"The sheets need changing." Cosima looks over from her position spooning a breathless Delphine. All considered, sex with Delphine had gone very very well. Cosima cannot help herself, she's smiling like a lovesick idiot into Delphine's neck.
"I told you it was messy." Delphine teases.
"Yeah. Well as I said - everything is washable."
"Can I clean up in your bathroom?" Delphine asks, pushing herself up to her feet and creeping from her arms.
"Of course. Extra towels are on the shelf. I'll change the sheets." Cosima offers. That much she can do, she hears the sink running. Then the shower turns on for a minute or two. She briefly fantasizes about getting in with Delphine but decides she'd better strip the bed. Her mattress cover seems to have taken the worst of it. And while she doesn't have a spare, it should still be fine. As long as she and Delphine just cuddle and sleep.
She balls up a large pile of sheets near the bathroom door and checks on the kittens in the walk-in closet. Kiki is once again under her babies looking rather stuck and helpless. The cat is purring at any rate, supposedly at least mildly content while trapped under hungry babies.
"Yeah. I guess that's parenthood even for cats." Cosima talks to the feline before fetching her spare sheets from the top shelf. She redresses the bed, leaving the sheets pulled down and grabs her spare quilt and blanket. Her duvet will need to be washed as well.
"Do you want cheesecake?" Cosima offers, calling through the bathroom door. "I can get us some from the fridge?"
"I am kind of… hungry." Delphine admits. Before emerging, wrapped in her spare towel. The rich dark red colour makes Delphine look even paler than usual. She watches the blonde settle on the couch, still naked beneath the towel. Cosima just smiles and heads towards the fridge before bringing Delphine a plate with a slice of blueberry cheesecake and two forks. She hasn't moved to remove her underwear. They're damp from both her own arousal, and from Delphine. She's still not sure if she should remove them without Delphine asking, or pulling on them. So she keeps them on.
"Here. It should help." Cosima grins. "I guess we worked up the appetite for dessert after all."
Delphine laughs, looking at her. "We did."
"So what did you think?" Cosima asks, needing to put it all out there.
"It was… different. But enjoyable." Delphine tells her as she slides her fork into the confection.
"What does that mean?" Cosima's brow furrows. That was not the ringing endorsement of a new lady lover.
"Did you ever see that video of people having sex inside an MRI scanner?" Delphine asks instead of responding.
Cosima finds herself taken aback. "Umm. Yeah I think so?" She recalls seeing it somewhere during her undergraduate degree. It wasn't something she spent a lot of time thinking about.
Delphine continues. "After I saw it… every time I had sex all I could think of were my pelvic organs repeatedly being shoved up and out of the way while a man was thrusting into me."
"Wow…" Cosima is unsure if there is anything else to say to that. "That's not exactly a sexy thought." She decides then and there, there is no way Delphine is straight. No way.
"No. It wasn't. But I wasn't thinking about that with you." Delphine gently grips her free hand.
Unsure of how to respond Cosima takes several large quiet bites of cheesecake.
"And you were so gentle, even when you were… shoving your fingers into me." Delphine laughs. And it's beautiful but maybe a little awkward.
"Delphine, I really really enjoyed what happened tonight but if you didn't then that's OK too." Cosima knows it's only fair to offer Delphine an out. She just doesn't want to.
"But I did!" Delphine protests, suddenly distressed. "You felt so good! You were wonderful!"
"I'm glad."
"Seriously, Cosima. Your body is so beautiful. I really really enjoyed making love with you." Delphine's hands swing up in gestures of her own.
"Touch me…" Cosima invites softly, wanting nothing more than Delphine's hands all over her. She blushes and leans in to kiss Delphine, pressing one of the blonde's pale hands into her bare breast. Delphine kisses her back and lets her hand press against soft flesh.
"I can taste myself." Delphine whispers when she pulls back.
"Is that OK? I can go brush my teeth?"
"I'm OK with it." Delphine decides after what feels like too much consideration.
Cosima summarizes it's time for her to clean up too. Especially if she wants more kissing. "I'm going to clean myself up a bit before bed. Do you want to watch a movie or just sleep?"
"Sleep. You wore me out Cosima."
"OK. So I'll be right back." Cosima promises on her way to the bathroom.
She showers only enough to ensure Delphine won't object to getting closer with her. Cosima rinses herself thoroughly, hoping Delphine wants to touch. Hoping Delphine wants to explore giving to her.
She's brushing her teeth when she sees a mostly dressed Delphine hovering in the doorway. She's stunned for a moment, she'd been so certain things were going well. That she'd get to at least cuddle Delphine to sleep and wake to her in the morning.
"Where are you going?"Cosima asks, trying to sound as calm as possible.
"Home. Goodnight Cosima." Delphine tells her as she's pulling her pants back on.
"But… why? Did I miss something?" Cosima quickly grabs her silk robe and slips it on over her body. "Delphine, you can stay…"
She's calling after the blonde hopelessly. Delphine's water glass sits on the counter, their dishes haven't even made it to the sink. What made Delphine just up and leave? What had she done wrong?
She collapses confused on her couch. She'd thought her intentions were obvious. Thought that Delphine would have at least wanted to cuddle up in her bed.
Cosima considers her options and opts to feed the cat and debates going to smoke a joint on her balcony. Chasing after Delphine would look way too desperate. She doesn't want to overwhelm her. But what if she's high when Delphine comes back?
Then again, is not going after Delphine worse? Did Delphine really think she wanted some kind of one-night stand?
Day 43
Cosima tosses and turns. She knows it's not yet three am but this is getting ridiculous. She dresses quickly in loose fitting clothing and heads out of her apartment and down the hall in her slippers.
"Delphine!" She calls loudly as she bangs on her apartment door. She texts Delphine quickly and then shoves her phone back into the pocket of her harem pants.
Delphine answers the door in what looks like nothing but an oversized t-shirt.
"You can't sleep either."
"You woke me up." Delphine tells her, letting her in.
"I know. I would apologize but I'm not really sorry." Cosima reaches for Delphine's bare arms, trying to bring back some kind of intimacy.
"Why?"
Cosima tries to remain calm even as she pleads with Delphine. "Because you left. I wanted you to sleep with me. I wanted you to stay."
"Come lay down in my bed." Delphine invites, leading her to a pristine floor bed. White duvet. White sheets. It looks like something out of a magazine.
Cosima crawls in next to Delphine not bothering to remove any clothing. She reaches out to hold Delphine, scooting in to spoon her, to lay soft kisses on her neck.
"Why did you leave?"
"You told me that is what you do. Drink of water. Get dressed and leave. I've done it too."
"After a threesome or like casual sex or a one night stand maybe… Not after making love with my... " Cosima hesitates. "My friend."
"Your friend?" Delphine rolls over to look at her. Maybe not the best choice of words after all. What else could she say? Her...girlfriend? Her lover? The woman she's currently dating and trying to hold off on falling head over heels for?
"Do you think it's like a situational sexuality thing? I mean. I'm kinda your only option right now." Cosima might as well rule that one out.
Delphine looks at her wide-eyed for a moment. "Cosima, before you I hadn't had sex in three years." Delphine admits finally.
"Three years!" Cosima yelps playfully. "Oh man, she was desperate!"
"Stop teasing me." Delphine suddenly looks incredibly vulnerable.
"Oh god, no that's totally OK. I'm like honoured that you broke your sexual fast with me." Cosima finds herself smiling. Delphine had wanted her that much, enough to try with her after years without. This was promising. Encouraging even.
"Sexual fast?" Delphine laughs.
"Should I have gone with 'ended your self-deprivation'? »
"No." Delphine shakes her head. "Non. That wasn't why."
"Oh, so it was more a 'the power of the pussy compels you!' thing? I'm just that hot?" Cosima tries playfulness, laughing again. Delphine giggles a little. And it feels OK again at any rate.
"See, not so bad." Cosima pulls her in to hold against her skin.
"No… it was.. It was wonderful." Delphine admits. "You felt wonderful. And this is too."
"Best friends, with benefits?" Cosima suggests jokingly. "I could do with getting it on with you more often."
"How can you say that? You've made love to me. At least twice in one night." Delphine shakes her head. "We aren't just friends anymore."
"Then what are we, Delphine?"
Delphine answers her with a soft kiss. Which is enough, for now.
"Delphine?" Cosima mumbles, reaching out for the française when she's woken. But the tousled curly haired head she'd expected is nowhere to be seen.
"Do you want crêpes for breakfast?" Delphine's voice calls from the next room. "Savoury or sweet?"
"Savory." Cosima hollers back.
The food on her plate when she reaches the table puts any brunch she's ever had to shame. The crepe is folded perfectly, stuffed with an egg, asparagus and what looks to be brie.
"I wanted to make up for leaving last night." Delphine explains, sitting down with her own similar breakfast moments later.
"It's a good start." Cosima agrees, digging in happily.
"I don't want to build an expectation. I won't always make you crêpes after sex. I've...I've made that mistake once before. My life is not a romance movie and I am not some love interest who will make you breakfast on demand."
"So why do it at all if you don't want to?"
"Because it's you, Cosima. I want to do these things for you." Delphine tries emphasizing this, but who knows what she actually means.
"I can make breakfast too. Or whatever meal. Why before?" Cosima shrugs. It doesn't matter what they eat for breakfast really. Or any other meal.
"Honestly? Just to get him off me and out of my bed. Men wake up aroused in the morning." Delphine grimaces.
"Oooh." Cosima makes a face. "What would you have done if I was trying to get on top of you this morning?"
"I don't know? Thrown down a couple towels? Asked to have breakfast first?" Delphine gets up to turn on her kettle. "Do you want tea?"
"Yes!" Cosima perches happily on the chair.
"So...what now?" Delphine asks.
"Well it's Sunday morning. We don't have anything to do… except maybe each other."
"Cosima!" Delphine teases her but she's smiling too. "Are we going to talk about my scars?"
"We don't have to. They look really old." Cosima adds after a moment. She certainly doesn't want to push into something painful.
"I was fifteen." Delphine tells her softly.
"In boarding school?"
"Yes, for a few years already at that point." Delphine responds.
"Must be lonely. I've seen scars like that before, Delphine. And other less lethal ones too." Cosima looks her in the eyes. « It doesn't scare me or excite me. »
"It doesn't bother you?"
"It does, but you were 15. It was a lifetime ago. You were still a kid. It's OK to have a past." Cosima reaches for Delphine's hand, but stops when the gesture is not reciprocated.
Delphine regards her cautiously. "You know the statistic that most suicide attempt survivors attempt again."
"Uhh I think I read that somewhere once. Was it more than once? "
"Twice. Only twice. Both before I left boarding school." Delphine looks at her cautiously.
"OK. So that's a good decade plus ago. I'm OK with it, if you are." Cosima rationalizes it aloud. She's dated former self-harmers before. It didn't have to be a dealbreaker. Plus from where she was sitting Delphine was successful, educated, everything she could want in the present. A few scars and a likely history of psychotherapy didn't change that.
"You're just going to overlook it." Delphine summarizes. "Pretend it didn't happen?"
"No. I acknowledge you have a past. It's not our present." Cosima corrects her. "And the crepes are delicious. But don't worry. I won't expect them each time we have sex."
"I might be convinced to make you breakfast anyway. Even without sex." Delphine admits softly.
Cosima doesn't bother mentioning that Delphine has been cooking for her for the better part of the last month. Crepes hadn't happened before though.
"What were your relationships? Were they just, you know, 'verbing the noun ' or what?"
"Verbing the noun?" Delphine repeats cluelessly.
"Having sex." Cosima supplies. "Giving blow jobs included."
"But blow jobs are not sex." Delphine argues. "They're not."
"They are to me… need to up your tally?" Cosima tilts her head. "Because we totally can. Oral sex counts. With me. With men. With anyone ."
"Non. You don't need to up the tally." Delphine grumbles.
"So what were they like?" Cosima asks curiously. She needs to know this. This matters.
"They were dates, sex, and frustration." Delphine supplies. "It… it never worked well for me. The sex was OK, of course. I had orgasms. But emotionally… it wasn't what I thought it should be. And I thought it might just be movies and novels and I needed to live in reality. But they always fractured. Fairly quickly."
"How quickly?"
"Within a year." Delphine says. "Usually less. I didn't want to cohabit. And that was usually near the end."
"OK. I'll take that risk." Cosima decides, surely she can change Delphine's mind?