um...happy new year? wow.

i fully intended to upload this chapter during the new year week, but my grandmother became really sick - turned out she had dementia - and i was too busy taking care of her and explaining everything to the rest of my family that i couldn't get around to writing it. and then two weeks ago, her suffering ended and she passed away, so then there was the funeral and all of that. after that, i was just too sad to even focus on anything but grieving and getting used to the absence of my grandmother in the house.

i'll be honest - i'm still not used to it; i am still sad. and it was pretty difficult to come up with this chapter, but i figured that life goes on, and i have to move on. so maybe this chapter may not be as up to par as you might expect, i tried my best. i can't promise when i'll post next, but i promise you i won't abandon this fic.

now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

Clarke was striding through the emergency room doors and staring down at her phone with her lower lip caught on her teeth as she debated whether it was too soon or too late to say something. She decided that it was a debate that could wait for a little while longer when she reached the nurses' station, prepared to see what the latest reports had for her regarding her patients, only to be confronted right in the face with a colorful bouquet.

Her hand that had been holding the phone was tucked into her back pocket, suddenly frozen, as she reached out with the other one to finger the petals of a purple orchid amongst the many flowers. In the midst of considering a pale white hyacinth, one of her best friends sidled up to her right, tapping a tablet stylus to her lips as she made a humming noise.

"Wow, I can't believe she managed to piss you off already. That's some record," Raven commented, leaning in closer as if it would help her see gigantic bouquet better.

"She didn't –" Clarke narrowed her eyes and glared at the other woman momentarily.

Then she snatched the card that she had only just noticed before Raven could get her claws on it. She gave Raven another warning glare, obviously telling her to back off, before opening it.

Dear Clarke,

I don't know how else to apologize for my behavior last night except for the best apology bouquet that the best florist in the city can assemble. Please understand my sincere regret over what happened last night.

Wishing you well,
Lexa

No 'may we meet again', or anything that indicated a potential future for whatever it was burgeoning between them. Clarke reread those words in an attempt to find an indication – whatever – that could give her some hope.

All she saw was a deep found apology and an end note.

It was only when a tanned hand slipped into her vision to get ahold of the card and fail to tug it off her grasp that Clarke realized how hard she was holding onto the card – the scented card that smelled like Lexa's cologne and lavender – so much so that the perfect sides were permanently crinkled.

Allowing her best friend to take the card, Clarke stared at the bouquet again, deciding that she hated it if this was the beginning of the end – or maybe the end of the end. She huffed, finding herself irrationally pissed off at a goddamn bouquet that was meant with the best of hearts – then she realized that maybe it wasn't the bouquet that she was pissed at.

"What happened last night?" Raven's inquisitive voice penetrated her muddled brain.

Brushing her hand over her face and then tugging the digits through her hair roughly, she released a frustrated groan, stomped her feet, snagged the bouquet and the card, and stormed out of the emergency room. She needed more time to think before she could grace existing and incoming patients with her decidedly unfair temperament today.

"'Wishing you well?'"

"Clarke, I –"

"I don't need you to wish me well. I'm doing really damn well, thank you very much!" she trampled on as she paced in circles on the stairwell landing, not really caring if her voice would carry outside to passersby.

When Clarke had seen on the television hanging on the wall in the waiting area that Lexa had landed in Sangeda, she didn't even hesitate. The patients could wait, the interns could look for another attending; she just needed to expel her anger at the right person before she truly exploded – she was well aware that it was unprofessional behavior, but better to let it all out than to subject innocents to her explosive nature, right?

She rushed through the door to the staircase and dialed the latest number in her phone, allowing the thought of the bouquet carefully stashed in her locker – they were beautiful, after all – to fuel her anger once again. It didn't take long for the call to be picked up, and she didn't allow the woman on the other end of the line to say a word, even if she was the princess.

"'Wishing you well' makes it sound like you don't expect to see me again."

She waited for it: the clever retort verging on flirtation that Lexa seemed to be so well versed at. Only something like that would be able to help in alleviating the lingering concerns she had for the princess, but she couldn't directly voice her concerns and allow the brunette to think that she wasn't angry anymore, because she very much was.

Except nothing like that came. The line was quiet and Clarke would have thought that all sounds have been sucked into vacuum if it weren't for the echoes of her sneakers squeaking on the floor and her harsh breathing. And at that, the blonde found herself increasingly irrationally angry and her grip over her phone tightened all the more. So much that it was considered lucky that the device hadn't just crushed.

"Wow."

Lexa sighed and Clarke heard her mutter something or other to someone else before she said, "I just didn't think you'd want to –"

"What?" Clarke cut her off. "Be around you after I watched you have a panic attack in the middle of the night at my favorite park?"

The princess was quiet momentarily. "Yeah." It came out meek and resigned, so unlike the confident Lexa that Clarke had gotten used to despite their short acquaintanceship.

That single syllable, unbefitting of the tough princess often portrayed through the media and totally expected from an honorably discharged soldier, soft and scared, was enough to break Clarke's composure. Enough for the layers of anger to dissolve into ash.

She leaned against the railing of the stairs and looked down at her worn sneakers, noticing the cracks in the soles and the dirt gathering on the laces, hoping that Lexa wasn't in Sangeda right now. Only so Clarke could look her in the face when she said this.

"Lexa, you had a panic attack," she said as gently as possible, knowing full well that Lexa wouldn't really be able to understand what she was trying to say without looking at her.

"I know I had a panic attack."

Clarke closed her eyes at the way Lexa's tone took a turn for the worse, more closed off and defensive, as if Clarke had just accused her of some crime. Her years of dealing with similar situations – patients and soldier friends she had made when she was at the hospital – taught her to wait it out.

Give it time. However much time they needed. These things were not meant to be rushed, and Clarke found herself caring for Lexa a little too much that she was less willing to risk it.

As a matter of fact, she was already feeling guilty for yelling at Lexa earlier. Because it was irrational and Lexa didn't deserve it. After all, Clarke had been the one to push the princess to go home without really offering any reassurance for their friendship.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you," she shifted, figuring that Lexa needed it.

"No, you were right to yell at me."

"No, I wasn't."

"Clarke –"

"Look, it's not my first time, okay? What happened was not my first time."

All Lexa had to offer was a long pause. So long that Clarke kind of thought that the woman had hung up and she had to take a look at the screen to make sure that they were still connected.

So maybe Lexa was really that scared. Clarke had only known the woman to be funny, humorous, flirty, and bold; nothing like this. Briefly, as she gathered her thoughts and figured the next best move so as not to scare way the woman any more than she already was, she wondered who else had gotten to see the princess so vulnerable.

She had also never expected for the ball to be in her court most of the time when she had befriended the princess in the first place. And this, she totally blamed the media for. Wrongful portrayal and all that. Then again, she could also blame Lexa for always putting on a tough front for the camera and giving the people a false illusion.

"You can't scare me away that easily, okay?" When Lexa still hadn't said a word, Clarke persisted, "Okay, Lexa?"

The brunette's sigh was indication enough that Clarke had won this round. "Okay."

"Look, I don't think it's very convenient for us to talk about this over the phone."

"You called me," Lexa sassed back.

Clarke rolled her eyes. The princess just couldn't resist, could she? "Yeah, because you 'wished me well'."

Lexa snorted and Clarke warmed over, glad that at least Lexa was relieved enough for now to let down her guard. It was all she could ask for with this limited connection between them.

"I was being polite," the brunette argued.

While a retort was already hanging on her tongue, real world decided to interfere by vibrating her pager hanging onto her pants, reminding her of its presence so she could snap out of the trance she always found herself in whenever Lexa was in the picture. She grumbled gibberish to herself as she took a look at the device.

"I have to go," she sighed, pinning the pager back to her pants again and making her way out of the emergency exit to the corridor in the peds department. "Make me proud with whatever you're doing in Sangeda. And remember, you can't scare me away that easily," she reminded the other woman as she stood by the elevator and waited for one to reach her floor.

"Yes, ma'am."

"We'll talk when you come back."

"Okay."

Even over the phone, Clarke could hear the smile tugging on Lexa's lip as she agreed to Clarke's practical demand. When they finally hung up and Clarke was confronted with a woman impaled with a kitchen knife in her abdomen in the ER, she had to fight the grin from making an appearance on her face and offending the victim.

She had just dismissed a herd of interns following her after tending to a patient when she saw the person entering the lobby. If this was a cartoon and shoes could make those screeching noises when they abruptly stopped, Clarke was certain that hers would have stopped movement in the entire floor. Thankfully enough, her sneakers were nice today and only managed a small squeak as she made an abrupt turnaround and hid behind a wall.

Peeking her head around the corner, she watched Abby Griffin locate the directory easily and browsing it, though Clarke would bet a kidney on the only two possibilities that her mother would be looking for in that directory. Wary eyes tracked the Griffin matriarch from the directory to the elevators and into a car.

She whipped her phone out as soon as the doors slid closed and called Raven, only to be left at dial tone. Stupid Raven. What could be more important than her best friend panicking about her mother's appearance in the hospital she deliberately chose to work in to avoid said woman? When another call left her the dial tone again, she made a vow to put Raven on friendship probation before calling the next best person.

"You're lucky Sydney just left," Octavia said in lieu of a proper greeting, not that Clarke was in mood for one anyway.

"My mother's here."

Octavia gave a pause, which was appropriate, in Clarke's opinion. "Your mother like the one Raven has a crush on?"

"Do not say it like that!" Clarke hissed, squeezing her eyes shut at the horrible reminder.

"Oh please, chill out. It's just a crush. Besides, she and my brother are too busy doing the whole skinny love thing to even care about other people," Octavia added a little grumpily, as she had been since she found out about that time Raven and Bellamy had sex in college.

"That's not important right now."

"You're right. What is important is whether Raven knows your mother is here. Maybe she can stop pining after my brother and shift her attention full time."

Clarke released a groan, one loud and frustrated enough to give a passing pregnant lady pause. The doctor offered a placating smile before restoring the glare she had towards the person she was talking to. "You're not being very helpful."

"I honestly don't know how helpful I can be. Abby Griffin scares the shit out of me."

Stomping a foot on the floor before getting away from the wall – the danger had moved to higher floors on the premises so there was no need to hide anymore – Clarke headed towards the coffee cart and gestured at Joseph to prepare her regular order. Caffeine was definitely necessary if her mother was in the same building as her, even though they didn't speak to each other.

If she could help it, they wouldn't have to speak to each other for another week. And then her mother would probably show up at her apartment and demand they have brunch together. It was like clockwork now.

"Do you know why she's here?" Clarke asked.

"Uh, not really. I mean, I don't talk to your mother, because, like I said, Abby Griffin scares the shit out of –"

"What?" Clarke squinted as she handed over the cash to Joseph and accepted the piping hot cup of espresso with a grateful grimace. Octavia didn't respond. Either Sydney was there or Octavia was dead. "What is it, O?"

"Um," Octavia trailed off; Clarke could practically hear her fingers creating a random rhythm on the hardwood material of the desk. "I think Raven…"

"What about Raven, Octavia?" Oh god, maybe Raven actually slept with her mother. Oh fuck. She could see the whites creeping in at the edges of her vision, and maybe this was what Lexa felt last night.

"She may have mentioned you and Lexa to your mother."

Clarke breathed a sigh of relief. So relieved that she had immediately sagged against another random wall and slid down onto her haunches, probably scaring the old man waiting to be picked up near the entrance. She didn't care about that right now; at least her mother and her best friend did not knock boots together, that was the point.

Well, it was, until what Octavia had just told her sank in. She went rigid, posture getting a straight as possible as she refused to get off her haunches. She sipped heartily at the espresso and tossing it in the trashcan that was conveniently next to her, marginally feeling the caffeine sinking into her veins and giving her the energy to deal with the storm that was probably marching her way to the attending lounge right now.

"I'm gonna kill her."

"Okay, I understand you're pissed, but maybe consider that she's already lost a leg."

Clarke hummed, nodding to herself as she pondered Octavia's observation. "I'm gonna break her other leg," she decided.

"Clarke."

But Clarke had already hung up. She stood up and pocketed her phone. If there was ever a time for a multiple car crash in the city, now would probably be a good time.

As it turned out, Abby Griffin wasn't in the attending lounge – according to a cardiothoracic attending who was still a little shell shocked at her version of an idol's appearance in their hospital, her mother had only hummed in disdain at her absence and proceeded to take the elevator to where the office of the Chief of Surgery was. Clarke couldn't figure out if that was worse or better.

She was already in the elevator, preparing to make her way to Marcus Kane's office and face the music sooner or later, when Diana Sydney got into the same car as her and monotonously informed her that Dr Abby Griffin was currently observing Dr Kane's craniotomy surgery in OR 4. That was exactly the moment that Clarke decided it was worse.

As a nurse, Sydney was not the most friendly and sometimes there were even rumors that she was planning a coup against Kane, which was ridiculous, but Clarke had also learned that Sydney rarely ever lied. And as informed, Clarke found her mother sitting in the viewing gallery. Front row, no less.

She resisted the urge to gag and found her way to the front row as well, sitting next to her mother and making a show of how much the woman's presence wasn't freaking her out when the truth was she really wanted to get the hell out of there.

She watched the purpose of this viewing gallery. Analyzing the way the man who used to give her rides on his shoulders precisely execute the blade and the organ. Wondering how her relationship with Marcus Kane had become so strained. Ignoring her mother's stare into the side of her head.

An hour and a half later, Marcus had finished suturing up his patient and tossed a look up at the gallery; Clarke didn't need to guess whom exactly he was looking for approval from. The woman next to her stood up and just squeezed Clarke's shoulder with a stern hand before heading out.

Clarke sighed and followed her mother until they entered Marcus' office, aware that the man wouldn't be in his office for awhile because post-op procedures took time. Abby poured two glasses of water and Clarke just stood there, like a child waiting to be lectured, as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Honestly, she was twenty-seven. She should be better than this.

"I heard something interesting from Raven a couple of days ago," Abby started off as she made herself comfortable in one of the armchairs, gesturing for Clarke to sit down on the other one.

Clarke sat down, quiet.

"Why didn't I know about you saving Princess Lexa's life in Libya?" Wait, was that it? Did Raven tell Abby only that? If so, maybe Clarke could spare her leg and just settle for a toe.

The younger Griffin bit her lip, not sure how to answer her mother's question without offending the woman.

"It could have done so much for your reputation as a doctor if I had known. I could have used that –"

"I didn't want you to," Clarke cut her off.

Abby frowned, clearly confused.

"I saved the princess' life because it was the right thing to do. It was my job. Not because I wanted the fame and the things you could do with what I did."

"Clarke, you're not thinking clearly."

"Oh, I was and am thinking very clearly. I know you very well, Mom – that's why I didn't tell you. I even told Raven and Octavia to not tell you about it."

"What exactly are you –"

Clarke stood up, not wanting to hear any further. Plus, if she could avoid any further conversation that could lead her into accidentally revealing her friendship with Lexa, she would do that. And right now, getting the hell out of this room and as far away as Abby as possible was that. She gave her mother a placating kiss on the cheek and headed for the door.

"I have patients, Mom. And I'm sure you have lunch plans with Dr Kane." She could barely make herself say that with a poker face, but she pulled through.

Knowing that her daughter was as stubborn as she was and this conversation would go nowhere further today, Abby only sighed and nodded. "See you for brunch on Sunday." It wasn't a request, but an order.

So Clarke just nodded and got out of the office as fast as possible.

Lexa (5:32p.m.): When did wishing someone well become criminal?

Clarke snorted at the text and looked up from her phone when someone called her name. It was Finn Collins, and Clarke was honestly confused as to what the universe had against her for constantly sending people she didn't want near her to her. She heaved a sigh through her nose and offered a strained smile at the idiot bumbling towards her.

He was lugging a gym bag at his side and his floppy hair tied into a manbun. There couldn't be more of a fuckboy representative even if they tried. Since she started working at this hospital and had the displeasure of being introduced to him, she found herself consistently questioning how much he had to pay to get certified as a doctor.

"What can I do for you, Dr. Collins?"

He scoffed. "Oh please, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Finn?"

"Many more, I guess," she deadpanned.

He blinked, obviously taken aback by her bored response. But kudos to him, he regained composure easily and laid on that easy grin of his that had worked on many a lady before, but definitely not her. She mostly just found it sleazy and oily and would give anything to permanently wipe it off his face.

"I ran into your mother today."

Oh fuck.

Clarke restrained herself from making a physical display of exactly how she felt about that bit of information. Instead, the hand on the strap of her sling bag tightened so much that she could feel the imprints of her nails on her palm. On her face, she only offered a tight smile and waited for him to go on, because that was the thing about Finn: he loved hearing himself talk.

"She mentioned something about brunch on Sunday…"

She lost him at that point, already feeling her blood freeze over. Her eyes tracked his lips moving but her ears weren't absorbing anything. Instead, she had pretty much tuned him out, choosing instead to plot ways of revenge against her mother for trying, once again, to set her up with this imbecile, no matter how many times she had explicitly said that nothing about this man attracted her to him.

For some reason, Abby Griffin had taken one look at Finn Collins on her first time visiting this hospital since Clarke had started working there and taken a shine on him, resolute on the idea of him being her son-in-law. Clarke supposed that even at her age, her mother wasn't immune to his so-called irresistible charms.

Though really, Clarke couldn't see it. She tried looking for the charms, even peeked into the garbage once when he passed by a nurse and she just straight up swooned, but found nothing.

"…flowers? Or does she like chocolate?"

"Nope."

Finn paused, blinked a couple of times, and then exuded a confused laugh. "Nope, as in she doesn't like flowers or chocolate?"

She stared at him for a longer moment, tracing his eyes and nose and the smile on his lips, giving him one last chance and attempting to locate the charm. When she couldn't find it, she crossed her arms and displayed the most polite smile she could muster. "Nope, as in you're not going to brunch."

"But your mother invited –"

"Uninvite yourself," she said, starting to turn around and making for the door.

"I can't –"

"Yes, you can. Uninvite yourself, Dr. Collins. You're not going to brunch on Sunday. Or any day!" She threw over her shoulder and didn't give him any chance to retort as the doors slid closed behind her and she sped walk to her car.

Clarke (5:40p.m.): its criminal when it sounds like u tryna have a clean break w/ me

She stayed in her car for a few minutes as she allowed herself the privilege of huffing and puffing at her mother's audacity. Even a hospital away, Abby Griffin still couldn't get the hint that Clarke really just wanted her to stop meddling.

When she had first come back from her tour, there were already two attending position offers waiting for her – one at Silver Hill Hospital and another at East Grace General. It wasn't a difficult choice to pick the establishment where her mother didn't work. She had thought working with Marcus Kane again would be fun. Had, being the operative word, given that she found out that the Chief of Surgery was actually courting Abby Griffin on her third day of working there.

It was already too late by then. But at least she didn't have to see her mother every day, which was something that Clarke never took for granted.

Still, after everything that had happened today, Clarke had to wonder whether she had to sign up for another tour and maybe head over to a hospital farther away than Libya for her mother to just give up trying to control her life. It was probably not the noblest of intention, but she was certain that the King wouldn't mind as long as she was saving lives.

Plus, she had an in with his daughter.

Lexa (5:42p.m.): I could very well just want you to be…well.

Clarke snorted.

Clarke (5:42p.m.): cut the bs lexa woods u thought u scared me off

Lexa (5:43p.m.): I wouldn't blame you if I did.

The doctor sighed at the text and rolled her eyes fondly at the person she was texting with. Sure, she might not know Lexa much, but for as much as she had learned about the princess, Lexa was extremely self-deprecating and did not prioritize herself enough. Something that could be seen through her negligence when it came to sleeping and now, this.

Clarke (5:46p.m.): ure forgetting that im a trauma surgeon and ive been in the field

It wasn't an outright rejection of Lexa's proverbial overture of a way out for Clarke before she went too deep into their friendship. What the veteran didn't know was that Clarke didn't want to get out – maybe there wasn't even a way out anymore with exit behind her sealed shut voluntarily. So it may not be an outright rejection, but it implied the same thing until they could talk things out when Lexa returned.

"He's a good lay though."

There it was, the urge to gag. She wasn't sure what was worse – Raven's crush on her mother or the fact that Raven actually slept with Finn Collins, even if it was only once.

"I don't need to know that."

"So what's this I hear about you wanting to break my other leg?"

"Break which leg now?"

Clarke and Raven paused in their movements as the new addition, turning their gazes from one another to the princess standing outside her apartment door, her hulking bodyguard standing dutifully behind her. Somehow, she could feel Raven grabbing onto her arm and digging her talons into her skin.

The blonde yelped and yanked her limb out of the Latina's grasp. "Oh, so this is real then," Raven remarked, still gaping at Lexa.

Cupping her forehead with a hand, Clarke glowered at her slippers and shook her head. She finally looked up and almost wanted to swipe that smug look off Lexa's face. Shaking her head again, she turned to her best friend and waved a hand in front of the woman's face, glad to see that Raven wasn't so engrossed as to be completely ignorant to her surroundings.

Otherwise, Clarke might actually push her off the ledge just to sling Raven back to reality.

She turned back to the princess and said, "You gotta stop giving my friends heart attacks." Lexa's smile only widened and her shoulder lifted in a shrug, not at all apologetic. Clarke sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"I just got back from Sangeda and I thought we could talk," the brunette replied.

Clarke tilted her head. "I didn't see anything on the news."

"My plane landed like forty-five minutes ago."

Blue eyes gradually widened at the realization. A breathy squeal sounded from beside her, proving that she wasn't imagining it if Raven had realized it too.

It was only at Lexa's barely-there admission that Clarke made herself eyeball the woman in front of her – the signature dark brown coat, the leather jacket underneath, the slightly paler than healthy pallor, and the rumpled beige khaki pants. She found herself dumbly nodding for a few seconds before Gustus cleared his throat from behind Lexa, eying the doctor intentionally.

Clarke snapped out of her shock and told Raven, "Booze night's postponed. Tell Octavia."

"What? But –"

"On me, I promise," Clarke cut off Raven's protest. She made sure to look her best friend in the eye for the woman to understand how serious she was with this promise.

Raven heaved a frustrated groan and pointed a finger at Clarke, pretty much poking the blonde in the nose. "You owe me more than that."

"Yeah, we'll talk. Now go. Gustus, would you be so kind and escort my friend to her car? She's gone a dumb leg."

"Hey!"

She probably had no right to order Gustus to do anything – that was why she asked. But still, he had to turn to his charge for permission, and when Lexa nodded, he squeezed past all of them through the narrow hallway and nodded at Raven. Clarke shot Raven a sheepish smile and watched the two figures so different in sizes disappeared around the corner to the elevators.

And then she whirled back around to face Lexa, who seemed in severe need of caffeine and was about to drop dead right where she was. Clarke huffed, feeling the annoyance rise in her chest at the princess' disregard for her own health, and tugged her keys from her jacket pocket.

"This talk could have waited, you know," Clarke said, opening the door and letting Lexa in.

"Well, I missed you, so," Lexa threw back casually as she shouldered past the blonde into the apartment, leaving the doctor to freeze in response to her words, unsure of what to say. Meanwhile, the princess didn't seem to realize what she had just said and collapsed on the couch without waiting for Clarke's invitation. "This might be rude, but I would really like some coffee."

i tried to be funny - i really did. i would really like to know your thoughts?