Chapter 31 - What's She Like?
Behind closed eyes Mac instinctively knew the second they opened her brain would be assaulted by searing pain. She could feel the vestiges of a rough headache beating on her temples almost like the morning after a bender and she didn't drink. Dejectedly she cracked one eye open, its vision hazy and unfocused although something about her surroundings were definitely familiar.
She was on her side but was able to turn her head just enough to see the high ceiling with wooden beams, sparse shadows of light illuminating the rafters and the only other light came from somewhere in the kitchen - Harm's kitchen because she was still in his loft. Maybe she fell? Was the first thought that came to her mind. Moments earlier she'd been in his kitchen after changing out of her uniform to cozy jeans and a sweater.
Mac had finished cutting tomatoes and onions, tossing them into boiling water along with a few cloves of garlic and a sprig of rosemary for a simple red sauce that was the key ingredient to her lasagna. The loft smelled amazing and she'd begun tending to the sauce after cracking open a mineral water only to hear a loud knocking on his door.
"Don't tell me you forgot your own keys, sailor." She teased and stupidly forgot to look through the peephole because the moment the door swung open, something hit her with the force of a freight train knocking Mac out instantly.
Mac rolled onto her back as expected her head began to pound, a merciless rapping against her skull that threatened to make her black out again. She groaned in discomfort and it was at that moment when her senses came back to life and she noted a scent of rust tainting the air. No! Not rust, blood - hers. The stickiness at the bottom of her nose was unmistakable along with the grimy, matted sensation to the side of her face where a cut at her skull had the crimson liquid drip steadily down her cheek eventually drying.
Truly alarming was the fact that she could not move and she tried to get blood flow back to her hands and feet, Mac discovered both were bound as she lay in the center of Harm's living room. "Hello?"
"You're awake. Good." A disembodied voice echoed through the loft, the familiar timbre making a chill run down her spine. Mac shifted towards the sound of that voice, her eyes focusing on the woman sitting on Harm's sofa. The lack of lightning made her nothing but a silhouette of a female with long, frizzy hair. Licks of flames from the small fireplace at the corner of the loft illuminated Jordan enough so that Mac could see the gun glinting in her hand. "Sorry if the duct tape is too tight. It's all I could find on short notice."
She stood and slowly circled around flicking on the lamp that would make Mac wince and the ache in her head worsen. "Too bright? Yeah,I bet it hurts. I would apologize but, it was a knee jerk reaction to see your Corvette outside and when his key was missing from the usual spot...I overreacted, I guess."
"Where's Harm?"
"I was hoping you knew. I suppose he's on his way."
Mac sat up, enough so that she could press her back against the sofa taking some pressure off of her shoulder that she was lying on. "Would it be too much to ask you to let me go? My hands are numb."
"You're a Marine, stronger than me and I'm not stupid." Casually, Jordan slid into the chair in the corner and with a shaking hand she pointed the weapon at Mac. The Marine knew the pistol wasn't hers but the small Sig Sauer Harm kept in a lock box inside his desk drawer. "Can you tell I don't like these things?" She motioned to the pistol with distaste and placed it on the edge of the coffee table far enough from the Marine. "I'm not a violent person, far from it. You need to understand that."
Jordan's soft expression was that of a seasoned psychiatrist, the warmth that most of them exuded when speaking to a patient. It saddened Mac that the woman had come to this but then, she never liked Jordan to begin with. There was always something off that she tried to hide and Mac could see through it because she too was hiding her own demons. "What illness do you suffer from? Depression? Anxiety? Something else?"
"I'm not an addict like you if that's what you mean, Mac!"
"You're right. I'm an alcoholic and I've done terrible things because of it. Terrible things that I can't take back and will regret the day I die." Mac bit her lower lip and shifted again in hopes to loosen her ties without Jordan noticing. Keep her talking, that was the plan.
"Well, I am not addicted to anything… I don't have a disorder."
"I think you do." Mac pressed. "You're a fine psychologist, damned good at what you do. What am I missing? Are you bipolar? Did you stop taking your medication? I envy that you can at least take something. I live my life scared that if I even take one pain pill I'll become addicted and won't be able to stop myself."
Jordan's gaze softened again and she seemed to understand Mac's plight. She wasn't an addict, far from it but there were issues from her past that had brought up a series of health concerns that were currently ill resolved. "I'm not an addict. But, you're right..I am sick, I guess you could say. The medication I have to take makes me dizzy and nauseous, side effects I can't deal with if I want to function well at my job."
"I understand. I know it's not the same but, I understand."
"Do you? See, the thing is…" She paused and reached for the pistol, spinning it on the table with her fingers so that it went round and round while Jordan laughed mirthlessly. "Oh, I see what you did there… Playing the emotional card? Harm said you were a good lawyer, thinks you're better than him."
At the mention of her lover, Jordan's face fell as each and every memory of Harm detailing facts about Mac reared their ugly head. He was always bringing up the Marine in conversations, spoke the world of her. "Harm always talked about you. What's he like with you?"
Mac didn't answer out of fear that any affirmation of the depth of their relationship could tip the precarious balance. Instead, she tried to side with the other woman because, to a degree she felt remorse for the way Harm left her. They were supposed to be taking a 'break' and men didn't often understand how certain terms could be misconstrued. To Harm it meant they were through. To Jordan they were simply hitting pause. "Jordan, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two…" Mac should have stopped herself from falling into him so quickly - given the break up with Jordan some time. She loved him and that clouded rational thought.
"Who's fault was that, hmm? You had your hooks dug in him so deep he...did you know.. Did you know he said your name when we slept together? Your name not mine. He only ever seemed to really enjoy it when he thought about you."
"He told me...and I meant what I told you once.. I didn't believe I was a threat. He never, ever seemed to want me like that." It was a wonder the woman hadn't struck out sooner or hurt her so badly Mac could never recover. She cringed at Jordan's words and wondered, not for the first time, how it would feel if that had happened to her.
"And despite knowing we were together you had him anyway? Some friend you are!"
"You and me, we were never really friends. I'm sorry about that...I guess, in a way, I was jealous of what I could never have."
Jordan stood and thankfully left the pistol on the coffee table as she bounded towards Mac and landed a hard slap across the Marine's face. "You're a lying bitch. You never wanted to be friends with me, any of you...Not one damned person in that little clique of yours gave a shit. He called you his best friend, despite being with me. You were the one he went to and trusted above all else and let's be damned honest with each other - no man is just friends with a woman that looks like you. What the hell did you have to be jealous about?"
She supposed this was the reason why the military was so adamant in keeping women out - these crazed episodes that put a stain when others just wanted to serve. It wouldn't change the fact that she and Harm had blurred the lines not that it would have stopped Mac from falling for him. "I'm nothing special...Harm is just confused, lost...he was..."
"Seduced." The word slid off her lips like venom. "You seduced him and he needs to see you for what you are, a dirty whore who screws around while still married and fraternizes with any swinging dick that walks past her. You like the male attention at all costs and it's disgusting. You're a whore, Mac. Admit it."
Mac couldn't help the tear that slid down her cheek over the word she hated so damned much. She'd heard it repeatedly in her youth, the accusation of something she never was and never would be. Besides her mistake with Farrow, she wasn't… would never… could never… "My father used to call me that when I began dating as a teen. Made me wonder if no one was good enough for him or if it was me he loathed so much."
"Harm is good enough just not for you. Tell me, how long were you willing to string him along until you got bored and found something you thought better? How much of his heart were you willing to break just to get your kicks and toss him aside?"
The calm tone of Jordan's voice belied the crazed look in her eyes. She believed the words she was saying, had created a world in her mind and it was the only truth she knew. So Mac decided to change tactics in order to protect herself and hope Harm would get help before things got too bad. "You're right, he deserves so much better than me...Let me go, Jordan. I'll step aside, tell him to go to you and then I'll disappear from his life forever - I'll let you heal him."
Her wrists were a constant ache from the wriggling, the force of trying to get free. With the pistol so far away Mac hoped to propel herself forward and maybe knock Jordan out long enough to call the authorities.
"No!" Jordan rushed back to her original spot, seating herself at the armchair where she could continue to spin the pistol. "I'm not stupid, Mac. I know what you're doing and it wont work...We're just gonna have to sit here and wait."
The weapon would spin round and round stopping to point the barrel at various points of his apartment. Sometimes it would land on Mac who would then take a breath as she imagined the projectile slamming into her chest. She recalled how badly a gunshot wound hurt and the blood, the numbing sensation, the promise of death. Mac had never been so scared for her life as she was out in the Appalachians but, Harm's strength kept her moving, fighting. "Don't hurt him. Please, whatever you do, don't hurt Harm."
Jordan took the weapon, seeming to measure the weight with the palm of her hand. She still wasn't quite sure why she needed the gun but it made her feel in control, secure, invincible. And her sailor always had it in the same place. He pointed it out to her once given the nature of where his apartment was should she ever feel threatened.
"Jordan, please. Please promise me you won't hurt him."
"You need to shut up." In a flash of anger, she took the roll of duct tape which was also on the coffee table, broke off a long piece and pressed it roughly over Mac's lips. "I'm sick of hearing you speak."
Minutes seemed to trickle on like hours, each second closer to Harm's arrival. Without being noticed, Mac tried to rip through the tape on her wrists, wincing as they sliced over her delicate skin with its tiny fibers that made it so strong. And then it happened, she heard the sound of the elevator coming to life and her heart began to hammer hard against her chest. "No. Go away, please. Go away. Please, Harm. Leave!" Tightly she squeezed her eyes hoping beyond hope that he could hear her thoughts the way he heard her out in the middle of the ocean.
She saw the look in Jordan's eyes, the sick way she took the gun in her hand and aimed it towards the door. Mac was sure she'd shoot him right from the start and once she heard the jingle of keys and the sound of the tumbler turning, she began to make as much noise as possible, to writhe uncontrollably managing to hit the coffee table with her bound legs hard enough for it to smack into Jordan and throw off her aim.
"Mac? Why is it so dark…" Harm didn't finish the question for a second. Later a shot was fired, angled towards him but crashing into the wall just on the side of his head. He fell to the ground and crawled until he reached the back of his desk using it for cover. "Mac!?"
He couldn't hear her voice, only the muffled sounds of a woman trying to scream. Carefully he peaked over the top of the desk spotting her on the ground by his sofa, her hands and feet bound and a strip of tape covered her mouth. Her eyes met his, wide as if trying to warn him when a second shot hit the wall behind shattering the photograph of himself with his father. "I'm unarmed!"
"Get up and walk to me slowly."
"Jordan? What?" It was Jordan's voice and the disbelief stretched across his face as he stood and carefully began to move. The pistol was not trained on him but Jordan still held it in her hand which shook as she pointed it towards Mac. He noticed the blood then, caked to the side of her face with hair matted to it. She seemed so uncomfortable, her shoulders held back at an unnatural angle. Harm wanted to rage but he kept his emotions in check for both their sake.
"Are you okay?" He asked at Mac's nod he breathed a soft sigh of relief. Harm stopped where Jordan motioned him to his hand held up in surrender hoping to keep her calm. "I guess an 'I told you so' is in order?" Harm would have laughed at Mac's expression, the way her eyes flashed from concerned to annoyed. She was right, of course she was - her intuition was never off. "Let her go Jordan, this has nothing to do with Mac."
"Nothing? Nothing?! It has everything to do with her. Would you have left me if she didn't exist?"
"Yes. You spent our relationship trying to fix me like I was just another patient. Every thought that I shared with you even after we slept together. Everything required some sort of analysis. I thought being with you would be easy and uncomplicated. But, you were insecure and you let it show as much as possible and used it to manipulate me. And I let you."
"You never said a damn thing about it."
"Because I thought I was screwed up! You made me feel like I was!" Harm yelled, the anger making his voice shake. He rolled his fists into balls and held them tightly to his side. All of the mistakes that he made in reference to Jordan I've come to this and it was his fault, his cross to bear.
"I thought it was me, that I just couldn't commit." He admitted and even Mac had brought it up those few moments that he went to her for guidance on how to handle his relationship with Jordan. "I have my obsessions and you were trying to make yourself be one of them. You're trying to guilt me into feeling something I never would."
"Did you even love me? Just a little?"
"Jordan please.."
"Did you?" She watched him closely seeing the hard rise and fall of his chest as he struggled to control the situation that was clearly out of his hands. "Did you!? Answer me!"
"No." He said roughly and found that his answer had made Jordan lower the gun enough for Harm to start rounding towards Mac. "This isn't you Jordan. You don't do these things. You're smart, you're level-headed, kind and you know how to help people. Let Mac go, stay out of our lives and I won't press charges, I swear it."
His words almost sank in, Jordan almost believed him. But, she could not fathom him being with Mac, it just didn't make sense to her. Could he see that the Marine was using him? That she was using her likeness to an old flame to control him? Couldn't he see that Mac would eventually destroy him? "And let her hurt you? Let her manipulate you?"
The pistol came up again pointing at him. Jordan's hand shook, she wasn't the killing kind and had never hurt a living being in her life. Desperate times called for desperate measures and as the tension grew around them all he could see was the way Harm looked at Mac. Soft, loving eyes filled with concern - a look he rarely gave her. An ugly, gutted feeling made the tears sting her eyes which she brushed away with the back of one hand. "Stop looking at her! Look at me!"
Harm's eyes flashed her a quick glance and then they were back to the Marine where a silent conversation was being held. He moved his eyes rapidly, trying to get Mac out of the way when he tried to disarm Jordan. She protested with wide eyes filled with tears that wouldn't stop falling. "Goddamnit, Harmon! Look. At. Me! You love me. You do. She's just clouding your judgement. You think she's someone else."
"No."
"Tell her, Harmon...Tell her you love ME." Jordan's hand was steady this time, pointing it straight at his chest while Harm stared at her defiantly. "Tell her!"
"No...I won't.
Mac had managed to get some of the tape off her mouth, rubbing an edge roughly against her shoulder despite the pain. "Harm just tell her please! Don't get hurt because of me."
"Tell that whore Marine the truth!" Manically, she pointed the weapon between them, back and forth not knowing what target to settle on. "What did she do to you? Is she that good of a lay to cause you to lose your mind? I love you. I can promise you a future: wholesome, loving, pure...what can she offer you? What can she offer? What's she like? What's she like, Harm?"
Harm had managed to get closer, slowly moving inch by inch until he was close enough to pounce. He kept his hands up in surrender and eyes that were once only on Mac were now trying to plead with the crazed woman. "Jordan, you won't hurt me. Put the gun down."
"You never wanted me, did you? You used me like every other man in my life. You're a sick bastard, Harmon Rabb. And now, you'll never have her."
It happened in a flash, the second Jordan pointed the pistol directly at Mac. Harm hurled himself towards her as two shots went off, one of them missing the Marine who had managed to toss her body out of the way, the other grazing his shoulder as he tackled Jordan sending both of them slamming through the coffee table, shattering it.
Four Weeks Later
"Never thought I'd see you again." Jordan was clearly surprised to find Harm in the hospital's visiting room with a badge attached to his winter blues. He looked as handsome as ever and a pang of remorse passed through her mind as she tried to recall what got her to the State's mental hospital.
"Never thought I wanted to." He stood and waited for her to sit for him to settle in across from her. He noted the clothing she wore, the beige scrubs that were entirely too big. "How are you?
"Do you honestly care?"
"I do. I would have liked to remain friends with you before you tried to hurt her." At the mention of Mac, he saw the jealousy flash in her eyes and the soft smile of her lips turned into a terse kind. "Mac urged me to come and visit, to make some sort of peace."
Jordan rolled her eyes and laughed without much feeling. The urge to launch herself at him was tempered only because of the guards nearby and the medication that stopped those impulses from manifesting past useless thoughts. "Mac, hmm? It's always about her with you. I guess you really do love her."
"Yes, I do."
"I guess and 'I'm sorry' is in order then?" It was a piss poor apology, Jordan knew but then, she really wasn't sorry for a damned thing. In her heart she still believed the Marine was evil for him and only she could set him free. Time had a way of healing all wounds and bringing truths out to the light - it was only time until he came back for her. "You know, the doctors always said I would be fine if I took my medication."
"Mac said they were making you sick?"
Jordan nodded. "Headaches, nausea. I couldn't see patients if I was sick. I wouldn't have met you." Carefully, she reached across the table in effort to take his hand but Harm only pulled it away as if her touch would burn him. "Oh. I see." She glared at him, any love being replaced by unbridled hatred, maybe she should have shot him, ended this longing she had for him. "I still love you. I'll always love you."
He saw that familiar manic look in her eyes, the one she gave him back in the loft. It made him realize she would never be alright and all of the regrets he had over hurting her vanished in that moment. Mac came to him at the right time, saved him from a relationship that could have killed him. "Get the help you need, Jordie."
When he stood, she did as well and threw herself at him, her arms wrapping around so tightly. "I love you… eventually you'll come back. You'll come back."
"Jordan, please." Calmly, he pulled her off of him and noticed the guards closing in as well. Two of them grabbed at Jordan, each taking one arm as they pulled her away, kicking and screaming.
"What's she like, Harm? What's she like?" Harm turned and began to walk away never looking back and from behind he could hear Jordan's shouts claiming to love him, professing he'd return. He just kept walking.
Once he reached the parking lot, he spotted Mac's red Corvette and slipped into the passenger's seat taking a deep breath once he felt safe enough to do so. "How is she?" Mac asked although it was clear from the look on his face that the meeting had not gone well at all.
"Not good."
"You feel bad for her." She said and when he nodded slowly, Mac reached across and took his hand. She slid as close as possible and held him in her arms. "She wasn't well, Harm. Nothing can change that. You couldn't have fixed her either."
"I know. Just wish I could have helped her sooner."
"You're a good man…" When she released him her hand threaded through his, squeezing reassuringly as he took a deep breath and let it out. "Sometimes you can't help everyone no matter how hard you try."
"I know." It was over, all of it and now it was time to heal. Harm brought their joined hands up so that he could brush his lips over her knuckles. "You could have been killed, I won't ever be able to forgive her for that. She could have done so much damage and I let her. I let her because I thought I could control it... I'm sorry, Mac."
"We both let her. I was just as guilty. It's time to move on."
He agreed and leaned in to gently kiss her. "So Colonel, what are you up to next weekend?" Harm asked, with his mouth hovering just over hers, he kissed her again and once more before retreating to his side of her vehicle. "It's a long weekend, I'm sure we can tack on an extra day or two."
HIs voice took that tone, the one that made her toes curl and her tummy tingle. It was just close to being his seductive bedroom voice and Mac found herself sighing. "What did you have in mind?"