Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its original characters. No copyright infringement is intended with the posting of this story.
A/N: Welcome back and thanks for returning. I truly appreciate all the feedback I received from the prologue! I've definitely had a lot of fun with this one so it's nice to hear some of you are already enjoying it.
Many many thanks to my amazing beta, BPlemons. Any and all mistakes are mine because I changed quite a bit after she'd worked her magic.
To those of you who picked up on the similarities between the opening of this fic and the preface of Twilight, good job! That was exactly what I was talking about in my last A/N. *applause*
..*.. Christmas Card Casanova ..*..
.Part One.
Today's the day.
The beginning of the holiday weekend.
A weekend I've been both anticipating and dreading for months.
With Christmas music blaring from the speakers in the living room, I spin past my roommate to check our stack of mail then carefully lean my body against the wall.
A heavy sigh leaves my lips when I see the usual end of the month bills mixed in with a bunch of wasteful junk mail.
Water... Lame.
Electric... Boo.
Cable… Why are we still paying for this crap?
Yup. Merry freaking Christmas to us.
I shift the last piece of mail to the front of the stack and feel my brow raise with sudden interest.
It's a postcard with a red faced Santa holding a large frothy beer while he surfs a massive wave standing beside a reindeer.
I turn the card over and within seconds my smile begins to double.
..*..
Hello Inhabitant Of My Former Dwelling,
I'm drunk just a few blocks over, but this is the only other address I can remember so, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, ya filthy animal!
Cheers & Beers,
Edward M. Cullen
P.S. Reach behind the water heater. You're welcome.
..*..
"What in the world?" I whisper, then quickly check the receiving address to make sure we didn't receive someone else's mail by accident.
There's something about his handwriting... and the way he's signed his name… It seems a wee-bit sus.
For being a drunk postcard writer, he certainly has excellent penmanship, and his wit is pretty much on point.
I mean, who doesn't love a good Home Alone reference?
It's only one of my absolute favorite Christmas movies... right up there with Christmas With the Kranks.
Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis are national treasures, so don't you dare judge me.
My index finger traces Edward M. Cullen's fancy signature one last time and then I push my body away from the wall to head back into the kitchen.
Who sends a perfect stranger a holiday greeting with a stamp in the actual mail?
Everything about this is seriously strange, but at the same time I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by Mr. Cullen's randomness.
"What'cha got there, B?"
I jump the moment Rose places her chin over my shoulder to notice what I'm grasping in my hand.
That's when I realize I'm holding the stupid card as if it's some golden ticket that will grant me a once in a lifetime opportunity to stuff my face with massive amounts of free chocolate.
"Nothing. Some drunk weirdo who used to live here sent our apartment a season's greetings." I tell her before handing it over to examine.
"Poor guy. Maybe he needs a friend?"
My shoulders shrug indifferently, "Yeah well, I'm not his therapist, so he'll have to continue to drown his sorrows in whatever it is he was drinking when he wrote it."
"Bellanezer Scrooge, how dare you! What if this is the universe testing us? What if he's some widowed rich guy who won the lottery right after his wife died and that's why he moved out, to suffocate the memories they shared between these walls?"
"Okay that's it." I laugh, "No more cheesy Christmas movies for you. I'm officially cutting you off."
"Stop being such a Debbie Downer! Come on let's look him up. This could actually be fun!"
"What?!" I snort, "Rose, honey, I love you, but I don't need any pet projects right now. He's probably some lush who just got dumped right before the holidays."
"Huh… I wonder who that reminds me of?"
I spin around to glare in her direction, then throw the first thing my hand touches.
Lucky for her it's a decorative snowman made of cotton and twine that my grandmother made for me when I was a child, "I dumped him, ya jerk! And let's keep Jake out of this. Alright?"
She ducks like a ninja and moves around the counter to grab our shared iPad without even taking in breath, "Yeah yeah, don't pretend you haven't been having second thoughts about calling off your wedding. I know you better than you know yourself, Bella Swan!"
She pauses, but I say nothing because I refuse to entertain her accusation with actual words.
"Okay, how about this... let's see what pops up after a quick Google search. There's absolutely no harm in that."
I roll my eyes trying to ignore her and begin putting away our dishes while I enjoy a couple of minutes of silence.
"Holy jawline, Batman! Seriously! If this is him, Bella, he's fucking goregous! And according to his Facebook profile, he's single!"
She shoves the iPad in front of my face, but I push it back since my eyes are now crossed thanks to it's screen being pressed against my nose.
"Just look! I'm telling you, everything about this screams destiny! I refuse to let you ignore it!"
"Rose, it's a postcard from an alcoholic who used to cook in our kitchen and shit in our bathroom. I know it's Christmas Eve, but can we please not act like he's the second coming of Jesus Christ?"
The look on my friend's face is ridiculous.
It's now clear she's on a mission.
"Don't." I warn, trying my best to not smirk.
"What? I didn't say anything."
"Doesn't matter. I'll smack you if you refuse to let this go. Go ahead, I dare you." I challenge, then grab a box of crackers so I can start stacking squares of cheese onto them for tonight's party.
"Okay okay, just one more thing and then I'll leave it alone."
Out of the corner of my eye I can see her typing fervently on the iPad screen.
"Do I even want to know what you're doing?"
"Probably not, but you might want to plan on having one more guest this evening, because I just sent Edward M. Cullen a friend request and according to his most recent post, he's looking for something fun to do tonight."
As much as I'd like to call my best friend a liar, I know better than to waste my time.
This is absolutely something she would do, so now I'm going to have to kill her before New Years, but I have no idea what I'll do with her body.
"Unsend it and block him, Rosalie! What if he's a damn serial killer and this is how he finds his next victim?"
"Stop overreacting. You could use some titty tingling excitement these days rather than constantly swiping left on Tinder all night!"
"No, I have zero time to coddle some lonely man when we're a few hours away from hosting our actual real life friends before facing my family tomorrow!"
"He actually doesn't seem too lonely, Bells. In fact… I'm kinda surprised he doesn't already have plans for Christmas Eve, looking at his very active Snapchat."
On impulse I grab the tablet and finally look down at the screen.
The face that grins back at me sends a hard tremor to my knees.
His eyes are so intense... but his smile… It seems strangely comforting.
It's definitely a weird combination and I'm not sure what to make of it, but it's certainly captured my panties… I mean ATTENTION!
His. Face. Has. Captured. My. Attention.
Not my panties!
Yet...
GodDammit!
What. Is. Happening?!
"See! He's gorgeous! And according to his LinkedIn, he has a stable career so he can't be too much of a drunk."
"He owns a brewery, Rose! A brewery here in Asheville! GIANT red flag!"
"But he owns it! That's a win! Come on. Let's just see what happens if we—"
As soon as she turns her back to me I know I need to worry.
"What are you doing?!" I try to jump around her to get a better look, but with each attempt I make she blocks me like a goddamn linebacker.
"There. Now we wait."
"Please don't tell me you just slid into his DM's!" I laugh, "Emmett is going to kill you!"
"Oh, I didn't send him anything. You did."
My eyes go wide.
I instantly snatch the device from her hand.
She's not lying.
It's my account she's signed on to... Meaning it's my Instant Messenger that's reached out to the weirdo drunk who has invaded our mailbox this morning and already found ways to make me smile.
"You really should learn to sign out when you're done fem-simping on the web, sweet-sweet Bella of mine."
"I'm going to freaking kill you!" I screech as I tap the screen trying to find a way to undo what she's done even though I already know it's an impossible mission.
"Look hon, you need a rebound. Jake is out there getting his dick wet again. It's time for you to start doing some slicking of your own."
"ROSE! This is not some romantic romcom moment where I bumped into someone at the supermarket while reaching for the same stupid bottle of wine!"
My best friend laughs and taps the tip of my nose with her index finger, "Look, I'm tired of seeing you sulk in the living room. I'd already told myself today would be the day I forced you to put on some eyeliner and bat your lashes at one of Em's former frat buddies tonight. This guy right here seems like he'd be a lot more fun. It's okay to live a little now that you're single!"
"When I tell Emmett about this he's going to help me have you committed."
DING
"Oh my God! He's already responded! It's happening, Bellaneezer! Your very own Christmas miracle!"
My eyes roll hard and I tap the screen with so much force I almost send it to the ground.
..*..
Hello, Bella Swan. Thanks for reaching out. Yes, I am, The Edward M. Cullen. Sender of drunken postcards… intruder of your mailbox. As for your other question, no I am not a serial killer. I hope that doesn't disappoint you too much. See, I'm much more picky when it comes to my calculated kills, so I don't think my body count is quite high enough to join the big leagues… yet.
Kidding.
So, did you look behind the water heater?
..*..
"Gah! I got so lost in his jawline I completely forgot about the water heater!" Rose yelps as she leaps across the room.
I watch her bend down in the laundry room and see her body go stiff before she pulls out a small metal tin.
"EW! What if it's the pinky finger from one of his victims!" I exclaim, already laughing nervously as I continue to watch.
"Oh my God, Bella! The guy must bank at that brewery of his because It's… it's five hundred freaking dollars!"
"What the hell? Shut up!"
She proves it by waving the cash in the air and I feel my jaw instantly drop.
"Write him back! Tell him thanks, and that you'll gladly be his filthy animal!"
I don't even know what to say.
This has to be a joke.
It's absolutely insane.
Things like this don't happen in real life.
"I feel like I'm on some hidden camera show." I mumble after staring back down at the screen.
"See!" Rose yelps, "Christmas miracles do exist! Thank the man, Bellanezer, and tell him he's made you a true believer in Christmas magic!"
Everything about this seems so surreal.
I don't even know what to think, let alone know how to respond.
Five minutes ago my day was going to be filled with cleaning and prepping for our small holiday party… Now I'm being pulled in by some weirdo who drunk carded us and can't keep track of his finances?
"Please Bella! We'll have everyone here tonight. It would be a completely safe environment! Invite the man over so we can say thank you with an open bar and Pinterest inspired snacks!"
"Fine. You win." I breathe, then start typing before I can change my mind.
..*..
Thank you kindly, former inhabitant of my current dwelling, but as you know, rent will take another seven bills. Got anymore hiding places to cover us into the new year?
..*..
Within seconds he's replying.
Rose gasps and falls onto the sofa after biting down on her finger to silence her squeals of excitement.
My eyes roll at the sight of her dramatics and I take a seat beside her, "Stop. I need to focus. It's been awhile since I've actually had to flirt," I laugh just as a new response rolls in.
..*..
Ah well, I'm afraid that's the only hiding spot I can remember right now. At least until you confirm you're not a cop... Ha! Happy to spread some holiday cheer though. Thanks for not being completely freaked out by my randomness. My business partner got us those stupid postcards and demanded I send at least one out. You became the obvious winner. As a bonus, I do have a tip about the toilet. If it's running non stop, you can stick a paper clip through the chain inside the tank. The last one I used has probably rusted out by now. Once again, you're welcome. ;)
..*..
"Bella! That is a damn cry for help! He's talking about our toilet! Invite him over tonight! Do it! Do it now!"
I laugh at my friends' continued pressure and quickly back out of Messenger so I can scan Edward's social media a little more.
He really is handsome.
And he does seem to have a lot of friends who like to go out and have fun.
Nothing about him screams legit weirdo.
If anything, he seems more normal than... me… which is... sad.
..*..
Well, a Happy Holidays to you, Edward M. Cullen. My roommate Rose and I will toast to your name this evening by your old fireplace.
Actually, if you're not doing anything later... feel free to stop by. We're having some friends over for a small Christmas Eve gathering to destress a little... before facing our families tomorrow. No pressure, but there will be plenty of liquor to help stimulate conversation.
..*..
Rose is literally jumping on the couch like an absolute lunatic on speed with her cellphone in one hand, and her blonde hair clenched in the other.
"Please let him say yes! Please let him say yes! OMG, Alice is going to die when she hears about this!"
Ding
..*..
Sounds fun, Bella Swan. Maybe I'll bring some beer and we can go on a treasure hunt together once you prove to me you're not a cop.
..*..
I giggle like a stupid girl and slowly begin to shake my head, "This is such a bad idea... but I...I think I actually want to meet him."
"Magic! This is one hundred percent Christmas magic, Bella, and I am so glad I'll be here for it!"
"Please calm down. He said maybe. That's not a yes."
"Oh he's coming, darling... and I have a pretty good feeling you'll be coming too before the night is over!"
I grab a pillow and launch it into my best friend's face, then lean back into the sofa to send Edward my final response.
..*..
Well, you already know the address, Postcard Casanova. I guess we'll see you if we see you. FYI, beer usually isn't my thing, but if it's from your brewery, I guess I'll have to try it. ;)
..*..
As soon as I hit send I close my Messenger app, but this time, I also make it a point to log out of ALL my accounts just before Rose tackles me onto the couch.
A/N: So now that Edward has gotten an invite to move past Bella's mailbox and step into her life, how will their first face to face meeting go? Will her friends welcome him into their circle, or will they decide to make things a little difficult? More banter and treasure hunting to come, that I can promise. ;)
I'd like to say the next update will go up tomorrow evening, but it could be Friday depending on how crazy my own Christmas Eve goes... *fingers crossed* for smooth sailing.
***Reviews are the very best Christmas gift!***