A/N: A short sequel to the 1989 animated movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven"; a non-musical Christmas musical that ignores all sequels.

Non-musical Musical: Southern Cross-Up

"Charlie." The name was spoken softly, almost sung in tone.

Charlie B. Barkin stirred but remained deep in his dream. He was in the middle of an incredible run at the craps table; one more throw and he would officially break the bank and own the place.

"Charlie?"

In Charlie's dream, he now was cashing in his winning tickets from the rat races where he had picked the winning exactas for all five races. The dog behind the counter was reaching for the biggest, reddest, juiciest steak he had ever seen that could have come from a whale by the size of it. Charlie's paws twitched in anticipation.

"CHARLIE!" Annabelle yelled. The whippet angel usually spoke in easy, dulcet tones but dealing with Charlie was a dog of another color. She did have a soft spot for the rascal - he was the only dog that had intentionally left Heaven and returned – but keeping his attention was a task not to be envied.

"Hff? Wzzzz who?" he yelled as he wrenched himself from the dream and tried to come awake. He shook his head and looked around; Annabelle was sitting on a cloud that had floated up to his. "What did I do now?" he asked, sure that he had transgressed some Heavenly rule again.

[Song "It Wasn't Like This In My Dreams" omitted due to groggily-sung lyrics making it incomprehensible.]

"You didn't do anything - you're still a good dog. I'm sorry Charlie, but something has come up that has never happened before," Annabelle explained. "Why do these things always involve you?"

[Song "I'm Special - It Says So In My Contract" omitted due to Actor's Guild restrictions.]

"So, tell me what's come up this time. If I'm still a good dog, did I get an award or something?" Charlie asked. "I must have gotten the 'Comeback of the Year' award or something, right?"

"No. It's your watch, Charlie."

"What about it?"

"Look at it."

Charlie looked at the watch. "Yeah, so it's ticking. Wait - I thought that wasn't supposed to happen once you got up here. What does it mean? I'm not going to have to...go down there, am I?" Visions of hellfire flashed in his head. Heaven had its drawbacks compared to the fun he had on Earth, but it sure beat the alternative. "I've been framed; it wasn't me!"

"Oh, nothing like that, Charlie! But we have to send the watch to get repaired. In the meantime, you have to go back to Earth until the work is completed."

"That's great! I'll just go visit Anne-Marie and Itchy while I wait." Heaven was good, but Charlie did find it just a tad boring sometimes. The little girl that could talk to animals and his best friend and fellow dog would be wonderful to see again.

[Song "I've Got Friends In Low Non-ethereal Places" omitted until the copyright infringement case is settled.]

"You can't."

[Song "$*#&% it" omitted due to rating restrictions.]

"Several years have passed on Earth since you came up here; eternity works on a different time system. You'll have to spend Christmas somewhere else," Annabelle told him.

"Christmas? Why didn't you say so? I love Christmas! Snow, a burning log in the fireplace, turkey, ham...beef..." Charlie said as his mind drifted; a slight amount of drool escaped the corner of his mouth. Pulling his attention away from holiday food, he asked "You wanna hear my version of 'Jingle Bells'?" he asked, gulping in a hug amount of air to begin his rendition.

"We'll bring you back when the watch is ready!" Annabelle said, dodging the question. A large red button appeared on a cloud beside her, and she pushed it down with her paw. With a flash of lightning, Charlie found himself propelled through a cosmic tunnel once again on the way to Earth.

[Song "Here I Go Again" omitted due to Frequent Flyer program discontinuation.]

Charlie picked himself up from the ground after landing back on Earth. Looking up, he saw a blazing sun and immediately felt the hot sand burning his stomach and bottom of his paws. Scrambling up, he dashed over to the small shade provided by a rock, reducing the heat from scorching to just unbearably hot.

[Song "They Lied - I'm In Hell" omitted after being tied up in committee during the last Ecumenical Council.]

"You'll get used to the heat a lot faster if you go out into it," a voice said from above.

"Is that you, Big Dog?" Charlie asked, afraid to look up at a deity.

"No mate, the name is Bruce. Glad to meet ya!" A scraggly, thin dog jumped down from the top of the rock and stuck out his paw at Charlie.

Relieved, Charlie started to babble. "Hey Bruce. Yeah, I'm Charlie. I was supposed to come down from...never mind...and hang out during Christmas while I had my watch...never mind...but it's really hot and I figured I made a wrong turn into another season somewhere or even worse if you know what I mean and why do you talk so funny?"

"Hold on there, Charlie. You're the one that talks funny - all us dingoes talk like this."

"Dingos? Is that what they call dogs in Hell?"

Bruce laughed. "You're bonkers. This isn't Hell - this is Australia! The wild is our home. You're in the desert not far from Finte. How did you get here?"

"I...ah...fell out of an airplane. A comfy, soft airplane. That was always kept at a nice 73 degrees. And there were never any surprises. Are you sure this isn't Brazil? I always wanted to go to Brazil."

[Song "I Hate Surprises" omitted due to hidden 'Try this new thing' backward masking messages found in the tune, subverting the whole idea.]

[Song "Welcome to Australia - Christmas Is In the Summertime Here" omitted due to 4 out of 5 viewers not being able to find the Southern Hemisphere on a globe.]

"Come on mate, since you're here you can lend a paw. Me and the boys are helping the country - there's a war on and we're trying to find a break in the telephone line of the humans that runs South to North." Bruce jerked his head in the direction he was going. "If we can find a place where the wire's broken, they can fix it and keep Australia safe."

Charlie grumbled, but came along. "No snow?"

"Nope. I've never even seen snow, but my Greatgrand said he saw some once."

"No skiing, no hot cocoa, no ice skating?"

"Kinda hard to do in the summer, Charlie. What good is cold anyway? It just makes the bones ache and all the lizards hide away. Here's the line."

[Song "Red-Hot Christmas" omitted to make more time for licensed All Dog® merchandise commercials.]

They had reached a spot where a wire ran along the top of a line of poles that stretched into the horizon from each side. Off to one side, a railroad track ran along the line; a hard-packed road ran beside that. "My territory starts here; be sure to stay off that road - you don't want to get run over."

At least that was something Charlie was familiar with. "I've been run over; it ain't no fun. How much traffic is there?" he asked.

"Oh, a truck will come by every day or two. Probably."

[Song "I Could Die Of Old Age Before That Happens" omitted due to math difficulties calculating dog years.]

Charlie defied the low odds and trotted down the road still trying to understand how you could have Christmas when it wasn't cold, while Bruce walked on the railroad ties. At once point Bruce paused and jumped off the tracks to join Charlie. "Train."

"Where?"

"Don't know, but I can feel it." Shortly, a shape appeared on the southern horizon where the tracks led. After what seemed like a day to Charlie, a train took shape as it got closer and it eventually chugged past them. Charlie could see it was short; it had several cars that were packed full of soldiers in uniform, while a few more cars were closed and must have carried other things. The men were singing Christmas songs as they went past; one of them even waved to the canines and threw a couple of bones out the window. Bruce gave Charlie one of the bones. "Mmmm. Christmas barbecue," he said while he gnawed happily.

[Song "Christmas Barbie" omitted so we have something to put on the 25th anniversary DVD extras disc.]

"Where are they going?" Charlie asked as the train continued to head north until it was lost in the heat and distance.

"I don't know - like I said, I heard there's a war going on and fighting north of our country, so maybe they're headed there."

"Why are they happy, then? Fighting isn't fun."

"No it isn't, but it's still Christmas; I think it's because they still have their pups back home somewhere and they're trying to keep 'em safe. Just like me. They still have to be happy for that."

[Song "Christmas Happens" omitted because it doesn't inclusively mention every other holiday that falls in December.]

"Hey Charlie, look at that!" Bruce said, and bounded across the tracks to one of the poles. Charlie followed and looked; the line from the south went to one pole but was loosely touching the ground on the other side before it continued on again. "This is the problem, alright."

"What'll we do?"

"We've got to get a human to look at it."

"I wish Anne-Marie was here; I could just tell her and she'd be able to talk to somebody."

"We'll just have to wait until someone comes along; I don't think we'll get someone to follow us out to here." So Bruce and Charlie waited in the shade of the pole, shifting as the shade moved during the day. Towards evening a dust cloud appeared on the horizon. "Truck!" Bruce shouted. Both dogs took up station beside the road. When the vehicle got close enough they started barking, becoming louder as the truck neared.

"I don't think he sees us!" Charlie shouted.

"He does, but there's no reason for him to stop. We're just wild animals out in the desert as far as he's concerned."

"Yeah, well I'll give him a reason to stop!" Charlie yelled as he leaped in front of the truck and gritted his teeth. He hated this part and closed his eyes; the next part came quickly.

[Song "Charlie's Death Theme" omitted because instrumental interludes don't get played on the radio anymore.]

...

"How did you know your watch was ready?" Annabelle asked as Charlie arrived in Heaven once again after taking the Afterlife Express, as he was starting to call it.

"I didn't. But I thought about Bruce and those soldiers and their pups and...well...I don't have anybody and nobody would miss me for Christmas so I made sure the driver stopped. It's not like I wasn't coming back here anyway."

"Oh Charlie, you were missed!" the whippet said as she pushed another button that appeared; at least this one was green. A choir warmed up on the sidelines and a brass band seated themselves nearby. "A-one and a two..."

[Song "Welcome Back - Now Quit Saving the Day by Dying" omitted because the saccharine sentimentality will cause the projectionist in the film booth to throw up if he hears it again.]

"And here's your award," Annabelle said as she draped a medal around his neck. It read 'Extra-good boy'.

"So - do we have any dingoes up here? And how about some barbecue?"

The End

A/N: Now, wasn't that a nice story? Quit groaning...

I had a reader from Australia that bemoaned the lack of true "Christmas" weather in their country - as defined by almost every movie and television show. With that in mind, I wanted something that touched on the topic but at the same time continue my series of sequels based on musicals that - for various reasons - omit the actual music. Merry Christmas!