I can't breathe.
I can't feel.
Where am I?
What's going on?
Why's everything going dark?
I can't...I can't...
"Miss Hart. The bell rung, you are dismissed" Ms. Bridges spoke.
Maya, cut from her thoughts, gets up and leaves the classroom without responding. It's lunch already? She thinks to herself. She decides to skip again this week, not really caring that she's been doing this since then. To keep herself from remembering it all, she shakes her head withdrawing the thoughts from her mind as she makes a turn in the other direction heading to the art room.
"You do know that the cafeteria is actually that way, right?" A voice speaks from behind her.What such great timing, she inwardly groaned
Maya stops walking. Of course he has to find me. He's fucking everywhere! She doesn't turn around to look at the Texan.
"Yes I am fully aware, Lucas-"
His face falters at hearing his actual name instead of a teasing nickname. She hasn't called him Huckleberry or Sundance for so long it's basically become immune to her, forbidden, in a way. He has no idea what made her stop so suddenly.
"-I'm just... Taking a detour," she shrugged.
"A detour... To the art room? Maya, you've been cutting lunch countless times and we're really starting to get worried. Why are you trying to distance yourself from the gro-"
"I'm not trying to distance myself." She snapped back. "I just- I need some time by myself."
She really doesn't want to talk right now and Lucas was the last person she even wanted to interact with in the first place. Every time she sees him. It just reminds her of what happened.
"Time by yourself?" He questioned incredulously. She couldn't see his face but she knew he was looking at her ridiculously and was most definitely worried for her.
"Don't you think you had enough time by yourself, Maya! It's been... not even two months and none of us have seen you eat, starving yourself isn't good, Maya. You look more pale and skinny that's not healthy at all."
Her hands balled up into a fist. He doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't have a right to judge how she looks. She inhaled and exhaled. She wasn't someone that was quick to anger but what does he know. She turned around and took a few steps to stand face to face to him. She jabbed her finger to his chest harshly.
"Its not my fault. I can't sleep. I can't eat. It's hard when-" She chokes on her words and her eyes start to sting. "W-when all I get are flashbacks of..."
"Flashbacks of what Maya?" he asks warily when she said no more.
She never liked breaking down in public, let alone in front of Lucas. She breathes heavily. Taking in Lucas' expression from the sudden turn of events, she rushes towards the door of the art room, needing to calm down.
"Just drop it. Don't follow me, Lucas. Tell Riley I have to talk with a teacher or something." She waved off before she opens the door and shuts it behind her.
Lucas doesn't push but whatever just happened there left him rattling with questions. This is not the Maya he knows. Certainly not the Maya he's used to. What happened to the fire? Where's the banter? Something's different and he'd be a fool not to notice it too.What's going on with Maya? He thought.
He stared at the door of the room she went in, wondering if he should go in there too. Sometimes people want to be chased after, other times they preferred to be left alone. It seems he couldn't tell with Maya anymore. He sighed and decided to just let her be before he headed towards the cafeteria.
Maya let her tears fall as soon as she entered the room. Crying made her feel weak, feel vulnerable but she was getting headache from just holding everything in. Usually she would paint but flashbacks from earlier barricaded her mind and she felt herself go into panic. Her breathing started to pace faster and she was losing a sense of the world. To calm down she stopped, Closed her eyes and took deep breaths.
Breathe.
She remembered.
Breathe.
Sliding down the door she gets into a fetus position. She let herself bathe in silence for a while. Tears stained her face while her heart beating through her chest slowed down. She waits a little more before getting back up and grabbing a paint brush. She walked to an empty canvas as the room was filled with them.
She didn't think. She didn't need to, nor did she want to. Her hand danced around the canvas as she let her mind wander freely.
She hadn't realize how long it been until the bell suddenly rang. Nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard it. Maya looked at her painting.
Damn. Again?, She chuckled. All she knew how to paint now was anything conveying tragedy or deep despair. This time it was a girl holding a flower that was losing its petals. She was clutching it to her chest, crying.
She wiped a tear she didn't realize was falling through, putting away the supplies and painted canvas in her closet of the art room. Mrs. Violet had an extra room that was pretty spacious, so she had given it to Maya to put all her personal artwork that she did during lunch. She'd added a desk for homework and a beanbag chair just to relax. If she wanted to, she'd sleep in there too sometimes. Maya was more than elated to have a private room for herself. She didn't want anyone finding her art during their classes and to ensure this, she was also given a key.
Maya left the art room and headed to her next class. Compared to her old usual self, she's more quiet in class. Often zoning out, thinking about what's happened or she's doodling somewhere in her notes.
People still refer to her as the apparent "badass" in their grade. It's not even like she's that intimidating, she's fucking short for godsakes. Maya couldn't care for labels if she were to be honest but carrying herself with pride and confidence gained her such a title. It doesn't do her much good anymore as she feels less of a badass.
She may not care about labels but let it be known.
she hates hers.