A school bus sped alongside a chaotic Gotham freeway that was increasingly dotted with crashes and explosions. A fleet of police cars pursued the bus, but they weren't alone. There were also some Ninja Assassins, one of whom was an extremely irate Christopher Nolan who was determined to pay back America for rejecting his gift of the film Tenet during these pandemic times. And also the Mafia were there, as well as a bunch of militant bikers, along with some radical mutant punks on skateboards, the Yakuza and the Triads too because why not – and that was just the tip of the iceberg of everyone after the Jokers. They were the buyers who had failed to win the auction for the Coronavirus Cure that the Jokers stole, the ones who just couldn't take no for an answer like a drunk quarterback.
All in all, they'd begun the unfilmed production of an unlicensed Mad Max sequel. There was even a dude with a flamethrower ukulele, which admittedly was much lamer than the Fury Road dude with the flamethrower guitar.
Heath Ledger's Joker was driving the bus, while Joaquin Phoenix and Jared Leto's Jokers were both scurrying about throughout the bus from window to window to fire upon all their pursuers. Throughout the bus, in discarded kid's backpacks, were an assortment of weapons that would keep them armed and dangerous.
What were weapons doing in children's backpacks? Well, long before the Virus made America its bottom, issues of gun control were other hot politically divisive topics that the people who could actually do something about it just gave up on actually doing anything about it.
"You know, fighting the police right now as well as everything that happened these past few years got me thinking…" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker took cover underneath some seats next to Jared Leto's Joker. "…am I problematic?"
"What do you mean, homes? We're, um, the bad guys in like every Batman story ever told. We're supposed to be problematic, that's kinda our schtick." Jared Letos's Joker asked as he peeked over cover before immediately ducking down to avoid some submachine gun fire. He quickly unpinned a grenade and flung it outside. "Eat this, ya Calzone-breath bitches!"
"Forget our status as the most iconic comic book villain, I mean in regards to the media we consume and the reality it don't reflect."
"Whoa, don't tell me you watch Cops and that kinda shit."
"No, not frigging Cops. I'm not that tasteless. I mean, I know that the cops irl are a bunch of racist fascists on an endless power trip… but at the same time, I can get enjoyment of watching stuff like Lethal Weapon. Dirty Harry. Beverly Hills Cop. Rush Hour." (to which Jared Leto's Joker made an "eww" face) "Even those oh so problematic Bad Boys. Am… am… I a problematic hypocrite like my social justice meet-up group says?"
"Ride together, die together! BAD BOYS FOR LIFFFFE." Jared Leto's Joker shouted for no reason. Joaquin Phoenix's Joker started to think that maybe he was having this conversation with the wrong person. After, the Damaged Joker was someone who watches and loves The Boondock Saints unironically. His favorite movie of 2019 was Michael Bay's Six Underground on Netflix.
"Joaquin my bro, if you ask me – most entertainment's just entertainment. Not fucking endorsement!" Jared Leto's Joker said with somewhat condescending disdain. "I like to think of myself as a lefty on many issues, but I still can enjoy watchin' an Arnie or Clint flick, even when they's as right as 2+2 = 4! You know why? Cause I know when movies are just meant to be dumb entertainment! Not a flippin moral rulebook!"
"But-"
"But what? That I should get up in arms that some hack screenwriters thirty or forty years ago didn't take into account the delicate social sensibilities of the future?" Jared Leto's Joker scoffed before slapping Joaquin Phoenix's Joker on the back. "Dude, the only time you should suspect someone based on the media they consume if shit like Mein Kampf's on their bookshelf. But I'm sure you can go along laughing to Brooklyn 911 and still feel good about yourself as a person. Well, as good as someone like us criminal maniacs can feel about themselves, heh!"
"I don't know if I can as casually shrug off these kinda things as you, Jared. But you've given me something to think about." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker acquiesced while he and Jared Leto's Joker popped out of cover to gun down a couple of bikers trying to grapple onto the side of the bus. "Still, I don't think I'll be sharing this 'wisdom' with my social justice group at our next meeting."
"Bro, your social justice group tried to cancel eating at Chinese and Japanese restaurants because the PRC and Japan both were oh so problematic." After saying this, Jared Leto's Joker moved to the rear of the bus.
Christopher Nolan, who had been driven by the tepid box office performance of Tenet into murderous ninja assassin madness, was Naruto running through the traffic and catching up to them along with the still mysterious masked RPG Ninja who had accompanied him in the previous chapter. And the director of the best Batman film – Batman Begins, were you expecting something else - was getting closer.
Jared Leto's Joker picked up a sniper rifle from one of the backpacks. "Cover me, Phoenix. I'll send this nerd to the Great Movie Theater in the Sky." He steadied his aim, and got Christopher Nolan straight in his crosshairs. Christopher Nolan, seeing the glint off the scope of his rifle, reached into his pocket and flung several ninja stars at the bus.
With pinpoint accuracy and sharp reflexes, The Jokers shot down all the stars.
"Sorry, Nolan. Love your movies, but it's you or me and quite frankly I really love me more." Jared Leto's Joker whispered as he readied the coup de grace only to hear a loud crash – the sound of glass shattering from his side. He turned his head in time to see a THIRD Ninja Assassin swinging his boots right into his face – throwing off his aim.
The bullet instead hit the wheel of a big truck Christopher Nolan and his RPG Ninja Buddy were on and sent it flying like that one from The Dark Knight. The RPG Ninja fired his rocket without missing a beat, and Christopher Nolan quickly jumped on the missile and began riding it towards the bus.
"Hit it, Heath!" Jared Leto's Joker yelled. The bus hit speeds it didn't even seem possible for buses to hit, but Christopher Nolan remained hot on their tail. The RPG Ninja fired after him a big missile massacre just like in a Japanese anime, the missiles destroying many of their other pursuers in big gratuitous explosions.
"Salty Saltine Crackers!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker cursed as the new ninja fought him and Jared Leto's Joker in close quarters combat. "Who the blazes are you?"
"You thought there were only two ninjas after your hides… but in reality… THERE WERE THREE." The Third Ninja laughed before he did a spin kick into Joaquin Phoenix's Joker's jaw. "DID I SUBVERT YOUR EXPECTATIONS OR WHAT?"
"Oh no." The Three Jokers all said in unison as the Third Ninja removed his mask to reveal that he was actually Rian Johnson – director of Knives Out and The Last Jedi and the one where you're supposed to buy that Joseph Gordon Levitt will age into Bruce Willis.
"Why are you working with Christopher Nolan? Can't you see that he's gone certifiably bonkers?" Jared Leto's Joker asked as they fought. Rian Johnson proceeded to deck him in the gut, before doing a spinning piledriver on him.
"2020's been one whole awesome year of subverting expectations! I couldn't dare let a year top me, the master of Subverting Expectations! So what better way to do so but destroy the cure for the Coronavirus? People shouldn't have expected this pandemic to end one day if they didn't want me subverting it!" Rian Johnson laughed as he blocked punches from both Jokers engaging him. He then grabbed them by the throats and bonked their heads together. "Yo Joker, my movie Knives Out was so much better written than your silly Taxi Driver rip-off! And I'd be doing movies a disservice if I called Suicide Squad a movie, hee hee!"
Rian Johnson proceeded to throw around and trash talk the two Jokers some more. "This has been fun playing with you boys, but I promised Nolan I'd do what that Dark Knight couldn't and KILL THE JOKER."
Rian Johnson whipped out his katana and advanced towards Heath Ledger's Joker. Heath Ledger's Joker whipped out a pistol and fired at the advancing film director, only for Rian Johnson to twirl his katana around like a sink garbage disposal and slice the bullets out of the air.
"Fuck! Empty!" Heath Ledger's Joker gulped as his firearm began clicking dry. He reached into his pocket and found out he only had one bullet left in his current supply. He couldn't go to get more because abandoning the driver's seat in an active high speed chase is pretty stupid.
Jared Leto's Joker got up to charge Rian Johnson, but Joaquin Phoenix's Joker restrained him. "Jared, we can't beat him with brute force alone. He is far too trained in the ninja arts and way of the blade for us to match him like that! No, we have to beat Rian at his own game… subverting expectations!"
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled shrilly. Rian Johnson whirled around, still blocking the last bullet of Heath Ledger's Joker with his katana as he did.
"What do you want, Joker? I'll get to you once I'm done with Joker there."
"You like subverting expectations, huh? Well hear me out. 2020's been nothing but a shit year to top all shit years. Do you really think you're gonna be subverting expectations by destroying the Coronavirus Cure? No, you're just making a shitty year even shittier!"
"Huh? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Rian Johnson began to shake and shiver suddenly.
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker pointed his finger just like Phoenix Wright accusing someone at Rian Johnson.
"Rian Johnson, you ain't subverting shit! You're just doing what anyone who's lived through this year expects!"
"No! Impossible!" Rian Johnson stammered as the words of The Joker carved through him like a hot knife in butter, or shit passing through a seagull. "I don't play to expectations! I subvert expectations! But…" He stopped, gripped by torrid reflection. "…what if I subverted expectations so much I'm playing to expectation by subverting expectations? But if I play to expectations, then I still subvert expectations! But that means I'm subverting expectations which means I'm not subverting expectations I'm playing to expectations. OH NOES!"
Rian Johnson went cross-eyed. His entire being underwent an utter wave of derealization, the dematerialization of his entire self. Color faded from his body as it distorted and flickered in and out of existence in a field of jagged static like a decayed VHS tape. Then Rian Johnson exploded into nothingness.
"Huh." The Three Jokers blinked as Joaquin Phoenix's Joker rubbed his chin. "I wasn't sure that actually going to work."
"Um…" Jared Leto's Joker stared. "…was this shit supposed to mock Rian Johnson subverting expectations in that Star Wars flick or was it supposed to mock the fanboy mouth-breathers who are still angry 'bout it? Same shit with the Christopher Nolan shit goin' on here."
"I dunno. I think the hack author is doing yet another bit of increasingly tiresome both sides lol comedy. Like South Park." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker said as he and Jared Leto's Joker went back to firing on their pursuers.
"Hey watch your mouth! South Park's funny, the best! Did it trigger you snowflakes?" An ungrateful Heath Ledger's Joker shouted back at them.
"Now I ain't the biggest fan of them sequel trilogy movies, but they're just fucking Star Wars movies man. I watch Star Wars to see cool spaceships explode and laser sword go voom voom for two hours and all these movies delivered on it – well, maybe not Solo. Kinda sad if you're getting worked up about any of these movies whether they're sequels, prequels, or special editions like it's an actual life or death matter like healthcare." Jared Leto's Joker said as he and Joaquin Phoenix's Joker gunned down a couple mobsters and exploded a few motorcycles. "I dunno, I just like Star Wars."
"If you ask me, all Star Wars is nothing but George Lucas' cynical ploy to pad his wallet out through merchandising – where the real money comes from. And now Disney's doing it in his place. Smart people don't watch Star Wars, they watch Star Trek. Even Into Darkness' got more brain cells than an entire trilogy of Star Wars." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker turned his nose up.
"I think all Star Wars but the original Originals suck." Heath Ledger's Joker weighed in. "The prequels killed my childhood and the sequels have moved onto fucking the corpse. The cartoons like Clunk Wars ain't nothin' but dumb cartoons – and cartoons suck cause they for kids not like anime which is for grown-ups - and The Mandalorian is nothing but a total non-character (an empty fanservice shell) wandering through thirty minute toy commercials for special needs children. Now I haven't watched a single episode of the cartoons or the Mandalorian, but you don't need to actually watch 'em to criticize 'em remember."
Before this oh so interesting conversation could go any further, Christopher Nolan caught up. He did a flip off the missile before it crashed into the bus, landing on the rooftop after the missile collided with the bus and set on fire. With ancient ninja black magic, Christopher Nolan imbued his katanas with the enchantment of flaming neon lightning and began cutting into the bus.
"C'mon, Jared, let's get him!" Joaquin Phoenix stated and they began making moves to climb onto the roof, but Heath Ledger raised his voice.
"No guys, Nolan is my responsibility. He brought me into this world and now I'll take him out. Joaquin, you grab the wheel, keep this old girl steady, and get us somewhere safe!"
Heath Ledger's Joker grabbed an AR-15 out of a backpack and shot a hole in the roof. With a big jump just-a like-a Mario, Heath Ledger's Joker hopped onto the rooftop of the flaming bus to confront his God.
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker felt his heart pound like a motherfucker and his nerves wreck themselves as he tried to navigate the bus as enemies surrounded them on all sides.
Jared Leto's Joker darted all around the bus, firing out of all windows and dodging enemy fire from every angle. But they were many, and he was but one with his bros preoccupied, and they were finally starting to run low on ammo.
"You wanna know how I got these scars?" Heath Ledger's Joker asked as he brandished his knife in front of Christopher Nolan.
"No, but I know how you got these." Christopher Nolan responded as he sliced off both of Heath Ledger Joker's hands with his katana.
"Man, you just cut off my hands!" Heath Ledger's Joker whined. "That ain't scarring, that's dismemberment!"
"Oops. My bad." Christopher Nolan shrugged.
"Whatever! I totally don't need hands to kick your nerdy cinephile ass!" Heath Ledger's Joker screamed and ran at Christopher Nolan with his stumps flailing. Heath Ledger Joker proved to be little match for a Master of the Blade like Christopher Nolan and was tossed around a bit, before being thrown off the side of the bus.
"Hggggg!" He grunted as he managed to catch the edge in time with his elbow-pits and struggled to pull himself up. "Nolan, how the hell did you learn to fight so well when you can't film it for shit in your movies?"
"That's a mystery you'll have to contemplate down the highway to hell, Joker. Any last words?" Christopher Nolan raised his katana.
Heath Ledger Joker scrambled his thoughts, trying to think of a way out of this. Compared to Christopher Nolan, fighting Batman was a doozy! No wonder why Warner Bros just dropped Tenet into theaters in a pandemic in lieu of a more sensible option! Then he remembered how the other Jokers had beaten Rian Johnson. At his own game! But how could he, The Joker, throw a master like Christopher Nolan off his rocker?
Then the idea came to him right as Nolan began to bring his blade down.
"Yes, I do! Just one word: TENET."
"What." But it was enough to make Christopher Nolan stay his blade. Just for a bit. But a bit was all he needed. For one shot to get this right. So with a complicated maneuver involving his feet, bloody stumps, elbows, nose, teeth and tongue since his fucking hands were gone Heath Ledger's Joker got his iPhone out and opened in his mouth.
"ROOK!" Heath Ledger's Joker ordered Christopher Nolan. Against his better thinking, Christopher Nolan focused on the screen. And what he saw was the face of total madness. An abomination against God and nature.
It was Tenet on a pirate website. Filmed on camera at the Drive-In. Watched ON. A. PHONE.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." Christopher Nolan shrieked before his mind shut down and he just stopped thinking. Christopher Nolan, unable to balance on the flaming bus as it hurtled down the highway, fell off the sides and turned to dust as he hit the road.
"Phew…" Heath Ledger's Joker wiped his brow bloodying his face with his stumps as the Jared Leto's Joker pulled him to safety through a window.
"GANGWAY, GANG!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker shrieked as the three Jokers ran from the flaming wreck that had been their bus in slow motion. They carried the Coronavirus Cure and a single backpack retrieved from the interior. Without looking back, the school bus exploded behind them and propelled all Three Jokers into the air.
"Oommmph! I think I just broke my dick!" Jared Leto's Joker moaned as he landed with a big flop.
"Maybe you can get Damaged tattooed over its bent remains." Heath Ledger's Joker chortled.
"Bite my muy caliente chorizo!" Jared Leto's Joker responded by flipping the birds.
"Your espanol sucks." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker commented. "Besides, Jared, you aren't even Spanish/Mexican. (depending on your preference of chorizo, dear reader) That's cultural appropriation, don't do it."
Jared Leto's Joker shrugged.
"C'mon guys, let's get moving. Unless we find another working ride…" Joaquin Phoenix surveyed the burning wreck of their bus, along with the road of carnage they had made of the highway. Then all the remaining vehicles of their purseurs caught up and surrounded the Jokers. "…we're boned."
"Goddamn it I wanna be boned by a soft curvy blondie not a big flabby redneck biker named Bubba!" Jared Leto's Joker squealed in fear.
The police, yakuza, mafia, bikers, the FBI, out of work Riddler goons, hobos, sewer mutants, Republicans, Democrats, representatives from the corporation that owns Pizza Hut, various factions in the Persona waifu wars, social justice warriors, neo-Nazis, colorfully dressed multi-cultural punk gangs, that one yet to be unmasked Ninja Assassin with the RPG, LARPers, foot fetishists who have taken offense to The Jokers' claims that gamers are the most persecuted minority in society, the make-up team of Star Trek Beyond, Karen, and practically everyone and everything with a stake in being the curer of Coronavirus or with a vendetta against the Jokers had gathered and were briefly united by their desire for blood.
Dozens of weapons were trained on the Jokers.
"Um… I don't suppose you got anymore pistolas in your pants, Jared?" Heath Ledger's Joker asked.
"Sorry, man. Shot the last of my load on the bus." Jared Leto's Joker seemed genuinely apologetic. "Hate to say it bros, but it looks like we're officially fucked."
"Maybe there's something in this last pack to save us!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker tried to cling onto some hope as he zipped the last backpack open.
"I admire your optimism – no I actually don't that's a lie" Heath Ledger's Joker said flustered. "But I don't think even a goddamn TANK will be enough."
"Oh ye of little faith." Joaquin Phoenix's Joker whispered to himself as he rummaged around in the pack's insides and found his fingers brushing against a piece of cold plastic. He removed it to find he was holding a big red button on a base. Inscribed upon the button were the words:
DEUS
EX
MACHINA
This was even better than the Konami Code. Then The Joker slapped his palm on the button real hard.
There was a sound like trumpets from the heavens above. Purple rain began to fall. Then from out of nowhere, as funky music played, a Little Red Corvette sped in from outta nowhere and rammed into the congregation of foes that had gathered around the Three Jokers. There was explosions and dismemberment everywhere. As Red Corvette swerved and turned on its side, the door was kicked open and its driver leapt out, firing a hail of submachine gun fire into the crowd around him as he ascended and descended down with a graceful twirl. It was like a Gold rush, if gold was blood. It was such beautiful carnage that doves flew by and cried yo.
The Three Jokers squinted to try and focus on their savior as he made quick work of the hordes that had laid siege to them. He had a distinct stylized look to him, far cry from their mundane three-dimensional photorealistic existence. In fact it seemed that this Joker had lived all his life in two dimensions, but a life that was richer than any of theirs.
"It's you!" The Three Jokers shouted in unison as they recognized the distinctive Bruce Timm design of their savior. It was another The Joker, but not just any The Joker – Mark Hamill's Joker from Batman The Animated Series!
Why all the Prince references if it's not fucking Prince as a ghost or zombie, or even the Joker from the movie with the Prince connection? I just wanted to make those references.
"Talk about a Deus Ex Machina!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker commented as bullets and blades bounced harmlessly off Mark Hamill's Joker, because he was a cartoon and had cartoon physics that defied reality.
"You boys didn't really think you could have one big Joker party without me, did you?" Mark Hamill's Joker laughed as he uppercutted some punks into the atmosphere.
"Hey, as long as it's you and not that freaking weirdo from Gotham!" Jared Leto's Joker praised.
"Heh, very faint praise coming from the prime eyesore of Suicide Squad!" Mark Hamill's Joker dismissed Jared Leto's Joker.
Soon it was over – their enemies were all dead by the hand of Mark Hamill's Joker, set ablaze in a mass funeral pyre on the freeway.
"Now come along and follow me, kiddies. We got a Coronavirus Cure to deliver. And then let's go home and watch some true KINO films– I'm talkin' Ernest Goes To School."
The Jokers were merrily about to continue on their way to the final destination, and their moods were climbing in positivity. They burst into song.
"If you're happy and you know it – clap your hands!" They all sang and clapped in unison, even Heath Ledger's Joker who didn't have hands because Christopher Nolan cut them off. He just clapped his bloody stumps together.
Suddenly their joyful music of celebration was cut off. Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones began to play, without a graceful segue. And it wasn't no normal Gimme Shelter. It was Gimme Shelter, mixed with the theme from The Terminator.
The Terminator 1 rendition, to let you know this was super serious business.
The Jokers turned around to look at the flaming wreckage behind them. Crawling out of the flames like Robert Patrick was the Ninja Assassin with an RPG.
"Stand back, boys! Looks like this Oriental interloper didn't get the memo when I killed everybody else!" Mark Hamill's Joker leapt in front of the others and put his dukes up.
"YER A CARTOON. CARTOONS AIN'T-A THE REAL-A CINEMA. OFFWITCHU." The RPG Ninja said with disdain. As he walked the flames burned away at his clothing to reveal underneath an ultra-advanced high-tech cybernetic body. And what little flesh remained of the body revealed a familiar senior's face: none other than the movie director, Martin Scorsese!
Martin Scorsese had become a cyborg ninja assassin! Martin Scorsese lurched towards Mark Hamill's Joker like Frankenstein and grabbed him by the neck.
"Wait you can't kill me! I'm the best Joker! Better than those live action clowns!" Mark Hamill's Joker protested to deaf ears as the other Jokers could only look on in horror.
"HERE'S THE POWER OF CINEMA, CAPISCE!" Martin Scorsese said before snapping the neck a clean 360 degrees before popping the head off like a cork of champagne. Unbelievably, with the power of cinema that he had mastered, Martin Scorsese had defied the cartoon physics of the animated Joker and killed him.
"Oh my god, Martin Scorsese, you just killed The Joker!" The Three Jokers were in disbelief. They pointed accusingly at him. "You bastard!"
"Now, now, my momma and papa were-a happily-a married." Martin Scorsese cracked his cyborg-enhanced knuckles. "For that crack I oughta just pound your heads inta da pavement until-a yer nuthin' but pasta dust!"
Martin Scorsese advanced on the three Jokers. "Now whadayawanta gimme first – yer Coronavirus Cure or yer lives?"
"Martin Scorsese why do you want to destroy the Cure for anyways?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker demanded to know. "Don't you know that without this cure, the death of theatrical cinema is imminent?"
"Sonny, cinema was dead long 'fore this virus came around!" Martin Scorsese ranted before dumping a bunch of exposition. "Them movie studio producers ain't interested in financin' anythin' that don't have them computah-generated souperheroes no more! Movie theatahs ain't interested in showin' anythin' that don't have them computah-generated souperheroes no more! But you know who is – da streamahs! Netflix, dey gimme a coupla million cool bucks no one else would ta make an epic four hour gangsta movie with my buddy Robert De Niro! Streamin's da future of the cinema, and Imma do my part to kill the theaters ta make cinema king again! Dem boys at alla dem streamers, except dem cockasuckers at Dizney Plus, all pitched inta gimme dese Cyborg Ninja enhancements to eradicate the theaters!"
Martin Scorsese laughed triumphantly.
"Mang, get over yourself. All you make is gangster movies. Goodfellas, Casino, Mean Streets – all just gangster movies. Irishman, just another gangster movie. Taxi Driver? Gangster movie with a solo gangster. Wolf of Wall Street and Silence? Just gangster movies about the legally-sanctioned kinds of gangsterism." Heath Ledger's Joker dismissed Scorsese. "You know what's actually cinema? Dragon Ball Super: Broly."
"Shut it, Heath Ledger Joker! CHRISTOPHER NOLAN MOVIES AIN'T CINEMA." Martin Scorsese lasered Heath Ledger's Joker in the dick with his cyborg ninja laser vision. "Cause theys entertains and entertainment's ain't cinema!"
"But Mr. Scorsese, what about the horrific loss of human life and the lasting generational scars this pandemic has brought about and will continue to bring about if you destroy the Cure?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker appealed.
"Eh, like my momma usedta say, ya ain't gonna cook spaghetti and meatballs if ya ain't gonna butcher yer pigs an' moo-moo cows. Cause then ya just got spaghetti and that ain't as great as spaghetti and meatballs." Martin Scorsese shrugged.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Heath Ledger's Joker cried as he clutched at the burning remains of his dick.
"Ya dense clowns, I'm sayin' all these people dead and dyin' from-a the coronavirus are like-a the meat ya need fer meatballs. An' with less people in da world, there's less people to watch-a dem souperhero MC-U movies and so less-a money for-a Dizney to be makin'. That'll show 'em for fuggin' about wit my fuggin' piece a cinema Kundun!" Martin Scorsese said without remorse.
"YOU MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker ran screaming at Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese, without breaking a sweat, did a cyborg ninja kickflip and sent The Joker spinning into the air. Martin Scorsese grabbed him by the heel and swung him about before flinging him into the sky. Martin Scorsese then sprouted a jetpack on his back and began pummeling the Phoenix Joker with a thousand punches bajiquan style before grabbing him, flying all the way into the stratosphere before doing a piledriver on him via atmospheric reentry.
"Ouch. I need a breather." JP Joker whined after they landed, as the mushroom cloud dissipated above the crater.
"Ya wanna be next, ya tattooed schmuck?" Martin Scorsese advanced on Jared Leto's Joker.
"I don't wanna fight you, man. I look up to you, grandbro. I had a Goodfellas poster in my dorm room. Along with Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, and of course The Boondock Fuckin' Saints." Jared Leto's Joker reminisced. "No girl who went inside ever wanted to date me, but still… good times, man."
"Boondock Saints! Now dat's real fuggin' cinema there! Only Hollywood thing I've seen since dat compares is Shoot 'Em Up starrin' Clive Barker!" Martin Scorsese and Jared Leto's Joker surprisingly found common ground, enough to permit a temporary truth.
"Well, as long as you ain't trying to kill me…" Jared Leto's Joker thought quickly and whipped out his phone. "I think you better take a look at this."
On the phone was The Hollywood Reporter with some recent headline news. Martin Scorsese squinted, before his brows furrowed with righteous fury.
"Whaddafuggisdis? Da Warner Bros are gonna release alla der movies onna da HBO Max? Wondah Woman, Da Suicide Squad, Dune dis and Godzilla versus Kong dat – none a dat shit's cinema!" Martin Scorsese recoiled.
"And you know what other big studio has a whole backlog of delayed 'souperhero' and other kinds of blockbuster films just waitin' to be unleashed, Mister? Pretty soon, streaming's just gonna be the same kind of anti-cinema cesspit that the movie theater is." Jared Leto's Joker winked. "Sir, capitalism always finds a way to adapt and win. It's like cockroaches in that respect."
"DIZNEY! DOSE MOTHAFUGGAHS! Well, I fer one, ain't gonna stand fer dat!" Martin Scorsese clenched his fists so hard he turned thin air into diamonds with nothing but the power of his rage. "Alright, you Jokers, you can lives fer now. But ya better get runnin' cause once I'm done wit 'Burn Hollywood Burn' I'm comin' back fer you!"
"I can't believe that actually worked." Jared Leto's Joker wiped his brow as Martin Scorsese flew off into the horizon on his jetpack. "Well, let's do what he said and GTFO."
"In a sec, guys." Heath Ledger's Joker waddled over to the corpse of Mark Hamill's Joker and like a dog, tried tearing off the deceased's hands with his teeth. When that didn't work, he flipped a pencil out of his pocket and caught the tip between his teeth. Using the eraser, the #1 weakness of cartoons, Heath's Joker erased the hands off the body. Now taking the hands into his mouth he pressed stump against stump, and through cartoon physics, they somehow melded with his flesh and became his own.
"What the fudge?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker saw it and threw up.
"What?" Heath Ledger's Joker shrugged. "Not like Mark's gonna be needing them anymore. And speaking of needing something…"
"Don't you fucking do it! Have some decency, bro!" Jared Leto's Joker warned as Heath Ledger's Joker looked down at the destroyed remains of his own penis and then back at Mark Hamill Joker's corpse.
The warning fell on deaf ears.
"Oh god, he did it." Jared Leto's Joker looked away as Heath Ledger's Joker did it.
"FUDGING HECK!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker threw up again on his own throw-up.
"Wow, it's bigger than mine!" Heath Ledger's Joker remarked as he tenderly eased it into sync with his body by gently rubbing. "God bless cartoons."
At last The Jokers finally arrived at their destination, after a very long and boring walk. So boring that the author couldn't even be bothered to come up with the kind of frivolous useless pop and socio-political culture tirades masquerading as discussion that have comprised the majority of this fanfic to fill in the time.
"Well, we're finally here. This is where the winner of our Coronavirus Cure auction, the mysterious Rat-Man, said to meet." The Three Jokers looked at stately manor with its sprawling green estate in front of them. Something that they could never afford to live in, even with all their salaries combined. "Wayne Manor. Couldn't have picked a more distinguished place, other than Arkham maybe."
Somehow, Joaquin Phoenix's Joker thought to himself, somehow he just knew that destiny would take him back to this place. The Wayne identity after all played such a pivotal role in the Joker movie after all.
"Let's get this over with." Heath Ledger's Joker pushed the bell at the gate. Wayne Manor had no particular significance to him, since it got burned down in the Batman Begins movie and played no role in The Dark Knight after all.
"I don't like this, guys." Jared Leto's Joker shivered. "Something bout this fancy ass one percenter's lodging is rubbing me the wrong way."
Something shifted in the bushes and emerged from them was not a man but something utterly bereft of humanity that wore its skin. As if a rodent had gained sentience and shifted form. It could mimic expression and emotion, express basic and empty platitudes, but only to remind you how false the hollow mortal shell that its existence occupied was. This being was none other
"2020 Democratic Primary Candidate Pete Buttigieg!" The Three Jokers exclaimed with severe disdain.
The parody of a man shook his head, and held out a briefcase.
"Who is Pete? I'm Rat-Man. Chitter chit."
"What do you want with the Cure, Mayo Pete?" Jared Leto's Joker, not buying the claim, demanded to know.
"I'm gonna give it to Joe Biden. Out of the good of my patriotic heart. Totally not because I - hypothetically speaking of course - feel I am an individual due a reward for collaborating to quash that dangerous socialist Bernie Sanders' chances in the primary, and this cure will give this hypothetical individual the edge for a cushy cabinet job over those other losers! Suck it, Warren!" Rat-Man tried to mimic a squeal of joy. It just sounded like rats chittering as they crawled through holes the walls.
"Um, but why Wayne Manor? You ain't a Wayne… are you?" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker inquired. "Too many potential bastards running around in that lineage, I say."
"Eh, no reason. I thought it looked nice on Google Maps." The Rat-Man shrugged. "Now do you want your billion dollars or not?"
"Fuck yeah we do." Heath Ledger's Joker grabbed the briefcase containing the Coronavirus Cure and shoved it through the gaps in the gate to the Rat-Man. He took the payment and began undoing the latches on the case.
"Um, Heath, maybe we should wait until we're safely home until we do that!" Joaquin Phoenix's Joker advised. "After all, who knows who could be watching!"
The Rat-Man just watched and tried to smile. But he couldn't smile without squeaking.
"Fuck caution! I've waited too long for some of the good moolah! PS5, I'm coming for you!" Heath Ledger's Joker ripped the briefcase open. But instead of shining gold like he expected, there was a rude abrupt hissing as a gas grenade exploded in the three Jokers' faces.
Knockout gas. Joaquin Phoenix and Heath Ledger's Jokers were taken out almost instantly.
"Centrist rat! Bourgeoisie enemy of leftist intellectuals and the working class! I knew we couldn't trust you, ya gay white Obama!" Jared Leto's Joker snarled as he tried to cover his mouth and draw his gangsta Magnum on the man he presumed to be Pete Buttigieg, but he was too slow on the draw and soon was joining his other Jokers in the land of nod.
"Pete Buttigieg? Please I am Rat-Man and Rat-Man is but a disguise. And you stupid suckers took the bait – hook, line, and sinker." The Rat-Man said as he reached up and tugged at his own skin. Before tearing it off just like Tom Cruise always does in the scenes from those Mission Impossible movies, revealing that the face of Pete Buttigieg was but an elaborate facial mask. Underneath it was the chiseled, heroic jaw of a broody black-haired blue-eyed all-American male.
"My name is Bruce Wayne and at last I shall have my revenge."
To be continued (?)