Chapter 20 - Just A Kiss

Walking through the hallway felt like a death march; a sacrificial lamb to the slaughter. Mac was nervous in ways she'd never been while taking fire or flying in a jet. She was apprehensive because she'd lost and despite his want to break up she'd obliterated any chances at a reconciliation because of Mario Bigi.

She stopped several feet away from his door half expecting to find Jordan still wrapped in his arms. Carefully she moved closer and closer finding the door ajar. He was alone and her eyes darted across the room to make sure it was so.

There was nothing but the quiet whirling of the machines he was hooked up to and the soft breaths as his chest rose and fell. He was alive. Wonderfully alive although a lot worse for wear.

Mac mentally rattled off all of the injuries she'd been privy to and was thankful it hadn't been worse. The memory loss was her biggest concern and if it would have adverse effects on his life or career. She quelched down the thought of his not remembering her because it was simply important that he was alive and back home. Although it wasn't in her arms he would be; clearly he decided to snake back into Jordan's life.

That kiss on the Patrick Henry still shook her because she never imagined he would do such a thing or profess his love or ask for forgiveness. It was confusing to say the least but given how he'd broken up with Jordan to be with her, Mac wondered if the script had been flipped again. Not that she could blame him after openly admitting to a relationship with the detective. Oh the mess they made of things.

Slowly she ventured further into the room and slid into the guest chair and just watched him sleep. He whimpered, shifted restlessness and Mac frowned at his current state that made a warm tear slip from one eye. She quickly brushed it away and sighed deeply. Oh Harm.

His large frame looked fragile on the hospital bed with all of the cables connected to him. Her fingers longed to brush over the longer hair which was boyishly messy. The light beard he sported actually looked good and rugged. Even though a scar marred his left cheek he was still handsome albeit a little pale. At least his skin was not as ashen as in her visions. At least he wasn't cold anymore.

"You're a hero." Captain Pike had said over the phone as it had been nothing short of a miracle when Mac rattled off the coordinates which pin pointed him perfectly. "A GPS isn't as accurate."

She'd been congratulated by the JAG staff and given a few days leave because, for some reason her search had left her feeling ill. Harm wasn't out of the woods for some time. The carrier crew had a hell of a time fighting the hypothermia that made his heart stop for a while.

And then came the assessment of all his injuries and a medically induced coma to reduce swelling of his brain. A trial for sure but he was still alive and had an excellent chance of recovery if he could remember. For days Mac wanted to fly to him but she was likely to arrive too late and so she waited for his return. It felt like an eternity.

She found herself leaning in, holding her breath so that she could hear him, the sound eased some of her trepidation and she felt another tear slip out and then another. All of the tears she'd cried out in her car returned with a full force and it was all she could do to bite back a sob.

"Don't cry." A raspy voice barely above a whisper made her eyes snap up to meet his and they were curiously wide as if seeing her for the first time. Or maybe he was seeing a stranger? The intensity of his gaze startled her, the blue-green irises making her feel shattered. He closed those eyes and slowly opened them again, blinking to force his eyes into focus because again they were hazy. "You're real." He whispered. "I thought I was dreaming."

Mac opened her mouth to say something but no words would come out. She had so much to say to him but couldn't find the words, they all seemed meaningless. "Do you remember me?"

Her question made him grin although it was a far cry from that normally dazzling flyboy kind. "I could never forget you, Sarah… Mac." Gingerly, Harm extended an arm and reached out for her hand. Their fingers interwinded and they each pretended there wasn't that shock, the feeling that made his aching body feel warm and good. "How did you find me?"

"Honestly? I don't know...I felt like I was drowning. Saw waves crashing over me. I realized I was seeing you down to the most minute details… I felt the water in your boots, the cold. You were so cold."

"Hey, don't cry, I'm still here." He would have brushed the tears away if he could move but even shifting slightly made his body ache something awful. "You prayed with me. I heard your voice praying with me." Her eyes snapped to his then registering the shock of hearing him describe auch an intimate detail. "You reminded me how to say each verse over and over until the helo found me. You kept me alive, Mac and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to repay you for that."

She shook her head and swiped at the tears with her other hand. "Your being alive is enough."

"Not for me… C'mere." The hand clasped around hers pulled with a force that he was barely able to muster. It made Harm wince and hold his breath against the searing pain on his side. He let her go using that had to press into the battered ribs in an effort to stop them from hurting so badly.

"Are you okay?" She stood and hovered over him close enough that Harm could smell that perfume he liked on her so much. Her breath fanned over his skin and a hand absentmindedly touched the side of his face, caressing him in efforts to comfort and ease his pain.

"What were you doing?"

His eyes opened and a sheepish smile spread in his lips. Still holding his side he scooted over making a little space on his bed that she could fit into. "I'm making room."

"No. I can't."

The hand that had reached for her again dropped and he simply stared until realization hit - Mac wasn't his anymore. He made sure of that, pushed her into the arms of another and his heart sank a little. He swallowed, dropped his hand to the mattress as sadly watched as she backed away from him, the hand on his cheek slipping off as well. "It's because of him isn't it? Mario?"

The machine monitoring his blood pressure spiked for a moment and then normalized, the beeping echoed in the now silent room. Mac wouldn't look at him but that didn't stop his want to feel her close. He would let her go afterward if she desired and take what little comfort she was willing to offer him. "I'm sorry. I just…nevermind."

"You just want to be close to someone?" Mac understood, of course she did because she was the only one that ever figured out his deepest nuances, the things that made him tick. She may not enjoy being a part of his obsessions or witnessing how emotionally erratic they made him but, she knew when he needed comfort. Harm had that same look in his eye when they'd finally discovered his father's fate. He was asking for a connection that only she could give and so carefully Mac took off her heels and slipped into his bed, stopping as he winced at the sudden depression on the mattress. "Harm?"

"It's okay, Mac. Just hurts." His arm came across his body to hold the painful ribs as if that would stop them from aching. It was surprising how having her near made him feel better and he felt his body surrender into a deep deep sleep. Mac placed her head on his pillow and watched his eyes flutter closed because he just couldn't hold them open any longer. One of her arms draped over him and she ignored how well they fit together. A brush of her thumb over his hand made her feel more than she wanted to and clearly it had an affect on Harm as well for a moment later his eyes opened back up and he turned his head to look at her.

She was just so damned beautiful and he was the fool that pushed her away, let her go and now he had nothing to show for his idiotic efforts. Nothing but his broken heart and the woman that tormented his dreams; the same woman who saved him. His best friend. His former lover. The woman he was so in love with it hurt. Harm moved cautiously because he was scared that any sudden movements would pull her away. His hand came to the side of her face, palm pressing against her cheek so gently and yet he could feel her warmth. How could he ever think to let her go?

His eyes came down to her lips and the pink tongue that came across to moisten them. The memories of kissing her were always quite wonderful because she always kissed him back so fervently. Even their softest of kisses, the gentle pecks on the mouth lasted a little longer - she gave a little more. And he would sell his soul to feel that again. "I let you go. I'm so stupid."

"Harm." She closed her eyes when his thumb brushed over her cheek so soft and tender it made another tear spill out.

"I want to kiss you, Mac. I know I don't have a right to… you have him. But, I can't help it." Like a witch she'd cast some sort of magic over him and he was powerless to stop the strong emotions. He should have listened to her intently that day back in his apartment and let things be. They could have survived his deployment and he could have had more than the pain and anger.

His thumb brushed over her lower lip and because she didn't pull away from him Harm leaned in stopping a breath way from their lips touching. "Tell me to stop." Harm wouldn't be able to if she didn't.

"Kiss me." Her voice was so breathless. Her heart hammered against her chest. It was simple, a soft brush of his lips over hers and then he pulled away to find her eyes half lidded. And then he kissed her again this time lingering a bit longer. A third kiss and he caught her soft sigh. A fourth and she moved with him.

Harm only broke it off because he knew this was wrong, that she wasn't his anymore. And still he kissed her a fifth and six time, soft pecks on the corners of her lips. A seventh was a kiss to the tip of her nose. "Stop me, Mac."

"I don't want to." She leaned in and kissed him just as gently as he kissed her, ever mindful that he was injured and a sudden movement could cause distress.

"What about Mario?" Harm asked suddenly because no matter how much he loved her, taking her from another would be wrong. He wouldn't risk hurting her more than he had and so he sadly rested his forehead against hers.

She sighed heavily and that dark secret she'd fed him felt so childish. "I'm not with Mario. I never was."

"You lied to me?"

"Yes. I couldn't risk it. I was trying to get over you." Mac could tell her admission hurt but then, she was trying to protect her heart back then. "What about you and Jordan? I saw her with you."

"She came to check up on me. I'm not with Jordan and I don't want to be." His fingers began to trace the contours of her face again, remembering what it felt like to touch her, to hold her. "Oh Mac, I'll spend a lifetime groveling to be with you. I'm sorry."

"Do you still want to kiss me?" A sly grin spread on her lips and at his nod she leaned into him. "Just a kiss."

It wasn't passionate because Harm didn't have the strength for it but it was sweet and healing. At some point he'd lost count of how many times his lips touched her and Harm settled into a restful slumber with his Marine by his side. His hero.