Chapter 2: Hurt

A/N: I've been fixated on writing the past couple days, so I finished this chapter pretty quickly. I really enjoy exploring my own experience as a trans person through my characters, so this story will probably get very dark/hurtful and real at times. Thanks y'all for readin'!

Warning: Jacob and Ben are very broken people, they are going to do and say very hurtful things, this story is coated in angst so be warned.

Song: The moon song by Beabadoobee, Oscar Lang

"I'm lying on the moon

My dear, I'll be there soon

It's a quiet starry place

Time's we're swallowed up In space,

we're here a million miles away…"

Jacob stared up at the endless night sky, the music drifting from the rabbit's speakers and toward where he laid spread out on a big blanket. The moon was bright tonight, and it was uncharacteristically clear for Forks, the clouds had parted long enough so that every star could be seen. He drew in a long steadying breath, and closed his eyes in an attempt to gather his thoughts and slow his pounding heartbeat. The air smelled like salt, pine, and her; he couldn't help himself as he stole another whiff.

"Jake?"

His hand dug into where he'd been absentmindedly playing with the sand, just the sound of her voice made his stomach do flips. He let the air in his lungs out slowly as he turned his head towards her, and opened his eyes.

She stared at him from where she sat cross legged on the blanket, bottom lip caught between her teeth. He readjusted himself slowly, never breaking their eye contact as he pushed his elbows up under himself. He wanted her to know she had his full attention.

"Yeah, Honey?" He spoke the words softly as he gave her the warmest smile he could manage. She looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite read, before turning her face back towards the ocean. He could tell she was overthinking what she wanted to say. He allowed his eyes to move down her profile, traveling the slopes of her nose, lips, chin, further. Finally his sights landed on her hands, which were fidgeting with a loose string on the sleeve of her flannel. He was patient, he would wait as long as he had to.

"I-...I." The words came out broken, like she wasn't sure of them. Jacob watched her with rapt attention, sitting up all the way so that they were eye level with each other. She didn't look at him as she continued.

"Jake, when I came to you all those weeks ago I was a person in pieces. I was so broken, I was scared that I would start cutting people with all my jagged edges." She sucked in a breath, her hair falling between them like a curtain as she bowed her head. He knew she needed the illusion of privacy, but he itched to reach out and push the lock behind her ear. "I never thought I'd feel whole again, convinced I would live the rest of my life as someone...empty. I spent so long in this constant fog, it covered everything and it was so thick." Bella was shaking now, it made Jacob's heart thump painfully against his ribs. "It blocked out all the light in my life, I was lost like a ship at sea. I couldn't find land, couldn't find-", she sniffled and he could see her move one sleeve up to wipe her face, "Find home again."

Jacob finally broke the invisible line between them, brushing his hand slowly down her arm until he found her free hand. She froze at the touch of near pleading fingertips on the back of her clenched fist, but then gradually allowed him to unfurl her fingers and intertwine his own. "Jacob, you were a lighthouse waiting patiently to guide me to the shore. Your light was so bright, it was my own personal sun guiding me from the dark." She squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.

"I still don't feel whole, but everyday that I get to see that sunshine smile…" She finally lifted her head, allowing the curtain to fall back. Jacob could see the tears racing down her cheeks, and suddenly he was on his knees in front of her.

Gingerly, with the softest touch he could muster, he wrapped his hands under her jaw and pulled her face up to meet his. He sucked in a breath of air as he stared into those eyes and saw the stars glittering back at him. Fingers wrapped around one of his wrists, gripping him with white knuckles. The pools finally overflowed and Jacob watched as fresh tears raced down towards her chin. He caught one with his thumb and whipped it from her skin. He hurt for her, he remembered the afternoon she'd come to his garage. She'd looked so fragile, nothing behind the eyes. He'd never known Edward, but he hated the guy for leaving her like that. Over time though, he'd watch her come back to life.

"You're the light that keeps me from sinking back into that empty darkness, you're my best friend Jacob. Thank you." It was barely a whisper, but he'd heard every word. He would hold onto them forever.

Jacob blinked against his own stinging eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. He had a million things he wanted to say to her, but the only words he could make pass his lips summed it all up.

"I love you, Bells." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, pausing there for just a moment before leaning back on the balls of his feet. She looked so small as she met his eyes, her hand still clinging to his wrist like a lifeline. He gave her a tender smile, and reached out to brush a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes moved around his face, and then licked her lips. Oh how Jacob wished he could capture them with his, but he knew she wasn't ready for that.

"I love you too." The words were like sweet tinkling music to his ears, and they lit a fire within him.

Suddenly, Jacob was absolutely sure of three things. First, Bella Swan was the single most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Second, he would do everything in his power to piece her back together, until she was finally whole. And Third, He was Unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

...

Jacob closed his eyes, his face scrunching into a pained mask. He'd tried so hard to block out that memory over the years, but now it raced like wildfire through him. It burned, scorching every inch it touched. They had been so young, and he'd been such an ignorant child. He couldn't do this, he had nothing left. Life truly was a cruel bitch.

The sudden rustle of leaves jarred him from his loathing and his eyes darted to the sound. Ben had moved so he was completely upright now, legs pulled to his chest. He looked anxious, scared, and worried; his brow knit into lines. Jacob sucked in a harsh breath through his nose, he'd seen that look so many times. The wolf let out a sound that vibrated through his entire being, he obviously wanted to get to him but Jacob wouldn't allow this. He was disoriented, caught off guard by so many sudden life altering changes. The wolf wouldn't stand for it though. His entire being felt like it was being torn to shreds, muscles jumping under his skin from the wolf's growing irritation. He never wanted this, imprinting was just another way that this curse controlled them all. He'd already given up his life to be Alpha of the pack, now it was forcing this on him as well. Jacob let out a choked growl, he was nothing but flames.

"Jake?" Ben's voice was similar to the one from his memories, but there was something different. Bella's voice had been a honey sweet chime, but Ben's voice clung to his senses like dark molasses. Jacob realized then, that he would never hear the soft sound of bells again. He didn't care that the wolf crooned in glee at the boy's call, Jacob didn't want to hear this.

He was on his feet in an instance, pain shooting through every part of his body. It took all of his strength to keep from bursting out of his skin and into fur. He stared at the ground, watching the last of the orange light disappear. All he'd wanted was to see her again, he'd just wanted to see that color he loved so deeply.

"I'm sorry." The words rang out around Jacob, they felt like a violent punch to his face. He stalked forward, grabbing Ben by the front of his jacket as he hauled him up off the ground. He dragged him in close and held him there as a snarl ripped through him. Ben trembled as he found Jacobs eyes, but not a single noise passed over his lips. For a moment they simply stared at each other, deafening silence surrounding them as the sun finally slipped over the horizon. Then, Ben reached up a hand and found one of Jacob's wrists. The skin to skin contact shot a heat through Jacob but this heat didn't burn the same as the smoldering flames that scorched his soul, the simple brush of Ben's fingers made his entire body relax in bliss. He lowered the boy to his feet, but kept his fists balled in his jacket. They stood there, both reeling from the aftershock of it all.

Then Jacob let him go, and took a step back. Ben still had his hand around his wrist, sadness and understanding painted his face. Jacob ripped his arm away, and instantly felt the fire rage back to life. He let out a dark laugh before straightening his back, and allowing a numb mask fall over his face. Ben was holding his hand to his chest, tears flowing slowly down his cheeks. He knew.

"I-..I." The words were so small and coated in pain. Jacob raised up a hand to stop him, and then caught his eyes. They were the same eyes he'd gazed into that day at La Push, the same beautiful chocolate brown, so deep and endless and comforting.

"It would have been better if you were dead." The words were hard, and he shot them like daggers. He didn't care if he didn't mean them, he wanted Ben to hurt the way he hurt. Blood for blood.

Jacob took one last look at him and then ran. He needed to get away from those eyes, away from that honeysuckle smell and those arms he so desperately wished to crawl into. Before Jacob could get away though he heard two faint words, and they dug into his skin like thorns.

"I know."