him a sign in the form of a tall man wearing a dark blue suit and a white hat. "The Lord does work in mysterious ways."

The closer the man came, the more the priest realized he was a military officer and someone who knew the Major by the look of relief on his face when he'd spotted them. "Major, seems like someone is looking for you."

Mac fully expected to turn and spot her mother rushing to her side, begging for a second chance and some sort of absolution. She held onto a sliver of faith that, at least, one past relationship could be mended. But the woman had stated something about not liking funerals and had abandoned her daughter yet again. When she spotted Harm, her heart slammed into her chest and those butterflies in her tummy took flight again. "He came."

Seeing him walking towards her was the equivalent of what Princesses must have felt like to see their knight in shining armor come to the rescue. He exhuded a sureness and strength that she no longer felt. She had forgiven her father that day but began to grieve her own life, one that had been a rollercoaster ride of sorts. The only constant, the only good thing she had left was Harm - her partner that would become a best friend and lover. And yes, she needed him like the very air that she breathed.

Part of her wanted to be angry that Harm had given chase when she'd asked him not to. The other part reminded Mac that she didn't have to be alone - she had friends now, good friends, a family. Which was why she didn't resist one bit when Harm walked right up and pulled her into his arms without saying a word. Her head came to his chest and the floodgates she'd tried to suppress opened up.

Harm wasn't sure what words to say or how to heal her pain so he simply held on tighter and pretended his heart wasn't breaking too. He could count how many times he'd seen her cry and how many times he'd comforted her. Mac was normally tough as nails and would hide behind the Marine facade until the pain she felt threatened to choke her. But, there was something different in her eyes when she raised her head to look at him, a sadness that made his heart squeeze painfully. He never had a chance to say goodbye to his father and despite finding his spirit in the Taiga, there still was a sense of closure he would never feel. He was glad she could find her closure although he feared what would come afterwards. "Hey, Marine."

"How'd you know where I was?" She finally spoke, eyes bloodshot and full with so many tears.

Finding the hospice took little to no effort at all when you have a junior officer that is excellent at sleuthing. "Tiner and Bud. I didn't give him any details, just told him I needed to find someone." He brushed her tears away and pressed his palm into her cheek in hopes that it would comfort her. "I wanted to be here for you, Mac. You don't have to do this alone."

No she didn't especially when they had shared so many experiences together. Mac was there when Harm had found out about his father and an unmarked grave that he could never visit. She held him when he cried and was his strength when he called his mother to give her the news. Why should she weather this part of her life alone? It didn't make her any less of a Marine to ask for help and take the comfort he was offering. "Thank you."

She introduced him to Father Genaro and remained at the plot a little longer still hoping her mother would show. It was Harm that urged her to leave. She was shivering and cold and he wanted to make sure she ate and rested. He also forced her to abandon the crappy motel she'd checked into and drove to a big chain hotel near the interstate using his credit card to reserve a suite so that they had space if she needed it.

"Mac? What?" He didn't expect her to push him onto the bed or straddle him but Mac did both once they entered the room. Her mouth fused to him, hot and hungrily, burning for the desire to be with him and have Harm erase the past day. Harm's hands came up to cup her face and stop this manic version of her. Her eyes were once again brimming with tears that spilled when she blinked.

So fragile was her voice when she spoke that he almost didn't hear her "I need you...I need you like this."

And that was all it took for Harm to give himself to her. He let her take control, rapidly stripping both of them of the uniforms and letting their armor fall to the ground in a pile. She sat astride him, rocking back and forth in an effort to ride out her aggression and simply feel something more than the numbing pain. Harm held her hips, urged her on using his long fingers to help her find an explosive release. "Let it go." He pleaded and with a strangled scream he felt her muscles tense and spasm, pull and release until her body came down over his.

They were both slick with sweat, the scent of their passion thick in the air. Her head was buried in the crook of his neck and she was crying again; sobbing actually - the gut wrenching ones that Harm knew words wouldn't soothe. So he held her, stroked his fingers up and down her damp spine beneath the covers that he'd pulled up over them.

Both of them fell asleep and he couldn't tell the time only that the light from beyond the windows had waned significantly. It was still bright enough for him to see her laying on her side, a hand lightly stroking the coarse hairs of his chest. She looked so sad. "I'm sorry."

"About what?" He turned to his side to face her and wrapped a hand over her waist to bring Mac closer.

Her hand shook as she reached out to touch his face tracing his jawline and then his lips. "I used you for sex. I've never done something like that. I'm… I'm sorry, Harm."

"I think it was a little more thatn just sex, Mac." Harm surmised. It was making love because he'd never felt anything quite so powerful and was sure he never would. "Even our first time, it wasn't just sex."

"No, it wasn't… I just...Needed something. I can't explain it." He pulled her closer rolling onto his back and pulling Mac to lay on top of him. Her head rested on his chest and the tears came again.

Mac thought about her mother and that numbing pain began making her shake in fear. Harm's hold tightened and she felt him shift to make sure the covers were tight around her. "I'm not cold...I'm...God, what if I turn into her?"

"Her who?"

"My mother."

"Mac…"

"No, Harm." She raised her head up to look at him. "What if I leave my child behind too?" Their child, a little girl with his looks and her brains. What if it was like a disease that bred deep within and then awoke one day when they least expected.

"That won't happen because that isn't who you are."

"I selfishly walked away from my father… I walked away from Chris. In fact, I let him rot in jail. MacKenzie's are trouble. We always have been. What if I can't help it?" She sat up, pulling away from him to lean against the headboard. Mac chewed on her lower lip considering another MacKenzie problem. "What if I fall off the wagon again?"

He shrugged, "I'll put you back on."

"It's not that simple."

No it wouldn't but he would do anything to stop it from happening. "Mac. Are you trying to scare me away? Cause it won't work."

That blew the wind out of her sails and in three quick motions he pulled her down so that her back was on the mattress. Harm hovered over balancing on his elbows, a soft smile on his lips. "You're my lady. And I'm not going anywhere."

"Your lady?" She smiled brightly, amused by this side of him that literally knocked her socks off. The man could be absolutely adorable at times. "Okay, Kenny Rogers."

"I mean it, Sarah. You're my lady and I'll do anything to take care of you." He kissed her slowly, lovingly.

As her body joined with his he heard her say it again: "I love you." Harm still couldn't say the words.