wow, this took much longer than when my grandmother passed away. but it's work. it's always work. why am i an adult? fuck.
and this chapter is significantly shorter than the others, and i would have written more, but it didn't feel right to keep going and ruin the cohesion, so here you go.
now, read, ponder, and enjoy!
The pool in the morning was chilly and smooth, especially after she had turned on the ventilation. Her leg that always had a mild ache which can be put to the back of her mind most of the time always felt the best in the pool. She didn't know what kind of science that was – she made a note to ask Clarke – but the water lapping against her skin and dragging her physique along as she swam her laps just did something to make the ache disappear all together.
After her fiftieth lap, she leaned against the pool wall and brushed her wet hair back from her face, giving herself time to take in the moisture surrounding her body and the lack of pressure on her bum leg. She forgot about the flight ticket Rachel had booked for her two days ago, and she forgot about the flight scheduled in two weeks, heading to what she would define as no man's land.
In the distance, her ears picked up on heavy footsteps, deliberately done by her bodyguard to alert so as not to have her give him a flying kick. Yeah, in spite of the therapy and the swims and the girlfriend, she still couldn't shake off the high alertness that had defined her since she got on the jet to ship out for the first time.
Gustus eventually emerged from the doorway that connected the pool building to the palace, stoic and all too awake for six in the morning. The woes of being a soldier, she supposed, they could never really kick the habit.
"Breakfast," he announced.
She leaned back a little, her eyes closing. She took a few breaths, inhaling the chlorine and the rising mildew of the sun rising. Behind her eyelids, she could see a head of blonde hair, a pair of intelligent blue eyes, haloed with the sunshine. She loved this view more than anything.
Lexa made her way to the ladder and slowly climbed up. As soon as her legs were exposed to air, she could feel it. The soreness climbing up, more acute than before because of her previous activity. She hid the wince from her bodyguard by turning her back to him as she wiped herself down with a towel.
Damn her leg. Damn everything.
This was a tense breakfast, unlike the others. Even before they knew about her issues and she started seeing Niylah, the Woods royal family always had good breakfasts – rampant, loud, and laughter abound. This was not.
Like she was too eager to get back to the piles of paperwork that would have undoubtedly gathered on her desk during the last two days of ignorance in favor of politics and dealing with Jaha, Lexa gobbled up the omelets and guzzled down the orange juice. Without glancing at her parents and almost feeling guilty for the look her siblings were sending her – it wasn't like this was her fault – she grabbed an apple from the fruit basket and stood up, bidding a quiet goodbye.
"Lexa," her father sternly stopped her, sounding admonished and impatient at the same time.
And even though she usually prided herself on her independence and strong headedness, she stopped in her tracks and turned around to face her parents, stone-faced enough to display her displeasure with them. Of course, her siblings had become the collateral of her stare, but they knew what was going on.
The entire palace administration had been in amok because of the screaming match between her and her parents, heard throughout the rooms they passed and the hallways they trekked. She could only count herself lucky for the loyalty their staff had towards the family. Otherwise, their shouting match would have been front page news the moment she had stepped out of the palace to sneak to the hospital.
Her mother looked exhausted and her father was frustrated – well, the roles had been reversed for once. Usually, Storme was the bad cop and Richmond was the kind cop who gave chocolate bars. Regardless, it wasn't her fault.
"You can't blame us for your trip," Richmond said after a prolonged silence.
Lexa raised her brows. "Really? Wow, it must have been another royal couple who instructed me to go to Libya next week for Service Day. My apologies."
"Look, I know that you don't want to and Jaha had no right to make the decision for you, but you gotta admit he was right in that the optics could be –"
"The optics," Lexa scoffed, shaking her head with a sardonic smile.
"What? What do you have to say?" the king demanded, seeming like he was about to lose his cool at her behavior.
Lexa clenched and unclenched her fists, one of them almost crushing the apple that she had forgotten about. She looked to her siblings, remaining longer on Lincoln, who had a disappointed expression on his face as he eyed their parents. Yeah, he would, because he was there throughout the whole thing – from getting on the chopper to watching her wake up at the family hospital.
"Remember eight months ago, when you guys went to one of my physical therapy sessions, and I told you I wanted to something about veteran affairs?" she asked, quietly and without the vigor from before.
The king narrowed his eyes, seemingly still confused as to where she was going. But the queen definitely remembered, judging by the sigh she heaved and the way she closed her eyes in pain.
"Do you remember what you promised me?"
It took awhile, but it finally got to her father as he sucked in a breath and closed his eyes as well. He placed a hand on his forehead, averting his angry eyes from her and turning his disbelieving gaze to his wife.
Eight months might sound like a long time, but it wasn't for her. To her, when the nightmares still recurred and loud noises still had her jumping, it felt only like yesterday. Her leg might be aching now, but it was nothing compared to then, when every step seemed to take every ounce of energy she had pent up over eight hours of sleep.
And Lexa was never one to forget promises, especially when they hinged on her dignity and integrity. Especially when her parents made them. They were the ones who taught her the gravity of making promises and the importance of keeping them.
"I told you that my work is my work. I don't need people knowing about it. I don't want to politicize it. I certainly don't want it to be a PR program. I just want to help people. That's all I've ever wanted to do," Lexa said.
"You have to remember you're a princess –"
"I never asked for that!" Lexa almost screamed, but her loud voice was enough to grab everyone's full attention, ranging from shock to disbelief. She sighed heavily and ran her hands through her hair. "I know this is my life. I know I grew up in this palace. I know I have responsibilities. I know you're my parents. And I love you, I do, but I have never asked for this. I never asked for the attention. I never asked for the status or the title. I never wanted any of this."
For a long moment, her family just sat there while she stood on the other side of the room.
Palace staff surrounded them, wide-eyed and uncertain of the argument happening before them, not at all familiar with the animosity that they were witnessing – they were all used to the happy Woods family, acting like any other family if not for the crest imprinted on their clothes and the last name they carried.
Storme gingerly laid down her cutleries and propped her chin on her clasped hands as she carefully eyed her daughter, her expression a total mystery. And here was where Lexa finally saw the formidable queen that had even the parliament shaking in their seats – there was no telling what the queen would do or say next.
"Have you been feeling this way this whole time?" Storme asked, voice inquisitive and regal.
Lexa opened her mouth but closed it again as she found herself unable to properly answer the question. She shifted her gaze to one of the windows and saw the landscape of the palace, spread so widely and so stark in its majesty.
All her life, except for the several years she was away from home, she had woken to this view. It sprawled over acres, neatly trimmed and designed, symmetrical and all too terrifying. Every morning, she looked out the window and a sense of uncertainty would crawl up her nerves. She was born for this – she was intimidated by her birthright.
"I killed people," she finally said, low tone but loud enough for her family to hear. She turned back to them with a mirthless smile and shrugged. "I was a good commander. I knew how to lead. I knew how to manage my soldiers. I knew how to delegate. I knew when to quit and when to advance. I was good, and I have you to thank for that."
The princess looked down at the apple she had been holding, red and juicy, freshly plucked from the royal orchard.
"I just never asked for any of it."
She put down the apple, gave her family another glance, and walked out the double doors. Instead of heading down the hallway to her study, she made her way to the garage, all too fast for Gustus to catch up.
"I'm sorry you feel this way."
Lexa had her ass propped against the hood of the car, one hand shoved into the pocket of her leather jacket while the other held her phone to her ear. She had driven up a hill off the fifty sixth turn and had stopped at the edge of the cliff. It was past noon by the time she had arrived there, which only showed how long she had driven aimlessly.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she told Anya.
"How long have you been keeping that to yourself?"
She shrugged, although she knew that her sister couldn't see it. "I don't know. I just – I don't think I'm aware that I've felt like that until today."
"You talked to your therapist about it?"
"Not yet."
Between the two of them hung a prolonged pause. She tilted her head back and allowed the heat of the afternoon sun to sear against her skin that had built an immunity against sunburns and allergies.
"What do you wanna do now?"
"I don't wanna go home."
Another pause, but this one was fully on Anya. "Forever?" she then asked, sounding almost timid if not for her persistent tone of nonchalance and toughness.
It was something Lexa had always failed to learn from her sister.
"No. No. I promised Mom I'll always come back."
"Well, thank god for that. I don't think I have the patience to find another maid of honor."
Lexa chuckled, appreciative of Anya's attempt to lighten the mood. "I thought therapy would work."
"Hey," Anya admonished, "you don't sneak out at night anymore. You're actually talking to me. You found yourself a hot girlfriend. I think you're doing pretty well. This is just a minor setback. Everybody has those." Lexa hummed. "I'm proud of you, little sis."
"I'm really sorry you have to see that."
"You've been so quiet through all the years you've been my little sister. I'm actually surprised that you could actually yell like that," Anya teased.
The younger princess clicked her tongue, rolling her eyes at Anya's habits of making fun of her, but that was what big sisters were for, she supposed, and she wouldn't have it any other way. Anya had always been her best friend – the one person that Lexa would sneak out with in the middle of the night just so they could put a blanket out in the back garden so they could talk through the night, pretending that their bodyguards did not exist.
Somehow, her deployment and the distance and the lack of equipment for proper phone calls had pulled them apart. And then she had brought so much baggage with her upon her return that she didn't even try anymore. She regretted that – pulling away from her best friend.
"You have five days until your trip. Do whatever you want. Have some drinks. Get laid. Maybe even go stripping. I don't care. You don't even have to go on that trip if you don't want to – I'll talk to Mom and Dad; I'm the second in line, not you."
Lexa felt her eyes well up at her sister's devotion to her, willing to risk her parents' impatience just so her little sister could have a break. She realized she had never truly showed Anya exactly how much she loved her.
"Just promise me one thing."
"What is it?"
"Come home to us," Anya requested.
Lexa offered a noise of affirmation. "I'll always come home, Anya."
There was something to be said about the fact that after the call with Anya, she had automatically climbed into her car and drove towards the familiar apartment building wherein she had spent a few nights. There was also something to be said about the fact that this car definitely had a tracker installed, but no one had come after her yet.
She made a note to thank Gustus for that, knowing for sure that her bodyguard must have had something to do with it. Her father needed to give him a raise, and maybe even build the man's wife a bigger house, considering the sacrifices she had to make for her husband to do his job.
The car she had snagged was one of the more inconspicuous ones, but it was still a palace car, and there was no way it wouldn't be noticed if she drove inside. So she parked by the sidewalk and sent a text, hoping the recipient would read it soon.
However, by a stroke of luck or something – she wouldn't want to question it – just as the text had been sent, she looked up to see Clarke sidling down the sidewalk, carrying a bag from the drugstore down the street. She watched as the blonde read the text and lift her head to locate the car, easily finding it as Lexa stuck her hand out the window to wave in her direction.
Clarke approached Lexa's side of the car, eyes roving the vehicle with an appreciative glint. She whistled as she knelt by the window, arms crossed over the edge and her chin propped over her arms.
"For some reason, the idea of you driving a car like this looks very sexy to me."
Lexa raised her brow. "Oh yeah?"
"I'm kidding." She lowered her brow. "You look sexy either way."
At that point, it would be a crime to not lean forward to take that very adorable face. Their awkward positioning mattered not a bit as her brain shut down while she kissed Clarke as thoroughly as she could without committing public indecency – she had read enough of the law to know that her ancestors had made it airtight so that not even royalty was exempt from conviction.
Once she had enough – there was never enough; she just needed air and time was slipping away – she leaned back and reached out with a hand to caress the blonde's cheek. Clarke sighed in enjoyment, leaning into the touch.
"What are you doing here?"
Lexa glanced back into the backseat and started to feel the nerves getting to her. Licking her lips, she returned her gaze to her girlfriend and tried a careless shrug. "Wanna slack off for a day or two and go on a camping trip with me?"
Clarke's face was frozen for a bit, like she couldn't quite process Lexa's words, and her eyebrows rose a little and her eyes blinked, like she didn't really believe Lexa's words.
"There's a place I used to go to with Lincoln and Anya. So much that my parents had to buy that plot of land so they can secure it and make sure their children don't get kidnapped because of who we are," she continued. "I was thinking we could go there. It'd be quiet. There's hot water. A great view of the city. Trees and flowers." She smiled a little. "And if I'm so lucky, you."
"What's going on, Lexa?"
It was a single question, but the princess could already feel the exhaustion sipping back in a rush, clouding her body and infecting her mind. She recalled the fights she had with her parents – both two days ago and today.
Curiously enough, these fights were more tasking than having to stand guard for more than ten hours because they had recently received reports of insurgents possibly storming the base.
"I'm just so tired, Clarke. Of the palace. The responsibilities. The title. This life," she muttered, her head resting against the headrest of her seat. "I need a break." She swallowed and shook her head. "You don't have to go with me if you don't want to. I understand you have a job. I'm going either way. It's just – I got all the stuff and I drove here automatically. I don't even know why."
She stared ahead, scared of even looking at Clarke to see the rejection that would be apparent on her face. This fear was the reason why she was surprised when the doctor extended her hand across the window and touched her cheek, gently pushing so Lexa could turn to her.
"Can I at least pack some of my stuff and make a call to the hospital first?"
Mouth dropping a little, Lexa could only nod. Slowly in the beginning, transitioning into an eager one.
Clarke's lips tugged into a beautiful smile and she stood up, but didn't walk away before she leaned in to kiss Lexa again. It wasn't much of anything. It was a kiss. It was a reassurance. It was the grounding that Lexa needed in that moment.
there will be angst. i promise. after this, there will be angst. it's like my brand. deal with it.