Just a little holiday romp for the discords Christmas gift challenge. If you want to see other holiday fics then check out /collections/AddamsFamilyHolidayExchange

The prompt was to Complete a small Grandmama's recipe book.

Usual disclaimer warnings. Happy holidays everyone!

It was December 9th and Grandmama finally found herself in a Christmas mood. She'd spent all morning fighting the rust before managing to open up her windows and invite the chilly air. The radio was blaring music so she decided to do a light bit of dusting and decorating.

"Grandma got run over by a reindeer," she sang along, snapping her fingers to the beat.

"-Walking home from our house Chr- HEY. DOROTHY!" she exclaimed, pulling out a jar. She had completely forgotten about her old companion since the war.

She cracked open the bottle and took a whiff, "Oh you're going on the tree for sure," she grinned, settling the mummified rat on the side table.

This was definitely a good sign that she was on the right track today. It made her shimmy her shoulders and hips to the beat, "She was drinking too much Eggnog, hey yea. And we told her not-"

"Hey, Grandmama!"

Pubert bounced into the room carrying a picture frame. It was as tall as the six-year-old, but that didn't stop him from sidestepping the cauldron and resting it on her bed.

"I got the picture you wanted!"

"Excellent," she grinned, "Hang it up over there."

Pubert did as he was told and hung up the picture of the depressed fat man on his deathbed next to her barren tree.

"Done! Hey what are you doing?" he asked. The room was a mess. More than usual. There were posters and books and clothes everywhere, and the rare strip of light from the opened window exposed the cracked black paint, and years of cobwebs. Maybe if he played his cards right, his Grandmama would let him eat them for dessert tonight!

"Oh, some decorating and all that."

"Can I help?" he exclaimed, already sliding up next to her.

Grandmama saw an opportunity she couldn't resist. As good as finding Dorothy was, this damn cleaning was starting to mess with her Arthritis.

"Hmm, it depends. Did you eat your vegetables today?"

"Nope!" he beamed, showing his row of sharp teeth.

"Great! Just uhh.." she looked around trying to find something for him to do. No sense in having him around without doing a little labor every once in a while, "-uhh dust those snow globes for me and put it on the shelf."

"Alright!"

"Call me if you need anything," said Grandmama as she abandoned him at the shelf, making herself busy with decorating her tiny tree.

He began dusting the globes, staring at the car crashes and natural disasters behind the glass. He'd never admit it, but sometimes he liked this way more than his father's trains. He couldn't help but shake one of them a little, giggling in surprise when a severed head started floating along with the red and white snow.

"Hey, I ain't paying you to play around with my stuff!" She shouted from across the room

Pubert began dusting quicker, not resisting the urge to shake each globe a little so it snowed. In his haste, he tripped and fell into the shelf, knocking over a heavy book that narrowly managed to miss crushing his head.

"Hey, are you ok kiddo?" Grandmama called as she made her way over to him. Pubert was about to answer when his eyes caught something funny. The book in front of him opened on its own and landed on its ripped last page.

"Limba-" he could barely make out the big words, but he instantly recognized what this was from the semi ripped picture.

Pubert's eyes went wide, shocked that he found his Grandmama's old secret recipe book. He thought it was made up.

"Hey what do ya have there?" she snatched the book from off the floor effortlessly, before placing it back on the top row.

"Why're ya looking at me like that?"

Pubert shook his head to wear off the shock before exclaiming, "That's your old recipe book!"

"Yeah?"

"And the last page is your big super secret recipe!"

Grandmama cringed at that, running her fingers through her matted hair before waving dismissively at him, "Oh no that's just some Yak soup recipe."

"No, it isn't!" He insisted following her as she walked away, "Wednesday and Pugsley told me all about it! They said it was guarded by magical spells, and all who attempted to make it would be cursed forever!" he said excitedly.

"Hmm."

"Yea. They said the recipe has only been made a handful of times and one bite could poison a whole village!"

Damn nosey kids. She switched the radio off, already growing tired for the day.

"Hey forget about those globes, why don't you help me decorate the tree?" she offered, holding up a jar of green, yellow, and red human teeth.

Pubert looked at her for a moment before crossing his arms over his chest, "Tell me the truth."

Grandmama resisted the urge to chuckle at her littlest grandson. He really was the perfect mix of her daughter and son-in-law.

"Alright kiddo it is true. Mostly anyways. The curse is less so a curse, but more like chronic indigestion for a long time. That's why I only made it on special occasions."

"Really? Well, Christmas is a special occasion. Can you make it for the dinner?"

"Heck no!" she barked.

"Aww, why not!"

"Nah kid. I got too rusty. Haven't made one of those since 04."

Pubert gave her a questioning look and she had some time to kill, so she took him on her lap and told him stories of the old days. When she was her younger but equally gorgeous self living in a coven along with her four best friends. How they would spend days, weeks, sometimes months crafting their recipes, traveling to the ends of the earth to find the freshest berries and herbs, and painstakingly labor over the cauldron to get the perfect taste. She showed him the scar on her calf she got from wrestling the alligator for his tooth, and even some of the old fading pictures that survived the decades.

"And after we nearly got separated during the war, we knew we needed to get home by November. Fortunately, Mabel made...relations with a pilot who smuggled us and the Japanese lizard back stateside just in time."

"Wow!" Pubert gasped, wide eyes beaming up at her.

"Grandmama?" he asked after a moment.

"Yea?"

"How old are you?" he blinked

She bristled and resisted the urge to shove him off her lap, "I'll tell ya when you're older." Fortunately, he accepted that answer.

"But that still doesn't explain why you won't make your surprise recipe. I know Mabel went crazy and Susan and the others are still missing but I could help you!"

"Ha, you? Oh please."

"I so could," He hopped off her lap, "You said it yourself, the main ingredients are the tongue of a viper, a sleeping baby Chamois and golden eagles preserved heart," he said, counting them off his fingers, "I could get them for you and be back before Christmas. Then we'll make the recipe together!"

"Forget it, kid. Besides, how are you even gonna get to those places?"

"Oh, I have my contacts."

She snorted at that, "What conta-" she turned around to see Pubert already racing out the door.

"Wait! " she called, "How are you even gonna get the ingredients back here!"

"Amazon!" he yelled before disappearing down the halls.

Amazon? What the hell was that supposed to mean? She thought maybe she should go ahead and speak to the boy, but she worked hard enough for the day and he'd probably forget about it in 15 minutes anyway. So she went ahead and awarded herself with a nice mid-afternoon nap for all her hard work.

Pubert didn't show up to dinner that night and after 7, Gomez and Morticia gathered the family into the lounge.

"Children, do you have any idea where your brother may have gone?" Gomez asks surveying his two oldest.

"No Father."

"Did you check the underwater caves?" Wednesday asked

"I'm afraid so," Morticia replied sadly, "Your father and I checked everywhere and came across this note he left next to his bedside table."

She produced the note from her brassiere and handed it to her husband. Gomez cleared his throat and read aloud, " 'The book has chosen me so I must do its bidding. I'll be back before Christmas. p.s. Don't let Wednesday feed Aristotle after 10.' "

Over at the fireplace, Wednesday scoffed, "Well I wasn't going to," she glared, annoyed at having been called out like that.

"Yes well, do any of you know what he might be talking about?" Gomez asks again.

Morticia narrowed her eyes, not only at her children but her Mama as well. Something was not quite right with the way they were avoiding her eyes, "Well?" she crossed her arm over her chest and gave them a scrutinizing look.

Just as she suspected, Pugsley was the first one to crack.

"Okay, we're sorry! We told him a dumb little story about Grandmamas cookbook. We had no idea he'd run away!" Pugsley said all at once, gulping at the murderous glare her sister shot at him.

"Hey, it's not stupid, the story is real!" Grandmama countered, "Shit I knew I forgot to do something today," she grumbles.

"What do you mean Mama," Gomez rose from his chair, "Where is Pubert?"

"He might be in Europe," she replied and cringed at Gomez's loud exclamation. Even Lurch seemed surprised, pausing his movement on the harpsichord as if he didn't hear her right.

Morticia stayed quiet but the temperature in the room suddenly dropped "Europe?" she repeated through gritted teeth.

"Yea I told the kid a couple of stories today, must have gone to his head too much," she chuckled attempting to lighten the mood. When that did nothing, she sent a harsh glare to Wednesday and Pugsley for their part in this.

"But why is he in Europe?"

"Well," Grandmama shuffled nervously, "He's getting the main ingredients for Limba Diavolului. He wants me to make it for the Christmas dinner."

Morticia's eyes widened at that, "Do you know where exactly in Europe he went?"

"All over."

The room fell unnaturally silent. Grandmama huffed and cursed under her breath for even bothering to clean today. Morticia took a seat, feeling a bit lightheaded from the rage bubbling in her. Pugsley stood with his head down looking guilty while Wednesday was silently thinking of all the tortures she would inflict on her little snitch of a brother, and then the one she would inflict on Pubert when he eventually came back. Lurch sat by awkwardly, not sure whether to leave or not while Thing scurried away, the tension in the room doing nothing good for his mental health.

And Gomez, ever the optimistic one, went to his wife to comfort her, "Don't worry Cara, Pubert will be back soon," he said with a kiss on her wrist and gently pulled her up.

"If our little Pubert could make an entire Military unit cry, he could face whatever's in those woods! Besides, I hear he's top of his class in scouts," he added.

The family nodded and Gomez took his wife by the arm to lay her upstairs. And as soon as they were out of sight, Grandmama rounded on the kids.

"When Pubert comes back, the four of us are gonna have a little talk," she hissed. The kids shrunk back and nodded before running up to the attic.

Two days later, they received a package.

"Oh, that Amazon."

Grandmama was genuinely surprised when the family all opened up the package in the living room. In it sat six freshly preserved viper tongues along with another note and some polaroids. The first note simply said 'Bet' while the polaroids were of him in Slovenia, taken by God knows who.

She took the tongues and inspected them, impressed at his skill. The family looked at her expectantly and she sucked her teeth, "Alright alright! I'll make the damn sauce."

The family largely left her up to her devices and stayed clear from the kitchen. She had Wednesday and Pugsley go out and collect the rest of the ingredients. They got back by noon and Grandmama spent the entire rest of the day working out the consistency. The torn page was practically useless so she had to rely on memory. She had Pugsley try each version of the concoction and had Wednesday time him to see how long it took him to actually swallow it.

Thankfully on the 4th tongue, she managed to get it right. She threw it in the cauldron and let it bubble overnight.

Four days later, the heart showed up and she began the grueling task of getting the color the perfect mix of reddish-grey that she remembered. He had Pugsley put it on his tongue and when it turned blue, she knew she had used too much rosemary.

She meticulously washed and rewashed the heart, dried it, and peeled off a bit of its flesh. On the seventh try, it sat orange in Pugsley's tongue. Wednesday slapped him on the back of his head and he choked, puking it back up red so she tried a different technique. After a bit of tweaking involving some sesame seeds, food coloring, and something else, she got the perfect color.

By the time the third package came three days later, she'd already started to experiment with the taste. She thought this part of the process would be a bit dangerous for the kids, so they headed out and experimented on a couple of stray cats in the woods. It didn't go as planned.

On the morning of the 22nd, Pubert showed back up much to everyone's relief. He showed them the sleeping Chamois in his little cage and proudly displayed the bite marks he got from it. Gomez and Morticia collected him and she didn't see him for the rest of the day.

On December 23rd at 6 am, Grandmama sprinted down the hall to the kitchen. She had left the sauce boiling since the night before and hoped the taste would come in by now.

She uncovered the cauldron and marveled at the thick red liquid for a moment. She took a sniff. Good sign. Dipping a spoon into the broil, she takes a sip and nearly gags.

"Damn," she murmured. "Looks like your time is drawing close," she said to the caged baby chamois.

"Is it good?"

Grandmama jumped, grabbing her chest. She turned swiftly to see her youngest grandson still in his footie pajamas, "You scared me half to death kid!"

"Sorry!" he grinned.

"And no it's not done. The taste is foul again. No matter how much calf liver and dried turtle shell I add."

"What about him?"

"Sooner or later we're gonna have to use him. I figured I could use a substitute but I guess nothing beats the original," she shrugged.

So they spent the rest of the day working on the taste together. When Wednesday and Pugsley eventually woke up she had them preserve and store the rest of the unneeded parts for future use.

They were going for that tangy semi-sweet taste, and on the early morning of Christmas eve, Grandmama finally achieved it. She had to sit down after the effects wore off. Damn, that was just as good as she remembered it.

And just in time too, because she closed the lid down on her 2-week old concoction, and spent the entire rest of the day preparing for the rest of the dinner with Lurch.

Grandmama spent the entirety of Christmas morning asleep. She didn't even stir when the children nearly destroyed the house playing with their new toys.

The guests started coming at around lunchtime and were mingling in the ballroom. Lurch seemed to be enjoying himself, breaking in the new harpsichord and occasionally doing a melody with Cousin Mumchance. Thing was going across the room, showing off his expensive new fingerless gloves. Gomez and Morticia were on the dance floor as per usual while Pugsley and Pubert were working their way around the room, destroying any mistletoe they could find. And Wednesday had slipped out the room with her boyfriend Joel, taking him to the living room to show him her newest collection of rare Deathstalkers to go along with her deadly tarantulas.

The evening began winding down and friends and family began to leave, wishing them happy holidays on the way out. Grandmama, who had only rolled off her bed 10 minutes prior, began setting the table for the more intimate family dinner. She heard a loud gasp followed by a cheer and realized Fester had finally arrived, 6-month pregnant Dementia in tow. She smiled and greeted them when they came into the dining room, embracing Fester tighter than either of them expected.

"It's good to see ya," she whispered into his ear. And it really was. The house hadn't been the same since he moved out and to see all the members here, including Cousin Itt and his family, nearly brought a tear to the old crones eyes.

"Happy to see you too, Mama," he shot her his signature goofy grin, "Between you and me, I really really missed your home cooking!" They shared a laugh.

"Alright everyone, take your seat. It's 6 pm!" Gomez announced.

Grandmama brought out the dishes of roasted pig and split peas. Rice mixed with custard, fried lizard tail, soups, and pies alike. And of course, her recipe that she admitted to being more nervous about now than she expected.

After the family settled back into their seats, Gomez cleared his throat, standing up to give his traditional speech. He celebrated this day as the reunion of old friends and family, the continuing of old relationships, and the development of new ones. He wished Fester and Dementia well on their delivery, and made a special mention to Joel and his return, much to his and Wednesday's embarrassment.

"-Yes and let us not forget also the revolution of new traditions, values, and even recipes for the future generation to pass on," he tipped his drink to her, before winking at an excited Pubert and What, and a queasy Joel, "let us hope that all these would be continued in the new year! Everyone dig in."

Grandmama was too nervous to eat right now. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed to see if she failed or not. She knew her family would not care, but she felt she owed it to Susan, Janice and Paula, and poor old lonely Mabel. Bless their souls.

When Gomez began carving out the two-headed pig, drizzling a healthy serving of the sauce and passing it down the table, she felt her heart stop. She waited impatiently as each one of them had it on their plate and began eating. Almost immediately, she started seeing the effect, runny eyes, red tongues, and slight shakes until one by one every one of them slumped into their chairs, passed out from the poison. Grandmama gaped. It worked!

Seeing nothing else to do, Grandmama began to count. After 30 minutes for the adults and at least 35 for the kid, they began reviving, singing praises to her for her job well done. She let out a deep sigh and felt her blood cooling as she relaxed into her seat. Enjoying her meal with her family.

After four hours, the family poured out into the living area and enjoyed their company. Grandmama slipped out and into her bedroom.

"Why aren't you downstairs?" came Pubert's little voice. So the little scamp followed her.

"Uhh, just doing a bit of writing," she smiled, "Come in."

Grandmama pulled him onto her lap on the workbench and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Did I mention how much you did well?"

He shook his head no playfully and kissed her on the nose.

"Yup, you inspired this old lady, check it out," she leaned forward to show him what she was writing."

He gaps," Water, cranberries, snake teeth, rosemary, thyme, seeds, berries, Alligator gum, goat's milk and the freshly cut hair of a sleeping baby Chamois," he grinned, "Does that mean you'll be making uhh limba diavolului again?"

"You betcha!"

He helped her write down the measurements and even tiny little drawings on the new piece of paper, tucking it on the very last page of her cookbook.

They go up and place it back on her shelf for safekeeping.

"Hey!" Pugsley suddenly burst into the room," The carolers just showed up!" he announced breathlessly.

"Well, it's about time!" Grandmama screeched, picking up Pubert and joining the rest of her family outside the attic.