Chapter 23 - Nothing To Fix But You.

Harm braced his hands on either side of the shower wall and lowered his head to the welcoming, hot stream of water. He remained that way for a moment or two letting his body relax after the slight panic attack from the water first hit his face.

Cautiously he tilted his head back and let the water claim him. He would beat this, he had to because the water wouldn't win, he wouldn't let it take him under. "Breathe, Rabb. You're okay. You're okay. Just breathe..." That was easier to remember when he wasn't alone and his thoughts and memories weren't amplified in the cold silence of his loft.

After Mac left he sat at the kitchen table for a long while reading through the various newspapers she'd brought for him until he found the courage to try and stand.

It hurt. Everything he did seemed to like hell. Breathing, coughing, laughing, standing, walking and he was frustrated that his ribs were reluctant to heal. He could move without assistance although his body still felt weak which required him to use the cane or grab onto something sturdy. His knee was another issue that would require physical therapy at some point and he wondered if he'd ever be able to bear weight on it again. Harm enjoyed running and physical activities, it kept him sane and the lack of it was frustrating.

At least there was one good thing about this whole predicament which he couldn't ignore, it felt good to have Mac take care of him. Although things were still shaky between them at the very least he had time to find ways of making it up to her. He liked having her around, loved how she touched him so gently when she cared for him last night. It was endearing that she cared enough to want to spend the night on the couch. Despite any discomfort, he needed her next to him, he slept better with Mac by his side.

He grabbed a towel and began to dry himself grinning at the thought of her rambling so nervously a day earlier. It was incredibly uncharacteristic and kind of sweet that he had her so off kilter when it was normally the other way around.

Harm didn't deserve her sweetness or kindness and knew she was still apprehensive about what would happen with them, if he would get better and race back to a carrier. He didn't want that life anymore, not if it meant months of never seeing her and that thought was jarring. All of the things he thought he believed in, all of the things he thought he knew were being scattered to the wind and it scared him. It terrified him to want to care so much for someone other than himself. Yet, he wanted to face that fear. He wanted to love her forever if she let him.

Damn, he had it bad for her and couldn't quite figure when she'd ingrained herself to being such an essential part of his life. Months at sea were boring without her unless he was in the cockpit. He missed their banter, the silly arguments, her laughter. And now she was at work and he was… here.

Bored.

Alone. She'd only been gone a little more than an hour and he already missed her. Damnit, he really was smitten. With a huff, he placed the towel over one shoulder and stepped out into his bedroom naked. There was no one there to mind his state of undress and this way he could do so casually while he tried to figure out what to wear that wouldn't require raising his arms.

But, he wasn't alone. A noise coming from the kitchen confirmed this which made him stop and listen to a female voice humming some 90s love song that he really didn't know the words to. It made him grin and also roll his eyes as he imagined Mac forgetting something and having to rush back to retrieve whatever it was.

"Missed me already?" He called out, his timbre amused if not slightly seductive. "I'm embarrassed to ask but, can you help me put a shirt on?" Harm couldn't see her through the louvered windows but heard the clicking of her pumps across the wooden floor as she made her way across the apartment. In retrospect, he probably should have covered up but then, the woman had seen him naked and even helped him dress the night before.

"There was a time when you preferred me taking your shirt off." The woman standing in front of him now also had seen him nude and for all of his bravado, Harm quickly took the towel from his shoulder, wincing even as he quickly used it to cover him. For once, he was at a loss for words because the woman dressed in Navy blues was most certainly not Mac and not someone he ever thought to find in his home ever again. "Oh my God."

The innocent flirting ceased when Jordan got a good look at his torso, the vast purple marks stretched across the left side of his body and the scar on his face. She gasped, unable to hold back her reaction as she moved forward in effort to help him. "I didn't realize it was this bad, Harm." God, now she felt like an ass especially given the way she'd interfere with visitors he likely needed to maintain his sanity.

She was surprised when he brushed her hand away, the one that was reaching up to the side of his face in effort to gauge how badly that scar would affect him moving forward. "Is it permanent?"

"I don't know." He stared at her dumbly, his brain trying to quickly assess what the hell had happened and how the hell she had gotten into his apartment. Maybe Mac left the door open? Maybe Mac had been right about his spare? Jordan knew where it was, it was one of the first secrets he'd shared when they began dating should she never want to slip into his place with him gone. He felt like an absolute idiot giving someone he'd only known for a few days that amount of trust but back then all he saw was a pretty girl that was fun to bed and easy to seduce and he wanted her around as much as possible.

Now… "I need to dress. Go wait for me in the living room."

"I can help you. Let me help you."

Harm swallowed back the bile that had risen and shook his head despite that begging quality to her voice that meant she wouldn't pose a threat. THis whole interaction looked bad given a multitude of reasons: his nakedness, her close proximity, his bedroom. All he could imagine was Mac walking in and… and… God, he didn't need that on top of everything else. "I said, wait for me in the living room."

His tone left little room for argument and carefully Jordan backed away turning without saying another word. She casually glanced back at him but Harm had already wrapped the towel around his waist.

It had taken him longer than usual to dress, partly because he was stalling for time although fundamentally he knew he needed to get Jordan out of there and fast. He wondered if he should even bring up the interaction with Mac and thought to better ignore the whole incident for a later time if never at all. He was with Mac now, sort of and having Jordan seeing him nude made Harm feel violated. She had no right to be there unannounced or walk around like she belonged there. That all was past tense and he wanted to keep it that way. He needed to keep it that way.

He was surprised to find Jordan in his kitchen making a fresh pot of coffee and sliding a mug his way when Harm propped himself up on a barstool. "You're quite a mess. I mean, I read the report but, it pales in comparison."

"Why are you here?" Despite himself he took a long drink of the hot liquid prepared just how he liked it - light on sugar, heavy on cream. He had to admit, Jordan's coffee was more his style while Mac's promised to wake the dead - the one different between Marines and Sailors he literally couldn't stomach.

"You're not happy to see a friend?"

No. He wasn't because they'd been lovers for a time. More than that, they dated for several months, he'd shared his obsessions, desires with her. It was easy to talk with Jordan and let his insecurities rest unlike with Mac whom he felt he needed to do better for. Maybe it was because he didn't directly work with Jordan like he had with Mac that forced him to hide his weaknesses. Maybe Jordan was that good at her job that he couldn't help but spill all of his little secrets.

"What are you doing here, Jordan? How did you get in?"

She pointed at the key resting at the edge of the island and pushed it towards him with one long "Your spare key, remember?" Off of his darkened look she shrugged and leaned against one of the counters offering a sad expression. "I knocked a few times and was worried something had happened to you." Jordan came around and watched him for a moment, the hooded irises that had darkened and seemed so unlike him. She found him turning a specific way so that she couldn't notice the scar but, of course she did as it marred the normally handsome face. "Does it hurt?"

He shook his head and took another long sip, wincing as the hot liquid bit the back of his throat. "Stings. Jordie, why are you here?"

The tension between them made the air thick and Harm was finding it hard to breathe. He flinched when her finger traced beneath the scar following it down and stopping at the corner of his lips. "Oh, Harm. I'm sorry."

His hand came up and gently took hers lowering it down and away from him. Harm didn't want her touching him, he didn't want to feel whatever the hell he currently was. He didn't love her and never would. "Jordan. Mac and me… we're an...us."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend?" She couldn't exactly hold back the sharp tone or the way her eyes squared as she stared at him. They couldn't have just simply made up, things didn't work that way and had counseled patients who have had trouble with far less. "She took you back?"

"Yes. Well, I don't know. I fucked up and need to fix things but, we're working on it. I want to work on it."

"Fix things?" His words made her laugh but it was without any kind of mirth. "Don't do that, Harm. Don't water yourself down for her, me or anyone."

"Water myself down?"

He actually had with her too, acquiescing to her every whim for a time despite neither of them really being happy in the relationship. Jordan wished she knew when the intensity to have him for herself became so paramount although she already knew. It revolved around the one woman she could never compete with: Mac. Even when they were hot and heavy, Harm would often bring up his partner in conversation.

At first it was endearing but, after a time it was like the third wheel in their relationship. She realized upon seeing one small interaction with the partners that the Marine was competition although the woman clearly didn't realize it. Or maybe she had and was just playing coy? It had changed Jordan who was normally confident in her femine wiles when it came to men. Which is why she verbally admitted to the Marine her insecurities, that Harm would want her only until Mac decided she did.

Damn if she were right. "You're a good man but your biggest defect is this incessant need to blame yourself for everything. You think you have to fix things, including yourself to be with someone else. When that doesn't work out, because it won't, you're at a loss. Stop being that guy. You don't always have to fix things."

"Why are you so angry?"

Jordan was angry because his Superhero complex had cost her losing him. "Because you're going to water yourself down for her." When he protested, Jordan placed a hand on his forearm. It was a gentle touch, simply to keep him interested in her. "What is she giving up for you? Mac has a better career now, she's a Lt. Colonel. You're a rank lower and I may not understand fully how the Navy works in your line of work but, going back to the carrier was a step down for you. Was it not?"

She was right and it was the one thing he really had no strength to think about - what followed next. Harm knew he wanted off the carrier although he wanted to keep his flight status current. He also wanted to go back to JAG because he was good at that job too and didn't want that to be yet another wasted talent. As much as he believed certain aspects of his life could be fixed, leaving the Navy was not an option he was willing to entertain. He was born to serve and only had to figure out at which capacity he could still wear the uniform and keep the girl.

"You don't have a rebuttal because it's true. Harm, I love you. I always will love you but you need to realize that your obsessions hurt women. It hurt me. It will hurt her too. And don't tell me you're willing to change, you fed me that line and look where it got us."

"Jordan."

"I don't want you back." She said suddenly and his eyes snapped up to meet hers with a look of complete shock. That's when Jordan realized she had slipped into his subconscious again. The arrogant, egotistical pilot who was accustomed to women throwing themselves at him. A woman he once had and used as he pleased now didn't want him. It hurt. She knew it hurt or at least bothered him to a degree. "This doesn't have to be awkward either. We can be friends."

"With an ex?" He scoffed knowing that was one of the biggest improbabilities of life. "Can people actually do that?"

"A few. People come and go out of our lives, it doesn't have to be awkward or spiteful or tragic." She took a thick manila envelope that was resting on the center of the th island and slid it his way. "I'll drop the conversation about your… whatever she is to you. I"m actually here on business."

Harm watched as she stood and walked over to the coat rack retrieving her jacket and purse. "That, my friend, presents a detailed plan about your recovery. The psychological part. I checked and this go around it's going to be long and extensive due to certain regs that changed since your last incident."

Incident? The ramp strike, Harm cringed at that. "Psyche? I'm not seeing a psychiatrist."

"Sorry, sailor but, the powers of be say you do if you ever want to get behind the stick of a jet ever again. I can make it easy for you though."

That had her full attention. He ripped open the envelope and pulled out the thick grouping of papers and leafed through them. "How?"

"I'll be your psychiatrist, make it painless.

He stared at her pointedly and tossed the papers on the stool next to him. "Out of the million and one reasons why this would be a bad idea…"

"Consider it a friend helping a friend."

"And why would you want to help me?"

She shrugged. "Because you're a good guy, Harm and who knows if I'll ever need legal help again? It's always good to have a friend who's a lawyer. Look, I promise, there's no catch here. I just want to help. Friends help friends."

Harm still wasn't buying the awkward suggestion but then, she already knew enough about him. There were very little truths to drag out, do damage to try to undo and maybe this time he could get over the mishap, the nightmares which he didn't want to burden Mac with in their precarious restart.

"Look, read the papers and give me a call. If not, let them assign someone to you who doesn't know you and will likely make your life a living hell. Oh, I forgot, you like doing things the hard way, don't you?"

He shook his head, the idea sounding better in his mind the more he thought about it. Harm knew what she liked and it wouldn't be difficult to have a few easy sessions if he brought her favorite donuts, coffee or pastry. Friends. Why couldn't he be friends with an ex? It wouldn't change what he felt for Mac. He would tell her, of course and she would understand. "When do we start?"