oOo

I woke and spent quite some time staring at the ceiling of my tent, worrying over whether I would see anyone I remembered from my Templar training and feeling stressed and nervous. Faces of other initiates I had trained with –Jacob, Alexander, Oscar– and of the Templars who had taught me –Griffiths, Samson– were running through my mind. Fereldan Templars always went to Kinloch Hold at some point during their rotation, so the chances that I would see someone I knew weren't that abysmal. It wasn't like it had even been that long – they would recognise me.

What was wrong with me? Was I ashamed? Was I afraid of what they would say when they saw me?

It took me a few minutes, but I eventually realised that I was nervous about the idea of meeting someone who had known me before I had become a Warden. As if they could point and laugh and make me look a fool, because they'd known me back in the days when I'd been so desperate to escape the life I had and blatant about it, when whispers had followed me wherever I went about that bastard, when nothing I ever did had overcome that – Alistair the Bastard had been Alisatair the Bastard regardless of whether he pulled pranks or prayed dutifully or tried to make people laugh or kept to himself. I'd tried so hard to belong there, to make friends, and it had always been for naught.

I still felt a little bit like an imposter. I'd always felt like a fraud; blood of kings but no prince, Templar training but no devout believer. Even as a Warden I had known that… if people had known who I really was, everything would have been different. People would have treated me differently. I would have stood apart. So I'd tried hard, again, to be just Alistair. The other Wardens had let me – it wasn't like I was the only one who didn't like to speak of their past – and I had actually felt like I belonged, but it was always tempered with that knowledge that I wasn't just Alistair. That I could lose it all in a moment, in a chance encounter with a Templar who made the wrong disparaging comment.

I scoffed at myself, running a hand through my hair. I'd already faced this fear, already told Elissa about my parentage. She knew who I was and accepted me regardless, and I shouldn't care what anyone else thought. I wouldn't.

Eventually I forced myself to roll out of bed. I knew that we would no doubt have some problem or another with the mages, but as always, we would deal with it and forge ahead.

What had seemed like an impossible task was starting to seem manageable. Even in the face of everything, the future was looking quite bright, and I was even more cheerful than normal as we packed up and headed towards the docks. Even Elissa talking with Sten privately didn't put a dent in my humour... even though Elissa looked a little concerned when they returned.

Though hearing about the trouble at the Tower did. My heart sank as I realised something very wrong must have happened for the Knight-Commander to be so severe in his actions. The Tower was considered unsafe: that meant that the mages were no longer safe to be around. Maybe a Harrowing had gone wrong, maybe there was a rogue mage, maybe a training exercise had gone amiss... I hoped it was the latter.

But as these were just suspicions, I limited myself to a quiet word to Elissa saying I would take point on this one, complete with a worried look, as we made our way down to the docks from the Spoiled Princess. She raised her eyebrows and nodded.

When we arrived, a young, nervous Templar was awaiting us.

"You're not looking to get across to the tower, are you? Because I have strict orders not to let anyone pass!"

"Now, now, pleasantries first. What's your name, young ser?" I asked him, trying not to laugh at how desperate he was to seem in control.

"Err—I—Carroll, ser."

"Nice to meet you, Carroll. I'm Alistair, a Grey Warden. I'm here for aid against the Blight."

"Oh, a Grey Warden? Prove it," he scoffed.

I raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "I do have some official Warden documents, but they're not the kind of thing you whip out to impress a rookie Templar barely a month past his Vigil."

The young lad startled, and I felt inordinately pleased at myself at how I'd hit the mark. It made sense for the least experienced Templar to be stuck out here on boat-guarding duty instead of something actually useful.

Carroll stuck his chin up in the air and crossed his arms defiantly.

"I don't believe it. Go on, prove you're a Grey Warden. Kill some darkspawn or something!"

I sighed. "There aren't any darkspawn here. They're still further south. I don't care about proving I'm a Warden, I care about getting across the lake. So tell me how I can achieve that."

"Well…" The young Templar shifted, looking around, and then his eyes caught on Elissa. "She doesn't need to go to the tower, does she?" He turned to her. "It gets terribly lonely out here, you know… You could keep me company while your friends went across the lake, I know a place-"

I stepped forward and gripped the young man's shoulder with perhaps more force than necessary.

"Another word, and I will throw you into the lake and watch you sink to the bottom," I promised, glowering down at him.

"Ah. Perhaps not..." He quailed, backing away an involuntary step or two down the pier.

I breathed deeply and told myself throttling him was completely counter-productive, when I heard Morrigan snort with laughter behind me.

"Just take us across the lake, Templar."

When the man told us (stammering) that he couldn't carry more than three people in the boat, I turned towards the group. "Elissa, Dal and I will go. The rest of you should stay at the inn. Hopefully we'll return within the day. If not, set up camp without us and get across the lake first thing tomorrow."

I glanced at Elissa to check her reaction. She nodded in agreement. "See you tonight, everyone."

"May the Maker watch over you," Leliana murmured, seemed only slightly put out at not having to walk into a building full of mages. Morrigan looked a little irritated but she knew that as an apostate, going into the Tower when trouble was afoot was a very bad idea. Sten was unmoved and just nodded.

I bowed my head slightly.

"May He watch over us all."

The boat was small and creaky, but it held the weight of us, including heavy armour and packs, really quite well. The Templar sat at the front, rowing silently as Dal barked incessantly in his ear (I could have hugged the hound if he didn't stink so much), wagging his stumpy tail and licking up as much of the lake as he could. Elissa and I were getting a little of the spray against our faces where we sat side by side, but it was nice and cooling when you were wrapped up in metal during the middle of summer.

"Making him soil his draws earlier was appreciated," Elissa murmured as she gestured to the man trying valiantly to row without looking like he was scared of Dal to the point of needing new underclothes.

I didn't know what to say to that.

"Well, he was being..." I gestured around vaguely with my free hand.

"Quite," she said wryly.

"Have you had to deal with that often?" I asked curiously.

She considered it.

"Not in that way. Most of my suitors were more…" She paused again, rubbing her chin like she did sometimes when thinking hard. "More circumspect. They followed the 'rules', so to speak."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She hummed a little. "No man would ever have walked up to a Teyrn's daughter and propositioned her so bluntly. They asked for my favour before a tourney, brought me gifts, emphasised how much they wished to meet me again… lingered instead of left."

I raised my eyebrows. "Sounds like they didn't want to be rejected."

A corner of Elissa's mouth quirked up into a little smirk. "That's certainly true. Nobody likes to take that risk. But it's also considered polite to not have to force a rejection. In that way, things are always presented so that they could be denied as expressing interest. Even if, of course, everyone knows exactly what they mean. Such are the 'rules'," Elissa explained, rotating her hand in an airy gesture of contempt.

"You sound like you hated the rules."

"Oh, I did. It's very difficult to take measure of a person when all they are doing is what they have been told to do, following the same narrow path as everyone else around them."

"That is… very true, actually."

She sent me a look at my tone of surprise and I held up my hands in surrender. "So was there anyone you actually liked?"

She leant back as she thought about this one, shoulder nudging mine as she settled herself, interlocked fingers resting on her stomach as she gazed skywards.

"He wasn't a suitor, per se. He was a friend of mine. We sparred together. Under usual circumstances, I would never have been permitted to marry him. As it was, my parents had been getting desperate and would have likely allowed it, had I asked."

"Did you love him?" It slipped out before I'd even thought about it, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

"No," she said, turning her head towards me, eyes bright with surprise. "No, Maker, it wasn't that serious. I simply knew him well and liked him as a person."

I frowned. "And you would have been happy with that?" I asked, a tad disturbed. That was all it took to be top of Elissa's list?

Elissa examined me. I tried not to heat under her frank gaze.

"When your name, your status, your family are what take precedence above all else in arranging a match, everything else is simply... irrelevant. It's difficult enough to arrange political matches both sides are satisfied by. So, yes, I would have been happy with a man that was good and kind, not only to me and not only when he wanted to be, but always. I would have been happy with someone I knew would treat me fairly and whose company I enjoyed."

Would have been? My mind whispered. What about now? But I didn't dare ask.

"I see," I said. "I can understand that. It sounds like you didn't feel you knew many people well at all…" I waited until she shook in her head in agreement with my statement to continue. "That seems lonely."

"I… I had my family," she said, ever so softly, eyes downcast.

You Maker-forsaken idiot, Alistair.

"And Dal," I reminded her hastily, looking at where the hound in question had stopped barking and was instead letting the breeze help his slobber get all over the place, mostly Carroll's hair.

"And Dal," Elissa said, lips pursed as she resisted a smile.

I didn't really let myself think too hard as I took her hand to tug her towards me. She looked at me with a question in her eyes until I put my arm around her shoulders and let her lean her weight on me, because I didn't know how to say I'm here now without the words getting tied up in my throat.

I could feel her hair brushing against my jaw and I rested my head against hers so I could surreptitiously bury my nose in it. It smelled really nice. Did Leliana have a secret supply of hair products they shared? How could her hair be so soft?

When we disembarked, I stretched my cramped legs a little before we entered. A quick glance didn't reveal the face of anyone I knew and felt relieved, despite the tense and worried visages. I nudged Elissa and gestured towards the Knight-Commander.

"See the bottom of the tunic?"

Elissa stifled an amused snort somewhat successfully as we made our way over to him.

oOo