Filler chapter...

Chapter 30 - Intuitions

Harm sat behind his desk drumming his pen against a file he was supposed to be rubber stamping. The good thing about being tucked away in this crappy little office was that no one would come looking for him. It was quiet, a little dark and so far away from the bullpen's heavy glass doors that even the din of his coworkers was non-existent.

It gave him time for deep contemplation without interruptions and as he turned his chair, swiveling it so he could look out the window, Harm noted the thick clouds of that gloomy day. Matching his mood, he thought about Mac. Of late, she was always in his mind - why weren't things easier for them? Not that he expected for a relationship with the Marine to be perfect but the last few months they'd been battered all because of another woman that he never really loved.

His heart sank to the pit of his stomach as a nagging feeling had consumed him much of the night and into the morning. He knew it was true although it was tough to admit - Jordan had been in Mac's apartment. She'd likely seen them making love and stuck around to listen. The cringeworthy factor of it all made his stomach churn and gave Harm that sickly feeling. The concept that they were spied on made his skin crawl but he was much too consumed by Mac to even notice anything but her.

The way she smelled, the way she felt, the soft skin that she surrendered to him so passionately. It was a little wild but then she snapped every ounce of his control and Harm couldn't stop himself if he tried - thankfully, she wanted him just as bad. They were good together, really really good and it wasn't just the physical part. Mac balanced him, soothed his demons, made him think about other people than just himself. She was good for him and at some point he'd probably have to point out that his mother was right on the money about his lovely partner.

And now, it all felt...cheapened. Violated. All because last Christmas he was too busy thinking with his little sailor to realize what was already in front of him. The day he met Jordan, Harm was actively seeking out a good looking woman to spend a tawdry week in bed with. He just wanted physical companionship - a fun time to stave the lonely holidays. Never could he imagine that he and Jordan would court or how much it would hurt Mac - it was still hurting Mac nearly a year later. Fuck. He was such an idiot!

This was his fault - all of it. Down from letting Jordan into his mind to believing he could control the system and speed up the process of getting approved for full duty. What the hell was he thinking?

Never the kind to cut corners and despising those that did - how did he allow himself to be goaded? Damn Jordan. The woman had her hooks in him from day one and he let the rest happen despite a ton of arguments and constant manipulation. He gripped the arm of his chair as the anger rose in him. Jordan had called Mac such ugly names and he would never, ever forgive her for that. It was petty, pathetic and simply untrue. Mac didn't sleep around, he knew that. She didn't use her feminine wiles to seduce - well there was that one bikini in Miami and that dress at an embassy - but that was for duty and he was at her side.

To think that was how Jordan saw the Marine sickened him. What was worse, he'd perpetuated that belief by a few comments that he'd made to the shrink while they dated. Like the time he'd glossed over Mac's article 32 and Jordan scoured for more information detailing back to him the murder of her husband and the charge of adultery.

"They were separated. He was in jail, she moved on."

"Adultery is still adultery. If you were prosecuting, you'd nail her ass to the wall. Some partner you have….Most women can't make it through the ranks that fast. Did you ever wonder why she did?"

"You don't know anything about her. Mac's overcome so much to get to where she is. She had a rough upbringing and survived it she…"

"...Wasn't divorced."

"Jordan...things happen, she got shipped off the moment she completed boot…"

His defense felt short that day because Jordan was right. By law, Mac committed a crime forgetting to divorce her husband. Although it wasn't so much that she forgot. Mac made a life for herself, a good one and Ragel wasn't good for her so she left him behind - many people did so to eradicate toxicity from their lives. He was a career criminal and so it was easy to just disappear in the military while Chris rotted in jail.

"She should have known better and you don't need to defend her all the time, Harm. You aren't her keeper."

Harm should have seen it then, the verbal cues, the way Jordan kept trying to knock down Mac a peg in his eyes. Jordan's words angered him which then led to make up sex followed by an empty feeling he couldn't shake. Now more than ever he wondered why the hell he was ever with Jordan. The simplicity he felt with her at their inception was quickly marred by her insecurities, her jealousy and he fell into step because she was 'nice enough' and 'pretty enough.' A female body to warm his bed.

Harm scrubbed a hand over his face. He wasn't a kid anymore or a Middie fresh out of Annapolis. He was a grown man that needed to stop thinking the World owed him something.
There were repercussions for the words he said or the actions he took and he couldn't live with himself if something happened to Mac.

Last night he almost laughed outright at her suggestion that Jordan could go as far as hurting one of them. The woman was physically weak and, he believed, didn't have that kind of guts to do more than threaten them.

"What if she does something else?" Mac said while she sat next to Harm, her legs folded beneath her. She bit her lower lip, glanced down at her hands and sighed. While she wasn't afraid of Jordan per se, even the physically weakest of persons could do the most abominable things if they believed it was just.

"Like what?"

She was almost afraid to say it because the concept sounded like some sort of melodrama given how Jordan entered her home and likely Harm's. Mac was concerned, more for him than herself at the lengths the shrink could go. "What if she hurts you? Or me? Someone we care about?"

He snorted and immediately regretted it when her eyes met his. The brown irises were darkened and sad, tinted red. It made Harm take pause because Jordan had already hurt them both and nearly tore them apart again. "Mac. This isn't Fatal Attraction. I don't have a pet rabbit for her to boil."

"That's not funny."

"I know it's not look…"

"No Harm, we've investigated these cases before. It's always the one who we think is weak that causes the most carnage. I think Jordan is on meds and maybe stopped taking them. Mentally, she's cunning, I'll give her that but there's something in her eyes that's...manic and it… well, it scares me."

"I'll keep you safe." He'd said because it was the pure, male instinct to do so. Harm would die for Mac if needed and fight off all of her demons if requested.

"You can't promise that. Neither of us can." When Harm made to wrap his arms around her, Mac moved away. She unraveled her legs and began to pace - he hated when she paced because it meant something was formulating in her mind that would have a heavy repercussion. And then, Mac said it and he was sure his heart was broken in two. "Maybe….damnit, maybe we need to be apart for a while?"

For a few seconds Harm was sure his heart had stopped. They'd already spent too much time apart - his fault - because going back to fly seemed to be at the top of his personal totem pole. He didn't like himself much when they were apart or the empty, lonely night spent pining. Who the hell knew he would be the type to pine? He really hadn't over Diane or Annie or any other woman - yes, he'd wanted to be with them - but, this thing with Mac was different. A good kind of different; she made him want to love someone, to feel that completeness that came from giving all of yourself.

"Are you breaking up with me?" He could barely get the words out, thick saliva had coated his throat making it hard to swallow.

Mac turned to him, her eyes laced with unshed tears. "No. But, if she thinks we split...maybe… I don't know Harm. I don't know what to do."

And then she'd gone home and refused every offer to make her stay. It wouldn't be a permanent break and yet that was exactly what it felt like; Harm missed her the moment he saw her Corvette drive off. Every fiber of his being missed her and he couldn't shake the feeling that Mac was right.

He'd all but forgotten the times that Jordan had shown up at his apartment unannounced. At first, it was cute, he actually enjoyed having her around and the way she rolled her eyes when he came back, covered with sweat, after a run. He enjoyed smelling her on his sheets at one point and now all he felt was shame that he let his carnal desires rule his life. The signs were there of Jordan's instability especially given how she entered his home, without permission while he was still recovering.

She knew where the key was - the one that was 'hidden' inside an old electrical box just outside his door - and he'd given her permission to use it at her discretion. In all honesty, he never considered Jordan would return after his idea for a 'break' because he'd been too into Mac and surprised that she wanted him just as much. It was a violation of his privacy but then, it was also a clear sign that Jordan was losing her mind. But, to go as far a physically hurting either of them, the idea was still laughable. She didn't have the strength for it.

There were other ways to inflict damage, he knew. Just a mention of the impropriety between him and Mac was enough to destroy her career and that was something he was willing to protect even if it meant his leaving the Navy to do so.

His finger ran over the model F-14 on the corner of his desk, a reminder of the plane that almost killed him and almost took him away from Mac forever. He didn't need that life anymore and wondered if he even needed the NAVY. It was all he knew since he was a small boy - destiny that needed to be fulfilled and eradicate that Rabb curse that seemed to follow all of the men in his family for at least four generations - all had died in some sort of conflict. If things got serious with Mac, really serious, he didn't want her to have the life of his great-grandmother, grandmother or mother. He didn't want her to hurt anymore over him.

Still, he couldn't imagine not putting the uniform on every day. What would he do? Where would he go? Would he resent her for it? He needed answers, guidance and the closest father figure sat in a plush office down the hall and through the heavy glass doors of JAG HQ. With a flourish, he hit the button on the intercom connecting the phone with Tiner's to request a meeting with the Admiral.

Harm closed the door behind him as he was allowed into Chegwidden's office. "I apologize for requesting a meeting on such short notice but, I need to have a word with you."

AJ didn't look up, simply continued to scribble his signature across the mountain of paperwork at the corner of his desk. The tone of Harm's voice did make him cringe slightly and he glanced up at Harm over the brim of his glasses. "You're not deciding to leave us again are you, Commander?"

"Maybe permanently, sir."

That made the gruff CO pause, his hand stilling over the page until he placed the pen in it's holder and he shoved the paperwork aside. AJ removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose wondering if, perhaps, Rabb had been let back too soon. Maybe there was something still missing? Maybe the PTSD from such a terrible incident was stopping the normally mentally sound Commander from functioning? "Take a seat, Harm."

"Permission to speak freely?"

"Why do I feel this has more to do with something personal and less to do with the NAVY itself?"

"Actually, I need advice, sir. Some of the implications may go against the laws of the UCMJ and I wouldn't want any sense of impropriety...Frankly, it's also something I can't… fix… on my own."

Fix. Chegwidden knew when it came to Harm, the word meant an obsession that would get the best of his emotions. For now, he had an inkling that his concerns involved a certain Marine. "If it's about you and the Colonel, I know."

"You do?"

It was amusing the way Harm's face blanched and his eyes widened. He opened his mouth to say something else but the words fell short. "Mac may have been forthcoming with her affections for you during the mishap. You've done a decent job of keeping it out of the limelight. I see no impropriety."

"We don't see each other in public unless it's away from Washington. She's either at my place or I'm at hers. We've been careful." Although Harm enjoyed the secrecy, the quiet intimate moments that were theirs alone, he wished for nights out on the town. He wanted to show her off for others to see how lovely she was. "Aww, hell, sir. I love her. Not sure when that even happened but...I've got it bad...real bad."

"I told you not to get too close…" Chegwidden gently reminded him although the look on his face stated he was neither serious or believing that they would simply fall in line. From the moment they shook hands at the White House rose garden it was evident - the sparks flying between them. "...I knew you wouldn't listen."

"Mac kind of snuck up on me… I wasn't looking to fall in love, didn't want to either."

"It usually happens when you're not ready." AJ said with a grin. His own memories of falling for a young Italian beauty crossing his mind. "Marcella and me, it was the same. Fell for her like a rock…She came out of the blue." He just made too many mistakes and Harm could see the brief flash of regret in his commanding officer's eyes.

"I'm concerned about careers. Hers more than mine. The Colonel being a higher rank and I hate to use the term fraternization…"

"Mac took a hit last year and you don't want to cause more damage."

Harm shook his head because he knew how ugly it could have been for his partner. The judges went easy on her because she was well liked within the JAG Corps and had a reputation for being squared away. He recalled her first time back in action, how all of the judges seemed to stare at her with a look of disappointment - that lasted for too many months until her Article 32 and his successful attempt to clear her name. "No, I don't. Sir, I know I screwed myself out of a promotion heading back to the carrier. I honestly didn't realize how much of a step back it was and I'll have to live with my decision."

He lost more than just his accelerated promotion, Harm almost lost Mac. She was hurt because of him and he knew that her trust issues we're almost always going to be amplified after that. No apology from him will ever seem to cut it in his eyes.

"You were warned." AJ said and his face took on a stony appearance. "That life was over for you."

"It was. But, part of me needed that closure. I don't regret going back…" He just regretted everything else - the fact that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. The time lost was also a regret...there was still so much regret.

AJ studied his subordinate, the way the normally self assured Naval officer carried himself and now Harm's shoulders were slumped, concern evident in his eyes. Perhaps his punishment to make him rubber stamp every scrap of paper in JAG HQ was a bit too harsh for such an active lawyer? Maybe it was the craphole of an office that was nothing more than an old supply room? "I envy you sometimes, Harm."

"Me? Why?"

"As a SEAL I've done many things in my past that I can't remedy. Some of which I'll regret to the day I die. You knew the risks and yet you went back, did what you had to do."

"And wrecked my career…"

"Some decisions aren't made without peril."

Harm gripped the sides of the chair he sat in and the war within began again. Thoughts of turning in his resignation, of starting a new life trickled through his mind again. "Which is why I've considered leaving the Navy."

"For her?"

He couldn't hide the reason, his pained expression gave him away as much as words would have. Harm slowly nodded and then let out a long, suffering sigh. "What if I leave and resent her? The NAVY is all I've ever known, my only real home since I was a kid."

"Mine too." Chegwidden admitted, his eyes taking on a wistful expression at the life he could have had with Marcella and their child versus the life of a lone military man. He'd had enough women come and go from his life but still held a savage regret for letting the love of his life go without a fight. "Don't do anything brash, Commander… Give it time…Unless there's something else…"

"There is." Harm admitted. It was the real reason why he needed guidance and it was one that no one else could provide for varying reasons. "As you know, I dated Lt. Commander Parker for a time and we've obviously split."

"I hope so." AJ's chest puffed up, clearly protective of Mac. His glare promised retaliation of the younger man before him would hurt her. "You're not still seeing Jordan, are you?"

"No, sir. That's over with and had been for a while, I just didn't want to be alone."

"Never did understand how you could or would allow your ex. to shrink your head." Although he had a theory that the woman was still a friend seeking to help him bounce back faster. When he got the call from Bethesda that Harm put in a change for psychiatrist, Chegwidden never challenged it, simply approved and waited. "Sometimes I like to give my subordinates enough rope to hang themselves with…clearly, I was spot on again."

Harm nodded. "She was instrumental in me splitting with Mac before I left to fly. Filled my head with concepts that seemed true at the time. I didn't realize it, I thought she was right… and when I began to treat with her… I am ashamed to admit I was trying to screw the system. I know better than that. She showed me her true colours...I won't forgive myself for being so stupid."

"Jilted lover?"

"Yes. I've remained friends with some of the women I dated, I hope I could with Jordan too. She's very good at her job, an asset on cases both the Colonel and me have worked on." But, he couldn't shake the feeling that Mac was right and in the back of his mind he imagined a shadow watching them. Every touch, every caress, ever kiss of his lips on Mac's body and Jordan had seen it. Christ, it was sickening. "This is almost...laughable...Mac thinks Jordan would go as far to really hurt one of us."

"And you don't believe her

"I don't want to but, Mac's intuition, I trust it...I trust it more than my gut...She believes Jordan broke into her apartment when we were...together. I can't shake the feeling that she may be right."

"Do you have proof?"

"Nothing empirical but there was one thing." He told AJ about the building manager, the extra key that Jordan managed to finagle through manipulation and lies. The man had been fired once word got down to the building owner and all attempts to contact him were met with silence. He told Chegwidden about the times she'd shown up at his place but then, she knew where the key was and Harm never made an effort to change the locks until now. "It would be our word against that of a reputable psychiatrist. And if Mac is wrong, I don't want to damage Jordan's career."

"Mac isn't wrong, is she?" When Harm shook his head, Chegwidden let out a long sigh. This would be tricky, squabbling former lovers in something of a love triangle. They would have to tread lightly and he would do whatever possible to protect his people. "Draw up a formal complaint which you never did when you changed shrinks. I'll move it quietly up the proper channels and just keep an eye out, Harm."

"Thank you, sir."

Mac had seen him leaving Chegwidden's office, their eyes connecting briefly through her blinds as he wove through the bullpen. "Bud, can you finish interviewing the witness?" She asked, abruptly coming out of her seat and giving no reason as she stepped out of her office and followed Harm. She found him at his desk, fingers dancing over the keyboard as he intently stared at the monitor.

He was frowning or maybe it was a scowl and the brilliance of his eyes was darkened. It made her stomach knot up and a sinking feeling made a shiver run up her spine. She hadn't slept. Not one second because her mind was too busy running silly scenarios of a Boogieman that Jordan was not. Mac had checked and double checked the various weapons locked and loaded inside her home; the ones hidden behind her armoire, under her mattress and even inside a drawer in the kitchen.

It wasn't paranoia but, maybe she was a little on edge? Mac hated that feeling, the intuition that wouldn't let her alone. What she hated more was hurting him or them when things were finally falling into place. "Hey. Everything okay?"

"Yes."

He didn't look up at her and that knot tightened even more. Without being invited, Mac stepped into his office and grabbed the back of a guest chair. It struck her once again how much he didn't belong there. The space was much too small for his large personality, too confined. "I miss you."

Harm's eyes snapped up to meet hers then, the darkness erasing as he held her gaze. His expression softened and the fingers that were rapidly punching keystrokes stopped. "I'm right here."

"No. I miss looking up and finding you watching me through the windows that separate our offices. I miss bumping into you out in the bullpen. I missed you last night and this morning. I still smelled you in my bed and I was miserable without you." She breathed a sigh of relief at finally letting out what had been festering since she left his apartment the night before.

If they stayed apart, Jordan would win, she'd get what she was trying to accomplish - their split. Mac wouldn't allow that, her happiness would not be diminished by someone else's jealousy. "Last night was a knee jerk reaction from my part."

"Picking up my bad habits?" He said with a grin and then stood, walking around the desk to close the door. Harm pulled Mac into his arms, holding her body in a fierce embrace until he felt her relax against the hard planes of his chest. "I don't want to stay away from you. We did that once."

"I don't either, not really. I'm sorry, Harm."

He only held her tighter, not for the first time realizing how well Mac fit in his arms. "Hey, it's okay. I'll come over after work."

"No. Not my place."

Harm felt her tense and immediately understood why: Jordan. The more time passed, the more he believed she'd been there. Mac's intuition was seldom wrong. "Okay. My place."

"I'll cook." She offered, sliding back enough to look at him and the slow, sexy smile that spread across his lips. "Lasagna."

"With those garlic knot thingies?"

Mac laughed. She knew how to cook very well just rarely bothered for just one person. The two times she'd made those 'garlic knot thingies'' as Harm called them, he'd devoured most of the little bready goodness. "I can whip those up, sure."

He released her, went around his desk and pulled open a drawer taking a keychain with two keys dangling from it along with a leather strapped attached to a metallic 'M.' "I changed both locks."

"I thought you didn't believe me?" She looked at the keys now in her hand and balled her fists over the cool metal. This meant more to her than any 'I love you' he could have said because these were not just a set of keys accessible to anyone he allowed into his apartment. These were made for her and he'd even taken the time to get a personalized chain for her.

Harm sighed. "I honestly don't know what to believe, Mac. But, you're rarely wrong about those kinda things. I don't want you hurting over my stupidity." He stepped to her again, this time his large hand framing her face so that he could press a soft kiss against her lips. One soft kiss and nothing more but it held the promise of more to come later. "I'll be late. If you're making lasagna I'm gonna go across town for the cannoli's from Giovanni's and that good espresso."

"Mmmm. You really know a way to a girl's heart, flyboy." An impish grin spread across her lips as he fingers brushed the remnants of her lipstick. "I better get going. I left Bud high and dry. See you later."