Sometime In Another Life

by jcllvd

Levi reflects on his memories with you after your death.

3rd POV

You're the only one who can save them." You whispered quietly, shaking your head at the man above you. Despite his height, you somehow found yourself shorter than him and it was shocking to not only him but everyone else as well. To say you were in a relationship was a stretch... but you definitely acted like it and people (people meaning the rest of the Levi squad) were beginning to catch on. Even in a time like this, the only expression you were able to make out on Levi's face was apathy. That wasn't to say it was obvious he was feeling the opposite. The both of you lay in the open fields of Wall Maria, in the middle of an expedition with many other squads. You had lost your horse, fell to the ground and your leg had broken upon collision with a large rock. Seeing you with a broken leg, laying on the ground with scratched up clothes and no protection definitely got him riled up. But now you both had a problem. There was one horse. Armin and Jean lay a few hundred feet away from you, defenseless on the ground. Armin waved around his blade desperately, a titan slowly approaching the two. He didn't want to be eaten, and neither did you. But again, only Levi's horse remained out of all of you, Jean was unconscious, Armin desperate and you had a broken leg. "Listen there are no titans right now so you have to go save them before it's too late!!!" Your voice shook with worry, seeing the titan near your friends even more.

Levi looked over at them for a moment and then back at your concerned expression. A scowl smeared across his face before he jumped onto his horse.

"I'm coming back for you...!" he grinded his teeth, anxiety also beginning to bloom behind his irises. "So just stay put!!!" Before he left, he gave you a look. Surely something he hoped would convey a message. Yet you couldn't seem to decipher it. The shorter man booked it for his comrades and hooked his gear onto the titan, swung himself upwards and expertly sliced the thing's nape open. He landed perfectly on the grass, the titan falling to the ground behind him. Armin began crying, tears pouring endlessly down his cheeks. Levi helped lift him and Jean, leaving them on his horse and adjusting them all to fit.

THUMP

THUMP

It was expected. There was only so much you could do with a broken leg. You bet even Armin who watched from a distance wasn't surprised to watch a 15ft titan step right up to you. Levi's eyes shot wide open. Wider than you'd seen them in a long time. He turned, eyes narrowing at the creature with long black hair. It's eyes slowly wandered to your thin frame and you shuddered, grossly dull pupils digging into your soul as your life nearly flashed before you. And yet, you found yourself smiling. Smiling at the irony of it all. You, one of the strongest members and Levi's (nearly) lover were pathetically on the floor, huffing in exhaustion as a titan waltzed up to you as if it had not a thing better to do. You chuckled lowly, hearing Levi's deep call of your name. You turned in his direction. His horse was running in your direction the fastest you'd ever seen the poor thing go. Levi's eyes dripped with salty liquid as he watched the titan lift you. You too, found that you were crying, knowing you would never see him again. To think this was how you died...? Maybe it could've been a bit more heroic.

You were, in all honesty, surprised when you did in fact find your memories appearing in your spinning head.

2 months prior to The 57th Expedition outside of the walls

"What do you want?" Levi huffed, turning to your pouting face.

"Do you just not care!?" You complained, rubbing your wrist from the grip of a man from a while before. Levi clearly scowled, not hiding his frustration as well as he could. Nor did he want to.

"It's none of my business, you brat. I don't feel like talking to you." It was true. He didn't want to see your face. Not while the fact stood that he felt he would go insane if he did.

"What do you mean? A guy was just harassing me so you really think it's none of your business!?" He didn't know exactly what had happened because he didn't stay long enough to see. Of course, he had assumed that you were just hooking up with a guy as all young people do. He didn't care what happened because he did not want to know. But the problem was, you weren't that young. Both of you held intense feelings for each other and he knew that fact. But he just wouldn't put in any effort for some reason.

"I didn't see what happened and I don't care. I told you I don't want to talk to you so leave me alone. Go talk to that man or something as long as it's not me." You frowned, hurt pinching at your heart. Looking down, you nodded. There wasn't much you could do in this situation; not when he was in this mood. You knew he was annoyed at the fact you were with him but he could at least look at you, right? If not any other time, now. You needed it more than he knew.

"I don't know if you want to say that..." Jean's voice taunted. Levi and you both looked over at Jean and Sasha who stood casually together at a table nearby.

"What do you brats want? You're getting on my nerves." Levi repeated. He sipped some of his coffee, rolling his eyes and looking away. Sasha snickered and stole a empathetic glance at you. You looked away, trying to tell her not to say anything about the things your lover did not know. Things he did not need nor want to know. Things the man had done that maybe should have just not been brought up. Jean glared at the older man on the bar stool.

"Yeah, he wasn't just flirting with her!" Sasha shouted, gaining the undivided attention of your captain. You turned abruptly and walked over to Sasha, your anxiety beginning to fabricate.

"What?" Levi spoke quietly, turning his head to his squad members.

"Did you really not see? The idiot had his hands all over her!!" Jean continued for Sasha, pushing your hand away from his mouth in your attempt to shut him up.

"Oi what the fuck is wrong with you!?" You shouted, clearly angry that they would have told him without your consent. "I told you to keep your mouths shut, bastards!!!"

"If that's true why didn't you stop him!?" Levi yelled, standing up and glaring at the two rascals beside you. Both ran off, intimidated by the strongest member of the scouts. "Why didn't you tell me?" He growled.

"Oh give me a break..." you scoffed, looking away in annoyance with his attitude. "You sure have quite the fucking ego for someone so short." You glared at him, he instantly returned it fiercely before gripping your wrist and yanking you away from the area. "What the fuck do you want!? You said to leave you alone but your actions contradict that, you pipsqueak!!!" You wiggled you're arm, trying to escape his grip, which tightened around your skin. "Stop!!" You scowled, feeling your arm begin to ache. "Th-that hurts..." his hand landed on your waist before he pulled you into his chest and pressed his lips against your own. You gasped lightly, feeling his rough tongue invade your mouth and his teeth nip at your lips. After a minute or two of this, he pulled away and reached into a pocket in his uniform. Out came a small hair clip. The oddly familiar colors of red and black appeared to you on the small thing before realization hit you and your face combusted into hundreds of hues of red.

"Remember this?" He teased, trailing a finger down your neck and into the small pocket of your cleavage. Light trembling broke out under your pale skin as his fingers danced on your shoulders, hands, legs, stomach and face. "Because I definitely do." He kissed the skin behind your ear.

"Shut up. Asshole..." you pouted, attempting to snatch away the clip before he pulled it away and hid in his pocket once more.

"That night was magical, kid." You moaned when his teeth grazed your ear. "I say we recreate that scene. Are you okay with that?" He questioned, a hand bringing your thigh up to his waist.

"You're only saying that because you're upset that I was talking to another guy..." he glared at you, a look you didn't expect coming from him. The one anyone would give if they couldn't come up with an excuse. That was what hurt the most.

~

"Would you look at me for a second, you brat? You won't even let me speak." Levi scowled, trying to place a hand against your cheek before it was slapped away by your smaller one.

"I-it's fine!!!!" You yelled abruptly, mere seconds after he finished his sentence. "Why should you have to explain to me!? It doesn't matter since we aren't in a relationship!!!" His face contorted with an expression that teetered on the edge of both hurt and annoyed. Forcefully grabbing a hold on the supple skin of your face, he pulled your head to meet his eyes. Seeing that tears spilled from you lids sent a type of hurt he didn't know existed through his heart. Knowing he was the cause of your pain.

"Are you breaking up with me??" He continued, his voice shaking as he attempted to conceal the yell that threatened his throat. The words made you tear up. Even though they didn't exactly make sense. You decided the best option was not to respond. "Well!!???" He yelled finally, his eyes squinting with held back pain. He bit his lip, as he watched your eyes drop. "Why?" He hushed again, removing his hand from your face. "For such a stupid reason." His hurt expression turned to shock and disbelief.

"I told you. Being with other girls doesn't matter because we aren't in a relationship." He shuddered, aches spreading in waves from his body.

"Why can't you understand!?" He grabbed one of your hands and laced his fingers with yours, pulling you farther in. "I never once did the things your accusing me of...! Why on fucking Earth would I ever flirt with other women or invite them for a night when I have you here? When... when I have you here to do that, I don't need them. Are you really going to claim that I do these things because of a fucking rumour!!??"

~

"Thank you."

"You're noisy, kid." His deep, musky voice spoke.

"You're lucky I even agreed to this. Be nice."

"I'm the lucky one?" He scoffed, clearly rolling his eyes. No matter how much it hurt. If it meant you were able to stay by his side, you would put up with it forever and ever. After your first passionate night with him, you sat at opposite sides of the bed. You both planned on continuing like this. But the problem was that he had no idea how much it broke you down.

"You're right." He turned to you, staring at the deep bruises under your tired eyes. "Sorry, I forgot." It seemed that at that very moment, a bit of the wall you had been breaking down formed back up again. And in return, a piece of your heart chipped. And it hurt. If you asked him now, Levi would not for a single second be able to explain to you why he had ignored you. Ignored the fact that he knew how his words made you feel. Ignored the way you slouched a bit more, your eyes lost light or how your lips trembled. Especially not with the way he also know he felt for you. There are just things you can never know.

~

"Fat bitch." Another comment. One after another from the group of girls who, for some reason, followed you around just to humiliate and insult you. 'Ignore then' he had said, not giving a second thought to the way his fan girls treated you because they were jealous. Although you knew such comments weren't true, you couldn't stop them from getting to you. "Come on you should have a family by now but of course no one would want you. I'm not surprised, frankly. Imagine raising children with a pig?" And somehow, your last bit of resolve shattered. It felt like pouring hot water over a burn.

Although it wasn't like you intended to die 'heroically' anyways. At least the written letter wasn't going to go to waste. You jut had to hope he saw it. And took the time out of his day to read the death note you had left for him and him alone. Levi's voice screeched in the background, witnessing the titan place you into it's mouth. You closed you eyes, thinking that maybe your death could be overlooked as just another casualty during the attempt to reclaim Wall Maria. And finally, your last thoughts were of whether the next life would be less painful than the current one. As the titan's teeth bit straight through your stomach, you sobbed in frustration with everything. From the dust on the wall to the universe itself.

Maybe had I just... lived a normal life, I wouldn't be here. Maybe then,

I would be happy.

~~~

The crowd chattered quietly among themselves, watching another day of the Scouts returning from a mission. Even if this one had confirmed the return of the outer wall, what it costed might not have even been worth it in the eyes of too many. Others, almost everyone, was crying or on the verge of tears. That was besides Levi who refused to do so in front of everyone around him. He ignored the deathly guilty apologies of Armin and Jean who sat on the back of the carriage. He knew it wasn't their fault. He knew. Your death was something that was unexpected yet still traumatizing. The smile on your crying face just before the titan finished you off was enough to make any grown man break down into a pile of pitiful sobs. But he kept it together. At least until they reached the base. That was when he decided to leave. He made sure the injured among the new years got the treatment they needed and began on his way out. Not a single word spilled from his lips, not even when Armin grabbed his arm and gave him the look. He wouldn't have to explain it. It was a look that either everyone on the planet knew or simply a select few understood. But he shook him off with lifeless eyes. Even the pitiful looks given to him by the scouts made him angrier— or rather, more upset. The first place that came to mind was your apartment. It was the first place his feet carried him before he was able to decide for himself, much less protest. I mean, who could blame him? A death like this was a big deal. And would harm not only the scouts performance, but their resolves, hearts and members greatly.

Quicker than he had hoped, Levi found himself glued to the steps of your apartment, the dark bruises under his exhausted eyes seeming to growing by the minute. He couldn't bring himself to believe the situation he was in and much less even move from the spot he stood. It felt as though hundred pound weights had dropped under the skin of his heels. "What am I doing here?" He whispered, voice cracking from the lump deep in his throat. He refused to walk a mile to come here just to leave and look like an idiot. It seemed he didn't understand how the public knew what he felt. How those around him understood that he desired a break from everything so badly. How everyone knew what he was going through at the time and how they all wanted to console him. But the only person who had the competence to complete that task was you. However, again, you were a part of his crumbling life, no longer. Moreover, it pained him to know that the look on your features during your last moments was not of someone who rejected death. And let alone the look of someone who feared it.

He willed himself inside, finding that every step he took built up the apprehensive feeling in the pit of his stomach. Once inside, the first thing he saw was a mirror. As you had placed in front of the door as a joke but never took down. He noted the ashen skin of his face and how it contrasted well (in a bad way) with the bags under his eyes.

Walking through your cold, lifeless home, he remembered all the times he shared with you. All the moments he felt as though his heart would jump out of his chest from excitement. And the comfort sweater he found on your bed nearly broke him. He picked the soft piece of fabric up and the moment he observed the light smell of perfume emitting from it, tears spilled down his cheeks. A small sob escaped his throat before he gripped it tighter and lightly placed it against his cheek, sitting on your bed.

(I'm gonna write a bit right here for detail you can skip if you want)

The perfume that did remain on your clothing was so painfully nostalgic that it could make anyone throw up. That smell would soon be gone. Never to appear in this world again. Not the mixture of body warmth and vanilla flowers. He felt the space you secretly held in his heart begin to shatter and crumble into a million pieces. A new hole widening painfully inside of him. He ran a hand through his hair, regretting it immediately after when the memories of you playing with his locks flashed through his brain. At this point he wasn't surprised. Everything reminded him of you. From the things he consumed to the things he saw, he regretted it all. So profusely that he wanted to drop to the floor and wait until he died out. And at the point where he was, he just felt like sleeping. Sleeping. Sleeping was the only other thing on his nearly empty mind. Yet his thoughts were full.

(This is the end of the details)

"Are you afraid?" Levi asked you, noticing the shivering your body made behind him. As he sat on the floor and you in your couch, playing with his hair, he felt a great deal of happiness. But he wouldn't tell you that. Not when he could keep things the way they were without the risk of potential rejection. The one thing he didn't know at the time was how much every wrong move from everyone around you, broke you down a little more.

"A little bit." You bit your lip and watched as he stood and pushed you aside, sitting on the couch and then pulling you into his chest and lap. He stroked your head, ignoring the urge to kiss your forehead. Although it didn't seem that way, forehead kisses (are) seen as a form of deep affection for another. So instead he kissed your lips. You kissed back, not realizing he knew your enthusiasm was depleting every time you did in fact share a loving moment. However, he decided to ignore it again and kissed with the excitement you lacked for you. He ignored everything. And he regretted it in the end.

"You're safe. It's just a bit dark." He assured you. Sighing out in bliss.

"Levi."

"Yeah what is it, kid?"

"Please. No matter what comes up in life. No matter who you lose. No matter how unfair it feels. Keep pushing. Keep trying. For me...?"

"You sound like your about to cry."

"Do I...? Haha my bad..." you sniffed away the tears, running your slim digits down the smooth skin of his neck. "I love you." Levi immediately jolted forward, causing you to fall to the floor. You groaned lightly, an ache building on your butt.

"What did you say?" You froze, realizing what it was that had recklessly slipped from your mouth.

"I-... I can... I can explain..." you weren't sure of the look on his face. It wasn't one you were exactly familiar with. Disgust? Hate? Shock? Annoyance? Pity? Tears welled up in your eyes as he stared into your pupils. "It's not what you think...! I got carried away!!"

"You..." he stood, towering over you on the floor.

"I'm sorry!! I didn't mean it!!! I promise!!!" He extended an arm, reaching for you as he knelt down. Raising your arms to shield yourself, you squeaked. And then realized the second mistake you had made in a single minute. Levi stopped dead in his tracks, pulling back his arm as you scooted farther away.

"What are you doing? Why are you doing that??" A tear rolled down your cheek. "Did you really think... that I would hit you???" When you hushed, a wave of pain washed through him like a storm. His eyes flickered. "First you say something like that and now... why?" Panic shot through you as he grabbed your wrist tightly. Maybe it was because of the look in his eye. It was something that told you you should leave as soon as possible. That he felt hostile. Your eyes glanced at your arm for a moment before you veered back to him. "Stop giving me those looks." You flinched at his sudden tone, nodding slowly and willing yourself to calm down. "You said... you said you love me?" His voice gradually stilled. Even though he had only repeated your sentence, hearing it carry with his voice hit you completely differently.

"I-... did-" his arms nearly immediately wrapped around you and pulled you tightly to his hard chest. "What..? What...?? What!??" He ran a hand through your hair and placed his lips against your ear. "What!? What!? What is it!!??"

"Did you mean it?" He whispered. Another tear fell and landed below you on his temple. You didn't know if you should have said what you did. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe you should have stayed silent. But the only thing your mind was telling you to do was...

"Yes." His lips collided with yours once more. It was simple. There wasn't much more than love making for the rest of the night. And although he didn't say it, that was Levi's way of conveying his emotions without words. Because that wasn't exactly his specialty. The problem was that he didn't know if you understood that. He didn't know if you knew what he felt. He shook it off.

Your desk. That's where he now sat. Your bed may have been the one thing he didn't want to observe. Memories of nights together wasn't going to help cope with the aching pain in his chest. So he hoped anything else would. The one thing he hadn't expected to find, nor wanted to find was a note. And oh god he already knew what he was in for. He already fucking knew how much he was going to scream if he read it. With that knowledge, he peeled off the wax and unfolded the paper. He eyes glazed over upon reading the content. Maybe the last thing on the very planet he wanted to ever hear was all right there in front of him.

To: Levi, the love of my life

One day before the 57th expedition outside of the walls.

Dear Levi,

I hope you find yourself well reading this. Although now that I think about it, if you are in fact reading this, it means you are not. And that I am also no longer apart of this world. There are just a few things I want to share with you before leaving. Things I know I wouldn't be able to tell you face to face for a number of different reasons.

First, I am sorry. If I'm lucky, you'll care enough about me to have gotten to this point in the letter. If you have, I apologize. For leaving you. I know how hard it is for you having lost the amount of people you have. I guess I'm not helping with that anymore. Yet, I have decide that I'll be gone by the time you read this. I want to apologize profusely for everything I have put you through that made your life worse.

Second, you made me happy. Nearly everything you did made me happy beyond belief. The way you cared for me, the way you made love to me, the way you kissed me, the way you looked at me. It was all perfect. It made me the happiest girl in the world to be by your side. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the same.

Third, there are reasons for this. There were things you didn't know about. Things your fans said, things others did, things I heard. Things that you said and did. Yet you knew of none of it. It was difficult being around you when you made me so happy, but at the same time so hopeless. But I can't tell you. Because maybe-... maybe there are things you don't need to know.

Fourth, I want you to know that I loved you. I loved you so much that it hurts. I think about you every day. Before bed, my last thought is you. In the morning I think of you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much I don't know how to express it. Yet it is another thing I cannot tell you about. Because if I did, I would simply be embarrassing myself. Yet the love I hold for you is so unrealistically painful. Repeatedly telling you that I love you all the while you ignored me was too hurtful. I couldn't stand it. I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel the way you did for me.

Fifth, I want to thank you. You gave me so much more than you know. I would never in a lifetime be able to repay you. And Levi, I am so so sorry that I was unable to give you the same. I wish so badly that I could have. I wish so badly I could have put a cute pink blush on your face some other time rather than just in bed. I wish so badly I could make your heart pound like a drum some time that was not when we slept together. I wish I could have made you smile the way you made me smile for the smallest things. I wish you would look at me the way you did Hange. It pains me to know I was not enough for such simple tasks that you seemed to excel at.

Sixth. I want you to move on, Levi. Find someone who can do all the things I couldn't. Find someone who was able to make you smile the way Hange did while we were together. Find someone who has what I lacked and more. Someone who makes you think 'Wow, I love this person with everything I have'. Someone that wasn't as shitty as me.

Someone that gets you to say 'I love you'.

Someone better.

Finally, I want to bid you a farewell. To you and only you, Levi. The absolute number one love of my life and so much more. I had the best time of my life during everything I did with you. Forget about me. I hope the rest of your life is absolutely the best it can be. I hope you don't regret things. I hope you fall in love. I hope you are happy.

Sincerely, your one and only~

Tears began soaking the warm paper in Levi's trembling hands. He placed it to the side with its rightful envelope and rested his head on the table. "GOD DAMN IT!!!!! WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY!!?!?!?!?" His voice nearly shook your colder apartment."Why did you do it?" He questioned to the lonely air, tears endlessly cascading down his pale skin. "Why didn't you tell me damn it!!!???? I would have changed. I would have done things different. Why did you fuck me over?" Without another sound, he lay there for hours, not moving an inch. Rethinking his every word. His every breath. Rethinking every possible situation that could have made things better.

knock

knock

A gentle hand against the wood of your apartment echoed blankly through Levi's ears. Eren entered, immediately spotting Levi slouched over at your desk.

"Hey." He began, not receiving a response for many minutes. "If it makes anything better, she loved you more than you do her." Levi glared at Eren and didn't bother trying to cover up the misery painted on his face.

"What the fuck could you possibly want from me right now, Jaeger?" He hissed.

"I can't say I know how you feel because I don't."

"Of course you don't, fuckwad. She was barely a part of your life. She meant so much more to me... than I could ever put into words. And I fucked up the whole thing. Without even fucking knowing it. She didn't tell me a thing about it. She just watched as I killed her. Slowly. And dealt with it until she couldn't anymore. And the entire time. I was clueless. Completely and utterly clueless about how she felt."

"I'm not really good with comforting... but... you'll find someone new later. I know it."

"Don't you get it? There is no 'later'. There isn't 'someone new'. She was the end. There's no one else anymore. I don't even want to move on. I want this feeling forever."

"Well you have to eventually."

"No I don't. I don't want anyone but her. And since she's gone, I don't want anyone else. I'm done with love. I don't care anymore."

"You can rant, you know. I don't mind." Eren suggested. Levi gave him a look and put his head down.

(Warning: corny, cheesy shit. It's really OOC for Levi. Skip if you want.)

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me about her. You have to do it to someone. So it might as well be me."

"She was everything. Nothing mattered when she was around. She gave me everything. Everything was incomparable to everyone else because it was her. She was the one for me. Oh god, I loved her so much. I loved her so profusely that I want to throw up. It hurts so much to know she thought she wasn't good enough. And because of me, she accepted death. And even planned out how she would meet her end. She knew everything and she didn't tell me jack shit. She didn't tell me that she didn't know I loved her. She didn't tell me how much those girls words hurt her. She didn't tell me it bothered her to see me talk to Hange. She didn't tell me how much she cared for me or loved me. She didn't tell me that she felt inferior and unimportant. She didn't tell me how hurt she was. She didn't tell me how the times we spent together every fucking night hurt her. She didn't tell me that she wanted more. She didn't tell me she wanted me to change. I would have done it. I would have done it all and yet she didn't tell me. And it's my fault for not realizing. It's my fault for not giving her what she needed in order to keep herself alive. It's my fault for making her feel the way she did. It's my fault for ignoring the way she felt and not confronting her. I should have said something. I should have done more. I should have told her that I love her. I should have told her she was more than enough. I should have told her that she made me happy too. But she didn't know any of it because I was too fucking clueless to get the hint. I ignored every single sign she gave me. I didn't think twice about it. I made her feel like shit. I made her feel near worthless. It's my fault for being the densest piece of crap the planet has to offer." Eren didn't speak, thinking it was not his time.

"But I fucked it up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading!! I hope you enjoyed!! :D (this was not edited, please excuse the typos and mistakes)