Chapter Two: Before You

I'm gonna hold you close. Make sure that you know, I was lost before you.

James has never been to a grocery store alone.

Before, his mother would do all the shopping. He would sometimes tag along, causally throwing things in the cart and then getting fussed at for his selections. After, he had been provided with so many dishes from his parents' friends that his fridge had remained fully stocked for a while. When the contents got scarce, Remus had gone to the store with him.

He finds it ironic that he now has to do his first ever solo grocery shopping trip during the Christmas rush. There's not enough room in the store for the sheer amount of people paired with his anxiety.

"Why does a fucking turkey cost this much?" he cries, pulling at the tag of a giant bird in disbelief. A mother passing by gives him a glare, tugging her child quickly past him. "Sorry, sorry."

He tries to rein it in after that, attempting not to come off as some hopeless boy who scares young children with his cursing and doesn't know how much a simple turkey costs, but each aisle seems to elicit a different type of panic attack.

He had made a list before he went. Remus had said that the list would help. It would keep him focused and get him in and out of there. That's what Remus had told him. He trusted Remus.

But now all the list does is provide useless clues like a scavenger hunt he's not equipped to handle. He doesn't know where any of this stuff is.

"Oh my god," James groans, slumping over and letting his head bang against a shelf of Christmas tree cakes that he absolutely doesn't need but sorely wants. He's rounded this store three times already, and this seems to be the only thing he can find. It's like a useless Little Debbie shaped north star that keeps calling back to him.

He should just give into it at this point. Throw enough Little Debbie cakes in his cart for the week, and call it a day.

"Are you okay?"

James shrieks. There's no other word for the high pitched sound that comes out his mouth at that moment. Which is unfortunate, because when he turns, it's to find Lily from the bakery standing there, head tilted and looking amused with a shopping basket hanging from her arm.

"You scared me!" he tells her, leaning back against his cart for support. It rolls a bit down the aisle, and she follows him with her head still tilted and the amused smile still in place.

"You didn't answer the question," she says as she walks beside him. "Are you okay?"

He considers lying and telling her he's fine like he's been doing with Remus, but, for some reason, the word won't come out.

For some reason, it's harder around her.

"No," he admits, standing up straighter and running a hand through his hair. "I'm sort of… lost. I'm not sure what I'm doing."

"Lost because you're shopping for something new? Or because of the Christmas season rush?"

"Both?"

Lily reads something in his face. He sees her eyes soften as she moves closer to him to let someone pass them on the aisle.

"How can I help?"

He's heard that question a thousand times before, and each time he's sort of brushed it off. Insisting that he doesn't need help. That he's fine.

But with her, he extends the shopping list in his hand.

"It's my first Christmas without my parents and I'm trying to get stuff to make Christmas dinner," he says, looking at the floor. "Except I can't find any of the stuff on the list. My mom did most of the shopping."

"Oh."

There's one long beat where he wonders if she's going to flinch or say sorry or break the moment.

Instead, she takes the list from him. "I told you I'm a Christmas expert," Lily says, looking over the paper. "We can handle this. What's your favorite part of Christmas dinner?"

"Oh, um, my mom used to make a sweet potato casserole," he says, following Lily as she starts to move with purpose. "Also… the turkey. But I didn't realize how expensive they are."

"I usually cheat with the turkey," she confesses, guiding them to canned goods. "We can get smaller packs so they don't take as long to cook. Let's focus on the sweet potatoes first."

"Okay, yeah. Sure," he says, feeling a bit stunned. "Are you - are you sure you don't mind?"

Do you mind that I'm a mess?

Do you mind helping me?

"I don't mind. Can I put my basket in your cart?"

"No, go ahead," he offers, stopping the cart so she can drop it in. An older couple looks at them with hearts in their eyes. James blushes, knowing they're under the wrong impression. "Seems like everyone's out doing their Christmas shopping today."

"Everyone is probably shopping for their pre-Christmas parties and events," Lily says. When she isn't weighed down by her basket, which only contains a box of cereal for now, she moves her hands when she talks. "It's absolute chaos on Christmas Eve."

"Speaking from experience?" he asks as she places a few cans in his cart.

"Yes," she says, nudging the cart onward. "One time I ran out of powdered sugar and had to go in…" Lily shivers dramatically but brightens a moment later. "To the turkey!"

James follows with dumbstruck wonder as she easily weaves her way through the crowd. He watches as people part for her, allowing him through too.

He wonders if she'll go grocery shopping with him again after this.

"Maybe a smaller turkey would be better since it's just me," he says as she starts searching through the frozen birds.

Lily looks up at him and drops the turkey in her hands. Her eyes are wide enough for him to see that they match the green in her holiday sweater. "You're eating Christmas dinner alone?"

"Well, I mean… yeah. Everyone is busy with their own families, and I'm sort of… not. So, it's just me this year."

"You shouldn't -" Lily pushes the cart forward toward the packs of turkey breasts."Someone will want you at their Christmas dinner. It's good to see people around the table and… and…" She searches him, looking for an answer, though, as much as he's told her, they don't know each other well. Her eyes flicker to his face and back down to his chest. "The Book Nook," she reads. "You know Benjy?"

"Oh," he says, looking down at his chest. He's still in his work clothes and the name tag that goes with them. "Yeah, I know him. I'm working there for the holidays."

"You work right next door! You should come over to the bakery again. I'm working pretty much every day. We can talk Christmas."

James smiles. "I'd like that. Assuming I don't scare you away with my lack of grocery shopping knowledge."

"We're going to find you somewhere to go for Christmas dinner," Lily says. She drops a package of turkey in the cart and grabs some things from an end cap. "You can bring the sweet potato casserole."

James' grip tightens against his cart. "Oh no. I couldn't impose on someone like that. Especially not Benjy."

Please not Benjy, he thinks. Don't make me spend Christmas with Benjy. I am begging you.

"It doesn't have to be Benjy. We should find somewhere, though. It's Christmas!" Lily has one hand on the side of the cart to direct them through the store.

"I think you're going to have your work cut out for you," he says.

She throws a few more things in his cart. He didn't even know this aisle existed.

"You make the casserole. I'll worry about dinner."

With another turn, she brings them to the front of the store. "I think that's everything you need for some Christmas staples to get you through the next few days. Stop by the bakery tomorrow. We can give you some snickerdoodles and gingerbread."

"Sounds great."

They stand there for a moment, smiling at one another. James wonders if she doesn't want to leave. He certainly doesn't. This has been the easiest it's been in a long time to talk to someone.

"Hey, Lily," he says before he can lose his nerve.

"James?"

"Would you like to come over sometime so I can thank you for helping me? If you really can find me somewhere to go for Christmas, then I can make this meal for us as a pre-Christmas dinner."

"Yes," Lily says, her smile growing like his must be. "I'd love that. We can meet up after work one day."

"Sounds perfect. Well, I'd better get going," he says, gesturing at the growing check out line. "Thanks again, Lily. You really saved me."

"It's no problem." Lily takes her basket out of the cart and puts it over her arm again. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

He watches as she walks away, pausing at an aisle to wave at him one last time. He returns it, as his heart pounds with something like hope.

His hand hovers in the air long after she's left.

Christmas has been coming for the last few weeks.

Lily set out their Christmas tree as soon as she got home over Thanksgiving. She's played her Christmas music Pandora station since the first of November and already worn several pairs of Christmas socks and a few Christmas sweaters.

More people stop by the bakery for gingerbread families and cupcakes decorated like trees. The stores are busy. Commercials declare all sorts of sales for the holidays.

Then, all at once, Christmas makes itself fully known.

The temperature drops overnight. A few strings of lights appear on the trees that line the sidewalk. The town hangs some garlands on the streetlamps. The air has the cheerful static energy of the upcoming holiday.

On her way to work, Lily hunches her shoulders against the cold, pulling the zipper of her jacket up to her neck. She puts her gloved hands in her pockets and tries to warm herself with the spirit of the season that acts as a fire in her chest this time of year.

When she gets to the bakery, it's already warm. Sirius is in the kitchen, ovens roaring with a few dozen cookies. Lily hangs her coat on a peg in the back and sets to work up front. She turns on some background music and hums along while she turns on the lights and adjusts the decorations so they're perfect.

Maybe it's the temperature. Maybe it's the peak of signs and festivities she saw on her walk. Maybe it's the impromptu shopping she did last evening.

No matter what it is, it's really beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

"What should we send over today?" Lily calls back to Sirius. "What do you think James and Benjy would like?"

"James?" Sirius pokes his head into the window that lets her look into the kitchen.

"Yes," she says, opening the register to make sure they have enough change. "The guy who works next door."

"I know James," Sirius says. "How do you know James?"

"We ran into each other."

"You ran into each other?"

"At the grocery store," Lily says, not going into the way she blushed like a fool when he walked into the bakery. "He was still wearing his nametag, so we figured out that we work close to each other. What should we send over to him?"

"You ran into James at the store," Sirius repeats, ignoring her as if figuring out what James would like isn't the most pressing thing. And Benjy. Benjy too. "Just ran into him and struck up a conversation?"

She stopped when she saw him because he looked like he needed someone. The least she could do was make Christmas grocery shopping a little easier. Telling Sirius about James' lost expression and confession about his parents, however, feels too personal. It's not her place.

"Yeah," she answers, closing the register drawer. "He needed some help finding stuff for a recipe. I've learned all the hacks at that store, so I gave him some guidance."

Sirius eyes her, smirking. "I'm sure you did. Did you also give him your number?"

Lily tilts her chin back and looks through the window at him. "I did not, actually."

She doesn't tell him that the reason she didn't is because she didn't think about it.

Sirius tsks in that annoying you've made a rookie mistake way.

"Evans, Evans, Evans," he chides. "How will you ever get a date with him if you don't get his number?"

"I didn't say I was trying to get a date with him!"

The words sound defensive, even to herself.

The memory of his question comes to mind. At the end, when he was about to go to a check out line, he asked if she wanted to come over for dinner.

Is that a date?

"I was asking what kind of cookies you think we should send over since we aren't going to survive the day without some hot chocolate."

"Yeah, sure," Sirius says before switching his voice into a high pitched version of a southern belle. "Oh, Sirius! Whatever shall I do? What sort of cookie says 'I love you?'"

"I'll do it myself," Lily says, hiding her face by ducking into the display case, but she can't escape Sirius' laughter.

The front door bell dings, and Lily looks up to see Marlene coming in looking a bit frazzled. Marlene is rarely on time and rarely put together when she does arrive. Today, she appears to be fighting with her hair at the last possible minute.

"Good morning," she says, trying to gather her thick, curly hair into a bun. The hair band busts on the second twist, and she drops her bags with a groan. "Ugh! Lily! Please tell me you have a spare hair tie."

Now Sirius is probably laughing at both of them.

"Here," Lily says. She takes the extra hair tie from around her wrist and holds it over the display case to Marlene. "I have an extra pack in my coat pocket if we need more."

"You're amazing, seriously," Marlene says, taking the hair tie with wide, happy eyes.

"Siriusly," Sirius corrects.

Marlene is a bit of a mess on the best of days and could come off to some people as a bit ditzy or helpless, but she's always been a great friend to Lily. She adores the other girl and is willing to spare a few hair ties when need be.

Sirius has told her more than once that she has the patience of a saint. Marlene, he says, is proof of that.

"So, what's going?" Marlene asks, picking up her apron. Lily ties it for her without being asked. Too many failed attempts and getting her fingers stuck on Marlene's part. "What are we talking about?"

"What kind of hot chocolate do you want?" Lily asks before Sirius can say anything. "I'm going to send over some cookies to the guys next door. Is there something special you think they'd like?"

"Just a milk chocolate for me. Extra marshmallows again," Marlene says. "The sugar cookies are always a hit this time of year."

"Good idea. That's what they asked for to start this whole thing." Lily untwists one of the straps on her apron as she turns back to Sirius. "Do you have a fresh batch ready?"

"Yep," Sirius says, handing her a box that's warm to the touch. "If that doesn't get you a marriage proposal by Christmas, I don't know what will."

Marlene blinks at them. "What?"

"Sirius thinks I'm flirting with one of the boys," Lily says. She pulls her hat over her ears for the walk. "While I've been nice enough not to mention the way he's always grinning when he comes back from the bookshop. Who caught your eye over there, Black?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius says. "On a completely unrelated note, how would you feel about joining the coffee shop guys for a trivia night?"

"He wants us to go along on his date, Marley," Lily stage-whispers conspiratorially.

Marlene smiles to signal her amusement but knows better than getting in the middle of Lily and Sirius when they're like this.

"I'll go with you," Lily says. "Crushing you at trivia and learning who you're crushing on are great incentives."

"Evans, you're a monster," Sirius says fondly. "Now, take those cookies next door and make sure James knows they're from both of us."

"Don't be jealous, Black."

With a salute to her co-workers, Lily goes out the door and flips the sign to open. It's only a few steps to the shop next door, but the wind makes her shiver as she walks in.

"Hello!" she calls.

To her delight, James is the one at the counter. He looks up when he sees her, and she watches as his whole body shifts into his smile. Eyes, shoulders, head, chest. When he smiles, all of him moves with it.

"Hey, Lily!" he says, pausing where he's wiping down the counter and coming on the other side to talk to her. His eyes brighten when he sees the box in her hands. "Cookies?"

"Yes. I brought them over for our daily hot chocolate trade. I know Sirius usually comes, but I thought I should see what's going on over here."

"That's perfect. I was actually going to ask —"

"Lily!" Benjy's voice, as it often does, interrupts the conversation before it can even get started, and Lily finds herself picked up in a hug and swung around.

"Careful with the cookies!" Lily exclaims, though she's laughing at the same time. The box is mostly safe, but once he sets her down, she puts it on the counter to be sure.

"Oh, man! You brought cookies?" He lifts his hand for a high five, which she meets with another laugh. "Has anyone ever told you how wonderful you are?"

"You have once or twice. Are these still good for three hot chocolates?"

"You know it," Benjy says, grinning. "James, you got their stuff ready?"

For a split second Lily turns to find something like annoyance spread across James' features, but when she takes a closer look, it's gone.

His smile is back but not in the way it was before.

"Yep," he says, handing Lily a drink carrier. "Got it right here."

"These have ruined me for other hot chocolate," Lily says, picking up the one she's claiming and taking a drink. "These are the best I've ever had. We're all obsessed with them."

James beams at this, his cheeks tinting a bit pink. "Thanks. Oh, I wanted to ask you earlier… Are you going to trivia night this weekend? We talked to Sirius about teaming up so we'd have enough people."

"Yeah, I am," she says, holding the cocoa in one hand to stay warm. "I should warn you that I'm a little… competitive."

"So is my friend Remus, who works here," James says. "But, just between us, I sort of set this whole thing up because he has a crush on Sirius."

"Boy's got it bad!" Benjy shouts from over his headphones.

"I knew Sirius was coming over here to visit someone!" Lily says victoriously.

"Benjy!" James shouts, a clearly forced smile on his face. "Didn't you say you needed to go put that book behind the counter for your mother?"

"Oh, you're right!" Benjy says, slapping James on the shoulder. "She'll kill me if I forget again. See you, Lily!"

"See you around," she says. Lily turns back to James. "Is it okay if I bring my friend Mary? She's Benjy's girlfriend and my best friend, so she might be able to reign me in a little bit."

"Can she reign Benjy in?" James asks before straightening up and turning red. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it like that. I know he's your friend, and also dating your friend —"

"He can be a lot, but his heart is in the right place. Benjy is a good person to have on your side." Her smile is soft, but it's sincere. "He's not afraid to tell people when they're out of line."

"I just want this night to go well for Remus. He's pretty shy until you can get to know him, and I feel like a group date is going to be more comfortable for him. I just don't want him to be swallowed up by other people. Do I sound like a jerk?"

"No," Lily says, taking another sip while she thinks about it. "You're thinking about your friend. Benjy usually gets all sappy when Mary is around. They might actually spend all the breaks sneaking off. "

"That might work," James admits, tucking his hands in his trouser pockets. "Benjy said Sirius doesn't normally say yes to people. At least not all the time. Do you think he might like Remus back?"

"I'd have to see them in the same room to be sure, but he's always trying to be the one to come over here. Even though I was decorating all the cookies."

"I enjoy seeing him. He's funny."

Lily lifts the cup. "Thanks again. I should get back before Sirius tells me I'm ditching work."

"Right, yeah," James says, smiling. "Like I probably won't see him in two hours asking for a refill."

"Exactly. I'm working on a hot chocolate flavored icing that I'll send over with him later."

"I can't wait to try it. See you, Lily."

"Bye, James!"

It isn't until she's back at the bakery and behind the counter again, distributing the drinks to Marlene and Sirius, when she realizes what she should have asked him.

Is James the Prongs who writes her notes?

Dearest Doe,

I must admit, one of my favorite parts of working at the coffee shop has been our note trading. It has brought as much joy as the sugar cookies you provide.

So you must have guessed how depressed I was when I got my bag of treats today and THERE WAS NO NOTE!

DOE?!

Are we having our first fight? If so, please accept this extra hot chocolate as my apology. If not, here's a random extra hot chocolate.

Also, please write back to me. I am so lonely without you.

— Prongs

Prongs,

I didn't know my little notes could mean so much to you! My doodles are awful, but my penmanship is pretty good. I got the best handwriting grade in my second grade class, by the way.

Honestly, I'll never say no to hot chocolate. You've turned me into a monster. I have to start drinking more water… once Christmas season is over.

Hope this note made you smile at least a bit. A group of daycare kids cleared out our sugar cookies, so I'm sending you some classic chocolate chip. There's one with M&Ms if you're feeling fancy.

Lots of love,

Doe

Doe,

Thank goodness we aren't quarreling. I didn't know what I would do if we were.

Probably keep providing you with endless hot chocolates until we made up.

Love the subtle brag about your handwriting. As you can see, I would have never gotten the best handwriting in elementary school. I'm surprised you can even read this, if I'm being honest.

The cookies were wonderful. Send my regards to the daycare kids who didn't touch them.

It's crowded here today at the Nook. So many people are doing last minute Christmas shopping. I haven't even started. Have you?

— Prongs

Prongs,

Do I get more hot chocolate, even if we aren't fighting? Do you have one with extra chocolate?

Are you tired of being my tester yet? If not, there's some more icing for you to try. I don't think it's quite right, but I don't know what it's missing. Maybe more marshmallows?

I'm awful at gift giving. Anyway, I've managed to get something for pretty much everyone, except my sister. She's impossible to shop for because she thinks I'm sending some kind of awful message, even with the most innocent gifts. Any advice from my local bookseller?

Doe

Doe,

You can have as many hot chocolates as you would like. Don't tell Sirius. Unless you are Sirius, then hi. But I don't think that you are.

Call it a stag's intuition.

Maybe get your sister one of those books to fill out where she gets to tell her own story. My mom did one for me once. It had questions in it about life experiences and things like that. I thought it was an odd gift then but not so much now.

Your sister may like to write about herself. Who knows?

— Prongs

Ps. I never get tired of taste testing your icing. Send as much as you'd like.

Prongs,

Sirius would never win best handwriting in second grade. He refused to write his last name on his papers all year because "there's only one Sirius."

Like a journal? She got married recently, so maybe she wants to get introspective. Can you send one over from the shop? I'll put some money in for it with this round of sweets.

This batch is better. Let me know what you think.

Doe

Doe,

I just died laughing at that Sirius fact. I admit, I don't know him too well, but it sounds like him.

Sort of like a journal! But with very specific questions. Like your own life story in your words. I'm sending this one over. Let me know what you think.

Some people like writing about their own "legacy." I don't even think I have one of those yet, but some people have enough self importance to think so.

Loved this batch. Would recommend to twenty friends.

— Prongs

Prongs,

He's one of a kind.

It's better than anything I was going to pick. I'll wrap it in nice paper and hope for the best.

That handwriting award might be my legacy. Or the way I'm going to lead our team to victory at trivia this weekend. We all need to pick a quality team name.

Thank you thank you! I convinced Sirius to make a whole batch of hot chocolate themed things, so we'll see how they sell.

Doe

Doe,

I'm glad you like it. Hopefully your sister will too.

And yes! We need a team name! Something that will strike fear in the hearts of our opponents. Or at least great confusion. We should call ourselves the Marauders or something of the sort.

I would buy every hot chocolate themed treat from you. I'm certain they'll sell well.

— Prongs

Prongs,

Does that name strike fear? Does that tell them we will win? A Marauder is a land pirate. Should we commit to the theme?

I'm sending some for all of you. We had a few sales, but I'm hoping for a good post-work shopping rush.

Doe

Doe,

Anything can strike fear with enough emphasis. But omg I love themes and committing to them. Don't even joke. I will do it.

This week is taking forever. How many days is it until trivia again? I'm stuck in this Nook void until then.

— Prongs

Prongs,

When I commit to a theme, I commit. I'll show up in costume if I'm feeling it.

Only a few more days! Christmas is coming, Prongs! Isn't the constant soundtrack making the whole season bright?

Enjoy some extra icing.

Xoxo Doe

Doe,

PLEASE show up in a costume. Then I'll know exactly who you are. It'll be our own Cinderella moment.

Christmas is coming, but this year feels so different for me. I see everyone else bustling around, being cheerful. And I'm just...not. I'm trying, but it's hard.

I don't mean to unload this on you. Sometimes it's easier to write it down than to say it aloud.

Two days until trivia.

Will we recognize each other?

— Prongs

Prongs,

Do you think you have a good guess about who I am? I guess the mystery can only go so far.

I get it. I mean, I guess I don't really, but I do. Maybe.

I love Christmas. It's this time of year when magic feels like it could be real. It feels like if the world was going to come together and do something great, this would be the time. It's like being a kid again, at least for a little while.

I don't know if I can help, but I'm here. Do you need a Christmas pick-me-up?

Doe

Doe,

I think I might, but also I'm pretty bad at guessing games.

I love Christmas too. Don't get me wrong. It's just hard to find much to be cheerful over this year.

I'm hoping to get a tree this weekend. Assuming there are any good ones left. Any pointers for someone who has never picked out a tree on his own before?

— Prongs

Prongs,

I'm sorry things are rough this year. I don't know if I can make it any better, but I'll certainly try not to make it worse.

You have hot chocolate skills and a bakery employee who is willing to make just about any icing you'd like. What kind would make you feel most cheerful?

There's a cute Christmas tree farm right outside of town! They usually have a good selection, especially of the smaller ones. I like the ones that have some character.

Doe

Doe,

Lemon icing. That's my favorite. It's sort of untraditional, but my mom would make lemon cookies with lemon icing every year along with sugar cookies.

I'll let you know how my Christmas tree hunt goes! I'm planning on going after trivia. Which is TOMORROW!

Happy almost weekend!

See you tomorrow, Doe!

— Prongs