In the Gotham City night, a Purple Lamborghini sped down the highway in the wrong lane. Cars honked and screeched as they swerved out of the way to avoid a collision. Apathetic to this, the Purple Lambo simply sped forward, the driver not once looking in the rearview to admire the escalating series of crashes their chariot left in its wake.
"Um, are you sure this is a good idea?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker in the passenger seat asked.
"I dunno. But it's chaotic, ain't it?" Heath Ledger's Joker replied as they drove onto a bridge and then swerved directly into the path of a tour bus to play some chicken. "Hah!" He laughed as the tour bus blinked first and went over the edge. There was the muffled, far-away sound of splash and then an explosion as they drove on.
"God damn it, there's such a thing as too insane! Too chaotic!" The other Joker complained.
"Relax, buddy. We're the protagonists of this fanfic. We got fucking plot armor. Ain't that a chuckle!" Heath Ledger's Joker reassured him. "Hey, see if Jared got any CDs in this bitch. Put on some music to ease your yellow chicken mind."
"Just turn on the radio."
"No way. Radio's nothing but lamestream crap and played out oldies. Not that I expect Jared to have any better taste in music, he is from Suicide Squad after all."
From the trunk came some stifled banging, as if done in protest. Come to think of it, this is a story about three Jokers, not two Jokers. Where is Jared Leto's Joker?
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker found a compartment between the two seats in the car and flipped it open. There was a trove of antiquated artifacts containing song and verse, also known as compact discs, inside. He rifled though them, calling out names to Heath Ledger's Joker, as he didn't recognize any of them.
"Hey Heath, what's Twenty One Pilots?"
"Crap. Any so-called alternative or indie band that has millions of views on their Youtube videos are a bunch of lamestream sellouts ain't worth our time."
"Mmm. What about Skrillex? This one's autographed, with a personalized message."
"Fuck no. My eardrums are bleeding already."
"Lil Wayne? Wayne… hmm…. is he related to the man who may or may not have been my true father, Dr. Thomas Wayne?" Joaquin's Joker mused over the harsh memories. It didn't seem too likely, seeing how Thomas had been whiter than an all-mayo sandwich on crustless bread and this Lil Wayne was certainly of a darker heritage, but you never know. It did feel like some kind of cosmic coincidence, coming across this CD, considering their final destination.
"Lil Wayne? Jesus Christ! How the hell is Jared not deaf if this is the stuff he listens to on the reg?" Heath's Joker raved.
"Um… do you even listen to this stuff you're badmouthing?"
"Heck no! Do I look like someone who has to actually experience the media before critiquing it? That's gay!"
"Hey, there was no need for that homophobic slur!"
"Fuck you, you social justice crybaby!"
In the end, after Joaquin failed to scrounge up any CDs that passed his rigorous standards, Heath Ledger's Joker produced from within his coat pocket his personalized playlist, burned to a CD with the handy-dandy function of the now defunct iTunes.
"Now this is real stuff. From when music was good back in my day. Music like My Chemical Romance, Papa Roach, The All-American Rejects, Sum 41, Blink 182, Fall Out Boy, Three Days Grace, System of a Down, Marilyn Manson, Evanescence, Linkin Park, and…" Heath Ledger's Joker looked grudgingly back at where the trunk was, reducing his voice to a whisper. "…30 Seconds to Mars. Heck."
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker just stared. These acts really didn't sound all too much better than what Heath had railed against.
"Joaquin, buddy, I used to make AMVs all the time with this music back in high school." Heath Ledger smiled nostalgically. "Before Youtube got all corporatized and copyright Nazi."
"I'd prefer it if we used my playlist." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker sheepishly produced his own CD. It was made up of classic HARD ROCK AND HEAVY METAL from the 60s, 70s, and 80s.
"Of course you would. But I'm driving here, bitch, and I call the shots. How'd you like them apples?"
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker sighed, looked out the window at the passing lights and cars as Heath Ledger's Joker slid in his CD and began rocking out to "CRAWLING IN MY SKIN THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL." He pretended he was listening to "White Room" by Cream. This was going to be a long ride.
The Jokers pulled into a roadside 7/11 gas station for a quick fill-up.
"You motherfuckers!" Was the first thing out of Jared Leto's Joker's mouth when the other two Jokers flipped open the trunk. Well, that was the intent. What instead came out was a bunch of panicked, greedy gasps for air.
"Yooooo mofuggahs!" Was what it finally sounded like when he remembered how to form words.
"Huh? You say something, you pale little freak?" Heath Ledger's Joker leaned in mockingly.
"I said fuck you, you motherfuckers!" Jared Leto's Joker shoved his scarred counterpart away before he pulled a bottle of Grape Fanta out of his pants and uncapped it, took a swig. "Shit, it's gone flat."
Totally unlike Margot Robbie's chest and rear in the 2016 Academy Award winning comic book film, Suicide Squad.
"That's the last time I let you assholes drive my girl." JL Joker bitched as he threw the soda over his shoulder.
"Not to be a jerk about it, but we agreed to draw straws. You lost." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker tried to diffuse the situation.
"You ought be grateful I felt like adding some air holes in it." HL Joker pointed to some bullet holes in the trunk's surface. "Before we put you in, I might add."
"GRATEFUL? I AIN'T GRATEFUL FOR SHIT." JL Joker screamed. "You scarface shitter, you brought down the fucking value of my sex panther! Now my Harley ain't never gonna take me back!"
"Your car looks you played too much GTA Online. You gotta question this Harley Quinn's taste, TBH." HL Joker chuckled.
"Motherfucker, are you suggesting I play GTA Online? I ain't that kinda lame-o!" JL Joker put up his fists.
"Fuck yeah, I am." HL Joker popped out his knife. "Hey, Jared, you know how I got these scars?"
"No, but I think I'll show you how I got all DAMAGED, dawg." JL Joker slipped on some spiked brass knuckles.
"Enough!" JP Joker intervened. He smacked and bopped his two companions like they were a bunch of stooges. "We are on a mission here, to retrieve the Coronavirus Cure, and if we can't even get a bunch of gas and snacks without in-fighting we might as well hit the Quit Button now!"
"You're right… but this isn't over." HL Joker begrudgingly admitted. This looks like it is setting up a plot thread to be picked up in the future, but I'm a lazy hack writer who is making up everything by the word so no I don't think it will.
Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix's Jokers, after remembering to mask up, went into the gas station to get some munchies while Jared Leto's Joker filled the Lamborghini with gas. Inside the gas station were lots of other people who weren't bothering to wear masks or social distance. They planned to stock up on lots of gamer food like Doritos Chips (regular Nacho and Spicy Nacho flavor) and at least seven varieties of Mountain Dew soda.
"Hmm… do you think we should pay for our shit like good citizens?" JP Joker suggested, thoughtfully.
"Man, where's the fun in that? Let's rob and kill the slave wage sap manning the counter." HL Joker chuckled as he rubbed his palms.
"Is it the right thing to do, though? Gas Station Attendants are not too unlike us Jokers – normal Joes dealt the poor hand trying to do their best to make it in an unfair Society." JP Joker mused as they walked through the store, picking up all sorts of chips and candy.
"Hey, I got mine. And it wasn't easy. Why should I stoop to make sure they get theirs?" HL Joker insisted. "You know what, why don't we just draw straws again?"
HL Joker grabbed a bunch of Pixy Stix. The two Jokers drew. The straws were the exact same length. They drew again. Same length again. They drew and drew and it just kept happening.
"Maybe we should just flip a coin." JP Joker suggested.
"Do that and Harvey Dent's gonna sue." HL Joker pointed out.
JP Joker blinked in confusion because there is no Harvey Dent in the universe of the Joker movie yet. "Who?"
Before the Jokers could continue debating what to do with the Gas Station Attendant who still remained blissfully apathetic to their presence, the electronic door slid open again with a ding. The Jokers turned to find themselves looking at the actor Jim Carrey, who was dressed in a lot of funny green clothes marked with question marks.
It was The Riddler from the film Batman Forever!
"What the fuck are you doing here, Jokers? This is supposed to be my robbery!" The Riddler whined.
The Gas Station Attendant saw that he was about to be robbed, most likely. He sighed, shrugged, and opened up a comic book – more degenerate than pornography - to pass the time while he waited for the inevitable to begin.
"Forget that! What are you supposed to be doing here? Shouldn't you be off trying to beat Tommy Lee Jones for the shit acting award?" HL Joker pointed out.
"Shut your mouth! My performance in Batman Forever was a great performance and greatly written too! So great they stole the same basic character motivation for Jake Gyllenhaal's Mysterion in Boy Spider Far From Home!" The Riddler cried. "But to answer your pedestrian, easily answered question - I heard of a world in the multiverse without a Batman! I figured it could be a prime destination spot for a crime vacation! But I see you dregs had the same idea too!"
The Jokers pulled out their guns, while the Riddler pulled out his special trick question mark cane. It was a stand-off between criminals.
"Riddle me this, my clownish contemporaries! Who's the character that's a played-out oversaturated has-been about to embark on a cruise down the River Styx?" The Riddler charged up his cane with lethal energies. Only to get his head turned inside out like a can of Coke spent too long in the freezer as Joaquin Phoenix's Joker proceeded to shoot the Riddler in the head with a .44 Magnum.
"When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk." JP Joker blew smoke from his revolver before twirling it and holstering the firearm. "After Tuco, from The Good The Bad and The Ugly."
"Jesus Christ! Why'd you have to do that! You just cut a climatic scene from this chapter very anti-climatically short!" HL Joker chastised his newer counterpart.
"Hey, look at him!" JP Joker pointed to what remained of The Riddler's head. "Bitch wasn't even wearing a mask."
"Yeah, you're right!" HL Joker realized.
"You know what happens when you put your own selfishness over enduring a minor inconvenience for the good of society? YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!" JP Joker proclaimed, proceeded to shoot everyone else in the area not wearing a mask, and everyone left clapped.
The Jokers went to the counter, and having had their fill of bloodshed, decided to pay the clerk peacefully this time.
"Say, give us some Slurpees too." HL Joker requested.
"Sure thing. What flavor?"
"How 'bout ALL OF EM?" HL Joker laughed.
"Woah! You really are an agent of chaos!" The clerk said, taken aback by this daredevil madman's request. JP Joker couldn't care much about slurpees, but something about the clerk seemed too familiar for a clerk. His eyes fell on the nametag.
"Hey are you-"
"Yep, it's me, the comic book writer Scott Snyder! I wrote your favorite comics, like Batman The Black Mirror! And after that, Batman in The New 52! And let's not forget All-Star Batman in DC Regurgit- I mean, DC Rebirth! Or my totally final Batman story for DC Black Label!" The clerk said with a shocking reveal. "Comic books are my passion but they simply are not a profitable gig! A single shift at this here 7/11 makes me more than an entire decade of writing the funny books!"
This disappointed JP Joker. He had hoping it was the Olympic Wrestling Gold Medalist, Kyle Snyder. As some skinny fuck, those athletic musclefiends always did impress him.
"Very interesting, but this chapter's getting long in the tooth." Heath Ledger's Joker tugged on Joaquin Phoenix's Joker sleeve. "We ought to end it now before it comes even more pointless filler than it already is. This seriously is the second chapter and already it's an entire chapter of nothing happening."
"Just one more thing, Jokesters! My writer's curiosity gotta know – what do you suppose the Riddler was referring to, in his riddle, before you like shot him?"
The Jokers thought about it for a while. Heath Ledger's Joker answered.
"It's Batman, obviously. I mean, people think us Jokers are overexposed but bitch, we wouldn't be here if it weren't for that flying rodent fetishist."
"Aw man, Batman's my favorite!" Scott Snyder sadly replied. "Is there anyway of changing that?"
"I dunno. Maybe combine him with The Joker, since we're both so popular?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker suggested in partial jest. This made a lightbulb go off in Scott Snyder's head.
"A-ha! That's it! A Batman who is also The Joker but is also still Batman! And evil like really evil! Even eviler than The Joker! A Batman… who… wait for it…" Scott Snyder paused very dramatically. "…LAUGHS! Just like The Joker, who laughs, does!"
Scott Snyder applauded himself. Then he continued.
"Yes, and why stop there! The ideas are flash-flooding into my brain! A Batman who is Superman but also Batman but also Doomsday from Superman and EVIL! A Batman who is Aquaman but also a Batman who is also a hot chick and also EVIL! A Batman who is big naked blue Watchman guy but is also Batman and EVIL! A Batman who is just Batman but EVILER so he's an EVIL BATMAN! And so on! A whole multiverse of Batmen who are everyone and everything and evil! This totally won't get tiresome at all! Thank you, Jokers, for smashing my writer's block!" Scott Snyder leapt over the counter and skipped out into the night, celebrating.
"Oh god, what have we just done." JP Joker said as a rogue time portal opened up out of nowhere and sucked up Scott Snyder, sending him to back to the DC Comics Offices in the year 2017.
"No, no, no!" Jared Leto's Joker wagged his finger very disapprovingly before spreading his arms out wide to block the driver's door to the Lamborghini. "I am not letting one of you jackasses lock me in the trunk again!"
"You wanna draw on it again, sunshine?" Heath Ledger, with some slight of hand, produced three pencils. "Whoever gets the pencil with the most blood on it loses."
"No way Jose, I ain't fallin' for that again!" Jared Leto's Joker refused.
"This is not a request! IT IS A DEMAND!" Without warning, Heath Ledger grabbed one of the pencils and proceeded to stab Jared Leto's Joker in the gut with it.
"OWEEEEEEEEE!" Jared Leto's Joker cried.
"How's about that!" Heath Ledger's Joker shoved the bloody pencil into Jared Leto's Joker's hand before taking another pencil and tossing the remaining pencil to Joaquin Phoenix's Joker. "YOU LOSE! AGAIN!"
"Fucking hell! You need to swallow some chill pills, Heath!" Jared Leto's Joker collapsed, just kind of like his acting rep after Suicide Squad in all honesty.
"Been there, done that." Heath Ledger's Joker shrugged. He got ready to shove Jared Leto's Joker back into the trunk, when Joaquin Phoenix's Joker intercepted him.
"Wait, I think I have a more humane method of not letting him into the car than just shoving him in the trunk."
A while later, the Purple Lamborghini sped again down the highway towards its destination, which will be revealed in the next chapter assuming I don't drop this fanfic.
Attached to the bumper on the car by a bunch of chains and being dragged along was a screaming Joker on roller skates.
"YOU ASSHOLES!" He screamed at his two companions. They couldn't hear him because they were again arguing over what music to play. Eventually they made a sudden discovery, the rare sort of music that reached across generations and would never lose its luster. Songs that the young, old, the dead and the unborn could all sing along to and love.
No, not the fucking The Beatles.
It's Hellbilly Deluxe by Rob Zombie, fool.
"DEAD I AM THE ONE, EXTERMINATING SON!" The Jokers, even Jared Leto's, banged their heads and sang along to "Dragula."
To be continued (?)