"Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul."

― Dave Pelzer

Listen ok I've literally had the idea for this fic for at least two years. I started writing this back in like March. I am so happy this is finally done omg.

I'm sorry if you find the ending is kinda messy/rushed/doesn't make sense, it's 5am and I just wanted to finish this lol.

Anyway yeah it's 5am and I can't think of any notes to put in other than (obviously) this is taking place after Sendak invades the castle and that whole mess. I suck at summaries and titles so I'm sorry.

I hope you enjoy anyway! Pls leave me comments they make me happy thank u

For the past couple of days Pidge has desperately tried to avoid sleeping for this very reason.

She knew that she'd have to face that day's events at some point, but she figured she would deal with it whenever Shiro or Lance did. After all, they're the ones who got hurt (er...tortured, in Shiro's case), not her. Sure, she saw Lance laying motionless after shielding Coran from the explosion (which she definitely doesn't blame herself for at all) and she thought for sure he was dead...but so did everyone else. Yeah, she heard Shiro's anguished screams from whatever torture Sendak decided to inflict upon him, but Lance had to have heard that too, right? Or Hunk and Coran when they were watching through the security footage later while waiting for Lance to get out of the healing pod. She…

She did kill someone.

Well, not on purpose. But her actions directly led to his death, and she didn't try to save him, she didn't even feel bad for him, she only felt bad for her dear robot friend. She still doesn't really feel bad for him, just feels bad for what she did, and she really feels bad that she doesn't feel bad.

But she shouldn't feel bad. He was trying to kill her! His death was an accident! Either way, Voltron has knowingly and intentionally destroyed entire Galra ships and there had to have been deaths from that. All of her teammates have been involved in that. So it doesn't make sense to her that this one Galra, who was hurting her and her friends, who absolutely would have killed her if he hadn't been killed first, his death is the one that's destroying her. It makes no sense.

It really makes no sense that, while every single person (or alien) on this ship lived through the same events she did, she's the one currently sobbing and gagging over the toilet, fighting for breath after accidentally falling asleep in her lab and having a nightmare. Which she knew would happen if she fell asleep. Which is why she was trying to not sleep.

She desperately gasped for breath, trembling so hard she couldn't see straight. Her throat and chest burned and her entire body ached so badly, she didn't know how long she'd been kneeling here honestly. It felt like hours. She wanted this to be over. She wanted to get up and leave, go back to her lab and get back to work and forget about this. But before tonight she hadn't slept more than a few minutes in days - once she was remotely comfortable again she would fall back asleep, she would have more dreams, dreams about Lance or Shiro or Matt or Earth or Haxus-

She retched again, but nothing was coming up anymore. She didn't know how much more of this she could take. She couldn't breathe and she couldn't stop crying, every sob that forced it's way out of her body felt like a hammer to her chest. She knew she needed to focus on trying to get a deep breath in, then she would start to calm down and everything would be fine.

As her breathing started to regulate, her tears slowed and the nausea finally started to subside so she picked her head up and sat back on her feet. She flushed the toilet and tried to stand up, but as soon as she got one of her legs out from under her and started to stand, her ears began ringing and spots danced in her vision. The world tilted to the left and next thing she knew she was on the floor again, this time laying on her side. She curled up into herself, still trembling, her breathing shallow yet again. It wouldn't be worth it to try and get up again, she didn't have the energy or will power to try it anyway. She wasn't built for fighting, if this was what it entailed; she couldn't do this anymore.

Lance stumbled down the hallway towards the bathroom, still half asleep. He knew he shouldn't have drank so much of that weird space punch before bed. It was tasty, though...maybe he'll grab another glass on his way back to his room…

He finally reached the bathroom but was too tired to realize that the lights were already on. Once he opened the door he was blinded with the unexpected light, and the stench of vomit slapped him awake. After he had a second to process the attack on his senses, his eyes focused and he saw Pidge curled into a ball on the floor on the other side of the room. "Oh my g- Pidge, are you okay?" He rushed over to her. She didn't answer his question or show any sign of even knowing he was there. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was shaking. He knelt down beside her, hands hovering over her body, not sure what to do. "Pidge?" He tries again. He gently places a hand on her arm. Her eyes open wide, pupils constricting. He recoils, thinking he scared her or hurt her. She turns her head slightly and finally sees him.

"Lance..?" Her voice was weak and quiet. He sighs in relief and helps her sit up.

"Good god Pidge, what happened?" He's never seen her, or anyone for that matter, like this, so out of it. He was scared, his heart pounding, he didn't know what to do to help her. She was kind of laying on him, holding a hand to the side of her head, her eyes shut again. Man, she was so dizzy. She must've hit her head when she passed out earlier… She was probably dehydrated, too. Crying and throwing up for hours will do that to you. "You're shaking…" Lance commented, trying to hold her upright.

She didn't answer him. Instead she opened her eyes, blinking several times to get used to the light (and so her head would stop spinning). She slowly sat up on her own, finally able to support her own weight. Lance was still right beside her, just in case. "What happened, Pidge?" He asked again, still worried but more steady this time.

"I…" Her throat was dry, it came out like a croak. She swallowed and tried again, "I don't…" wait, shit, he's supposed to be resting. She can't tell him everything and make him worry even more! And she wasn't even the one who got hurt from that day...he shouldn't be the one comforting her. "It's...nothing, really. I guess I just wasn't feeling good. I'm okay now." She was surprised she was able to keep her voice steady.

"Nope, no way, don't even try to pull that shit on me. You're definitely not okay, you passed out! You're sick!" He shouted, exasperatedly, inching closer to her. He placed a hand on her back to keep her grounded and hopefully offer some comfort. "How...how long have you been in here anyway?" His voice was softer now.

"...I dunno. I'm not sick." She started to stand up, Lance noticed so he quickly stood, too, and helped her up. She half-heartedly tried to brush him off, avoiding eye-contact the entire time, even though his worrying eyes were burning holes in the side of her head. She took a step to leave.

"Where are you going?" He stopped her.

"To the kitchen to get some water." Her throat was raw and her mouth was so dry. She started walking again. He followed her. "What are you doing?" She asked, annoyed.

"There's no way I'm leaving you alone, Pidge, I just found you passed out in the bathroom." He said irritably, as if she forgot. She sighed and kept walking, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other rather than how much further she had to walk in order to get to the kitchen. The distance usually wasn't a problem - this ship was so big, every room felt miles apart. She got used to it pretty quickly. But tonight she was just so tired and she still felt unsteady.

They walked in silence for a bit, until Lance broke it. "Okay, so, you're not sick, fine, whatever. That still doesn't explain anything. Are you gonna tell me what happened or am I gonna have to drag you to Shiro's room and have him pull it out of you?"

"No," she shook her head. Bad idea. The slight motion plus the fact that the halls were so dark she could barely see ten feet in front of her caused the dizziness to come back full force and she swayed, reaching out for something to steady her. What she found was Lance, who was absolutely fed up.

"Alright, that's it," he pulled her upright and started walking, almost carrying her, "I'm taking you to the infirmary and I'm gonna get Coran to help you-"

"No!" She planted her feet as firmly as she could, causing Lance to stop.

"Why not?!" He sounded angry but his face showed nothing but concern.

"I-I don't wanna bother anyone!" Her voice broke on the last word and she felt tears stinging her eyes. The hall was silent now, save for Pidge's staggered breathing. Lance loosened his grip on her, her tears falling.

"Pidge...what's going on? Please tell me, I want to help you. You're really scaring me." He had to fight back tears of his own now. If she was refusing help for this, he thought, then what else is she hiding? There's obviously something very wrong. He knew she was stubborn but...damn.

"I want water, please just take me to the kitchen." She knew she looked and sounded absolutely pitiful right now, if she wasn't the one who was so upset and sleep deprived she would be laughing. But holy shit she was so thirsty.

"Okay...okay," he picked her up and carried her bridal style, "you'll tell me what's up?" He asked carefully. After a beat, she nodded slowly, wiping her tears away. They were silent the rest of the way there.

They got to the kitchen and Lance wordlessly helped her sit down at the counter, then grabbed her a water pouch and set it down in front of her. She quietly thanked him and sipped from it. Lance stood on the opposite side of the counter, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, impatiently waiting for her to start talking.

"I'm sorry." His head snapped up. He raised an eyebrow in confusion, he wasn't expecting her to start with that. She still wasn't looking at him, though, just playing with the corner of the pouch in front of her. He opened his mouth to say something but she continued before he could get any words out.

"I'm not great at...asking for help. And I'm not the one who got hurt, so I-I just...I don't know." She looked really uncomfortable, and tired. Lance was confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"When Sendak invaded the castle." Her brows furrowed, still not looking at him.

"...oh." Lance had gotten out of the healing pod a couple days ago, and he talked to Hunk later that day so he was doing alright, all things considered, he had his support. Also the fact that he didn't really have to live through a lot of what happened during the invasion since he was unconscious for most of it helped a lot too. "I mean...I'm okay. Just because you didn't get hurt doesn't mean that you can't be upset about what happened, it was scary." Pidge didn't know what happened next, words just started falling out of her mouth before she could even process what she was saying. She blamed it on sleep deprivation.

"I thought you died. We all did. Allura and Keith were trapped outside of the castle, they were counting on me to let them in and stop Sendak from launching and hurting you and Shiro. Sendak kept you guys hostage. He made me listen to him torture Shiro and he said he would only stop if I surrendered myself. I…" Her throat tightened and oh god was she crying AGAIN? "Haxus, and Rover...it's all my fault, I k-" she couldn't even say it. I killed them. She buried her face in her hands, quietly sobbing.

Lance was stunned. That's...a lot for one person to go through. He had briefly been told about that fight, but it hurt to hear the messy parts coming from Pidge. He walked over and hugged her from the side. He swallowed before he started talking, "Pidge, you did what you had to do. You saved everyone."

She pulled her hands a couple inches from her face, "I-I killed someone and I don't even feel bad about it! Why don't I feel bad about it...?" She sobbed. He turned her so she was facing him and her arms fell limply in her lap. He crouched down to be eye-level with her, though she quickly averted her gaze in shame. His eyes stayed on hers, regardless.

"He was trying to kill you. His boss was hurting your friends and trying to hand over the universe's greatest hope of surviving to a genocidal maniac. You did the right thing - you don't feel bad because something in that crazy little head of yours agrees." Lance was surprised at how steady and certain his voice was. Of course he believed the words he was saying, but he'd never seen Pidge upset before tonight and it was kinda scary, seeing the usually stubborn, witty, strong girl so broken. Also the fact that he was currently trying to comfort a 14-year-old child who had recently murdered someone out of necessity in order to save the entire universe was...so insane. He was too young for this. She was too young for this. They were all way too fucking young for this, and he was angry that the fate of the universe was lying on the shoulders of a bunch of kids and that they were suffering even though this had absolutely nothing to do with any of them.

"But..." She couldn't come up with an argument. The logical part of her brain knew that Lance was right, and she didn't really have any other choice that day. But the fact that she had to do it still hurt a lot. She sighed, keeping her eyes down. Her sobs had long since stopped and only quiet tears and sniffles remained. "It still sucks." She finally settled on saying.

"I know," Lance said sympathetically, "and I'm so sorry you had to do it." He stood up and opened his arms, silently offering a hug, a small, sad smile on his face. Pidge finally looked up at him, she matched his smile and reached her arms out, accepting the offer. Lance quickly closed the distance between them, Pidge's head laid on his chest.

They stayed like that for a while, settling in a comfortable silence. Lance knew this conversation wasn't over. It was upsetting, to say the least, that Pidge had been keeping all of this to herself, even though it was clearly destroying her. She was going to have to talk about it again at some point if she's ever going to be able to move on and heal. What they were doing out here, it was scary, and dangerous. Right now they only had each other and they had to be able to help each other if they were going to make it through this war with any semblance of sanity. Lance's thoughts were interrupted by soft snoring. He smiled and carefully picked the sleeping girl up to carry her back to her room. They could talk about this some other day.

Right now, Pidge was sleeping peacefully.

THE END