hello, i am back! i have three weeks until the end of the semester and almost everything has fizzled out except for a couple of presentations and reflection essays. there's time on my hands now - well, not much, but enough for me to pump this out for stupid lexa and clarke god they're so stupid. so yay!

now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

This Thursday was rainy. It began with a drizzle ten minutes after five in the morning. And Lexa, having just gotten out of bed, didn't think it was a big deal. After having waded through waist deep rivers, hiding under torn rooves or in the middle of the forest while there was a storm going on, shooting at her enemies while pretty much having no visuals due to the sheets of rain, a little drizzle wasn't a problem.

She'd changed accordingly and headed out to the garden. It was still within the borders of the palace, so there was no Gustus waiting for her, but the security team was still present, posted at all possible entry points and eyes wide with a guardedness that only one tasked with protecting the royal family could have. She began her morning routine of swimming at least twenty laps in the outdoor pool, before they opened it up for outsiders and visitors, when all was quiet and she could still hear her feet pounding the pavement and the air was still chilly.

Except she couldn't complete her swim that usually lasted for an hour, because twenty minutes into it, the clouds began to have their conference right over Polis, and everyone who was out in the open air became victims to their angry spats.

Lexa was, unsurprisingly, unhappy about it.

After her trip to Sangeda and her talk with Clarke, she had tried to stay home at night and not venture out on walks at the park at the expense of Gustus' rest. The first week was difficult. She lied in bed and closed her eyes but all she could see was an endless expanse of darkness while being vividly awake.

The second week, she started seeing the therapist Clarke had recommended, and Dr Niylah Terran recommended her to do things that could expend her energy so tremendously that she would have no choice but be knocked out. Lexa was skeptical at first, but she had gone home and started around the palace for an hour straight, ignoring the weird looks the staff and her family were sending her, and lo and behold, she went straight to bed and just snored her life off.

The only caveat was that it didn't really matter what time she slept or how long she intended to sleep, she would still wake up in cold sweat at exactly five in the morning. The last thing she saw would always be the face of one of the people she had lost overseas, begging her to save them.

So what did she do? She started twice a day, an hour each. If only to spend more energy, to exhaust herself, to drive the vivid images in her head less vivid.

Because of the rain, she didn't get to swim a full hour – the image was still lingering in her head; Corporal Hunter staring at her with a gauntness to his cheeks and a hateful expression on his face.

"This is good," Niylah commented when Lexa had come in with a tall cup of black coffee and a haunted look in her eyes for their fifth session.

Lexa wanted to bolt it right out of there, curse the hell out of this quack and never come back again. Her mind was too muddled to even remember that she actually liked Niylah, despite the psychiatrist's very piercing eyes and poker face and annoying hums. Or maybe she liked the other woman because of those things – because Niylah was one of the rare few people who could see through her with just one look.

The first time Lexa had walked into Niylah's office, the woman had nearly jumped out of her skin, then proceeded to literally jump out of her chair behind the desk to shake the princess' hand, eyes wide and forehead already sweating despite the room being air-conditioned. It was difficult to reconcile that Niylah to the Niylah four sessions later.

Because, apparently, the first session was just a warm up, and the second session was where the real work began. Niylah had managed to poke at holes that Lexa wasn't even aware existed, asking her questions and questions and questions and constantly trying to rile Lexa up. By then, it was already too late – Lexa already liked her.

It was no wonder that she and Clarke were friends. Or maybe more. Lexa had wondered, but she never did ask. Because she knew they were in a professional setting, and it would be inappropriate to just bring it up in a session. Plus, she wasn't sure if she wanted to know.

There were only two things she knew when it came to Niylah Terran: one was that Lexa liked her for some godforsaken reason, and the other was that she hated coming out of every session. Every session felt like a marathon of its own – all that self-exploration and trying to figure out what the psychologist was trying to get out of this particular session, all the probing and the forcing herself to open up because, apparently, that was meant to be comforting.

And it was true, she supposed. Every time she had a session, Lexa always found herself going home lighter and easier to smile. Sleep still didn't come easy, because she still wasn't sure if she wanted to sleep when the cost of it was to see those faces again.

But the second she came out of the office was a whole different story. The exhaustion wasn't sleepiness – it was a toll that pulled on her muscles, weighed down her joints, and numbed her brain. The kind of dullness that she had experienced every time she watched a fellow soldier die. It wasn't something she wanted to bring home to – she refused to go home until she had calmed down enough and regained enough of her personality to not have them suspicious.

The Thursday was still rainy, though not as heavy as this morning, when she came out of the building empty handed, having drained her coffee during her fifth session with Niylah. She tugged the bill of her cap lower to avoid being recognized and nodded at Gustus so he would follow along.

"What are we doing today?" she asked, forcing herself to talk and act as normal as possible.

Niylah had said something about behaving like normal would normalize behavior, and in time, it wouldn't feel so forced. Lexa had called bullshit, and she was only forcing herself now to prove the psychologist wrong.

Plus, oddly enough, Gustus always had good suggestions to uplift her post-therapy slump. There was one time he brought her to a putt-putt course and she had had one of the best times since she returned from Libya.

"Visit Clarke."

Lexa blinked. She stopped short in the middle of sidewalk, not even caring that they were being drizzled on right now. The both of them had been through war and back; their immunity were pretty much up there. A little rain didn't mean shit.

"Did you just say visit Clarke?" Gustus nodded. "Gus, you don't like her." As much as it pained her, he didn't, and Lexa knew him well enough to know that it took time for him to like things and no amount of convincing would work.

Gustus gswimted. "You do."

Lexa raised her brows, huffing a disbelieving sound. She glanced her around them, focusing on the plants and streetlight poles and windows looking into various shops, trying to spot a camera or anything that would indicate she was being pranked right now. But Gustus looked the same as he did when she looked back at him – stoic and unmoved, save for an impatient twitch to his beard covered lips.

"Does Penelope like that jungle growing on your face?"

"I will not dignify that with an answer."

"Honestly, how does she even let you eat her –"

"Your Royal Highness," Gustus bit out, though not out of anger, but of exasperation. His eyes displayed pools of impatience and fatherly disbelief, and he had one hand in the air, like he was struggling between scratching his head or pointing a finger in her face.

Lexa giggled. She could never get tired of this, even though he'd been by her side since she was a kid. She whipped out her phone, not forgetting to place a playful kiss on her bodyguard's cheek, and dialed Clarke's number.

The receptionist had recognized her, though Lexa wasn't so surprised by that. Sure, the cap and the sunglasses were always helpful, but only when she didn't have to purposely talk to anyone. And she refused to wear a scarf – those things were suffocating and hot and reminded a little too much of the fatigues that she had refused to allow her mother to burn.

Damn her parents for being such beautiful and benevolent leaders that everyone loved them, so much so that they loved the kids as much too, despite them having done exactly nothing to contribute to this nation thus far. They couldn't have been a little uglier or crueler, if only to ease their children's lives.

The receptionist – a boy who didn't seem older than twenty – had widened his eyes and almost squealed if not for Gustus hulking presence behind her. Yes, the man was helpful in occasions like this. She smiled at the receptionist, grabbed a random tissue paper, signed her name, and offered the piece to him while making her inquiry.

He could barely stutter out the instructions, but he was legible enough that she managed to find her way through the hallways and the doors. Plus, thank god for the instruction plaques hanging overhead.

She turned another corner and located the second door to her right, opened it, and almost felt her heart melt right over there. She shook her head, unable to resist the small chuckle from escaping her throat as she watched the scene before her.

"You're killing me," she remarked, taking her eyes away from the pile of puppies that were currently climbing onto Clarke's lap and zeroing in on the one that the blonde held in the crook of her arms while feeding it milk from a bottle.

"Oh my god," a familiar-looking woman exclaimed, scrambling to her feet and almost stepping on one puppy as she tried to stand as straight as possible. "Oh my god," she repeated, except in the form of a hiss at the blonde still sitting on the floor, totally undisturbed by Lexa's appearance here.

"Octavia, calm down," Clarke said and slowly stood up as well to not jostle the puppy too much. She threw the woman – Octavia, apparently – a warning look before making her way over to Lexa, not forgetting to offer a nod to Gustus. "I was wondering why you texted me."

"Gus suggested I hang out with you today." No, she wasn't going to tell Clarke about her post-therapy habits. Not yet, anyway.

The doctor raised her brows and cast a look at Gustus standing behind her. "Really?"

Gustus gswimted half-heartedly.

"I thought you don't like me."

Gustus gswimted again.

"You know, one of these days, you're gonna have to actually talk to me, right?"

Gustus was quiet for a moment, which made Lexa turn around. He was staring at Clarke with his eyes narrowed. Not in an intimidating way – Lexa wouldn't have allowed it if it was. He was…perturbed. Uncertain of the blonde. Unused to the blonde. His first priority since the moment Lexa had been born was to protect Lexa – be her father when her own father couldn't, guard her, make sure she ate, make sure she slept, make sure she breathed. So this blonde was completely out of his wheelhouse. He didn't know how to handle her, really.

This was intriguing. This was amusing. This was fun, especially after the hour she had had with Niylah. She had never seen Gustus like this before, unable to decide between protectiveness and curiosity. Lexa decided she liked this. Because she related so much. That time she had opened her eyes back in Libya and saw this pretty doctor struggling on what exactly to call her, she had been gone – she just didn't want to admit it until she saw Clarke again six months later.

Lexa decided she liked this.

Gustus decided on gswimting again.

Gustus was also right – he somehow almost always was; it was kind of annoying. The weight that had been laden onto her shoulders since she left Niylah's office was half gone with only just a glimpse at Clarke's face; the rest of it, she had to get rid on her own – no external forces could help.

But this was enough. This was better than nothing. Once again, Clarke Griffin was magic. As Lexa watched Clarke coo the puppy in her arms, she wanted badly to just kiss the blonde. The only things stopping her were Octavia, who was still frozen and unbothered by the horde of adorable puppies crowding her feet, and her own reservation at making whatever this was between them more than that before she could pull herself together.

The last thing she wanted was to subject Clarke to yet another bout of panic attack – not if she could help it.

"Ah, so this is the infamous Clarke Griffin."

She stiffened where she was, recognizing that voice immediately and definitely recognizing the look that dawned on Clarke's expression as she saw their new companion. Behind the blonde, Octavia let out a menial squeak that resembled a mouse and a drowning dog at the same time, straighter than Lexa could think possible – she wasn't certain if she herself managed to be this straight in posture back when she was still in uniform.

Lexa closed her eyes and released a long sigh. Of course, fate would choose to play with her this way.

"Lexa." Clarke's hiss made her open her eyes again; she refused to turn around unless properly prompted. The doctor looked half freaked out and half uncertain, the puppy in her arms long forgotten as it squirmed and squirmed and squirmed. "Lexa, what do I do?"

The princess decided there wasn't a point to her cap anyway, so she pulled it off as a vain effort to relieve the stress gathering at the back of her head and turned around to face their intruder, who looked all sorts of smug and unapologetic at his rude intrusion. "Lincoln," she greeted, trying to convey her promise to strangle him in his sleep later tonight.

Lincoln hummed, flicked Clarke a glance, and smirked wider. "Anya's going to have a field day."

"I promise to not smother you with your pillow tonight if you don't tell Anya – or anyone else – about today."

Clarke gasped behind her, joined by Octavia's subsequent squeak. It was kind of becoming repetitive at this rate.

"That is so unfair. I just want one thing to lord over our dear sister."

Lexa shrugged. On any other day, she'd want the same thing – Anya was too much of a devious human being sometimes, given the way she always managed to acquire information throughout the palace and utilized these information to get the younger siblings to do something or another. Lexa would probably help her brother in devising a plan to get back at their older sister.

But in this situation, her relationship with Clarke was more important. It was still too early, too fresh. There was no way she was losing her privacy with Clarke just like that – because the moment her sister found out anything new, it would be game over. She wanted to keep the doctor as safe from that thunderstorm as long as she was capable. Forever, if that was even possible.

Lincoln groaned, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. "Fine. At least introduce me to her."

Lexa took a step back and smiled at Clarke reassuringly, offering a wink to help. "Lincoln, this is Clarke, a good friend of mine." His eyes twinkled at her choice of words, and she narrowed hers back. She reached down to squeeze Clarke's forearm twice. "Clarke, I'm sure you know my brother, Lincoln."

Clarke laughed nervously and Lexa could see that she was trying her very best to not act out as she did back in Libya. Shame, really, because Lexa had found that really cute. The blonde clasped onto Lincoln's ready hand and shook it.

"Um, hi, yes, I'm – I'm Clarke." She blinked a couple of times before letting go of the man's hand and gesturing behind her.

"Pleasure," Lincoln replied with a charming smile, one of his many talents. Lexa could never do that. "I have heard absolutely nothing about you, except your name and that you're the doctor who saved Lexa's life."

Clarke raised her brows, threw Lexa look that was much too swift for proper interpretation, and turned back to the prince. "So how am I infamous then?"

"This is the first time we've ever heard of Lexa meeting a girl in a long time. She's always been a little closed off, as I'm sure you know."

"Right." At that, Clarke had become significantly confident, as if she had just found ammunition. "Yes, I definitely know that."

Lexa was going to regret this immensely, she realized, as she watched the conspiratorial look manifest behind her closest people's eyes. Suddenly, she wanted to squeak like Octavia had done since the moment she showed up.

"This is –"

"I don't know whether it's a curse or a blessing."

"Can I say both?"

There was a long pause between them. And then Lexa hummed skeptically, tilting her head as she watched whatever it was happening in front of her. "Are you sure, though?"

"Guess we'd have to wait and find out."

"I'm not even sure I want that."

After the incredibly odd introduction between the girl she felt like kissing all the time and her brother and the best friend of the girl she felt like kissing all the time, the five of them – including Gustus – had somehow managed to end up a secluded spot at a nearby beach, where it would only be them and the two puppies that Lexa was pretty sure they kidnapped from the shelter, though Octavia assured them that she'd already told the owner that they'd return the little boys at the end of the day.

Apparently, her brother ran the shelter. The princess wasn't certain she would ever trust someone who couldn't even be there to account for the dogs to properly swim a shelter.

But who was she to judge anyway? The puppies were adorable – so adorable that Lexa was actually considering adopting one. And to think that she had only made her way to the shelter because Gustus had come up with the ridiculous idea of seeing Clarke right after therapy. Look where that brought her – an awkward and much-too-early introduction between Lincoln and Clarke.

Which brought her to the other not-so-adorable thing. As soon as Gustus had driven up to this side of the beach and dropped them off, Lexa and Clarke had immediately made themselves comfortable on a random tree tswimk with a puppy, while Lincoln and Octavia had galloped off to the shore with the other.

It was odd. She wasn't certain she liked it – not yet – and obviously, Clarke felt the same. Her brother and Clarke's best friend had just been trampling about the beach like a couple of long lost lovers as they tried to make sure the puppy didn't drown. And there was a moment that Lexa was jealous of her brother – of how easy it was for him to just…be so carefree with a woman he obviously had taken a liking with, of how comfortable he was without having to worry about stupid attacks or memories or dead soldiers calling his name.

She understood that it was a selfish thought, and once upon a time, she would have felt guilty for being selfish. But Niylah had taught her that she was allowed these emotions as long as she acknowledged the whys behind these thoughts. Self-awareness was the first step.

"So why did you come and see me?" Clarke asked.

"Because Gus said so."

Clarke hummed with an amused look on her face as she narrowed her eyes at Lexa teasingly. "And you expect me to believe that you just follow your bodyguard's instructions everywhere you go?" The blonde turned a little to the left to locate said bodyguard standing several yards away to watch over both the prince and the princess. "You know, if you follow instructions that easily, I'm sure you would have been a much easier charge than Gustus currently finds you."

Surprisingly enough, the usually silent man released a snort loud enough for them both to hear, whipping both of their attention to him in an instant second. The bswimette gaped at him in betrayal, while the blonde gaped at him for having even made that noise at all.

Gustus noticed Lexa's expression and offered a simple shrug. "She's not wrong."

"I think he actually likes me."

Lexa whipped around and swerved back slightly, completely caught off guard by the sudden close proximity of Clarke's voice, followed by the realization the woman actually almost had her chin on Lexa's shoulder. She blinked a few times and breathed deeply to get her heart back in order, hoping that Clarke wouldn't mistake her reaction for something else, or better yet, didn't actually notice her reaction.

But judging by the way the blonde's face pinched with slight hurt and guilt, Clarke had definitely seen her reaction and definitely mistook it for something else.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" Clarke drifted off, shrinking a little back and returning to stroking the puppy.

The bswimette sighed aloud, throwing Gustus a dirty look, before she tried to find the words that wouldn't reveal too much. She stared down at the puppy and watched it doze in the crook of Clarke's elbow, unable to help but smile at the scene.

"No, it's…uh…" She took a deep breath and removed her gaze from the puppy to Clarke. "Things always get a little weird whenever I leave Niylah's office."

She waited for the inevitable as it dawned on Clarke what she had just said. The blonde shifted a little on the tree tswimk and tilted her head, a clear look of understanding replacing the guilt. Instead of responding verbally, she only nodded a little as a prompt for the princess to go on.

"I mean, she's good. You're right to recommend her. I do feel…easier after I see her. But things are…" She licked her lips and moved to shove her hands in her jacket pockets. "It's the right after that's weird, you know. Like I've just told this very professional looking woman whom I suspect you have a history with about things in my life that I've never told anyone. And everything floats up to the surface. And I leave the office and I'm not sure how to deal with this floating…things." Lexa blinked rapidly after having expended all that. She refused to look at Clarke – well, more like she wasn't brave enough yet. "So Gus usually gives me suggestions as to what I can do to…deal with this floating things until they're no longer floating. And they usually work, you know. Today, he suggested that I come see you, so I came to see you," she concluded, swallowed deeply, and looked at Clarke.

"And how do you feel?"

Lexa had to fight a laugh. Of course, that would be Clarke's question – this was why Lexa adored the woman. "Not as floaty," she answered truthfully.

A hum escaped from the blonde's throat, satisfied and a little smug. Plus, it was hard to miss the contentment in Clarke's sparkling blue eyes at the thought. Yeah, Gus rarely ever had bad ideas.

"Well, I like seeing you not as floaty."

"I like not being floaty."

Lexa reached out to take the puppy, rather certain that she could handle a puppy. And to her delight, the thing woke up excitedly at her hands and didn't even hesitate to paw its way up her chest to lick her face vigorously, soon covering her skin in slobber. She didn't mind.

Once she had lowered to puppy to her lap, Clarke was staring at her with a small smile on her face, admiration and adoring at once.

"What?" Lexa asked self-consciously.

There was a moment where the doctor opened her mouth, very prepared to say whatever it was on her mind. Except she hesitated, eyed Lexa for another second, and closed her mouth as she turned towards Lincoln and Octavia. Lexa waited, but when Clarke was quiet a little too long, she opened her mouth to prompt Clarke to just spit it out, only to stop when the other woman looked back at her.

"Just so you know," the blonde began, hesitantly reaching out lace one hand with Lexa's – the bswimette wondered if Clarke could feel her pulse quicken under her skin – "my history with Niylah…is just that. History. And it will stay that way."

Lexa blinked at the admission – it sounded layered to her, but Lexa had never been good at deciphering hidden messages. Her brows furrowed slightly and her free hand stopped stroking the puppy's hair as she stared at Clarke stare at her.

"You – you don't have to explain anything to me, Clarke."

With a tiny shrug, Clarke moved closer to her until the sides of their thighs touched on the tree tswimk. She squeezed Lexa's hand once, twice, and said, "I know. I just want you to know."

The rainy Thursday had, thankfully, been just that. At exactly five in the morning, Lexa got out of bed after a rare restful sleep – she suspected it had something to do with having spent a whole afternoon with a certain pretty blonde doctor.

Not allowing that thought to delay her, the youngest Polis princess changed into her swimsuit and headed out to the pool, stretching her limbs and joints as she stood by the edge. She had just finished stretching her hamstring when someone showed up next to her – so unfamiliar an occurrence that Lexa had to remind herself that there were so many guards around her that there was no way this person could assassinate her in close distance.

She stood up straight to find Lincoln in his swimming trunks with his arms stretched overhead. She rolled her eyes and extended her arm to flick his forehead, eliciting an exaggerated yelp.

"Don't sneak up on veterans," she told him, shaking her head in disapproval.

"Sorry," he muttered sheepishly. "Can I join you?"

She tilted at him, his features further darkened under the sky that was hanging between dawn and night. She couldn't see him clearly, but if she could, he'd be carrying an expectant look – one that hid his eagerness to be with his younger sister. Briefly, she wondered what he and Clarke had talked about during the short time they shared together yesterday when Lexa had to go to the bathroom.

"Sure."

"I like Clarke, by the way."

She couldn't help but smile, because as much as she wanted to hide Clarke away from everyone else a little longer, her older brother's approval was still nice. She hummed in response and made to dunk into the pool unceremoniously.

"Keep up, loser!"

While Lexa Woods had been used to being a lonely person, used to shit talking with comrades, unclear as to how to navigate with her family currently, she had to admit: swimming with her big brother before dawn broke was nice. She wouldn't mind doing it again.

i didn't want to just gloss over lexa's ptsd just because she's seeing a therapist now, but i'm also not sure if i'm writing this right. i don't want to misinterpret anything, given that i have no experience with ptsd whatsoever, so if i've made any mistake, please do tell me so i can improve myself in the future.

also, lincoln is that quiet big brother who doesn't say shit but really loves lexa in a quiet way and really enjoys octavia's company in that quiet way of his and you can tear this headcanon out of my cold dead hands.