sorry, no reunion...yet.

now, read, ponder, and enjoy!

Who would have thought? She took a trip to Libya, got ambushed, completely lost a portion of her left leg from her knee down, broke up with a woman whom she was sure was the love of her life…and winter had subsided to spring. And it did nothing but worsen her mood.

Her time as a soldier on active duty – a commander, at that – meant spending a majority of her time getting baked under a relentless sun. Even the nights were humid, a magnet for mosquitoes and flies and getting drenched in her sleep. And when she got discharged, she came right back to a Polis in the middle of autumn, and she'd grown a new appreciation of the biting cold that came with the seasons.

And now it was spring. The cold had dissipated. She couldn't swim anymore, not anytime soon. All she could do was stay awake throughout the night, because there was no way she could slip past her family's bedrooms and the workers and the security guards now that she had become so reliant on her cane, and then slide out of bed just before dawn to sit on the deck by the pool after sliding open the roof. And she couldn't even really enjoy it, because the cold didn't bite anymore.

She pushed past the resentment that hadn't stopped building even after the very incentivized talk with her father that day and just glowered at the horizon where she couldn't even see the sun rise because the building wasn't facing the right fucking direction. Her fingers began to absentmindedly massage her left thigh, as if it could push away the phantom pain.

Her ears were sharp though, so the moment the door to the deck clicked, she straightened. As she listened to the approaching footfalls, she relaxed again, waiting for her sister to join her on the other lounge chair. But Anya didn't join her on the other lounge chair; instead, she'd sat on the ottoman and gently lifted Lexa's left leg into her lap, pushing away the brunette's fingers to do the massaging herself.

"No, Anya –"

"It's fine," her sister whispered, ignorant to the guards – Gustus was still out of commission, king's orders – that had become cognizant of two princesses in the room and adding patrol around the area. "You didn't sleep," she further remarked, refusing to look in Lexa's direction.

Lexa refused to answer. She didn't try to protest again either. The last week had been nothing short of exhausting and disheartening, even though she hadn't really done anything but skulk around in her room and her office, actively avoiding routes or rooms that her parents could be found in.

This was a quiet morning, and she intended to relish it. Plus, spending time with her sister had never not turned out in her favor. She leaned back in the chair and just kept her half-lidded eyes on the skyline, watching it turn from violet to orange-blue to a stark orange.

Anya didn't say another word as her fingers worked on Lexa's leg. Moments later, Lexa heard the door creak again and stiffened, something that her sister picked up on as her eyes went cold for a bit at the door, only to warm up again. Lexa could recognize her new visitor by the footfalls again, so she relaxed…again. Her brother took up the other lounge chair, holding a tray of bread rolls, cheese platter, some fruits, and three cups of chamomile tea.

"Chamomile tea doesn't work on me," the veteran remarked, but smiled fondly at her siblings this time – obviously, they'd planned this.

"Don't read too much into things," Lincoln chastised, placing the tray on the folding table between the chairs. "And eat your food."

She obliged and picked up the bread slathered in butter along with some cheese. Her siblings followed, smiling slightly at the sight of their wounded sister not disobeying them for once, even though she was the youngest and she was supposed to listen to them, if hierarchy had ever counted in this family. They spent the next fifteen minutes or so gobbling up the food that Lincoln brought up, throwing glares at any guards who came too close to interrupting their morning together.

Eventually, her sister and brother got to bickering about wedding details and some politics, and Lexa just watched them. There was a discovery in there somehow, where she found out that since she came back, she hadn't really made any effort to spend time with them – just the three of them together, being absolute knuckleheads and dipshits, just like old times. A pinch of regret started slithering into her chest as she drank the tea that had absolutely no effect on her, eventually blossoming into a full-blown one when they turned to her.

Whatever they were talking about, she hadn't exactly paid attention to it. But as she looked at them, she could only voice an apology, soft and brittle.

"What for?" Anya asked.

"I haven't exactly been a very good sister, have I?" she pointed out.

The two of them shared a look, discussing something without even sharing a word, which was a very good proof that they'd been planning this for quite some time. It also served as a bigger proof that Lexa herself had become so absent in this palace, in her family's lives, that she couldn't even figure out what they were saying. Things used to be better, the three of them.

"You've been dealing with some stuff on your own. We can't exactly blame you for that," Anya offered, squeezing Lexa's calf.

"I was also in love."

Lincoln's eyes twitched. "We certainly can't blame you for that." He tilted his head with melancholic smile, seeing the truth in her words instantly, because the use of part tense could not be more inaccurate in her situation. "Though we definitely would have appreciated you opening yourself up a little more with us – if not with mom and dad, then me and Anya, you know," he added.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's just – the army, it's not –"

"Hey, I've said this before and I'll say it again: we don't care," Anya cut in in chastisement, squeezing Lexa's calf again. "You're my sister –"

"Our sister," Lincoln corrected, throwing a look at their eldest sibling.

"Lincoln, that isn't really the point right now."

"Well, stop trying to claim monopoly on Lexa. She's my sister too."

"Yeah, but you're a dude. You wouldn't understand."

"Excuse me, who was the one who went to Libya to pick her up the first time she got injured? As I recall, not you."

"Okay, how long are you going to hold that over my head?"

"For as long as I can."

"You're such a child."

"Yeah, it's not my fault you're old."

"How dare you –"

Their chatter was cut off when Lexa burst out in peals of laughter. Not even a generic laughter. Just her and her cup of half-finished tea, holding her stomach as she leaned back against the lounge chair in fits of breathlessness and genuine mirth, so loud and pure that even the guards nearby had to look at each other or pause in their movements to make sure she hadn't been doped off on laughing gas.

Anya and Lincoln were obviously taken aback from their sister's sudden outburst, forgetting their argument earlier as they watched Lexa in simultaneous wonder and concern. In the middle of all the wonder and concern was also adoration and reminiscence – it had been awhile. As they watched, one of them was thinking that perhaps the only person who'd seen this sight since she came back was none other than Clarke Griffin.

"Fine, our sister," Anya relented, rolling her eyes.

"God, I missed you guys," Lexa said between breaths of chuckles.

Anya and Lincoln shook their heads and only leaned in to wrap her up in a three-way hug. The tea had ended up sloshing on all them as they tried to get into a tight embrace, and they would argue about it later, but not now.

"Back to square one," Lexa scoffed.

She shook her head at her therapist and extended an arm to grab the yellow stress ball just sitting on the desk. It had been one more week of recovery at home before Wells cleared her for mild activities that would be light on the heart.

In between, she'd dropped Niylah a call to brief her on the situation, claiming that she would still like to continue showing up if Niylah wouldn't mind – she'd only asked because Niylah had sounded surprised and perhaps even a little uncouth at the request. And now here she was, unable to get a read on the therapist whatsoever. Then again, she wasn't the one with the mental health degree here.

"I wouldn't say that," Niylah replied, clicking her pen every now and then. Lexa opened her mouth but Niylah stopped her as she held up a hand. "Look, before we start, I need to clear something up with you. And then you can decide whether you wanna retain me as your therapist, so as not to waste our time or money." Lexa frowned, tilting her head in confusion. "I was at the hospital."

First, it was confusion. And then, taking in the expression on Niylah's face, it dawned on her. She sat up straighter – well, as straight as she could be, figuratively and literally – and squeezed the stress ball hard. That wasn't possible. She thought the entire hospital had signed an NDA, and revealing anything about her condition would have been treasonous.

Except…one person didn't sign the NDA. She blinked once, twice, thrice – and eventually, a sense of frustration started to crawl up her chest. She clenched her jaw, eyes set straight on Niylah, despite the other woman's obvious discomfort with Lexa's stony face and lack of verbal response.

What on earth had Clarke been thinking? Sure, she wasn't royalty, but they were together enough for her to understand at least the basic workings of the royal family and their public lives. Everything had to be curated carefully so they always appeared united and a stronghold in an otherwise small country.

There was a reason her initial injury had been downplayed so much and her second one had been hidden from the media entirely. There was a reason why her sister and Roan had to keep their relationship so secretive until the very last minute. There was a reason why Costia had broken up with her in the first place. There was a reason why she had kept Clarke so blind under the hood that she had – well, she'd gone and told someone before the administration could even wrap their heads around it, apparently.

"Clarke needed…a friend – she was in a very bad mental place, and she needed my help," Niylah further explain when Lexa remained quiet. "I can't tell you much about our conversation, but I can reassure you that I haven't told anyone anything."

Lexa didn't need to be a genius to know what Clarke and Niylah had talked about, considering they'd broken up only a couple of hours later. She clenched her jaw tighter and willed herself to continue sitting there, but shook her head in the end and struggled to grab for her cane and stand up, throwing a glare at the therapist when she tried to help.

She hobbled towards the door, but before heading out, she stiffly asked, "You signed an NDA, right?"

Niylah could only nod. Lexa nodded in return and hobbled right out, ignoring a bodyguard's offer of assistance as she sidled down the hallway. Passing a display cabinet, she paused and took a close look at one of the photos, where it clearly showed Niylah and Clarke wearing their mortarboards with their rolls in hands. She kind of wanted to smash the entire cabinet to the floor. She supposed she probably would have if it wasn't a familiar voice calling out to her.

"Lexa?"

She looked away from the photo and pushed down the swirling combination of frustration and ache in her chest to focus on the latest call for her attention. She blinked at the owner of the voice, her grip weakening on the cane.

"Huh," she whimpered.

Costia.

It was impossible to just get a drink at a café around the corner. Lexa had never been able to do that her whole life – not with Costia as her girlfriend, not with Clarke as her girlfriend, not as herself, and certainly not with Costia as the very famous ex-girlfriend who became the catalyst of Lexa's outing. There was really no other option but to get in the car with her ex-girlfriend and drive home.

Part of her wanted to wave and bid goodbye to the woman who broke her heart rather thoroughly years ago. Ultimately though, Lexa was raised to be polite, cordial, fit to be a princess, which she kind of threw out the window once she penned her name on the signup sheet. Plus, Lexa would have been a fool to not admit that she had wondered about Costia and where she had ended up after their inevitable breakup.

So to the palace they went.

The entire car ride was spent in silence. Back in the day, they would have taken advantage of it, allowing teen hormones to get the better of them and putting the driver in a highly uncomfortable mood. Back in the day, Lexa had never been afraid of silence with Costia Greene. Well, that was back in the day; Lexa had someone else in mind now, someone else who similarly no longer wanted her.

She couldn't help but smirk sardonically at the thought, getting a curious look from her ex-girlfriend, to which she only shook her head and turned her attention out the window. It was different to see the city from inside a car. Everything was so detached and…fast. She looked away when they passed by the park that she had frequented, knowing that they were close to the palace.

The driver rounded the fountain in front of the front door and opened the door for Lexa. She smiled gratefully at him as she got out, whispering to him to help Costia out of the car as well. Costia rounded the car and met up with her, still awkward as ever.

Lexa glanced at the building looming over them and briefly recalled Costia's relentless nervousness whenever she came by. She gestured at the east garden as the car started to pull away. "Wanna go for a walk?" she asked, first words she'd uttered since inviting Costia to return with her.

The relief spreading across Costia's face was answer enough, so off to the east garden they went. "It's been a long time, huh?"

"Seven years, give or take," Lexa replied with a small smile.

Costia hummed. "Seven years ago, you were the girl I was in love with," she started. Lexa was honestly a little surprised that she felt nothing save for a little nostalgia at the words. "And now, you're a veteran."

Lexa laughed slightly and tilted her head. "Heard about that, huh?"

"The whole country heard about it," Costia replied with a little laugh herself. "Though I have to admit I wasn't that surprised when I heard that you enlisted." Lexa made a noise of curiosity, and Costia shrugged in response. "I mean, you've always appeared to me a really restless person. There's no way you can just stay put and make do with bureaucracy and diplomacy that come with the title."

The princess blinked at Costia's…accurate assumption. Well, she supposed a couple of years of being in love with each other could only mean that they would always know each other. Speaking of knowing each other, Lexa asked, "So I guess you're a lawyer now?"

"About to make partnership."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"You're in therapy?"

"I can afford it."

Somehow, they ended up closing in on a gazebo. Not just any gazebo, apparently. The one where Costia had broken up with Lexa seven years ago. Together, they stopped and gazed up at it, undoubtedly having the memories return to them. Lexa could almost see the silhouettes of younger them, leaning on opposite banisters, Costia crying and Lexa stoic.

Earlier, at the clinic, she had been hesitant in reconnecting with Costia again, despite the other woman's request. But now, as she took in the gazebo that she realized she hadn't thought about since she met Clarke Griffin, it occurred to her that this wasn't so bad. Because all in all, Costia had been a good friend despite everything. A terrific friend, to be honest – Lexa's best friend in high school before they had started dating.

And this gazebo – this gazebo no longer hurt her heart. She didn't know what better testament there was other than this.

"I broke my leg," she confessed, tapping her cane on the ground a couple of times, refusing to look at the lawyer.

"I can tell."

"I got honorably discharged. Forever."

"That's kind of what it means."

"I'm now a full-time princess."

"Oh, Lexa, you're full-time a lot of things, but never a princess."

"I fell in love."

This time, Costia had nothing to say for a few moments, letting Lexa's confession hang in the air. The princess still didn't want to look at her ex-girlfriend, opting to hobble into the gazebo, gritting her teeth at the discomfort shooting up her muscles. Costia followed, and they leaned against opposite banisters, not unlike that time when they broke up.

"She cute?" Costia finally asked, wary and tentative in her question, but Lexa could tell it wasn't because she was jealous – they were long past that – it was more like she couldn't quite gauge what Lexa was trying to say when she admitted that her heart had been stolen.

Resting back against the banister to give her leg a brief moment of reprieve, Lexa looked at Costia but saw Clarke instead. More specifically, the Clarke that she first saw when she woke up in a rundown hospital room on the other side of the world, haggard and awkward and oh so mesmerizing.

Lexa was done for the moment she saw those blue eyes, she realized now. Sure, she might have been a little grumpy at the time, but she was done for. She couldn't quite understand why she had asked Clarke to stay with her that night, since she wasn't much of a people person and had always preferred to be by her lonesome, especially when she'd just realized that chances were high that she was going home and never coming back. She didn't even really understand it when she saw Clarke again six months later at the park.

And it was now, in front of the woman she once loved after the woman she currently loved had dumped her, that she realized why she had asked Clarke to stay with her that fateful night.

The veteran smiled and shrugged with a sheepish nod. "The cutest," she offered.

Costia's smile widened. She pushed away from the banister to make her to Lexa's side. She bumped their shoulders together and said, "It's good to see you again, Lexa."

"You know, I think I would have been a lawyer if I wasn't a princess."

Costia laughed and moved to wrap her arm around Lexa's shoulders. "Yes, I'm sure you would have."

Lexa leaned into her old friend's warmth and closed her eyes, sky blue clouding her vision. "It's good to see you again too, Costia."

See, there was nothing even remotely romantic about her and Costia's romp in the park. If there was any reunion, it was only between two old friends who hadn't seen each other in forever, and the truth was that Lexa had always liked the camaraderie between the two of them. Other than Anya and occasionally her father, no one really understood Lexa's personality like Costia did.

But of course, the public wouldn't take it that way. Polis Sentinel wouldn't take it that way, because that paper seemed to always have the nose of a hound whenever Costia was even remotely in her orbit. Honestly, she was even starting to forgive the paper for almost tearing her life apart all those years ago, and now they could kiss that forgiveness goodbye. She didn't hate media, per se, they were just doing their job, but Polis Sentinel was a different story.

"How did they even take the photos?" Lexa demanded, confronting her parents for the first time since she'd returned to palace. "I thought we have security in place. Heavy security. Is Gus the only one who does his job around here?"

"Lexa, watch it," Richmond warned, though even he himself looked a little miffed.

"They didn't," Lincoln cut in, holding up a hand as a gesture of placation at their parents. "Our security is tight." When he went quiet, she just raised her brows and widened her eyes, hoping to convey her lack of patience at having to be in this room and make Wells wait in the sitting room.

"It's one of the gardeners. Security found copies of the photos on her phone. She sold it to Sentinel to make some quick cash," Anya took over, scrolling through her phone and then showing the gardener's profile to Lexa. "We fired her. Mom and dad are thinking of suing her for violating her contract."

"Great, not even the palace is safe now," Lexa complained, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"This palace is always safe. It's your home," her mother insisted.

"It's not my home," Lexa shot off a little too quickly, only realizing the implication of her words once she spoke the last syllable.

She kept her eyes closed and her fingers on the bridge of her nose, feeling her hairs already rising from the way her family's staring at her intently; she pondered at her options, whether to be honest or lie, like she always did. But then she remembered her father imploring her to be honest with them all those months ago, her mother pretty much begging her to stay, her siblings bringing her breakfast at the crack ass of dawn – all these to show her they cared.

"My title took my home away," she decided, softly and tiredly.

There was the sound of someone shuffling and another sniffling. She opened her eyes to find that her mother's eyes were red and her father had left his seat to stand at the window. Behind her, Anya had her eyes closed and Lincoln was quietly shaking his head. She sighed and shrugged to herself – they asked her to be honest.

Storme opened her mouth, as if to continue protesting Lexa's claim, but she closed it again, like she'd decided against it – Lexa was sure that she was just delaying her speech for a better time, a time when Lexa didn't look like she was trapped whenever she was in the same room as the royal couple.

"Are you…and Costia…" Stormed drifted off, her eyes flitting around uncertainly.

Lexa heaved a sigh and stood up with the support of her care. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Who the hell do you take me for?" she spat out and swiveled on her feet, nearly toppling over but steadying herself as she walked out of her father's office.

"Seriously, mom?" she heard Anya muttered behind her as she as well as slammed the door closed.

She stood outside and ignored Rachel's hovering presence as she fished for her phone and exited the tabloid site that she'd seen first thing in the morning and nothing else. It had been a pretty hectic morning, where she didn't even get to sit by the poolside and watch the sunset. As soon as she saw the headline, she'd immediately woken her family up and forced them to convene with her in her parents' office. She hadn't seen or heard much else, being too distracted with the new intrusion in her life to really care.

So right now, knowing that her family had done what they could to curb the spread of the fire, though not much could be done now, she decided to get caught up. There were two missed calls from Costia, as expected, and Lexa would have called her back if it wasn't for the voicemail notification from…Clarke.

She frowned. Her eyes darted up to see Rachel for the first time, who froze at being looked at directly by a princess – honestly, it didn't seem like Rachel would ever stop fidgeting in the presence of the royal family; Lexa made a note to talk to Gustus about it. She looked back down at phone, and frowned deeper at the notification that seemed as real as the headline she saw this morning. Licking her lips, she put some distance between her and her assistant and proceeded to listen to the voicemail.

"Hi, Lexa," Clarke slurred. Was she drunk? "I'm – I'm making this call in the bathroom of The Ark." That was the newly opened club that Anya had mentioned that one time. Okay, so Clarke was drunk. "I don't know what I expected, but your voicemail is probably it." Clarke was so quiet for so long that Lexa had to check to see if the voicemail was still running. "I miss you, you know. I miss you so much," the doctor's voice had taken on a melancholic edge. "I know – I know it's unfair. I know. I'm the one who…" Clarke started hiccupping and sobbing at the same time, which sounded hideous, but Lexa stayed on, her jaw clenched and her heart dropping. "I hate you, Lexa Woods. I hate you for barging into my life and making me save you that night. And then you just took over everything and you didn't give them back." And then Clarke started chuckling bitterly, and Lexa thought about the love of her life hating her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying this. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, who am I kidding? I love you," she muttered.

"Clarke? Clarke, are you in there?" someone started shouting on the other end, accompanied with ferocious banging. Lexa recognized the voice as Raven, the woman who escorted her to an on-call room that time she visited the hospital. "Clarke, answer me."

"Shit," the blonde muttered. There was some shuffling and clicking noises. And then, "Raven, do you know how to delete a voicemail?"

"What?" More shuffling and tapping. "Oh fuck, Clarke, you didn't."

And the voicemail clicked off.

Gingerly, Lexa lowered the device from her ear and stared at the voicemail. The vitriol and drunken voicemail that pretty much simultaneously berated and adored Lexa within just five minutes. In her mind, there was a muffled picture of Clarke hiding in a club bathroom, phone sloppily held to her ear, makeup rundown and cheeks red.

Her finger hovered over the red button that would obliterate the voicemail to mountains of trashed data in the netherworld. A huge part of her wanted to just abandon her appointment with Wells and get in a car to drive in Clarke's direction. But things weren't that simple. Things were never simple in her life. They had broken up, and for good reasons, at that. Lexa had done enough.

But that didn't mean she couldn't be selfish. She saved the voicemail and hurriedly pocketed it before she turned around and started striding towards where Wells was waiting for her. If the voicemail was to be the only way she could ever listen to Clarke's voice again, she would take it to her grave.

i have a plan i swear - well, something looks vaguely like a plan. look it's not my best moment ok