In the end Joaquin Phoenix's The Joker was picked to record their big video advertising the auction for the Coronavirus Cure, and to also act as the public face of The Joker Gang through which the transaction would be held.
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker was currently in his room conducting the auction with several anonymous prospects over Zoom. Meanwhile Jared Leto's Joker and Heath Ledger's Joker were at the kitchen table stewing in mutual grouchiness.
"I can't believe we let Mr. I Won Best Actor as Joker do it. Talk about boring predictability!"
"But it's okay when you win the award for Joker, eh, Heath?"
"Jared, you're just salty your movie and your Joker fucking sucked. If it weren't for Zack Snyder deciding to give you a Snyder Cut Participation Trophy, you'd be rightfully consigned to the Bin of Forgotten Comic Book Movie Failure where you belong!" Heath Ledger's Joker snarled.
"Eh, I'm over these Academy Awards anyhow. Bitches gave the Best Actor to Rami Malek for lip-syncing in a bad mustache. Can't trust those folks' taste after that." Jared Leto's Joker opined.
"Deflection, deflection, deflection! But I see you… ya loser loser loser!" Heath Ledger's Joker stuck a grumpy tongue out at his tattooed successor.
"But anyways…" Heath Ledger's Joker popped open a can of Mountain Dew Code Red, while Jared Leto's Joker slurped down some Mountain Dew Voltage. "…I can't wait for this Coronavirus Cure shit to be over with. I can already feel all the money we're gonna make from it sittin' in my lap!"
Jared Leto's Joker rubbed his palms. "Yeah baby! Maybe with a billion dollars, my girlfriend will come back to me! Imma spank Harley, spank her on the butt, with my billion dollars!"
"We're gonna be rich and the first thing you think to spend it on is women. Simp much? Like the kiddies say."
"You think of something much better?"
"Well duh – the PS fucking 5! With our big bucks, I can finally afford to pay one of these scalpers who keep taking the pre-orders!" Heath Ledger's Joker grabbed Jared Leto's Joker by the neck and without warning stuck his knife in the other's mouth. "You wanna know how I got these scars? PS3 launch night!"
"Dude, just wait for the hype to die down. Wait for the new and improved model. That's my motto. Ain't like we'll be running out of backlog shit to play on our PS4 anytime soon." Jared Leto's Joker tried to mumble through a somewhat occupied mouth.
"But the games!" Heath Ledger's Joker cried.
"What's there to play that ain't already on PS4? Man Spider Black? Also on PS4! Demon's Souls? Been there, done that – back on PS3!" Jared Leto's Joker tried to argue. "The only thing your early adoption's gonna end up playing is dust. Didn't buying the PS3 at launch teach you anything?"
"Fuck that! I went through hell and back for that $600 fat 60 gb baby! These scars were so so worth it!"
"Worth what? Having no gamez until 2009?" Jared Leto's Joker winked.
"Shut your mouth, you FagBoxer! RROD Assbitch! GET BILL GATES' FLACCID SCABBY BILLIONAIRE DICK OUTTA YOUR MOUTH." Heath Ledger's Joker smacked Jared Leto's Joker. "How does it feel knowing Sony had ALL THE GAMES for a generation and the XBONER had none!"
"Ok, so Microsoft shit the bed these past few years. But I'm enough of a man to admit I fucked up! So I sold my Xbox One – not easy BTW - when I saw how things were going and did things the Sony Way for once." Jared Leto's Joker confessed. "All I'm trying to say is, you don't need the shiny new toys immediately. Get the most out of your old toys while you still can. But what do I expect – you also brought a fucking PS Vita and a Wii U."
"YOU SON OF A BITCH. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU GUYS TO NEVER BRING THOSE UP." Heath Ledger's Joker ree'ed. "So now I have no choice but to do my thing! Smile up, Jared, you alt rock shitface!"
Before this situation could escalate, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker rushed in to deescalate things.
"Dudes, console wars are so last last generation." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker tsk'ed the other two Jokers. He plucked Heath Joker's knife outta Jared Joker's mouth, flinging it into the garbage disposal in the sink. "We live in an ever global gaming society where even Sony is now porting their exclusives onto PC. There's really no excuse to let pieces of plastic hardware divide us like they used to. How about you talk about stuff you'll do with your money besides video games?"
"Well…" Heath Ledger's Joker thought for a minute. "I am going to buy a plane ticket to Japan. To watch Evangelion 3.0+1.0: This Will (Not) Be Good. I don't understand a lick of Japanese besides the shit they scream in animes but Evangelion was never about the understanding it was about the feeling! Then I'll probably need some extra cash to pay my bail and hire a good lawyer."
"Wait… what?"
"Someone has to pay Studio Khara back for the Netflix retranslation and redub of Evangelion. And then kick Hideaki Anno in his waifu raping dick. Who better than me? Cause I'm so fucked up… or as they like to say it, the lowest of the low." Heath Ledger's Joker laughed. "Hey, it'll be fun. Like a Yakuza game."
"Man, it's just an anime. Don't go all the way to Japan and risk some 'Rona - just use Kissanime fansubs like us normal peeps. Ya weeb!" Jared Leto's Joker scoffed. "Oh wait… RIP Kiss… now we use"
"Shut it! Don't mention it! They could find it! They - the evil scourge known as copyright lawyers! They might be monitoring these fanfics! We can't keep letting them defend their corporate intellectual property!" Heath Ledger's Joker explained.
"Yeah, I'm just like my bro Bernie Sanders when I pirate anime and other shits! I'm taking the power from the corps and giving it back to the people!" Jared Leto's Joker thumbed up twice. "Eat the rich, bitches!'
"Anyways, we got a buyer!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker exclaimed. "The bidding was totes fast and furious… down to the wire. But the good thing is that it's someone very rich. And very local. So no need to risk planes or whatever, yo."
The Jokers began readying the Coronavirus Cure for transport, along with some of the other essentials for braving the outside world in the Coronavirus-addled America of 202X.
"Mask up, good friends! And smoke 'em if you got 'em!"
"I was thinking, we been watchin' loads of Japanese cartoons lately." JP Joker commented as they walked to where they had parked JL Joker's Purple Lamborghini.
"It's called anime, ya friggin' pleb." HL Joker snidely corrected him.
"Whatever. I'm just meanin' to say, that's all we been watchin' lately. It's all been getting too weird for me. And when we don't, we watch Japanese movies. But not the prestigious kind, like Kurosawa or Ozu. The weird kind, with stuff like guys eating ramen getting their insides blown out and girls cutting off their own father' erections with fucking scissors."
"Bro, you a pansy prude or what? Did you lose your guts with the rest of your weight? Kurosawa and Ozu are boring overrated shit." JL Joker opined. "Cats like Sion Sono, Ryuhei Kitamura, Takashi Miike, and the restin'-in-peace oldboy og Seijun Suzuki – they the true maestros of Jap Moving Pictures. You know, let's watch Casshern – the movie not the animes - when we get back. That was a real kickass undiscovered gem, I saw it when I was like 14 and it was deep yo."
"I don't care who's who and quite frankly I'm sick of sushi - I'm just proposing that maybe we take a break from the East for a day or two. Let's watch something old-fashioned and American made, something classic like… Star Trek."
"Star Trek? Are you fucking kidding me? That shit is corndog wack and boring, yo." JL Joker protested.
"Are you really gonna badmouth such an influential and progressive work in television?" JP Joker was in disbelief.
"Progressive? OG Star Trek's about as progressive as President-elect Joe Biden is – which is to say: all tell and no show! Did ya watch The Omega Glory? The Savage Curtain? The one with the Space Hippies? It's all stupid stories with stupid morals!" JL Joker ranted. "And don't get me started on The Next Generation, the wet dream of a decadent and debauched neoliberal capitalist empire in denial of its own decay! If you ask me, JJ gettin' his hands on this franchise was for the best! At least he realizes that Star Trek ain't never nothin' but flashy stupidity and he's bringin' the goods to match!"
"You must be a Star Wars fan." JP Joker pouted. "Star Trek's just too deep for you. Back me up here, Heath."
"Fuck Star Trek and Wars, man. You know what's just like 'em but good? Gundam and Macross."
"More weird Japanese robot cartoons!" JP Joker moaned. "They're just commercials to sell toys, Heath!"
"And like your Star Trek Wars have wrought anything better than a plastic model empire?" HL Joker sneered.
"Though I'll admit The Sisko was a real gangsta, nothin' but respect to him. War crimes go brrrrrrt ha ha ha kek" JL Joker conceded under his breath.
"Christ! This fanfic's getting lost in thinly veiled ramblings about whatever the author watched before he wrote this chapter again! Who the fuck does he think is, Warren Ellis?" HL Joker whined. "Man, we need something to spice things up, get the plot back into gear!"
Upon saying that, the Purple Lamborghini exploded, the force of the blast sending the three Jokers flying. As they landed and recovered they looked up to the rooftops to see two lithe ninja-like figures clad in black. One was holding a smoking RPG, while the other held two katanas. The ninja with katanas leapt off a building's edge, doing a graceful flip.
"Gulp!" HL Joker gulped and rolled out of the way, the katana's barely just missing his face. "Holy fuck, Ninja Assassins! This is so stupid yet so awesome – just like the movie Ninja Assassin!"
Heath Ledger's Joker scrambled away as the Ninja Assassin with the katanas continued to stab at him.
"What the hell? Jared, did you piss off the Yakuza again?" JP Joker looked at the tattooed Joker accusingly. Jared Leto's Joker was too wrapped up in the destruction of his prized Purple Lamborghini to really answer or care.
"The Yakuza? Now dat was a picture, by da one and only Sidney Poitier or wuz it Sydney Pollack, back-a when Hollywood made-a dem pictures of cinema insteada sooperheros all da time." The RPG Ninja commented in an I-talian American accent.
"Nonononononoonono." The damaged Joker sobbed, clasping his shaken palms against his bereaved head. "Harley's never gonna fuck me again now!"
Irritated by his obliviousness to the looming doom that was upon them, JP Joker smacked that bitch. "Jared, wake up and smell the gosh dang coffee! Women are nothing but pain and disappointment! Smothering anchors! And they don't smell as good as they think they do! I learned that the hard way!"
"You don't understand, Joaquin! Harley Quinn was a real flesh and blood female that was all mine to fuck! A right hand's no substitute for a vagina! But you wouldn't know about it you 40-something virgin!"
"For the love of God, man, cut yourself loose already! We don't need girlfriends anymore, we got video games now! We got your Japanese animes! And most of all – we got each other." Joker kept slapping the other Joker to smack the sense into him. Finally, the point got through.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Women are nothing but misery. I've never felt better than I do when I'm playin' with the boys." Jared Leto's Joker sniffled.
"Aw, enough of dis touchy feely happy crappy! Dis ain't genuine emotion, dis some saccharine drippy nonsense!" The RPG Ninja fired again at them. But with his head back in the game, JL Joker pushed JP Joker out of the way while he did a smooth combat roll and ripped a Magnum out of his pants (not his pocket, his actual pants) and fired at the rocket, hitting it in mid-air.
"Let's get the fuck out of here!" JP Joker said as JL Joker grabbed the Coronavirus Cure. HL Joker was kind of preoccupied, however, as he engaged the Katana Ninja in a knife vs. katana fight.
"Little busy here, jackasses!" HL Joker yelled. He feinted a slash at his ninja foe, and when the ninja took the bait, HL Joker sliced downwards – damaging the Ninja's Mask in the process.
"Gasp! But you're-" HL Joker was in total disbelief as the Katana Ninja removed his mask to reveal he was none other than the film director Christopher Nolan. Christopher Nolan then did a flip kick, smacking the knife out of HL Joker's hands.
"Yes, Joker, it is me – your very own director. And now I have come to kill you, you stupid Joker." Christopher Nolan said coldly.
"But why? I brought you fame! You think you could be making your big budget vanity projects if it weren't for all the big bucks The Dark Knight made? You think you woulda made all that money with Christian Bale alone?" HL Joker protested.
"You may be my greatest creation, but what parent hasn't reflected upon everything their children cost them and wished they'd gotten an abortion instead?" Christopher Nolan brandished his katana and pointed accusingly at the shocked Joker. "I saw the damage I have wrought upon the very soul of cinema with The Dark Knight. I have unleashed upon it a wicked beast, a ceaseless engine of commerce, from which the likes of the theatrical experience will never recover. It may be too late to save cinema, but at least slaying you shall grant me relief from my nightmares of guilt!"
"But why are you trying to steal the Coronavirus Cure if you just wanna kill me?"
"I tried my best to throw the movie industry a bone in these trying times with Tenet! My movie was going to be the movie that saved cinema! But you jerks didn't bother to see it! So if Tenet can't save cinemas, no movie can! THERE CAN BE NO CURE!" Christopher Nolan raved, the tepid box office performance of Tenet having driven him to utter madness. "So only when all your movies have been pushed back to eternal nothingness and your theaters are nothing but the derelict breeding grounds for junkie vagrants and all you can do is mourn what you lost from your own ineptitude – only then shall we allow you to die!"
"Aw, shut up already! Besides, Ben Affleck's Batman is much cooler than Smokey the Bale!" JL Joker scoffed and smacked Christopher Nolan on the back of his head with the briefcase containing the Coronavirus Cure, knocking him out temporarily.
"C'mon, let's jet!" JP Joker grabbed the other two Jokers by the hands and led them out of the alleyway where they had spent the preceding passage. "And be careful with that shit, Jared! Don't freaking break our billion dollar ticket outta this dump!"
"We need wheels. Those ninjas will catch up to us in no time if we just hoof it!" JP Joker stated as they reached the streets.
"No problem. I see our chariot outta here's comin' right towards us!" HL Joker pointed to a school bus coming down the road. A school bus filled with children and headed towards school, because like the rest of America, Gotham's school districts have just given up on any pretense of keeping their kids safe from the virus. He calmly pulled out his pistol and readied his aim, and fired – killing the driver.
"Ah, I still got it." HL Joker smiled to himself as the school bus swerved into the side of a store, killing some of the people in line outside who weren't standing in the designated social distancing spots.
"Alright, ya little brats – piss off outta here!" JL Joker boarded the bus and ushered the school kids out.
"And don't forget to social distance, wash your hands, and wear a mask! Joker Says!" JP Joker reminded them. "Here, take some of ours if you don't got 'em!" JP Joker handed out free hand sanitizers and facial masks to kids as they got off the bus.
"Very touching. Let's get outta here and get this fanfic done with before it gets even dumber." HL Joker said as he got into the driver's seat and steered the bus back into traffic.
"Jared, you got the destination mapped out?" JP Joker asked.
"Yep, bro, Google Maps ain't gonna fail us!" JL Joker pulled out his iPhone and plugged the destination of the buyer into the destination line. He saw what the destination was as he typed it out. "Wait, is this really? Huh… can't be real, but we'll see."
"Jesus Christ…" HL Joker finally took a few deep breaths as he put his foot on the pedal. He seemed to be on the verge of some existential crisis. "My own creator… I mean, technically I'm – no, we're created by some guys Bob Kane stole the credit from, but Christopher Nolan (and the screenwriters too, I guess) was my true daddy. And he just tried to murder me like I'm the villain of a Zack Snyder Superman film!"
"Forget Chris! Who was his buddy, the jerk with the RPG?" JP Joker panted as he took a seat.
"I dunno. He sounded like he was from the Old School. Must've been one of those New Hollywood doofuses." JL Joker theorized. "Y'know like De Palma, Coppola, Cimino, etc. – y'know those film school egotists who like making the same movie bout gangsters and other criminal deviants over and over again. Ain't like superhero movies, who understand what the word diversify means!"
The bus continued along its way unmolested for a while. The Jokers naively believed that in this brief moment that they were out of the frying pan. But they forgot about the second part of that saying – and into the fire they went.
For came the sound of sirens.
"Oh snickerdoodles, it's the police."
A fleet of the black and white came into view in the mirrors of the bus, blaring the sirens and flashing the lights. Hanging out of the window of the lead police car was an irate looking mustachioed man in a trench coat with his dual pistols in hand – Commissioner James Gordon.
"Hey Jokers, stop and pull over so we can shoot you! Plus, that cure will also do wonders for our tattered reputation! It's much cheaper than actual reform, pfffbt!" Commissioner Gordon demanded over a bullhorn as his cop car pulled up to the Joker's bus. He then cocked his pistols, ready to fire.
"No way, piglet! You can't cap us - we're white!" HL Joker crowed.
"Goddamn proper police procedure!" Commissioner Gordon whined before he put his guns away and climbed back into his seat.
"Sucks to be you, Baconator!" HL Joker pulled the bus away before swerving back to crash into Gordon's cop car.
"Aaaaaaagggaaaah!" Commissioner Gordon said as his cop car flipped over in the air several times before it landed on a passing Pinto and set off a massive explosion that set off pile-ups and stuff. But the chase wasn't over, for the legion of cop cars sped past their leader in continued pursuit of the Jokers. And it wasn't just cars, there were also helicopters just like in GTA San Andreas.
The Jokers had broken the star limit in the wanted level, and they probably wouldn't be in the blue zone any time soon. And in the distance, one of the Jokers spotted a dreadful familiar sight of two very murderous Ninja Assassin Film Directors ninja running on the tops of cars towards them.
"I knew we shoulda taken the eviction instead." JL Joker sighed.
To be continued (?)