For princesstiva as part of the NCISLA fic exchange on tumblr.
[Season 7: Internal Affairs/Cancel Christmas - episode quotes in italics]
Deeks was still sitting on the stairs at the mission when his phone starting ringing. Kensi's smile appeared on his screen. He sent the call to voicemail at great risk of her ire, but Hetty's words were still swirling in his head. "But I have always found that secrets are much easier to keep, when you have NO ONE to share them with." 'No one', Deeks thought. For so long, he had no one, except for his Mom and even then, she knew nothing about what happened with Boyle. He tried telling Kensi when they were on stakeout at the Russian spa. He told her of their contemptuous relationship, how Boyle put his gun in his mouth when Deeks questioned his "interrogation" techniques.
It wasn't until he was behind bars, looking at his partner who had found out about about Tiffany, that he again tried to tell her. "You need to understand that this might not be going away." "Quit being a drama queen" was her response. He could see she was trying to piece things together. Deeks assured her that Tiffany did not kill anybody, he told her he was probably going to county jail very soon. Instead of a conversation, all he got was the back of her head as she rushed out. His frustration was growing. Kensi was out there without his protection. Tiffany has been found, who would protect her? It was the reason he became a cop, to protect and serve. That was who Marty Deeks is – a protector. He protected his Mom from his Dad, he protected Tiffany from Boyle and now he protects Kensi on a daily basis. And protecting Kensi was more than his job, it was his reason for living. She was his reason for living. She was his heart, his soul – everything! What will she think when she finds out the truth behind the investigation?
His phone rings again, "Baby, I'm sorry, I am on my way." Kensi, just says "OK". She knows he is exhausted but she just wants him close to her. The past few days have been awful not knowing what was going to happen with the investigation. And even though Steadman had been taken into custody, Kensi still felt that there was more to what happened. More to Deeks relationship with Tiffany. Not that there was a "relationship" with Tiffany, but that he was hiding something. Deeks always felt he had to protect Kensi. And maybe early on in their partnership there were reasons not to share. She was not the best partner from day one. She did everything she could to push him away. But in the end, she realized she needed him as much as he needed her. Now, she needed to remind him that he could trust her, with everything. "All in" meant just that. And she needed to keep calm and wait for him to tell her. Sam was so right, "more being, less doing". Ever since that chat in the armory, her perspective has been clearer and her relationship with Deeks has been calmer. Not even Talia being around had upset her. Meeting his Mom was a little insane but she cares about his mom and knows that Roberta likes her too. Trusts her with Marty's heart. Together they will get him through this.
After drinks with the team, Kensi and Deeks head back to his house. Monty was very happy to see them. All Deeks wanted to do was crash in his bed with his girlfriend tucked in beside him. His Mom was already asleep upstairs in the guest room. Marty paced from the living room to the kitchen, not looking for anything, just pacing. Kensi stepped in front of him to get him to stop. "Look, whatever is running around in that head of yours, let it go for tonight." Kensi slipped her arms around him, trying to calm him. "Just come to bed, please."
It was early the next morning, Roberta started down the steps, pausing, listening to the quiet. She sighed in relief. The night had been anything but quiet, as she heard Marty having one of his nightmares. Roberta remembered all too well, the terrors he experienced. The guilt still haunts her. She should have tried harder to protect him. Seeing him in that jail cell hurt her, Marty did not deserve this. What he did deserve, was Kensi. Kensi had an inner strength she wished she had. She thought back to the first time she met her. Kensi was so scared, Marty was beaming and Roberta marveled at the two of them. Once Kensi relaxed, the fun started. Marty poked Kensi, she poked him right back. There was an ease about them and love. So much love. That's what made her happiest, to see them love each other. They were not headed down the same path her and Gordon traveled. These two were going to be happy and if all goes well, it won't just be the two of them.
Kensi stirred awake, 'coffee?' she thought she smelled. She looked at Deeks still asleep, finally. It had been a rough night. Several times Kensi had to wake him from the terrors going on in his mind. Each time, he had this haunted look in his eyes. She didn't push him, all she wanted was for him to calm down and he would melt into her arms. Fortunately, around 3 he finally fell asleep and stayed that way. Kensi quietly slipped out of bed, threw on a pair of yoga pants and tee shirt and headed downstairs.
"Morning", Roberta greeted her from the kitchen. "I would ask how you slept, but I heard. Is he ok?" Kensi nodded, still stretching and reached for an empty mug. "He finally fell asleep around 3", she answered. "Sorry you had to hear it." Roberta quickly answered, "I am part of the reason he has those nightmares, you have nothing to apologize for. If anything I should be apologizing to you! I will never be able to make things up to him." Robert's eyes started to fill. Kensi went to her, put her arms around her and tried to reassure her.
"Marty is not interested in that. He loves you, wants the best for you." Kensi said, hoping it would help. "You have both of us now. And he is home and we'll get him through this, together." Roberta returned the hug and went about finishing breakfast. She and Kensi chatted about the upcoming Christmas holidays. They were soon joined by a very sleepy, detective. "What am I missing?" Deeks asked as he yawned and stretched. He made his way over to the counter where Kensi was sitting, drinking her coffee. He kissed the top of her head and then went around and did the same to his Mom.
"We were just talking about the holidays" was her answer. Deeks wasn't sure if he believed them but he was not going to question it. He was just happy that his two favorite ladies were getting along. "You never told me why you were heading home? You know you can stay here until after holidays." Marty had meant to ask when he saw her return ticket. Roberta had given him a vague answer but then all hell broke loose and it was forgotten. "I promised some friends we would get together and you two need some time alone after everything…." her voice dropped off. She was still dealing with seeing her son in a jail cell. Marty went to his mom and pulled her into a tight embrace. "It's all good Mama, I'm here and we're together, all 3 of us." He looked at Kensi and gave her a sweet smile. He realized what he had to do.
Kensi and Deeks dropped his mom at the airport and then went into work. Deeks was greeted with a pile of overdue paperwork. As he and Kensi chatted about holiday plans, they were joined by Sam and Callen. The 4 team members looked at each other and the silence became deafening. Deeks finally broke the silence. "Hey" was all he could muster. Kensi looked first to Sam and then Callen. Sam put down his bag, crossed in front of his desk to Deeks, reaching out his hand. Deeks slowly offered his back and was then pulled out of his chair into a hug. "I am glad you are here. I am sorry what you went through. But, you could have come to me, us, for help." Sam looked Deeks in the eye. He knows Deeks doesn't really trust anyone except his partner, and that saddened him. Deeks appreciated the gesture. "Sam, I couldn't risk NCIS, especially my partner, becoming involved. I don't know if I could have done anything differently. I'm sorry to have let you all down."
Callen remained silent. Deeks noticed as did Kensi and Sam. Callen suspects there is more to this and also knows that he is the last person Deeks will share anything with so for now he waits. The team sets about doing their paperwork. Deeks seemed more engrossed than normal. So much so he was surprised by the enthusiastic hug over the back of his shoulders. "Shaggy! I missed you!" Nell practically strangled him. "Hey Velma, thanks for your help, I appreciate it, more than you know." He was very grateful to the Wonder Twins. When they quietly came to him offering their help, he accepted. He knew they risked a lot keeping things from Kensi. But when he explained things to her, the need to keep his circle tight, she relented and agreed that it was for the best. How could she stay mad at her best friend for helping the man she loves. Nell was Deeks good friend too and would do anything for him. Kensi had called Nell to let her know that she was grateful and not upset.
The mission was starting to take on the holiday vibe. Lights had been strung throughout the railings, the palm tree that Sam and Callen had brought in several years ago was up and decorated. And if you listened carefully, Christmas music was coming from the armory. Armory? Nell and Eric once again volunteered for Toys for Tots and were working on a dance routine when they are dressed as toy soldiers. Meanwhile in the bullpen, Kensi was pacing as she talked on her cell phone and Deeks was has having an animated conversation on his desk phone. Apparently both moms want to cook Christmas dinner, neither is budging. Deeks suggested eloping. After Kensi calmed down, and her partner backpedaled - sort of - they were given a reprieve in decision making, courtesy of Eric announcing a case complete with jingle bells.
Kensi and Deeks were sent to Montrose to investigate the last steps of a Korean spy that was killed. Kensi went into a shop while Deeks questioned the very pretty young lady dressed in a scanty Mrs. Clause outfit. Deeks had just placed a donation in the red kettle as his partner came out and proceeded to bust him for being a perv. Acting hurt, but not really, Deeks tried to talk his way out of his predicament by trying to compliment Kensi saying how great she would look in the outfit. Epic fail! She accused him of being sexist. Deeks then offered to role reverse and wear the sexy lingerie which then gave his partner an idea. "Maybe a sexy Mr. Clause?" Deeks stumbled but recovered quick enough to assure his girlfriend he could make that happen. "Tie you up with a bow, unwrap you like a present. Oh girl!"
The case was a lot of starting and stopping and stakeouts and maybe almost getting blown up. Deeks was trying to keep things light and asked his partner what she wanted for Christmas. A baby tiger was not quite the answer he was expecting nor when she shouted "NCIS Bitches!" But he appreciated her good mood even if it was a tad crazy. Kensi turned the tables on her boyfriend as they sat watching the toy store hoping for a lead. "What would you want for Christmas if you could have anything?" Deeks thought for a second.
"That's easy. Forgiveness."
"Forgiveness for what?"
"For not telling you something I should have told you a long time ago. And I fully recognize this as the most bizarre of circumstances and the weirdest timing to have this conversation."
"What conversation exactly?"
Deeks then proceeded to remove his earwig and turn it off. Kensi mimicked her partner's actions. She was getting a feeling that her world was about to be rocked and righted at the same time. She also knew she had to be patient and let Deeks say whatever he needed to say. And taking a small breath, he started.
"The whole Internal Affairs investigation, I was trying to protect you, and trying to protect NCIS because John Quinn did not kill Boyle, I did and I did to protect Tiffany." Deeks looked at Kensi. He held his breath waiting for her reaction, response, anything. Kensi for her part, finally let out the breath she was holding. She gathered her thoughts, remembering 'more being, less doing'. Remembering how much she loves this man. She is dumbfounded and grateful that he is actually talking to her about this. She lifts her head, looks over to those blue eyes that are her home. "I know."
Deeks was stunned. "What do you mean you know? No you don't." He was then reminded that his partner is a savvy investigator herself. "I didn't know, but figured it out." "Then why didn't you say anything?" He was part relieved, part ashamed, part panicked. Kensi just shrugged, "I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready to." "I'm sorry" in barely a whisper from her partner. Kensi assured him, "It's okay. Just no more secrets, okay?." Deeks' eyes, a combination of relief, gratitude and tears, promised her, "No more secrets." "Do you have any idea how much I love you right now?"
Kensi looked at her partner, her boyfriend, her everything and decided he needed a break from this heaviness. "No. But I'm hoping it will be reflected in my Christmas gift." She winked at him, because she knows how, he still doesn't. But there is a skill he is very good at and Deeks knows it. "I need to kiss you." Staring deep into her eyes. "You can't kiss me right now. We're on the job." Oh, game on! "Yeah but it's Christmas and these are special circumstances." Kensi not biting, "I understand, but we have to keep our eyes on the shop." Her stubborn partner not relenting, "We don't even know what we are looking for. Forget the shop. I need to kiss you."
Kensi tried to fake frustration and failed. "Fine, I'll do it." And with that, while she kept an eye on the shop, she leaned over and gave her partner a QUICK kiss on the lips. It was so fast, her partner could barely pucker up! "That's not a kiss. That doesn't count as a kiss. That's like a fourth of a kiss. A fraction of kiss." What's a guy gotta do to get a kiss, at Christmas, no less? "Well then you'll get the other fraction at home." Promised his girlfriend with a sly smile. A promise, Deeks had every intention of collecting.
The team finally gets the break they need and capture the spies and save Christmas. And Sam saves the junior partners by inviting them and their moms to his house for Christmas dinner. It was a very nice evening at the Hanna's. The Moms and Michelle got along and were seen plotting how to get the couple to the next phase and hopefully onto grandchildren. Deeks and Kensi just resigned themselves to their fate and let them have their fun. It was Christmas after all.
Julia invited Roberta to spend a few days with her to give Kensi and Deeks some alone time. She saw how tired they both looked and thought they could use the break. As they lay in bed, the moonlight cast a shadow across them. Deeks held Kensi tight, grateful for her gift of forgiveness. "I hear the wheels turning, what are you thinking about?" She asked him. "I don't think I am. I just finally have quiet and you and nothing hanging over my head anymore. I am trying to stop thinking actually." Kensi just let him go on, knowing he needed to let things go. She knows that there may be more to follow, but at least they were together. In his arms is where she always wants to end her day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. She turned to face him, caressed his cheek. Kensi leaned in, gave him a slow, sweet, kiss.
"Goodnight Deeks, Merry Christmas, I love you."