Fillerish chapter. Basically put a lot of stuff in here hope it reads okay. :)

Chapter 16 - Is It Serious?

The ride on the COD was mostly uneventful if you didn't mind having a slobbering Mic Brumby using her shoulder as a pillow.

From the moment she was given this assignment Mac knew she would eventually bump into Harm. It was inevitable despite the size of the ship. She knew he would want to see her and she would do her best to avoid him as long as possible.

For the hundredth time that day she sighed and began to mentally rattle off all the times he tried to contact her in the past four months. He'd been gone less than a week when the calls to JAG began. Stupidly, she's answered two and hung up the moment she heard his voice. After that Mac asked that Harriet screen all her calls and any messages from 'Rabb' were to be thrown out. 4 time she thought he had given up until the messages began to appear on her answering machine.

"Hey Mac, it's Harm." She never got past his greeting, deleting each and every message before discovering the purpose for his call. Mac never returned any of the calls and even changed her cell phone number to make it difficult for him to reach her.

Harm tried sending her messages through Bud and Harriet but she nearly chewed both their heads off while telling the Junior officers that she wanted nothing more to do with him. They were also instructed not to give Harm any information about her life and hoped they would heed her instructions. For a time there was silence which was fine by her. Mac didn't care if things were good or bad, she didn't want to hear details of his daring exploits that made the Navy Times. All she wanted was to heal and for the stupid tears to stop.

Mac was certain she'd never cried so long or so hard to the point in which her coworkers began to notice the circles under her eyes from lack of sleep and the seemingly endless sobbing. "She probably just misses the Commander." Oh, how wrong and right they could be.

Apparently, two months after his deployment Harm became a prolific writer because that was when the emails started: two months, six hours, thirty nine minutes and twelve seconds after the Henry left port. The subject was usually the same: 'I'm sorry.' But Mac couldn't begin to imagine the contents as each email suffered the same fate living as a group in a trash folder. She probably should have eradicated them all together but something always made her stop when the mouse hovered over a permanent delete.

And now she was here inside the same floating hunk of metal as the man she tried to avoid. Life was cruel sometimes but he wanted to break up so they would remain that way and no damned apology would change that. She still harbored an unyielding anger for him and Mac hoped she always would.

She looked herself in the mirror, straightened her uniform and aligned the silver oak leaf now on her lapel. It made her smile, the unexpected promotion that she believed was ill deserved given the mess Mac made of her career just a few months prior.

"How?" She asked Chegwidden. and he merely smiled at her.

"Someone believed that you earned it, Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie. Not everyone goes through something like that and turns their life around. You never threw in the towel, you persevered, the Corps needs officers like that. You're a leader, Mac."

And so she was determined to lead by example and not her heart. After the debacle with Chris and John, Mac decided she didn't need a man in her life and yet she let Harm creep in - that wouldn't happen again. But, the fates had a way of intertwining their lives no matter how much she tried to avoid it because once she stepped out of her quarters she ran right into him, literally.

Or maybe he ran into her, Mac couldn't tell but she hated the way her traitorous body tingled when his hand wrapped around her arm to steady her. Or the way her tummy fluttered when blue eyes met brown. He looked delicious in his flight suit and so she tampered those feelings down with all of her might until she found him snapping to attention.

"Colonel, ma'am."

Harm had been standing at Vulture's Row watching the rest of the squadron come in when the COD arrived. He wasn't sure if she would be on it and once Mac emerged he stood there mesmerized. The cranials and goggles looked ridiculous on her as did the vest which was oversized and dwarfed the feminine curves he'd memorized in such a short time. He bit his inner cheek once Brumby hopped off after her like a dog still in heat.

He relished another conversation with the man, especially one that introduced his fist to the side of the Aussie's face for looking at his girl that way. And that is when he stopped and grabbed the edge of the rail so tightly his knuckles went white. His girl. That wasn't exactly right anymore was it? Mac was no longer his, he'd made sure of that and spent the last few months regretting every moment of it.

When he was in the cockpit, he turned his feelings and emotions off concentrating solely on his life and that of his RIO. He was determined never to let anything like that ramp strike ever happen again. There were many things left to prove Harm quickly found out when the squadron gave him the call sign 'Pappy' which motivated him to do better than most. And he was the best, almost the best. Lieutenant Buxton had stolen his place on the Greenie Board and was now paying for his arrogant and reckless flying.

Sadly, it reminded him too much of his former self, the young lieutenant that flew on emotion rather than smarts. And that Lieutenant killed a man once, Buxton did the same. The parallels were frightening and it was after the incident that Harm began to wake up and realize this life was no longer for him.

"Congratulations on your promotion ma'am." Harm stood perfectly at attention, his eyes were even fixed at a spot behind her head and his body unwaveringly rigid.

"Thank you." Mac wasn't sure if he was mocking her so she wearily tried to get out of his way. "Excuse me, I must see the skipper."

"Can we talk, ma'am?"

"No we can not. We already did all of our talking, Lt. Commander Rabb. Dismissed."

A chill ran up his spine given the way Mac said his rank with such iciness. She barely even looked at him other than a scowl of disgust that made him feel like complete shit. He was determined to speak to her, needed another chance because the lonely nights were slowly starting to kill him.

Harm did have fun, did enjoy life on a carrier. He always had a deep fondness. It wasn't for everyone but he embraced it fully and even offered legal aid to crewmates in efforts to keep himself constantly busy. And busy was a good thing to be because it allowed little time to think. But he could only fly so many hours, work on legal things for so many more. Eventually, he would need to lay in his bunk and try to sleep but, that's when he would begin to think about her.

The first week he was still far too angry.

How dare Mac mock him?

He was an adult with responsibilities that kept the crew and a whole Nation safe. Being a fighter pilot wasn't a joke. It took great skill, hundreds of hours of classes and day after day of intensive carrier qualifications. Even then only the best remained, the ones that could land millions of dollars of screaming metal on a floating postage stamp.

Mac was a Marine and the only thing they ever needed from the Navy was a ride. She got plenty of rides from him alright, left plenty satisfied too as far as he was concerned. He didn't need to be used by her and there was another upside to being in the Navy - the ports of call were usually exotic with equally enticing women at his disposal.

The funny thing was, he didn't want any other woman.

He wanted her and only her.

Once the unreasonable anger subsided Harm found himself pining. Two weeks later Harm began calling JAG just to talk to her. Mac's voice was stern over the line and every crass and harsh thought that had once crossed his mind was now shameful and embarrassing. Harm hadn't meant them, not a single one he was just hurt so it was easier to take it out on her. "Mac. It's Harm, please don't hang up."

He heard the breath rush out of her lungs and expected some sort of conversation even if she simply yelled well deserved obscenities at him. Instead Mac hung up and began to avoid any and every form of communication. Harm became a desperate man using Harriet and Bud to keep tabs on her until, eventually that well dried up as well. "Sir, I'm sorry but, we can't talk to you about her."

He would write to her, Harm decided. An email a day and sometimes two. At some point she had to forgive him, had to read them and know how sorry he was to have hurt her. But, the read receipts never came through nor a reply even if it was to call him an ass.

Nothing but silence from her end and he wondered if maybe that love she once felt for him was mostly the thrill they experienced in each other's arms. Ruefully he thought about his mother's comment, the fact that she was absolutely right - it was almost impossible to fall out of love. "What have I done?" It was as if she never was part of his life and Harm felt a kind of emptiness like he never had before.

Four months on tour began to feel like an eternity. Oh, he loved the flying part, that much was a given. It was the hours in between that constantly battered his sanity. And now, with her on board his emotions went into overdrive. He needed to see her, needed to talk to her, to beg and plead and grovel. He needed to tell her the one thing he never could. God, what had she done to him? Why had he let her in?

Flight ops had gone well that day and upon his return Harm found himself as part of Buxton's defense counsel, something he really didn't need. He wasn't of the right mind to fight Mac, not this way although it did give him a very good excuse to seek her out again. "It looks like we'll be working together, mate." Brumby said, patting him on the back as if they had been friends at one point. "I rather like opposing the Colonel, she's damned feisty."

"Are you seeing her?" Harm asked because more of that crass venom was building inside of him the two times he'd seen Mac and Brumby sitting together at the officer's mess. She had touched his forearm to get his attention and although it was neither romantic or affectionate, Harm still seethed.

"Who?"

"You know who, Brumby. I told you once to stay the hell away from her."

Mic raised his hands in defence. "Woah, woah, woah, mate. Unfortunately, Mac wants nothing to do with me. What the hell has gotten into you anyway? Too much jet fuel?"

The case had come and gone and she was leaving in the morning, just a few hours away really. He hadn't had a chance to talk to her personally but then an aircraft carrier afforded them little space and time to do so. He was well known, well liked and everyone seemed to always have an eye on his whereabouts - something that a young officer once enjoyed and now he loathed.

And so Harm took a chance because he knew that the moment she left they were done for good. He would never see her again.

Mac wasn't in the legal office and Brumby claimed to not have seen nor hide nor hair since the case concluded. Venturing to her stateroom was ludicrous he knew but, after scouring most of the ship and not spotting her anywhere, it was his last ditch effort and he was willing to risk reprimand to make it count. He knocked and a muffled "Who is it?" sounded from the opposite side of her closed door.

"Colonel it's Lt. Commander Rabb. I need to speak with you. It's an urgent matter." He stated in his best officer voice in case any passerby wondered what he was doing in front of her door in the middle of the night. If she answered him, Harm didn't hear. There was nothing but silence from the opposite side and he could almost imagine her pausing, hiding maybe even hoping he would go away. "Mac, please."

He stood there feeling like a repentant idiot on the verge of breaking the door down so that she could see him and listen. Instead he did soemthing stupid uncaring if he was caught, what did it matter anymore anyway? He was in agony. Harm's forehead came to rest on her closed door, an open palm pressed against it as well. His voice was gentle but loud enough that he hoped she would hear it when he poured his heart out. "I love you, Mac...I love you and I can't stand this distance between us."

The door opened so quickly he practically fell through. She grabbed him by the front of the t-shirt whirled him against the now closed door practically slamming him into it. Harm knew she was strong but this caught him completely off guard so it was easier for Mac to manhandle him. "Are you fucking out of your mind, Commander?" She spoke in an icy tone while she glared at him with an equally icy expression.

He'd angered her various times in their partnership but this was something he had never been privy to. It was like her heart had turned into a glacier and he was trapped beneath it. "I probably am but I still love you."

His words actually made her loosen the hold and take a step back. It was then that Harm noticed she was not in uniform but wore a USMC t-shirt and shorts. Her hair was damp and slicked back and the scent of strawberries and something uniquely her was having the most dizzying effect on his senses. He loved a freshly showered Sarah MacKenzie because the smell would linger in the air and often on the sheets that she slept in. Christ, he'd give so much just to smell her on his bed again and on the clothes he wore.

"You don't love me. If you did you couldn't have said the words you said." Oh yeah, it still hurt despite Mac trying to bury it as far and deep as possible. It also still made her cry although Mac swore she was all cried out over him. She was determined to feel nothing for just that ice cold numbness which got her through the day.

"I'm an ass."

"Yes, you are." She agreed and stiffened her spine because she wasn't going to let those baby blues of his do things to her anymore. "You meant them."

"Yes. It bothered me that you never told me you were married, Mac. I thought we were friends."

"Just like it bothered me that you spent almost two years knowing I looked like someone else and never said a damned thing."

She was right, of course. Harm had purposely hid Diane's likeness for reasons he never did wrap his head around. Maybe he just didn't want to open that wound again? "I still love you. I love you like I never could and never would love her." Harm's voice softened to almost a whisper that only she could hear. Carefully, he walked towards her just a step and then another until they were standing just a breath away. He was breathing heavy, the scent of her, the feel of her soft skin as his fingers brushed over the crook her elbow made him want.

"Harm, stop." It was imperative that she kept the distance and made it grow until he was just a memory and hopefully not even that. She'd given him more than she'd given anyone else and Mac knew he was danger. Harm would be the death of her and after one particularly long night of ugly crying, she decided there would be no more. She'd move on. Wasn't that what he wanted her to do anyway?

Mac tried to pull her arm out of his grasp but he only held on, his long fingers wrapped around one wrist and then the other. Her breath caught and it was as if the air was sucked completely out of the room. She glanced down to see his fingers move slowly up her arms to which her skin responded by breaking out in goosebumps. Distance, she needed to keep that distance before her traitorous heart gave into him again. "I said stop. Don't make me order you."

"Can't you feel that?" He ignored her and took one hand raising it to press over his heart. His palm covered hers and Harm was sure she could feel the strong erratic beats even between the cotton. "Tell me you don't feel that."

"Harm, please." She swallowed hard and closed her eyes willing for this to be another nightmare. Mac could deal with those because throughout her life she'd become a pro at learning to wake up from dreams. Unfortunately, he was very much real and such a simple touch made her feel trapped and unable to breathe. She could smell the scent of him and it was getting closer so that when her eyes sprung open she found his head was close to hers, his lips just a breath away. "I'm seeing someone."

That made him step back, his eyes widening in shock or anger, she wasn't quite sure. The grip on her hand fell as well and he took a step away from her as if burnt and then, finally… finally she could breathe again.

For Harm the words made him feel as if a bucket of ice water had been thrown over him. The racing of his heart ceased, the desire he felt for her died as well and he could feel his body become suddenly rigid no longer the acquiescence to the soft feel of her skin. "Who?" He croaked out unable to say much else because his voice would crack and she would hear the emotions that were running rampant through him.

"Mario."

He laughed dryly and actually breathed a soft sigh of relief that, at least, it wasn't Brumby. Sarah Brumby. He almost gagged. "Ah yes, Mario. The cop that looks for stolen cars."

"The homicide detective that helped out a friend." There was that icy tone again only it was thicker than before and Harm couldn't blame her. He purposely made Detective Bigi sound like nothing when he knew the man was good at his job and had solved multiple cases enough so that he had been on the news a time or two. "Finding your car was a favor."

"A favor." For her, of course because it was highly unlikely the man would have bothered searching if Mac hadn't asked. How many times was it that Mac said they'd dated? Twice? Harm didn't believe her anymore especially when she took several steps back almost pressing herself against the bulkhead in an effort to stay away. "How long?"

"Does it matter? It wasn't when you and I were together, if that's what you're insinuating."

Of course she would think that, he pretty much had called her easy before they parted ways and received a well deserved slap over it. "Is it serious?" The way her eyes avoided his answer was enough. Harm let out a long sigh, his shoulders slumping heavily as if that magnetic pull between them sucked out all of his energy.

He wanted to touch her again, the tips of his fingers still tingled from when skin met skin. But, she wasn't his anymore and he didn't have the right to touch or kiss or want. Mac and Mario. An anger began to rise in him not directed to anyone in particular but simply over the situation. Four months? It took her all of four simple months for Mac to get over him while Harm pined and hurt and angered. Yet again, he felt like a fool but then, he turned himself into one hadn't he? "Have you slept with him?"

"I hate it when you're like this."

"You hate everything about me."

She shook her head. "No...I don't. But this version of you is making it hard to be your friend."

His friend? At the moment Harm didn't even think that was possible anymore. "Mac, yes or no?"

Flight ops resumed again and the silence in her stateroom made the sounds of the catapult actually sound unpleasant to Harm's own ears. She wasn't looking at him but found interest on a dark spot in the linoleum at her feet. His heart sank because she didn't have to say the word to admit the one thing he knew was true. He'd lost her now, completely and forever just as sure as Jordan said he would. "Have you… have you slept with him?"

"Yes."

The word hung between them like a grenade with a faulty pin that could blow if tipped the wrong way. It made him swallow hard the thick saliva that stuck to the lump in his throat that suddenly appeared. "So it is serious."

"Sex doesnt mean anything is serious."

"No but you don't sleep around." That much he knew to be true, she wasn't the type to stray or cheat despite his callused words from months prior. "So you have feelings for the guy?"

"I might." Mac hadn't really thought about and she didn't want to. This was still far too raw and painful to even consider anything more. "Look Harm, this is highly inappropriate. You need to go. You've been here too long and if anyone sees."

"Yeah, you're right. I'll get out of your hair." He was almost gone, she could almost breathe again. But, then harm stopped, his hand grabbing onto the handle ready to pull. He stopped short and kept his back to her, holding onto one last sliver of hope. "So that's it for us? We're through."

"Isn't that what you wanted? You made that decision the moment you said what you did. You wanted to break up with me. You wanted to for a while which is why you suddenly changed."

"I was misguided. I thought it was the right thing to do. I realized my mistake too late."

She actually laughed. "Misguided? That's your answer to this?"

"I don't expect you to understand. I did what I thought was right by you. I made a mistake, a bad one and I'm paying for it. I am sorry, Mac." He turned to her then and leaned up against the door folding his arms across his chest. "You know? Mom said that I would learn how hard it is to fall out of love with someone. She was right. So I have to ask, do you love me anymore? You did once."

"You don't get to ask me that, Commander. Do I need to make it an order for you to leave?"

There was that ice again and the walls that erected around her with it. "No ma'am. I apologize for taking up so much of your time." He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. "Thank you Colonel for the legal advice. May you have a safe flight home." Harm said out loud in case anyone was skulking around and then headed off to his and Tuna's quarters.

Mac closed the door, leaning against it. She brought her hand to her lips, imagining the taste of him that was once so wanted and familiar. "Yes." She finally answered although he wasn't there to hear her. "Yes, I love you." And sadly, she always would.