It was Day _ of Year 202_ of the Coronavirus Pandemic in America's Gotham City, which continued to rage because half the city seemed to believe that if they pretended really hard that the virus didn't exist it would just go away and people would stop getting sick.
Or at the very least, everybody but them would get sick. Because at the end of the day, who matters more than Number Uno. Ah, to live in a world full of Numero Unos. But this story is not about the Numero Unos. This is a story about a trio of Jokers. Without the Italian, that's Three Jokers.
The man formerly known as Arthur Fleck, an avid gamer who had since gotten sick of society's shit and decided to become The Joker – Joaquin Phoenix's Joker – had been trying to shelter-in-place since all the virus shit first went down.
He wasn't alone though, he was living with his best buds – Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, and Jared Leto's Jokers who had arrived from the Multiverse to do a big Joker crime spree but were now stranded in his universe lest they bring the Coronavirus to theirs.
They had been the best of friends and had the best of times but now the cracks were starting to show. Cracks in the wall that JP Joker had tried to paint over but alas to no avail as he would soon find.
One day the four Jokers were in the living room, watching the End of Evangelion on Netflix. Even with the lousier Newflix Khara-approved translation three of the Jokers were enjoying the anime cocktail of big robots, depression, and Fanta soda but Jack Nicholson Joker found himself disgusted and twitching all over.
Right as the Third Impact began, JN Joker had enough and snapped.
"That does it! I have had with this pretentious pseudo-philosophic schlock! I just wanna indulge in some quala-tee cartoon robot action, like the classic Geeeee-One Transformers!" JN Joker bitched. He went to get his coat and hat.
"Woah, man! Where the hell you goin?" Jared Leto Joker asked before he took a sip of his grape Fanta. "You're gone miss the best part, grandpa!"
"Yeah, did you forget about the like, ultra-contagious virus going around like everywhere right now?" Heath Ledger Joker added.
"Virus sch-mirus! I ain't gonna let a little flu bug conquer my life!" JN Joker insisted. "Imma go get a haircut, then Imma go to the movies! Watch real cinema instead of all this animated Chineeeeese deeeeee-geeeeen-neracy!"
"C'mon, man, think about it. The virus isn't gonna not infect you just cause you aren't scared by it." JP Joker butted in, trying to rationalize. "Just tough it out some more with us. We can order a pizza and pop in a few video games! We're gamers, poppy, this is the type of apocalypse we evolved to endure!"
"Poo-poo to the poo-poo that you youngsters pass as video games! All your newfangled fancy ultra-hd 4K graphix and six-teeeee effff-peeee-essss performances and cineeeeematic cutscenes can't compensate for their utter lack of the charms and depths of real classic video games! I MISS MY N-E-S!" JN Joker ranted then opened the door. On his way out, he poked his head back in to get the last word.
"Besides, this is America bitch. We beat the Nat-zis, we went to the da moon, we had the Dream Team, and we sure as hell ain't losin' to a leetle Chineeeeese virus!" JN Joker slammed the door and that was the last the now Three Jokers saw of him.
Jack Nicholson's Joker caught the virus and died four weeks later.
"Well, that was retarded." JL Joker remarked after some time had passed and they were all reflecting on what had just happened.
"Hey, watch it. That's an ableist slur." JP Joker pointed out.
"Woah, you're right, bro! That wasn't very dope of me!" JL Joker apologized.
"Jesus Christ! You new kids and your frigging this and that slurs!" HL Joker whined. "I miss when I used to be say whatever the hells I wanted to on the Internets about anything without some namby pamby Gen Zoomer barging in to moan about the problematics!"
"Christ forbid we practice some sensitivity 'round here!" JP Joker shot back.
"Well that kinda sensitivity practicin' is what led to Jacky-boy losing his mind! Look what Pee-Cee culture has done to him! He'd rather die to a killer virus than have to not say the N-word on his podcast!" HL Joker insisted. "All of this societal breakdown and strife, I think we can pin it on the rise of PC Culture! Basic decency's a greater agent of chaos than I ever was!"
"Come on, is it really so bad we kicked out that washed out old fool?" JL Joker commented. "Dude was always eating my chips and candy without asking. Sooner or later one of us was gonna end up killing him."
"Hmm… I guess you're right." The other Jokers thought about it and agreed.
"And besides, it's his fucking generation's fault our world is in the state it's in right now! They decided they could live grossly exploitative lives of excess, partyin' like it would never end, not for once thinking how big the mess they left behind would get or who would have to deal with that mess!" JL Joker ranted. "Goddamn, if only the C-19 was an exclusively boomer remover!"
"I understand your anger, man, but playing the blame game isn't going to do much." JP Joker objected. "If we want to do something about economic inequality, racial strife, and climate change we have to organize and fight it for it."
"Maaaaaaaaaaan, but that's so hard! It's much easier to like Hashtag Tweet REEEEE-sistance on Twitter!" JL Joker whined.
"You can't expect to be carried up the whole of Mount Fucking Everest! Hey, why do you think Bernie 2016 and 2020 never happened?" JP Joker exclaimed.
"I dunno, maybe it's cause Dumbocrats work harder to defeat Progressives more than they work to actually win elections?" JL Joker theorized.
"Enough with the politics, guys. Nothing's gonna make a difference." HL Joker butted. "Didn't you like ever watch like South Park? Don't you like know that every side is the same and caring is for stupids?"
"Hey…" JP Joker snapped his fingers. "That reminds me. I do care about having a place to live. But this apartment doesn't come cheap. With four Jokers, we were barely making it every month. And now that Jack's gone… how the fuck are we gonna make it now?"
"Shit. I knew we should've signed Cesar onto the lease, too." JL Joker's face sunk.
"CESAR? But that salad dressin's so cornball. That capital C Clown cramps our style." HL Joker turned up his nose.
The Three Jokers sat in silence as that awful realization dawned upon them. Would they be another casualty among a wave of Covid Evictions? JL Joker then suddenly howled like a hyena and began to clap and beat on his chest.
"I got it! A classic Joker maneuver! You don't have to pay the landlord if you just KILL THE LANDLORD! We'll be heroes for the entire building!" JL Joker looked to his two bros for approval, but however only saw blank stares.
"I dunno, what if we like to have to fill out our residential history for a background check in the future? I don't think 'killed our landlord' will fly over too well." JP Joker shook his head. "Guys, let's just do what Jokers usually do and rob a coupla banks. The landlord doesn't care where the cash comes from, as long as it ends up in his hands. Hey-hey, why don't we rob his bank and pay our rent with his money? Huh huh?"
JP Joker had expected laughter and a glorious charge into action. It was a pretty fucking funny joke of a crime, in his opinion. Instead, the other Jokers were just shrugging and sinking into the couch.
"C'mon, guys, we're Jokers. We do funny crimes. If they want us to get back to work so badly in a pandemic, so be it – Joker style!"
Heath and Jared's Joker just shrugged.
"Meh. All I ever wanted to do was be an agent of chaos, but now this whole year is nothing but chaos run amuck. I don't feel there's much I can do that'll stand out. I'm just kinda deflated by everything." HL Joker sighed.
"I don't know." JL Joker mused. "There's just something about this year, you know, a deadly pandemic's spread across the entire world and all everyone had to do was like live carefully and responsibly. Social distance, wear the fucking mask, geezus! But like half of this country is gonna pretend that this virus doesn't exist even though more people are getting it and dying by the day! All because they don't want to be told they have to wear a mask when they go outside? Let me tell me, Joaquin my bro, there is no fucking cringe joke any of us Jokers could come up with to top that. And this is coming from me, the Joker who tattooed Damaged on his forehead."
"We still need rent money though! Have you seen how fucking tight this pandemic job market is? We'll be lucky if McDonald's will let us pick up fries from the floor!"
"DID SOMEONE SAY MCDONALD'S! I LOVE MCDONALD'S!" Suddenly a loud and boisterous voice boomed from the other side of their front door. The song YMCA was playing, muffled by the door barely.
"Oh shitzels! It's the landlord come to evict us ahead of schedule!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker dove behind the couch.
Heath Ledger's Joker just shrugged. "Nothin' we can do but let entropy takes it course now. Chaos Reigns, y'all."
"Christ, I hate that movie." Both of the other Jokers opined.
Jared Leto's Joker decided to check the door. He went to the peephole. "No bitchin' way."
He then undid the deadbolt and swung the door open. YMCA was suddenly fullblast. Standing in their doorway was a tall fat orange man in a business suit with a dreadful blonde hairstyle covering his bulging head. It was none other than the President, Donald Trump! He was wearing a facial mask, but it was worn below his nose and with a big hole cut out of it around the mouth.
President Trump was currently eating four Big Macs, forty McNuggets, and a large Fries with a diet Coke and an M&M's McFlurry for dessert.
"The 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump! What the blazes are you doing here?" JP Joker asked.
"Are you really so surprised, Jokers? I show up in all your bigly adventures!" Donald Trump laughed mirthlessly. "I always put America First and what could be more American than visiting some of my supporters to bask in their worship to lift my Big Sad mood?"
"How are you sad, Mr. President?" JP Joker asked.
"Sleepy Joe Butthead is stealing my job from me! I have been having a very hardly time stealing it back!" Donald Trump whined. "It's hurting my feeling inside and out!"
"Are you sure it's not just that shitty fast food talkin'?" HL Joker snickered.
"YOU SHUT UP!" Donald Trump cried and pointed a finger accusingly at the scar-faced Joker. "Mickey Ds is health foods! Very good, very healthy! Tastes great like American great!"
"Man, you eat your steak dry and brown with ketchup." HL Joker scoffed. "That ain't chaotic, now that's just plain idiotic."
"Grrrrr! You've never eaten steak until you've had it well-done and drownin' in the good red stuffy! I SAY SO IT REAL!" Donald Trump tried to justify himself. "Now get on your knees and beg me to build that wall!"
"Uh, you are like aware none of us voted for you? Both times, right?" JP Joker pointed out.
"What. But you guys are The Jokers!" Donald Trump looked unbelievably hurt and shocked by this.
"Yeah, we might be insane criminal maniacs burnt out by the unjust treatment of gamers and anime fans by society, but we like to pride ourselves as having standards. Well, at least I do." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker explained. Heath Ledger's Joker has not voted since Obama because he watches South Park and knows that both sides are the same and voting is stupid and makes no difference. Jared Leto's Joker was a real Bernie Bro and out of protest in 2016 for his unjust treatment at the paws of the DNC wrote in Harambe and this year he voted for Kanye. "Now if you've said your peace, kindly please skulk back to the swamp."
"No wait!" Donald Trump stuck his head in to prevent The Jokers from closing the door on him. "Can't you at least em-puh-thize with a real underdog? My President-sees gonna called bad, real bad, called bad as one of the worst by fake news liberal media unless I do something quick! Really quick and really good so I will be called good! I need your help!"
"Help for what?" The Jokers asked.
"Jokers, I am hiring you to steal the cure for the virus from China, steal the Chinese Coronavirus Cure! So you can give it to me so I can cure the Coronavirus from China and get all the credits! I WILL BE NO LAAAAAME DUCK!"
"Uh, Mr. Presidiot, there ain't no cure! Do you think we been staying inside this long cause of our lifestyle?" Jared Leto's Joker sniggered.
"Fake News! Remember when I had the Chinese Virus but didn't die? That is because I am very rich, the richest, and we the rich have had the cure years before this virus was even a thing!" Donald Trump revealed. The revelation was horrifying, but inevitable. The rich, after all, always did live in a different America - no a different world - from the rest of the vermin.
"If I stop this viral pandemic of the Chinese Virus from China first, Joe Biden can't! And that means America will love me more than him! Losing Loser Joe will still be a loser!" Trump ranted before he threw two briefcases. One was filled with money he had taken from his election fraud donations at the feet of the Jokers, while the other was filled with "intel" for their mission.
"If you Jokers need me, I will be at the nearest McDonalds! I want to try the Travis Scott Burger Meal!" Donald Trump informed them as he left the pad, slamming the door shut behind him.
The three Jokers took a look at all the money that was being offered to them. Suddenly, The Jokers found themselves faced with a real dilemma. One only sells their soul once, and this opportunity had come at them real fast. The car had already crashed and now they were just waiting for the chaos of it all – the screeching contortions of metal hulks and the mangling of fragile flesh – to register.
"Hey, at least this could make our rent for next month." Heath Ledger's Joker said.
It was a joke, but it wasn't a very funny one.
To be continued (?)