Getting close to wrapping this one up.

So this chapter, I like the first part the second I was back and forth about what to do.
Kinda felt like they should spilt but, they already had once, I don't think Harm is stupid to let it happen again.

Thank you for the reviews!
I have another big story in the works that I am super excited to post - sadly, after that one it may be the end of me writing JAG. I am out of ideas but will go back to finish some that are hanging around undone before hanging it up. I've had some concepts for stories but they have wound up as chapters for this one or Feeling of Falling so there's that. Never thought I would get back to doing these but, I think every story has been told from my end.

Anyway,enjoy!

Chapter 29 - Doubts

Lt Commander Jordan Parker loved Wednesdays. It was her "catch up" day where she limited patient visits until the afternoon so she could freely work on charts. At least half a dozen commanding officers were waiting for a verdict on their subordinate's treatment plans and about ten charts required additional details or notes.

One such chart was her assessment of a USMC pilot. She rolled her eyes as she thought of the likeness between the Marine and another - former - patient of hers. They were all obsessed with their planes. All terrified to never return to an air wing. With the zillion or so jobs in the military, she didn't see the allure or the need for reckless endangerment. Sure, pilots were sexy - adorable with that boyish, arrogant charm - but, dating or marrying one wasn't how she intended on building her future.

She took a sip from the piping hot mug of coffee in front of her and sighed, spying a particular file on the edge of her desk. Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. The original contents had been passed on (at Harm's request) to Dr. Michael Jorgensson who had, a little too quickly in her opinion, given him the green light to return to work and even present in front of the flight board.

Jordan grabbed his file and safely tucked it into the top drawer of her desk, the one with a lock. She'd made a copy for herself and hoped one day it would come in handy and still felt a little thrill at having his left held tightly in her grasp.

As she made to settle in with the next file, her intercom cracked alive. "Doc, your 9am is here."

9am? She thought, because for certain patients she had bended her 'down time' rule on case per case basis. Grabbing her appointment book, she leafed through the pages seeing most of the day blocked off with a heavy black 'X'. "9am? I thought I didn't have a patient until 1300?"

"It says here 'Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie."

The name made her involuntarily sit up straighter, the pen she was tapping against an open file stopped it's movement. Jordan glared at the computer screen as if it held some sort of information on the Marine she wasn't privy to and didn't realize several minutes passed before the intercom cracked to life again. "Commander? Shall I let her in?"

"Yes. Thank you."

It was likely a bad sign when the Marine walked into the office and immediately glared at her with the utmost look of contempt. The woman didn't even bother with any type of friendly greeting simply slid into one of the two guest chairs and waited.

Jordan took a long sip of her coffee. This game she'd played before with many of her patients and the whore Marine wouldn't be the one to make her crack. She was far too good, had dealt with SEALs and men who had seen real combat and had real issues to contend with. Of course, there was that little matter of traipsing through the Marine's apartment and perhaps seeing something she really had no business to but, she set those thoughts aside and chose to offer Mac a sardonic smile. "Hello Mac. Come to seek the therapy you most definitely need?"

"It's Lt. Colonel MacKenzie to you, Commander."

The Marine's tone was positively icy, enough so that it would have made most people shun away. Inside she felt the chill run down her spine, the quickening of her heart rate because Jordan knew Mac was not a woman to cross. Thankfully military propriety would keep both of them in check, the Marine was likely quite angry but was too smart to make a scene that would tarnish her uniform. "C'mon Mac, we were friends weren't we? Besides, from what Harm told me about you there's a lot of personal issues to sort through. Let me help. You know I can."

Although Mac kept her expression as impassive as possible. Clearly from Jordan's tone, the information Harm had passed along was private and Mac felt the sting from a potential betrayal. "I do have quite a bit of things to sort through. My issues are my own, though... Why were you in my apartment? And don't try to hide it, the building manager told me you have a key."

Jordan couldn't imagine that question coming so quickly, she expected a bit of warning, a little chit-chat, a melding of minds. She figured the lawyer would want to break her down first with soft blows but then Mac was a Marine, first to fight. "Pardon?"

"Things were touched… moved. Including the pistol at the back of the armoire; an inch away from where it usually is and I know exactly where it should be. I've trained myself to know how many steps and breaths it takes for me to grab it if something is wrong."

There indeed had been a pistol which Jordan found and placed back. It was the utmost peculiar place to find the weapon and she recalled rolling her eyes at the Marine's need for such security in a building that already had a few security measures in place. "A pistol hidden in an armoire? Aren't you a bit… paranoid?"

Mac shrugged. "Overly cautious, perhaps. But I have my reasons for that."

"Mmmm. A rough upbringing can do that to you." Jordan didn't know much but then she didn't have to because it had been easy to divulge information out of Harm who tended to speak so highly about his partner. There were chinks in her armor, of course and after finding Mac's case file on his coffee table during her Article 32 hearing, a few simple questions led him to fill in the blanks about the Marine. The rest was public knowledge - a failed marriage, a murdered husband, reprimand for perjury and an affair with a senior officer. "Harm told a few interesting things about you."

"Did he? I must have made for some interesting pillow talk." Mac pretended not to feel hurt but her heart was lanced with pain. Harm talked about her personal life with the other woman enough that she now had a sort of ammunition to fire at will. It made Mac uncomfortable and yet, she forced down the bile that rose in her throat, kept herself with that steely gaze that could melt steel. "Stay away from him."

A lifetime of studying people had made Jordan an ace at hiding her feelings, something that she didn't do well out of the confines of her office. Here, she ruled the roost, kept things in check where she could control and Mac was in her domain now, subjected to her whims. She frowned and shook her head seemingly trying to understand the other woman's plight. "Things must really be on the rocks if you're coming here in this show of desperation...Me breaking into your place? C'mon, Mac, you're insane… Maybe I should be telling you to stay away from him."

The Marine's arms folded across her chest. "I'm not the one that fed him a load of psychobabble. It was you that urged him to break it off with me when he went to fly wasn't it?"

"Why would I do that? And why would you want a man that only commits to that goddamned plane other than someone he supposedly cares for? You and me were both second best to a hunk of screaming metal...It isn't fair, it isn't right and he isn't going to grow up."

Mac remained silent, unable to state the opposite. He would slide behind the stick of a jet again, she knew. Although Harm wouldn't return to live on. carrier, he would take a jet up any time he could. He was already scheduling quals.

"The fact that you had to come here speaks volumes you know? You just don't get that you're a replacement for what he really wants?"

"Who? You?" Letting Jordan get into her head was insane, she knew better than that but there had been a few things the shrink had said which forced Mac to take the bait. "If Harm wanted to be with you he wouldn't have broken it off...He wouldn't have...You know what? No, I'm not getting into this with you...This is pathetic, you're pathetic... Bye, Jordan have a nice life."

"I take it he never told you about Diane Shonke?"

Mac was halfway out the door, her hand gripping onto the doorknob to close it shut behind her. The other woman's name caused her to pause, her hand to slip and she teetered on her regulation pump as a chill ran down her spine. She closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly after hearing the name of the one woman that made a heavy sense of insecurity fall over Mac.

Although she didn't want to think ill of the dead, Mac was sure she wouldn't have liked Diane. "How do you know her?"

"He has a box with letters and pictures. For a moment, I thought it was you and it all started to click - why he talked about you so much. He's obsessed and you're doing nothing but fueling that obsession. You're hurting him."

"He's over her."

"Is he? Then why does he still have that box in the back of his closet along with one full with letter tapes and pictures of his father."

Every fiber in her being was telling Mac to run and not listen anymore, to not let Jordan plant hateful, destructive seeds like she had for Harm. The woman was manipulating her but then, she hit where it hurt the most - the insecurity that Harm would never see her for her but for the deceased love of his life. "I know about the box. I know who she was."

"Then you know how much you look like her. You're a copy but then copies are never as good as the original, are they? That's why he's so into you. Harm has a habit of collecting obsessions and you're the new one. And you're just stringing him along."

Mac turned and stepped back into the office. She closed the door behind her, walked to the chair she was formerly occupying and stood behind it, her hands coming down to grip the back. "I would never...ever do something like that to him...If I even thought, if it were even possible that Harm felt that way…"

"He'll see through you one day. You're something for him to sate his basic urges, a pretty woman for him to fuck and once he tires of screwing you he'll come back to me because I'm good. I'm stable and not a caricature of the past. I'm not some goddamned alcoholic, whore who forgets to divorce her husband and screws her commanding officer to get ahead. I won't hurt him or manipulate him like you have, Mac."

Each word hurt and the impassive look broke as she winced. Jordan knew about her alcoholism? There was only one reason that would happen and she hated to think that her best friend had sold her out to the woman he was once seeing. She took a breath and let it out slowly. "I'm the whore? I wasn't the one watching a couple make love in a darkened apartment."

That fact made Jordan's face fall, a tell that had scored a point for Mac. "Oh yeah, I know what you did. I sensed something was off. Did you get some sort of perverse kick out of that? Look you crazy bitch your psychology won't work on me. I have tougher skin than that...This is my final warning, stay away from me and stay away from Harm."

"Are you threatening me, Colonel?"

Mac shrugged. "Call it what you want. Come near us again and I'll have your oak leaves."

The Marine was breathing fire, her brown eyes turning dark and menacing, she meant her words but Jordan had enough of that in her past to be threatened with losing her position in the Navy. There were other places she could go, private practice which was much more lucrative and free of the constraints of the military. "Do you think I really care about my oak leaves? I'm not a one trick pony like you. I've had offers. Your threat has no merit."

"No?" An untampered rage roared inside of Mac and despite knowing it was wrong, she could no longer stop herself from a little show of force. She stepped around the chair and grabbed Jordan by the lapels of her Navy uniform, pulling the shorter woman up to eye level. "You don't know who you're dealing with, Lt. Commander Parker. Next time you come near us I may just forget that I'm a Lt. Colonel in the Marine Corps and remember I didn't grow up in the nicest of places." She shoved the woman back, causing Jordan to hit the corner of the desk with her hip and wince at the pain.

With that, Mac turned around, walking as fast as possible to get out of a situation that would not have a happy resolution if she stuck around. "You're not going to hit me?" Jordan asked, her voice sounding confused if not a little petty.

"You'd like that wouldn't you? No, I won't hit you. I'm not giving you the satisfaction of filing charges against me. I'm better than that."

Harm was staring. He was staring mainly because Mac hadn't noticed it, her usual intuitive nature seemed to have been shut off. She pretended to be buried in a case file but then her eyes were not on paperwork. They were glaring unseeing to the wall of his living room.

"Dinner was nice." He commented in an effort to get her to converse with him because most of the day felt as if she were trying to avoid him. It began late that morning when they bumped into each other in the break room and any of that romantic banter they had been engaging in the last few weeks was gone.

At first Harm tried to ignore it, pushing it off as Mac trying to keep some distance between them while at work. He didn't think they'd been obvious about their affections at headquarters but he had to admit he did spend an awful lot of time staring at her lately. He caught himself watching her through the blinds, studying every facial expression especially the cute way her eyebrow would rise.

She would bite her lip when concentrating, tap her pen on a file when coming up with ideas. What he loved the most, and he only just noticed, was that the very second Mac sat behind her desk, the heels will come off. He would see the way she shifted and then the subtle smirk of satisfaction of comfort. Good Lord he had it bad.

She would sometimes catch him looking and they would share one of their many silent conversations that were now lasting several seconds longer than they should have.

Except for today.

Today was like the brakes had been hit at full force and the weekend spent as lovers was all a mistake. Harm prayed that wasn't the case, that she was just having an off day. Likely they both would at some point but he couldn't help to think this might have been a casualty of them ignoring that 'slow' protocol. Maybe they rushed it this time around? Maybe he felt more for her than she did for him?

"Mac? Do you want coffee?" He saw her swallow, her eyes still glued to the spot at the wall. And then Mac was biting her lip, wincing when she drew blood. "Earth to Colonel MacKenzie…Snap to."

She was shivering, cold although the temperature in his apartment was pleasant and the fireplace kept his living room cozy. Harm's voice broke through her personal reverie as she thought over and over about today's personal kind of Hell. "What? Oh...sorry."

"You're a million miles away."

"I'm sorry...just thinking."

"You've been off all day. Do you... regret what happened between us?"

"What? No...No, I don't regret us." What she regretted was not stopping him soon enough to spot Jordan in her apartment, the female intuition that told her something was wrong. She was too into Harm, too wanton and she couldn't hold back her passion for him anymore that he could for her. "I'm sorry, Harm."

"Stop saying you're sorry will ya? You're starting to scare me." Whatever was going on in her head didn't stop in fact, Mac was staring at the wall again and that concerned him. "Hey, talk to me."

"Why does Jordan know about me? About my past? What exactly did you tell her?"

Although Mac's voice was calm, Harm still had that Rabb-in-the-headlights look, the color draining from his face when she finally turned to look at him. He had spoken to Jordan about Mac a time or two but most personal information had been kept out of their conversations as far as he recalled. She was a big part of his life, it was natural to talk about your partner, wasn't it? "I don't understand. What are you asking me?"

"You have talked to her about me, haven't you?"

"Yes. You're my partner, Mac. We worked pretty damned close at times...Do you think I betrayed you somehow?"

Mac shrugged. "Not on purpose, I don't think."

"You don't think?" He couldn't keep the sharpness out of his tone and felt more than a little hurt at any implication that he could have wronged her in some way. "You don't think? I wouldn't!"

"I wouldn't think you're the type to gossip...maybe I was wrong about you."

"What?" Harm stood up and took several steps away. He had the sudden urge to grab something and throw it. "What the hell is this, Mac?"

"I...Damnit, I went to see her today...Jordan. I went to her office." A heavy breath came out of her as if Mac had been holding together the edges of the World on her shoulders. She knew that she was better staying away but, the confrontation was needed if anything to see Jordan cower.

"Why? Why would you do that?"

"I believe. No, I'm sure Jordan broke into my place although 'broke into' is the wrong term. She had a key. She was given a key."

The notion made him laugh, Jordan may be many things but he just couldn't see her doing a little breaking and entering. She was much too timid, too good natured and afraid of getting in trouble. "C'mon, Mac. Jordan wouldn't even know how to break into anyone's place."

"I'm not making this up! She got a copy of my key from the building manager, pretended we were friends so she could get in… She was there the other night when you and me...She saw us… I know she did, I felt it that night but, I was too wrapped up in you to even think about anyone else."

"Why would she do that?"

"Don't look at me like that. I'm not going mad. " He was glaring with a concerned expression as if she'd lost her mind. And maybe she had but, the truth remained there were certain details the other woman knew and were not pulled out of thin air. "How does she know about John? Or my past with him? Why would you tell her any of that?"

"Ugh." John. God how he hated when she called Farrow by his first name. It was said with an air of familiarity that actually made him jealous that Mac could still hold such regard for the man. "I didn't tell her about Farrow...She saw the file on my table while I was working on your Article 32 and was curious. I had it labeled 'People v. Mac' and she asked me why I would be defending you."

"And you told her?"

Harm sighed, "It's not like any of it was classified! The damned case was all over the Navy Times, I'm surprised ZNN didn't request an interview."

"She knows I'm an alcoholic."

"And you're accusing me of that too?!"

"I'm not accusing…" By the way he was glaring at her again made her clench her jaw. "Maybe I am...How does she know? How if you didn't tell her. No one else at JAG knows I'm an alcoholic. I've purposely kept that to myself. They just think I don't drink."

But Harm knew because, for some insane reason she felt the need to spill her dirtiest secret not more than a few hours after meeting him. She felt he was trustworthy. "You've seen me at my worst and I will forever hate that you saw me like that...the things I told you."

It was one of the worst moments of her life. One that Mac would regret until her dying days. She wasn't just drunk, it was the nastiness that befell her when inebriated. She deliberately tried to hurt him. "Did you tell her about me falling off the wagon?"

"No. No…" But he had gone about Jordan's questions wrong especially as they pertain to Mac. He deliberately would change subjects because thinking of his partner while with his girlfriend would force thoughts into his head that weren't right at the time. "The night at McMurphy's, you were playing darts...She noticed you didn't drink. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing, told her to ask you…I guess she put two and two together. I did tell her about Chris. I did tell her you had a rough upbringing but it was never done with any kind of malicious intent."

"Of course not." Mac sighed and stood, slowly pacing in front of the kitchen Island in effort to keep her emotions in check as much as possible. She wanted to lash out and scream at him but then he made several points that made sense. "She says you're with me because I look like Diane. Fuel for your obsession. Said she saw the box you have with Diane's letters and pictures. Do you still have them?"

"No." She turned to him with watery eyes and Harm held back the desire to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. "Damnit, no Mac. If you want to rip apart my closet looking for it you're welcome to."

She felt like a fool. The feelings Mac normally kept in check were beyond erratic. She had issues yes, everyone did but it came to Harm some of her insecurities were amplified. It rocked her off kilter and she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a corner and sob until she felt bare. "I'm sorry."

The day had been a complete Hell. She couldn't get Jordan's voice out of her head, the constant negative betrayal of her character making her doubt Harm more and more as the day went on. Whore.

Jordan was right although Mac wasn't the kind to sleep around, the derogatory term did fit. "Maybe I'm not what you need. I'm not...I slept with my CO while still married to Chris. I knew better but I let myself get seduced or maybe I seduced John. I don't know anymore…"

"Mac…"

"Dalton, I was seduced by the glamor, the car, the money…You and me. When will you tire of me?"

"Mac, stop it."

She shook her head and the tears began to spill from her eyes. "You and Jordan hadn't really been broken up and we...I let you because I wanted you so much.. I couldn't have you and then...Know what that makes me?"

"No. Don't say it because it wouldn't be true." Harm walked across the room and pulled her into his arms, an embrace she fought for a moment, eventually collapsing into him, her face burying into his chest. "Mac, I love you. Your past won't change that. Nothing will change that."

"I'm sorry, Harm...I just…"

"Got played. She played you like she played me. Jordan's good at that. You're not some monster, Mac."

"I'm not good either."

Harm snorted at that. "I'm not any better. C'mon, let's sit down and talk. Tell me everything."