The Jokers, having been hired by President Donald J. Trump to steal the 1%'s Coronavirus Cure in the first chapter, succeeded in locating and stealing the cure from none other than Lex Luthor (Hackman, not Eisenberg) who was planning to ransom it for some land. The Jokers weren't having it and sliced his head up like a dildo, which I stole from Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon's comic book masterpiece Preacher. I didn't watch the show so I don't know if it happened there as well. This all happened in between the publication of the second chapter and the time it took me to write this one because writing is hard and I am lazy.
I just want to play Assassin's Creed Valhalla and Persona 4 Golden on Steam, y'all. And every second I'm writing is a second I ain't gaming.
So anyways, The Jokers finished their daring getaway drive and were driving back to Gotham City. The night lent itself to some very scenic shots, if this were a movie and not some purple prose on a fanfic website. The song "Nightcall" by Kavinsky began to play in the Purple Lamborghini.
"Oh yeah, who doesn't love this jam!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker said behind the wheel as he veered off course and just began driving anywhere that provided a scenic cinematic backdrop to the song.
"Fuck yeah, it's still a banger!" Jared Leto's Joker agreed from where he had been tied to the bumper of the car.
"I don't. Not anymore. Not since it got over 200 million normie views on YouTube." Heath Ledger's Joker grumbled, crossing his arms.
"Just because something got popular doesn't mean it isn't good anymore." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker scoffed.
"Maybe, but nothing's ever the same once the normies get into it. And it's never for the better. Just look at what Persona 5 did to the entire SMT franchise!" Heath Ledger's Joker gritted his teeth. "Persona 3 was like perfection… but then slowly but surely Persona 4 started adding more fans to the base… setting it all up for Persona 5 to turn it all into cancer!"
"Bitch, I think you're just jealous Persona 5 blows your Three outta the water! Makoto is hotter than any of 'em P3 sluts and Morgana is a better mascot than some robot waifu!" Jared Leto's Joker yelled but nobody could hear him.
"Well, I don't play with those funky Nipponese RPG games anyhoot." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker shrugged.
"I mean, what has Kavinsky done since the album with Nightcall on it? Jack, meet shit!" Heath Ledger's Joker ranted. "And it's all cause thanks to the normies he can just sit back and get fat on his Drive soundtrack royalties till the stars go out!"
"Dude, you're like, totally gatekeeping. That's not kosher, man."
"Gatekeepers are the REAL HEROES HERE! And you know what kosher is? JEWISH. And did you know what the Jews did to Jesus when he tried bandwagoning the whole Jehovah thing? THEY GATEKEEPED HIS GENTILE ASS. The Jews were the original gatekeepers, and God Bless 'Em for it!"
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker sighed in his head. Was he gonna be this much of a whiny tightwad when his portrayal of the DC Comics Character got old?
Back at their apartment, Two of the The Three Jokers were gathered in the living room with the briefcase containing the Coronavirus Cure placed on the coffee table. Jokers of the Heath and Joaquin variety hunched over it, popping it open and then closing it over and over again to see if it would start glowing gold like Pulp Fiction.
"Well, what are we waiting for, bros?" Jared Leto's Joker asked as he moseyed in drinking some Grape Fanta. "We got the goods, let's bounce down to the local Mickey D's and hand it to the 45th Prez of the US of Assholes."
"I don't know…" JP Joker ruminated long and hard over the ethical dilemma of the path ahead of him.
"Can't be getting cold feet now, bro. You already sold your soul… took the Trumpster's money… it'll be like tryin' to suck your piss back into the peepee-hole." JL Joker tsk'ed.
"It's just that… now that our most immediate persona threat of eviction has been resolved… it's like I can afford to be principled again." JP Joker shook his head, held his chin in contemplation to look contemplative.
HL Joker had an idea.
"Hey, we took his money… but it's not like we have to actually follow up, do we? Just like that Pizza Hut driver who delivered our Large Pepperoni and Sausage to Apartment 123 when we're fucking Apartment 321!" HL Joker snapped his fingers. "Boy, was clearing that one up a bitch!"
"I told you we should've ordered from Dominos instead!" JP Joker chastised his Dark Knight counterpart.
"Just put some sauce on cardboard and call it a pizza if you want Dominos that badly! Eatin' Pizza Hut doesn't leave me feeling all guilty, dirty, and empty inside at least!"
"I wonder if I could take 40 pizzas in 30 days." JL Joker wondered in an aside as the two other Jokers had a brief argument over the merits of one fast food pizza chain over the other.
"But enough!" HL Joker shouted. "I'm just sayin' is we can leave Trump blue-balled. Sell this cure instead to the highest bidder. I'm certain there's plenty out there who would pay us even more big bucks to be the one to save the world."
"Oh, what the hey." JP Joker acquiesced. "That sounds just as unprincipled as stealing this cure is to begin with – but we need money! To buy the PS5!"
"And Xbox Series X!" JL Joker chimed.
"SHUT IT." The two other Jokers shouted at him. JL Joker glared and slunk off.
"We're gonna be rich, fellas!" JP Joker produced some Mountain Dew and removed the lid like it was champagne.
"Fuck yeah? You know what this calls for? THE PARTY MONTAGE!" HL Joker flipped his laptop open to Spotify, because soulless ad-riddled streaming services have supplanted the soulless ad-riddled radio stations and who the fuck buys CDs let alone cassettes and vinyl and whatever other dead media there is anymore?
"Let's get something to eat!" JP Joker suggested.
"Awright my fellow gangstas, let's get Little Cs then! Those Five Dollah Hot n Readies are some real pimpin' pete-zaa pies!" JL Joker hooted.
"SHUT IT! LITTLE CAESAR'S EVEN WORSE THAN THE SHIT IT COMES OUT AS." HL Joker grabbed a pillow off the couch and smacked JL Joker with it.
"BITCHOLAS, ITS FIVE DOLLARS! WHAT ARE YOU EXPECTING, THE SPAGO?!" JL Joker retaliated as he grabbed another pillow and clobbered his fellow Joker with it. Joaquin's Joker saw this happening and snapped his fingers as he got an idea. "Yeah, I've been itchin' to do this since I saw Slumber Party Massacre II!"
This began a montage scene of The Three Jokers dancing and having a pillow fight set to the song "Hell's Café" by the act, Hell's Café as seen in the 1987 film Slumber Party Massacre II, directed by Deborah Brock. Except instead of a bunch of sexy teenage white chicks it's two middle-aged men and a dead twenty-something dressed up as clowns.
YMMV in regards to which one is hotter.
"Okay, so we need one of us to record a video ad and post it on the Dark Webs of the Internets to attract potential buyers." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker explained as he set up a tripod that he stole and placed on it his cell phone which he also stole and had set to video in photo mode.
"It should be me, obviously. I am played by Jared Leto, the Academy Award winning actor." Jared Leto's Joker boldly proposed.
"Look at this tiny big-cojone endowed fucker right here." Heath Ledger's Joker chastised him. "Award or no, your acting as Joker was even shittier than your tattoos. I deserve to be the face of this operation, me – the one thespian who actually won an award for playing the Joker!"
"No way, you dead meme prick! You only won that award because Heath Ledger died and got a sympathy vote! Robert Downey Jr. and his brilliant work in Tropic Thunder were robbed!"
"Big words coming from walking cringe!" Heath Ledger's Joker thumbed his nose at Jared Leto's.
"Maybe I should do it. I am after all the most recent Joker in popular consciousness." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker suggested, trying to be some sort of centrist moralist compromise. "And besides, I am - a Best Actor Winning Joker. Not just a supporting actor."
JP Joker pulled out a Pepsi to drink and did that thing that one kid did in that one scene from Home Alone. I don't remember what it was exactly since I haven't seen that shit since the seventh grade. Heath's Joker noticed this and was suddenly triggered. He went REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like the SJWs he always makes fun of. "JOAQUIN YOU JERK, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER BRING THAT UP WHEN I'M AT HOME."
Heath Ledger's Joker pounced on his Academy Award winning counterpart, and not wanting to feel left out with his "best make-up or whatever it was called" participation trophy Oscar, Jared Leto's Joker joined the brawl.
They tumbled into a big dust cloud that sucked in and destroyed all loose furniture in the room just like one of those old cartoons.
I'd probably write more, but I have villages to raid and social links to max out.
To be continued (?)