AN: So the aftermath of the talk with Roan coming up here… kind of an emotional chapter, or at least parts of it. The chapter title is a hint of what's waiting…
I don't own anything relating to The 100
Chapter title from "Wildfire" by SYML
46
Sometimes We Break so Beautiful
Of course, they still have almost an hour before their surfing lesson, so they take off their shoes and stroll along the beach, testing the water and buying ice cream from a street vendor.
By the time they meet their surf instructor, Clarke's feeling almost back to normal, even looking forward to the experience. She's honestly gotten almost scarily good at compartmentalizing and pushing the whole situation with Bellamy's Number to the back of her mind in the last few months.
Bellamy takes to surfing basically immediately, a natural, while she still can't stay on her feet for more than a second or two at the end of their two hour lesson.
"You had fun, though, right?" Bellamy asks when they're seated at a table outside a restaurant right by the beach.
"I did, absolutely," she assures him. "I just don't have great balance, it's not news."
"Good," he says with a smile, before popping a few fries into his mouth. They both eat in silence for a while before he clears his throat. "Listen, I know that the meeting with that Roan guy wasn't what you were hoping for…"
He pauses and she swallows down her food. "You wanted to let it go, I get that," she replies. "Did you change your mind?"
"No." He shakes his head. "I assume we can find out what's… what's going to happen once we get closer, and if the time and cause work out, we can try to postpone it, like we talked about, but until then… what was it you said, when we were planning the whole thing back in New York? Focus on the trip, try to forget… everything else."
It's what she's been doing ever since, really, so it shouldn't be hard to agree to, but it still feels like giving up. Not that there's anything else they can do, not right now. She's sure that Raven will let them know if she finds something, or comes up with a theory of her own, but the best thing they themselves can do right now is really to just follow Roan's advice and enjoy the time they have together.
So she nods, even manages a small smile. "Of course."
"Thank you." He reaches over to squeeze her hand and she squeezes back.
He changes the subject and they talk about their surfing experience while they finish their lunch. When all the food's gone, they head back to the city, just stopping by their hotel to shower and change before returning to the opera house. There isn't a show they really want to see playing while they're here, so instead they have a tour of the opera house itself booked, followed by dinner at the Opera Bar after. It's interesting, learning more about the building, its architecture and history, and getting to see areas that are normally off limits for visitors. And the food is delicious, no doubt about it, and made even better by the view of the bridge twinkling in the distance, the lights from the city reflecting in the now dark water.
After some research, Clarke decided on Taronga Zoo instead of the more famous one in the city, so on Wednesday morning, they hop on the ferry to cross the harbor and spend the morning strolling around the lush park.
"It would've been nice to be able to see them in the wild," Bellamy notes when they're watching the kangaroos.
"Yeah," she agrees. "There are bushwalks we could go on, but as always with animals, they can't promise anything, so this felt safer. But we could look into that too, if you want? Or just rent a car and drive ourselves, I know the Blue Mountains are only two hours or so away. Even if we don't see any animals, I bet the scenery's amazing."
He thinks it over for a moment. "That would be fun, but don't we already have plans tomorrow?"
"Just the dinner at Sydney tower in the evening, but if we try to leave early, we should be back in plenty of time." She moves in a little closer and his arm goes around her shoulders immediately. "Other than that, I just thought we could go to the botanical garden, but getting out of the city would probably be more fun."
"Yeah. Do you think we could get a guide at such short notice? I mean, I know we're fit and all, but we don't know the area at all. Google Maps is awesome, but I would feel better if we had someone who's familiar with the place with us."
Clarke pulls her phone out of her pocket and googles 'blue mountain hikes'. "Let's check right away."
She opens the first link she finds to a company that does hikes, checks what they offer – everything from easy hikes for a couple of hours to full weeks in the bush – and copies the phone number listed so she can call it.
The woman who picks up is more than happy to help, and when she hangs up half an hour later, they're booked in on a three and a half hour hike in something called Valley of the Waterfalls, which sounds nice.
"OK, all done!" she announces. "We're getting picked up at the hotel at seven thirty in the morning, and we'll be back around two thirty in the afternoon. Perfect timing."
"Awesome," Bellamy says. "Come on, we still have the koalas left."
They continue exploring the different enclosures, grabbing some lunch when they get hungry, and then take the ferry back across the water.
They take their time on their way back to the hotel, cutting through the botanical garden to at least have a look at it. Still, they're back in their room by late afternoon, the setting sun already painting the sky in different colors outside the window. Bellamy immediately flops onto the bed and lets out a long breath.
"Think we can get someone to deliver food to the room?" he asks, and Clarke sits down next to him with a chuckle. "I really don't feel like leaving this bed again today."
"We can try," she says, sliding her fingers into his hair. He leans into the touch, and she scratches his scalp a little. "If not, I can just go grab something to go at one of the restaurants nearby, no problem."
He smiles without opening his eyes. "Best girlfriend ever."
She laughs but pulls away to be able to change out of her jean shorts. When she pulls them off, a piece of paper flutters to the floor and she leans down to pick it up. It's the receipt from their lunch yesterday, the name of the restaurant printed across the top of the paper.
"The Bucket List…" she reads aloud.
"Huh?" Bellamy asks, opening one eye to look at her.
"Just the place we had lunch at yesterday," she tells him, pulling on her comfy pants before joining him on the bed again. "Have you thought any more about that?"
That gets him to open the other eye and give her a confused look. "About the place where we had lunch yesterday? Not really. I mean, their burger was great, but…"
"No, I mean… your bucket list," she clarifies, hating the way his face falls when he understands what she means. "Remember, we talked about it in Greece, when we saw that bungee place, and you said something about Australia being the place if you want to do bungee jumping. Well… now we're here."
He rolls away from her, sitting up on the edge of the bed with his back to her. "I thought you didn't want me to do any of those… bungee jumping, skydiving, adrenaline stuff?"
Clarke scoots across the bed so she can lean her chin on his shoulder. He doesn't pull away, but he's still tense, so she doesn't try to wrap her arms around him. "No, but I also don't want you to regret not doing something that you could have done later."
He snorts at that. "Not like there's that much later left, so don't worry about it."
"You know what I mean. I just… I want you to get to do everything you want."
"You know what I want?" Bellamy stands up so abruptly she almost falls forward, but she catches herself on the bed at the last moment. When she looks up at him, he's facing her again, hands balled into fists at his side, eyes hard. "I want to walk my sister down the aisle. I want to spoil my nieces or nephews. I want to… finish my stupid degree and find out if I would actually be a good teacher. I want to be Miller's best man when he and Jackson get married. Hell, I want to get married, and have kids, and grow old, and not die at fucking thirty-one. You want a bucket list? There's just one thing on it – to live. But I don't get to do that, so what's the point?"
She doesn't know how to respond to that, so for a long moment, they just stare at each other. Before she's figured out anything to say that wouldn't feel like a… platitude, he deflates before her eyes, sinking to his knees and burying his face against the bed.
Clarke shifts so she's sitting on the edge of the bed and gently nudges him until he realizes what she wants and moves so his head is in her lap instead, his arms around her waist. His breath is hot against her thighs and she can tell that he's crying, the tears soaking the material of her pants, but she just rubs his back with one hand and continues to scratch his scalp with the other, letting him get everything out.
She's been trying to prepare for this, after all.
She's not sure how much time passes, or when she starts crying herself, but eventually, Bellamy pulls back, not quite meeting her eyes.
"Sorry about that," he apologizes, voice a little hoarse.
"No," she almost snaps, wiping at her own eyes, and he flinches. "Look at me." She waits until he does before reaching out to cup his face in one hand. "Don't apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for, you hear me?"
He sniffles a little but nods. "I was honestly starting to think I just… wouldn't, you know?"
She does, of course, even though he doesn't specify what exactly it was that he thought he wouldn't. "Sorry about being the catalyst, or something."
He actually laughs at that, watery, but still. "No, I think I needed it, honestly. I haven't been in denial or anything, but… yeah, I needed this."
"Then good."
She pulls him onto the bed with her and nudges him until he curls around her. He leans his head on her chest and lets out a sigh.
"Thanks. For just… being here, I guess."
"Always."
They stay like that for another long, indeterminable moment. Clarke would almost think he falls asleep, if it hadn't been for the way his hand keeps trailing up and down her side and the occasional sniffle.
"You know…" she starts when she's finally worked up the courage. "I bet we could tick a couple of those things off the list."
Bellamy's quiet for so long she starts to wonder if he either didn't hear her or wants to just forget the whole thing altogether.
"How do you mean?" he finally asks, voice carefully neutral.
"Well, OK, so we can't actually tell Octavia and Lincoln to get married," she replies. "But they're planning on doing it eventually, right? And you've been thinking about asking her to come to New York when we get back. So we could maybe suggest that we want to help pay for their wedding if they want to have it there this summer."
"Huh." He pauses. "I guess that's an idea."
Clarke hurries to continue. "I know it might not work, but either way, I think you should at least ask her to come."
"Yeah," he agrees. "I've been sort of… trying to come up with a way to do that."
"Good. I don't know if that would work for Miller and Jackson too, what do you think?"
Like she hoped, it makes Bellamy chuckle. "No, I don't think they're quite there yet. But it's OK, you don't have to try to convince them or anything."
"Good, I'm not sure I'd be any good at it, to be honest. I can't really do anything about the school thing, unless you want me to, like, bribe them to give you your diploma. I totally would, but I don't really think you want that."
"No. But thanks for offering."
"Any time. And Octavia having kids, well, even if we could get them to start… thinking about it, those things take time."
"I know."
Clarke takes a deep breath, trying to figure out how to put what she's about to say. "And growing old…"
"No, I know," he cuts her off with a squeeze of her hand. "I was just… lashing out."
She doesn't let it derail her. "But we could maybe… do something about the kids part."
He goes completely still. "What kids part?"
"You know, there are… I don't know, sperm banks? Or you can freeze… we don't have a lot of time right now, and I obviously, you know, can't, but I could look into, like, surrogacy or something. If… if you wanted that."
Bellamy doesn't respond right away, instead pushes himself into a sitting position so he can look at her. She makes herself meet his eyes, even though she would rather look anywhere else.
"You'd do that?" he then asks, voice unreadable, eyes intense.
She shrugs, breaking eye contact to focus on a loose thread on her sweater. "If it's what you want. I actually… I thought about it, back when you told me about your ex, in college… it's never been a thing for me, Soul Keepers can't have kids, I get why, but I got so… jealous, I guess. That she got to have that part of you, even if it didn't… something I would never get. So I thought about it, but in the end, I… I'm still me, I still won't age, and I have to move every six or seven years, it's not exactly a good environment for a kid. And the whole not aging thing would mean I'd still be me, like this, when the kid grew up, which… I don't know how I could deal with that, if I could, but…" She forces her eyes back up to his. "If you want me to do that, I will, OK? Whatever you want to do, as long as it's, you know, biologically possible, I'll do."
The look in his eyes has softened while she's been talking, and now he shakes his head, a small smile on his face.
"That wasn't… it's not about biology or genetics or some… I don't know, some primal instinct to reproduce or anything," he tells her. "I just, I want to do everything you're supposed to do in life, you know? But I want to do it all with you. So just…"
Clarke nods, doesn't need him to finish the sentence. "I get it. But you could still run the New York wedding thing by Octavia, right?"
"I might, yeah," he agrees with a chuckle. "At least throw some feelers out, see how she reacts."
"Good."
He moves against the headboard, pulling her in against him this time, and she comes willingly, leaning her head against his chest.
"Thank you, though," he says after a moment. "Just knowing that you would even consider that, with… everything, it means a lot."
"Of course."
She doesn't know why she doesn't mention the two of them getting married. It was one of the things on his list, after all, and they could, if they wanted. If he wanted.
But he didn't bring it up either, so she tries to push the thought away.
Even if they did get married, she'd be a widow in two months anyway.
She's not sure it would be harder than just losing him as her boyfriend, but it can't possibly be easier.
-100-
They end up finding a pizza place that delivers to the hotel, and after they've eaten, they're both basically sleeping sitting up, so they call it a night even though it's not that late.
By some miracle, when the alarm goes off at six thirty the next day, Clarke actually feels rested. Bellamy fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, a combination of crying and being emotionally drained, she supposes, and she wasn't far behind, so they have gotten a full nights' sleep, but still.
In a way, she almost expects something to have changed between them, but of course nothing has. There's no awkwardness, no moment of avoiding each other's eyes, trying to figure out how to interact after both of them poured their hearts out last night. Bellamy just rolls over after turning the alarm off, pulling her close and kissing her, long and slow.
"Morning," he says when he finally pulls back.
"Morning," she replies with a smile.
"Looking forward to a day in the wilderness?"
"I am, yeah." She pauses, searching his face. "You? Feeling… OK?"
He doesn't try to brush it off, thinks it over for a moment. "I think so, yeah. Like I said, it was good to get everything out."
"Good. And you'll talk to Octavia about New York and maybe about the getting married thing?"
"I will," he promises. "But I don't want to do it over text, so I'm waiting until our Skype session on Saturday."
"It'll be a real virtual family reunion on Saturday then, with your Skype plans," Clarke notes with a smile.
He shrugs. "It was O that suggested Saturday, but I figured it would be best to get all calls… not over with, but done at the same time. New Zealand's going to be pretty busy, after all."
"It is," she agrees, rolling onto her back and stretching. "OK, time to get up, we should probably get some breakfast to eat on the way there, it's like a two hour drive."
"And here I was just about to suggest having some fun before getting up," Bellamy replies, though his voice is teasing.
She reaches out blindly to pat him and hits his forehead. "Tonight, promise."
The drive isn't too bad – they grab some bagels and coffee to go and eat that on the way, and bond with a young Japanese couple who are on their honeymoon and so cute together that Clarke has to look away now and then. She and Bellamy exchange looks whenever the couple does something particularly cavity inducing, but they're fun to talk to.
The hike itself is amazing, of course – stunning scenery with the mountains, lush rain forest, and the breathtaking Katoomba Falls.
"This was a really good idea," Clarke tells Bellamy when they're on the trail back to their bus. "I'm glad we did it."
They're lagging a little behind, their group still in view some twenty yards ahead but nobody in hearing distance. He interlaces their fingers and squeezes her hand. "Me too, this place was… amazing doesn't really cover it, but it's all I've got."
She chuckles a little. "I know what you mean."
The rest of their group is waiting at a restaurant close to where they were dropped off earlier, and they all file into the place for an early lunch before heading back to Sydney. Both of them doze a little on the drive, and opt for a short afternoon nap before getting ready for their dinner at the Sydney Tower.
Since they wanted to catch the sunset from the tower, and the sunset is as early as five at this time of year, she made the reservation for five thirty, giving them a little time to check out the tower beforehand.
"I guess it's not exactly the Burj Khalifa," Clarke notes when they're making their way around the perimeter of the observation deck.
"You can't really compare them," Bellamy replies with a shrug. "I mean, sure, we're not as high up here, but the view is completely different." He stops in front of one of the high windows. The park and cathedral are far below them, the natural harbor in front of them with the sea in the distance.
"Yeah, I guess you have a point," she agrees, leaning against the window. "It is beautiful."
"Yeah. That's where we were yesterday, right?" he asks after a moment, pointing to a green peninsula sticking out into the water on the other side of the bay. "The zoo?"
She does a quick survey of the area and comes to the conclusion that he's right. "Yeah, that's it. And our hotel should be… somewhere over there. Come on, let's check out the rest of the view before the sun sets."
It's mostly city views for half of the turn or so, the Pacific gleaming in the distance. Once they get to the west side, with the Opera house peaking up between buildings and the Harbour Bridge stretching across the water, the sun is already sinking towards the horizon.
"Good spot?" Bellamy asks when she pauses to watch it.
"Yeah," she agrees with a nod, and feels him step closer behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and leaning his chin against her shoulder.
Just as when they watched the sunset at the Burj Khalifa, a sort of calm settles over the observation deck during the last few minutes before the sun finally dips below the horizon, everyone enjoying the natural spectacle behind the glass panes.
When the people around them start moving, talking and laughing again, Clarke shakes herself mentally. "Dinner?"
Bellamy's arms tighten around her briefly and he nuzzles her hair a little before letting her go. "Lead the way."
They both end up eating way too much at the buffet – there's just so many things that look absolutely delicious. They obviously have to try the kangaroo, even if it feels strange considering they just saw some at the zoo yesterday, and then there's an amazing selection of sushi, a bunch of different salads, mouthwatering garlic bread, emu chipolatas, and absolutely amazing truffle mac and cheese.
"I can't remember the last time I ate this much," Bellamy admits when they've both cleaned off their plates. "I mean, Christmas has nothing on this."
Clarke leans back in her chair and sends out some gratitude to whatever power convinced her to dress up a little in one of her dresses, which is in a very forgiving elastic material, instead of pants. "I hear you," she agrees. "I don't think I can get a single bite more down."
He gives her a calculating look. "So no dessert? I'm pretty sure I saw some sort of chocolate cake…"
She lets out a groan. "OK, I know I've said that there's always room for chocolate, and I still stand by that, but this might be one of the exceptions that proves the rule."
Still, they have forty minutes left of their reservation, and in the end, they do manage to at least taste a couple of the desserts that look particularly delicious.
"I guess we did get a lot of exercise today already," Bellamy muses when they finally leave the tower. "But I still feel like we should walk back to the hotel to burn some of those calories."
It's fully dark now, the city lights having come alive while they were enjoying their dinner, which makes it feel much later than just a little after seven. Still, it's a nice night for a walk.
"You know…" Clarke starts, sliding her hand into his and pulling him along in the right direction. "There are other ways to burn calories."
He chuckles a little. "Is that your way of saying you want to get a cab?"
"No, we can still walk. Just… something to think about on the way."
Judging by the way he pushes her up against the door to their hotel room the moment it closes behind them, he definitely does think about it.
-100-
In the heat of the moment, they forget to pack – not that they've unpacked all that much in the few days they've been here, but still – so it's a bit chaotic when the alarm goes off at seven the next morning. They still manage to not miss the cab picking them up half an hour later, but it's cutting it close. Luckily, they've already checked into their flight to Auckland, so all they have to do once they get to the airport is drop their bags and get through security, and then they can relax and grab a quick breakfast.
"So, Australia – rating from one to ten?" Clarke asks when they're seated at a typical overpriced airport café, sipping their large coffees.
Bellamy thinks about it for a moment. "Probably an eight, but we did only see Sydney."
"Did you want to do something else?"
He shrugs. "Not really, but it feels sort of like… whenever people talk about Australia, it's usually Sydney, with the Opera House and Harbour Bridge and Bondi Beach, which we did, and then Uluru and the Great Barrier Reef." She's about to say something but he continues before she has a chance. "Which I could have put on the list if I wanted to go there, so don't worry about it. I'm not really into the whole diving thing, to be honest. Snorkeling's fine, but I don't like going too deep under the surface. Not to mention that we'd have to get certified. And sure, Uluru would have been cool to see but… there are a lot of cool places we're not doing, if we were going to every single one in the entire world, that would be… years, I'm pretty sure."
She wants to say that they could have taken a couple of days to do Alice Springs and Uluru, but bites it back. "OK. Then I won't tell you that we could have done Uluru if you wanted to and just… I'm glad you liked it, I've been to a couple of different cities and Sydney is definitely my favorite."
"To be honest, I've been kind of looking forward to the Lord of the Rings tours since we left Manila," he admits with a sheepish smile, and she can't hold back a laugh.
"Good thing they're coming up then."
The flight to Auckland is only three hours, but with the two hour time difference, it's four thirty by the time they make it to their hotel near the harbor. They only do have one day here, though, so despite the sun being on its way down, they just get changed – it's cooler here than it was in Sydney, but still not as cold as Clarke had thought it would be – and head out to explore the city.
Their hotel is on the corner of one of the main streets of the city, so they set off along it, soon swallowed up by the throngs of tourists and Aucklanders alike, out to enjoy what she quickly realizes is a Friday night.
"You know," she starts when the thought strikes her. "I'm starting to lose track of the days a little. Not the dates, I've got those, since we have flights and stuff, but the day of the week. I didn't realize it was Friday until just now."
Bellamy chuckles next to her. "So what you're saying is that we need to make the weekends more special?"
"It was really just an observation. Now that you mention it, though, the partying has been pretty lacking lately."
In all honesty, they haven't really gone out with the express intent to party since they visited Octavia in Dublin, even if there has been the occasional night out since then, and, not to forget, the big farewell party before they left the Philippines. Not that Clarke minds – she'd take a quiet night in with Netflix over a pub crawl any day, but still.
"So you want to go out dancing or something?"
The reluctance is so apparent in his voice that she can't hold back a laugh. "You obviously do. Seriously, it was just an observation. I don't mind quiet nights, you know that. Plus, I'm driving tomorrow, so no drinking for me tonight. At least not more than a beer or two."
"Phew. So, stroll around a little, check out whatever there is to check out, find a nice place for dinner and then call it an early night?"
She squeezes his hand. "Early to bed, at least."