Oookay. So if you follow any of my other stories - my madness usually comes out of a song I heard. I am eclectic, I listen to so many different things. Because of Spotify's suggestions I've caught on to other music (most of which is "up beat" so I can run to other "relaxing" so I can work) and a lot of stories or chapters have stemmed from the mood of the song or the lyrics.

THIS chapter is no different although the song is "up beat" the lyrics are SOOO Harm and Mac season 9ish. All of them don't suit this story and I will refrain from tossing in some text but… it's the chapter title and now it's on replay… and replay and...replay.

It does bite me on the six sometimes because a song will play and it's like it takes me back to a "scene" good or bad that I wrote in the past - "Into Emptiness" and "Distance" are two stories that are all wrapped around music. As angsty as those two stories are, I love them a lot. :)

Anyway…. Off the rails… Here's the next instalment. Yes, yes… Mac has to find Harm because of that "link" they have. Yes. Problem is, sometimes it's cheesy to write it although I do believe it was done justice on the show the two times she "saw" something. Harm for all of his issues did also have a gift of sight - we see it in "To Russia With Love", "Ghost Ship" and I applaud JAG for not making it look hokey.

BTW - this story was originally going to end 8 chapters ago. It wasn't going to go over 10 - short and sweet… And yet we have a novel. LOL!

Chapter 18 - Crying On The Bathroom Floor

Missing.

Missing...Harm was missing; lost in the middle of a storm tossed ocean. At least it wasn't followed by the words "presumed dead." Missing meant there was some hope of being found. Missing meant someone was looking for him.

Right, like Harm's dad. Mac quickly tampered down that terrible, terrible thought. At least he hadn't ejected over enemy lines but, that didn't mean the adversaries weren't out seeking him.

She'd been hurting for the last few months. His departure made her angry and despite Harm's attempt to contact her, Mac was trying to move on. Trying because you don't love someone the way she did Harm and fall out of it. However brief, they shared something special and it was those thoughts that were currently fueling another panic attack. What if she never saw him again? No, don't think that way! She chastised the wayward thought but then a little anger bubbled to the surface.

Sometimes she wished she had never met Harmon Rabb Jr and never let him slide his way into her heart. For sure she never should have let herself entertain the feelings for him that allowed Harm to slip into her bed. That had been a mistake on her part but she'd seen a different side of him, the man that wanted more than just her body - he wanted everything although the words failed him.

Mac wasn't exactly promiscuous. Most of the men she'd been intimate with shared a relationship with her. There had been two others, the only two where sex had been nothing more that the need to stave a basic, carnal need. One was during her college years; a lover that was for fun with the mutual agreement to keep things detached. The other, sadly, was John Farrow because she was lonely and needed the company of a man. He was willing, so was she although after time Mac had developed a deep affection for the senior officer. She cared about John but, it wasn't cataclysmic when that all came to an end perhaps because Mac never was in love with him.

Sex didn't need to come with deep feelings or emotions and somehow she wished she could apply that to her and Harm's thing. Because sex with him wasn't sex, at least not to her - they made love because she loved him heart and soul. They made love because she gave him something no other man could have, Mac gave him everything that she was and left herself vulnerable to him. Her carefully shuttered heart was opened wide and welcomed every touch, every caress, every kiss. And it must have meant something to him as well because they were joined skin to skin without any barriers between them. Harm trusted her enough to allow that and she trusted him as well; believed he wouldn't hurt her.

Mac sighed and curled herself tighter into a ball. And it was definitely the dumbest decision of her life because it made her fall deeper and harder. And now the big bad Marine was seated on the tiled floor against her tub, legs drawn up to her chest. She'd torn her clothes off, stripped down to nothing but her underwear and was now crying on the bathroom floor.

All she could feel now was that penetrating cold and shame. There was so much shame. She felt guilty and the cries came out as deep sobs that had her gulping for air. A time or two she may have wished bad things to happen to him; atonement for his breaking of heart.

"God, I didn't mean it."

That was natural wasn't it? The ill wishes over an ex? The feelings amplified after being on the Henry and hearing him finally, finally utter the words she longed to hear from him.

'I love you, Mac.'

If he loved her he wouldn't have attempted that shoddy break up when she'd finally agreed to not stand in the way of his flying. Perhaps it was she who didn't love him enough? Mac buried her FACE in her hands, fighting the rising panic attack, the third of the day after she'd embarrassingly experienced one so bad, Brumby was taxed with driving her home.

Chegwidden finished telling her about the mission and how the squadron had taken fire some days prior and Harm had saved his wingman. Not that it was unexpected but the hostility was far too quick for a defensive maneuver. And so he'd ejected because the plane had been hit so bad it had no prayer to stay in the air. But, there was more, far more than the Marine was able to take because something so odd had happened.

Harm, talk to me… talk to me. The silence was deafening.

"Missing?" Mac paled. Oh no. She couldn't help but think of Harm's father and the years he was held captive behind enemy lines never to return home. That couldn't happen to Harm. "Is the SAR team looking?"

"Yes. But the weather isn't favorable and his EPIR isn't giving them a ping. They found his RIO, Lt. Hawkes but Harm is still missing." Chegwidden was speaking to her with the tenderness of a father not the gruffness of a commanding officer. It made her wonder if she and Harm had been secretive enough or if a subtle movement or comment had been the tell as to the status of their relationship. "Mac, I brought you in here because you and Commander Rabb were close."

And there it was, that knowing look that dared her to say otherwise. "Sir, we… I mean to say…We uh..."

"I know, Mac. I'm not blind and I know his leaving cost you something. You've been miserable for months. Maybe you think you can hide it from them." He motioned with his head to the door that led to the bullpen. "But, I knew from the moment you met."

"You told us not to get too close." When had the tears begun to fall? Mac wasn't sure but when she reached up to brush a strand of hair she noticed she was crying and her body was shaking. "What can we do?"

"Other than pray?"

"I'm sorry...that was a stupid question."

"Captain Pike is contacting me soon, we'll be able to hear what's going on. I believe they'll find him, Mac."

"We broke it off before he left." She said suddenly although Mac hadn't needed to, Chegwidden could figure it out by her terse behavior in the office. She'd always been a squared away Marine but, Mac was normally a joy to be around and as of late, that mirth disappeared.

"And you still have feelings for him?: At her nod, he sighed deeply. "Then the man's an idiot for leaving you."

It had angered Chegwidden something awful that Rabb was so willing to wreck a promising career and possibly the path to being the future of JAG all for carrier life. He understood to a degree, often missing the thrill of being a SEAL But, those jobs came with a bullseye on your back and no one came away completely unscathed. For AJ; he'd lost his wife and ripped a gaping hole in the relationship with his daughter. For Harm; only time would tell if he could survive such a terrible ordeal or if the sea would claim him. "I'll keep you abreast of the situation. I know it's difficult but, you still have duties to perform."

"Aye, sir."

As she weaved through the bullpen Mac felt each and every person staring at her as if they all knew. They didn't, she realized but for some odd reason she felt like a widow who had just been told her husband had died. "Bud, if you get any news, come get me and that's an order."

"Aye, ma'am." He was still standing in front of the navigation map and ran a red X over a spot she knew, wholeheartedly Harm wasn't at. Again she couldn't breathe and that cold, cold feeling crept into her very soul. She closed her eyes tightly and could practically see the dark water above her head; rolling waves that crashed with such force there was no place to go but down. She needed to use her feet, kick as hard as possible to resurface but even that was a trial as the ocean water filled her boots and made the flight suit bog her down. "Ma'am? Colonel, are you alright?"

Bud's words began to fade and disappear as the darkness took her under. She was so close to drowning and taking that mouthful of water that would shock her lungs. Even as she fought the water, some of it snuck in through her nose, droplets sliding down the back of her throat as her body tried to coax her into taking a breath. It would be uncomfortable for a minute or two and then there would be light and peace. She needed that peace.

No! Not her...Harm!

How was she seeing him? How did she know exactly what was happening to him? Oh, Harm, swim, kick hard, you need to surface! You can't give up! Don't give up!

He was cold but still had some fight left in him, the erratic lightning overhead illuminated the ocean around him so that Mac had a clear view. He was scared but using his survival training to stay alive, flopping to his back as he suddenly stopped fighting the ocean and let his body ride over the waves. A helo flew overhead and with his arms he tried to signal but for the third time that night they just passed him by and Harm could only scream into the skies.

Mac woke up to find herself in Chegwidden's office stretched out on his sofa, a cool towel placed over her forehead. She tried to sit up but dizziness slammed into her for her efforts and with a groan lowered herself back down. She could hear someone speaking from the anteroom, her commanding officer ordering Brumby to drive her home and make sure she stayed there. She rolled her eyes and gave a bitter chuckle. "I saw him." She said out loud and both men entered the room staring at her as if she'd lost her mind. "Harm. I saw him. I know you don't believe me but, I did and it's terrible. He's so cold."

"Take her home."

"No, I'm not leaving." But she had nothing left in her, no fight. Her body felt heavy and lethargic and all Mac wanted to do was sleep.

"That's not a request, Colonel."

Being in her apartment was the absolute worst because she felt like a trapped rat. Her Corvette was still at ops. Mic offered to stay for a while and she didn't protest when he headed into her kitchen to make her a sandwich and some tea. Whatever tensions he'd once felt around the man disappointed because, like Chegwidden he knew something had gone on between her and Harm; it made her off limits. Perhaps it was the way he defended her and almost lobbed his head off for Mic's indiscreet comments. "So… you and Harm, huh?"

She'd nearly choked on the two bites of turkey sandwich she managed to swallow down and merely stared wide eyed as the Aussie shrugged. "A man doesn't get that defensive over 'just a friend', Mac. I hope they find him, I really do."

It was after he left and another call to Chegwidden offered 'no joy' that she'd stripped out of her uniform and let it pool to the floor. And there she still sat, an hour later to the point that her joints had begun to protest. Mac squeezed her eyes again and tried to find him but it was impossible - whatever 'vision' she may have seen was clearly her mind playing havoc.

"Talk to me. Tell me where you are." She said and began to repeat the words over and over like some sort of chant. Mac felt her eyes grow heavy and that cold seep into her body again with each word that came off her lips. She rocked her body back and forth, her breathing becoming erratic as a dark wave came over her again.

Oh Harm. He was so pale and if it hadn't been for his arms flailing, she would have thought he was dead. The waves were just as relentless offering him no reprieve. They battered, tore at him and he was shivering so hard his teeth were chattering. Lightning illuminated the area again and in the back of her mind Mac found the coordinates, lines of latitude and longitude in the middle of the Arabian Sea.

Her eyes snapped open and the overwhelming rush to run had Mac quickly standing up. She nearly fell over in the rush to reach the cordless phone, the bone chilling cold making it difficult for her fingers to press each key to Chegwidden's personal phone. "Sir. I swear, I am not losing my mind. I know where Harm is." And she prayed they weren't too late.