Chapter 24 - Therapy

Mac found herself swaying to the soft, instrumental jazz music wafting from his CD player. She was washing the dishes, her hands covered in sudsy water as she cleaned the pans and plates used to make dinner. She'd impressed him with a beautifuly delectable ratatouie dish she'd learned at one point or another. It was rather amusing to find Harm watching her every move, his desire to help thwarted a time or two as she'd smacked his hand away with a wood spoon.

It made him laugh which also made him wince and hold the left flank as his ribs reminded him to take things easy. And so he'd settled into the sofa reading through a few of her case files in effort to keep himself occupied and out of the kitchen.

A wonderful smell permeated his loft and he raised his brow in amusement once Mac chimed in that their meal was ready. The most beautiful multi-coloured dish spread itself across a thick pan and it made his mouth water instantly. While Mac wasn't a complete oaf in the kitchen, he didn't know this little secret about her as she was more content on ordering in than cooking. And damn could the woman cook, he found out once the first bite hit his tongue sending his senses into overdrive.

"Mmmm...wow." Had been his initial reaction and it made her heart flutter a little.

Now he was standing next to her, leaning against the cabinet as he put on a pot of coffee and dished two slices of strawberry cheesecake. He was happy she was there, glad to finally fill his loft with sounds of something more than silence and the thoughts that were wracking his brain.

Mac sensed something was wrong from the moment she returned and she questioned him on it, letting it go only because he'd asked her to.

As she worked on dinner, he tried to bury himself in the case file, bounce ideas that Mac would use to prepare a solid prosecution against Mattoni. The words blurred though because he was too busy thinking about the proverbial elephant he'd let stomp into the room. "Your obsessions hurt women. They hurt me. It will hurt her too."

Jordan's voice echoed in his mind mostly because she'd been right. He had hurt women. He had hurt Jordan and he had hurt Mac. Which was why he was stalling on telling her about Jordan's involvement, her suggestion to help him and make it… what was the term she used? Right! Painless.

Yes, painless. And he needed all the lack of pain he could find at the moment.

"We uh… we need to talk." He cringed as he said the words and she might have too because nothing good ever came from a statement like that. They sat side by side on his sofa each with a dessert plate.

Mac's hand had been raised, fork poised to slip a piece of cheesecake in her mouth when she stopped mid motion. Bile instantly rose in her throat and she wondered if that faint smell of woman's perfume would now come back to bite her in the butt. She hadn't called him on it because she didn't want the confrontation and now, she simply wanted the floor to swallow her whole. "Okay."

"I don't want to keep secrets from you, that's not how you start from the beginning."

"No it's not."

"And I care about you… a lot… a lot a lot… more than anyone else in my life and so I can't lie to you and I love you...I do so don't be mad and...I'm rambling." He stopped and took a breath placing his uneaten slice of cheesecake next to hers. With empty hands he then reached for the mug of coffee needing something to squeeze and hold because it felt therapeutic. "I need to attend therapy sessions. It's pretty standard during these mishaps."

She nodded slowly. "I agree with that. No matter how big or strong you are, it was a traumatic experience. Don't try to get out of it. I can listen to you talk, be a shoulder if you need it but…"

"Jordan offered." Harm blurted out suddenly and almost wished he hadn't when Mac's eyes snapped towards him wide and shocked. He saw her mouth open and close but words wouldn't come out and he wondered if this was the moment he would feel another crack of her hand against his cheek.

But Mac didn't simply sat and stared at Harm as if he'd lost his ever loving mind. And maybe he had or maybe he was desperate to not open himself up to anyone but the woman sitting across from him now. Jordan he knew how to control. "I just want to get it over and done with. I'm sure she just scribbled on a piece of paper that I'm okay. It'll be painless… She just wants to help. She knows enough about me to help and keep it painless."

She swallowed down hard, thick saliva sticking to her throat which now felt like sandpaper. Mac tried to make sense of what he was saying and figured that maybe the mishap had caused his brain to rattle a bit more that they thought. "You dated. Not just dated… you slept with her. You slept with her and she was your girlfriend. Isn't that a conflict of interest, somewhere?"

Of course she'd come at him with a lawyer's mind and he was prepared for it to make his case and make her realize that Jordan was not a threat. "I'm sure there's an ethical breach but…"

"Your ex wants to help you out?" At that she felt a flush of anger as the heat rose from her neck tainting her cheeks crimson. Mac stood and took several steps away from him. "That's whose perfume I smelled when I walked in wasn't it?" She didn't want to sound accusatory and yet that was exactly how it came out.

"I don't love her, Mac. I don't want to be with her either. I love you. I want you and part of fixing things starts with fixing me enough to stay in the Navy. I need to see someone and it has to appear on my records as SOP." He watched her pace and wondered how far back his little admission had set them.

"Jordan came by to drop off the paperwork. It's not set in stone yet but, I need you to trust me. Trust that I'm making the right choice."

"What if you're not?" That strong feeling of hatred bubbled itself to the surface as uncontrollable as it had months earlier when Mac sat at his desk and the blonde's picture started back at her. She disliked Jordan then, a steely feeling of distrust and just plain ill will that Mac couldn't shake. Now it resonated in her tenfold especially given the conversation the women would have in McMurphy's, the open jealousy on Jordan's part.

"Do you trust me?"

Did she? Mac wasn't sure and that hurt her deeply. She wanted to trust him but, he'd let her down, he'd left her and that was something she couldn't quite shake. "I don't know."

"Ouch."

"What did you expect me to say? Did you expect me to lie to you? I won't. I don't trust her. I don't trust that she won't screw with your brain and… and…" She trailed off on a sigh, the kind that sounded like the air had been forcefully pulled from her lungs. Mac's head dipped down and she struggled to find the right words to articulate that this was not just some stupid feeling of jealousy. "What if it breaks us apart for good this time?"

"That won't happen." Although it had been at Jordan's suggestion that he split with Mac before joining a squadron. He shook that thought off and vowed never to let anyone come between them again even if that included himself. "Trust that it will be alright."

"I can't. Too many people have let me down before including you." That reminder made his heart ache but Harm knew it was true, he had hurt her. He had left her.

"Mac…"

"No, Harm. I don't want her coming anywhere near you." Jesus did her words sound petty and petulant like a child refusing to give up her favorite toy. But every bad feeling she had over the other woman manifested itself that very moment and Mac cursed herself for not telling him sooner.

She'd seen it so many months ago when he'd original come to her seeking help over a bad argument he had with Jordan. Stupidly, she sent him back to her insisting it was the move of a good friend. Her head came up to find him starting with a sad expression. This was hardly a decision he made lightly and the fact that it made him apprehensive to talk to her spoke volumes.

A breath came out of her, long and calming as Mac reclaimed her bearings. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"You're supposed to be healing, not having me yell at you. I don't wanna fight with you."

"Maybe I deserve it?" He grinned, that cute half flyboy smile that made her want to kiss him.

"You probably do." She rolled her eyes at him and then settled next to him again, their shoulders touching softly. "I don't like Jordan, never have. I won't give you my blessing but I won't try to stop you either...Damn you for making sound like...like…"

"Like?"

"Like a girl." Mac huffed lightly smacking his thigh when he chuckled.

"Well, you are a girl. A pretty cute one at that. And if you dislike Jordan so much, I'll find another way but you may have to put up with a few therapy sessions with her until I find someone new."

"I can deal with that but, please see someone that will really treat you."

He tucked a stray hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek. "Maybe I only want to talk to you."

"I'm not a therapist."

"No." He agreed while picking up her plate and feeding Mac the bite she'd abandoned. "But you're my therapy. You make me feel good, invincible...Now open up."

She opened her mouth, lips encircling the cutlery never knowing he was watching her intently. His thumb dabbled the sour cream still on the edge of her mouth, rubbing it across Mac's lower lip so that he tasted the tart along the sweet when he leaned in and kissed her.

And then he winced, eliciting a chuckle from her as he leaned back and clutched his side. "Love hurts sometimes."

You bought a Corvette?" Harm stood outside of his apartment door staring at the brand new cherry red Chevy parked outside. The car was beautiful with his top down and the shiny paint glistening in the sunlight. "When?"

Mac grinned. "When you bought the Lexus. You were in California and the dealer suckered me into it. She's lovely isn't she?"

"Gorgeous like it's owner." He slid into the passenger seat and marveled at that new car smell, the unique piping on the interior and the feel of the soft leather seats. As much as he loved his classic Corvette, this newer one was quite stunning. "Stick?"

Mac slid behind the driver's seat and put the car in gear flawlessly even in heels. "Yep. It's a sports car, manual only made sense." She pulled away from his apartment casually glancing over to fine Harm running his hand over the dashboard looking like a kid at a candy shop.

"Can I drive her sometime?"

She laughed, that took longer than she thought as Mac expected him to ask for the keys almost immediately. His restraint surprised her and she laughed harder when she said "Nope" and he stared at her with a pouty look.

"No? Oh c'mon Mac… Let me show you what she could really do." He quirked a brow up and dipped his voice to that sexy, bedroom timbre that could make her shiver.

It had its effect, made her slip a gear and he plastered that full wattage flyboy grin. "Okay but, under one condition." She came to a stop and turned to him, the hand on the gearshift dropping down to his thigh which she squeezed suggestively.

"Anything."

"You get to drive her when you take me away for a weekend. Some place up north away from Washington."

Oh he liked the sound of that, the promise of a night in her arms doing a little more than just sleeping. "A bed and breakfast on the coast?"

"Mmm...I could be persuaded, yes."

"Let me make it through all of these appointments and the review board and you got a deal." They shook on it.

One session, maybe three is what Harm found he would have to endure with Jordan before he was transferred to someone else. He was banking on being painless, promised Mac not to talk about them.

Why did painless also mean awkward? Which was the way rye former lovers sat across from each other - Harm on a sofa, Jordan on a plush chair. He expected her to sit behind her desk because in all of the time they dated that's where he usually found her when he made surprise visits to Bethesda.

Harm nervously looking around the room, muted earth tones and relaxing picture3 of nature adorned the walls. He felt anything but relaxed and as he glanced up at the psychiatrist, the feeling of running was prevalent. "You could just jot down that I'm fine. Because I am...fine that is."

"Mmm. No nightmares?"

"No." He lied.

"No backflashes."

"None at all." Another lie and not one that easily convinced the good doctor. "What? I'm okay really."

Jordan simply shook her head. She'd made it a habit to not roll her eyes and at least make it look like they were never involved. He'd come in dressed in civies, a dress shirt and slacks. The shirt had the two top buttons popped open and she wondered if the skin of his neck still tasted the same. Did the mishap cause other physical issues? Secretly she hoped so because that homewrecking whore of a Marine didn't deserve him. "You're not fine. You're not okay, I can tell by the dark circles under your eyes and your pallor. And that's okay. I'm here to help."

"You said painless."

"Yes, painless not a free ride. I'd be remiss as a professional if I let you go back and something happens."

"Oh please." He rolled his eyes.

"My license would be on the line, would it not?" She smiled when he didn't argue or cajole simply sat there with his hands folded on his lap. "How's Mac?"

"Good, I think...We're taking it slow."

"Slow?"

Harm knew he probably shouldn't be detailing his relationship with the Marine but it was done with a purpose - to let the other woman know he was unavailable should she have any inklings to want him back. "Dating. Well as much as you can date someone you're practically living with. Heh."

"Oh, she moved in?" Now that was news. "You two are definitely unconventional."

"Jordan." Harm warned. "And no, she's only staying with me while I convalesce."

"Oh. That's nice." She jotted a few things on a notepad and then looked at him. The man had the most intriguing expression, silently judging her with. It made her place the pen on the notepad and simply stare at him. "I'm not jealous, if that's what you think."

"Oh no? That isn't why she's the first thing you brought up?"

Off his comment she chuckled dryly, finally rolling her eyes at him. "God, your ego. I'm surprised a woman like Mac can stand you. Not to be offensive but, you'd be surprised how easy it was to get over you."

Harm squared his eyes pretending her words did not bother him while they did. He was easy to get over? Yes, his ego took a blow from that and he didn't enjoy how that made him feel so inadequate.

"Besides I'm seeing someone." She lied and bit back a smile when his eyes widened as his ego took another hit. "Anyway...I hope Mac is letting you rest."

"I'm not here to talk about Mac.

"Can you honestly talk about any facet of your life and not being her up?" He opened his mouth to say something but the words died on a heavy sigh. "Harm, You brought her up constantly when we were together...she was like the third wheel…Or maybe I was?"

He didn't deny it because it was true. When Jordan slept in his arms, he thought of Mac. When he was inside of Jordan, he thought of Mac. There had been a time where he couldn't spend much time with his girlfriend without thinking about his partner or comparing the two. "I'm sorryI hurt you...she just...we…"

Jordan waved him off. "I'm just afraid she's your new obsession that you'll tire of sooner or later."

Obsession? No, it was far more than that. ""Mac isn't an obsession...she's...I love her..and i mean it Jordan lay off Mac..that subject is off limits."

"Okay." For now. She flipped a page on the notebook and took the pen again. "The mishap. How did it happen." She would play the good doctor for now.