A\N. I had a few reviewers asking to continue the one-shot story. What Am I Longing For. Hopefully, this wraps it up. So here it is with mostly Penny's point of view on why she doesn't want kids. Unlike the writers who refuse to give us any answers as to why Penny doesn't want kids. Enjoy.

Thoughts And Hopes

Penny was in bed lying in the dark away from the bedroom door, her default position when she had something on her mind. She knew Leonard would be home soon. Penny missed him. She had been lying in the same position for over an hour. Penny smiled to herself, and then the sadness in her heart returned. Leonard had been gone for over two weeks, and she'd spoken to him twice in that time. It was awkward as they just made small talk and avoided the subject of kids. Penny missed him so much and to make things worst she has not been feeling well the last week. She wished Leonard was here to hold her and ease her pain. At first, Penny put it down to picking up a cold from Bernadette's kids. She'd been spending a lot of time with Bernadette and her kids, playing the good aunt. Bernadette would always compliment her by saying what a good mother she would be someday hoping to get a reaction from Penny. Bernadette got none.

Penny felt nausea, fatigue, and the headaches were becoming discomforting. Bernadette advised Penny as a precaution to take a pregnancy test as all the symptoms could be due to her being pregnant. Penny couldn't understand how she could be pregnant; she had been on the pill for as long as she could remember. The thought of been pregnant scared her and going into labour was terrifying to her. Penny put off doing a pregnancy test and just brushed Bernadette's concerns aside hoping the symptoms will go away soon. As the pains got worse, and her period was late by two weeks. Penny put her fears aside and brought a pregnancy kit. It took her three days to have the courage to pee on the stick.

Penny recalled Leonard calling her two nights ago to tell he was coming home. He missed her and was miserable without her. She felt the same and was glad as she was having her husband back. She hopes things haven't changed between them because of her decision. Leonard was the best thing that has happened to her, and she didn't want to lose him. Penny smiled as she looked at the clock on the bed stand, Leonard should be home anytime soon. After Leonard called to say he was coming back, Penny knew she had to take the test, if it was positive, she could always have an abortion, but deep down she knew she could not do that to Leonard. If he ever found out, it will be the end of their marriage. She brushes that thought aside. Penny needed to fight and overcome her fears, or she may end up losing Leonard for good, losing Leonard scared her more than going into labour. Saving her marriage was a top priority.

Penny couldn't bring herself to look at the pregnancy stick that was on the bed stand. She didn't want to, and the thought of being pregnant brought back all her fears. Penny wanted to wait for Leonard to come home so they could check it together, but deep down that was just an excuse as she was scared of the result. She heard the front door click and knew he was home. Knowing Leonard, he will come looking for her. She didn't have to wait long. She heard him enter the bedroom and quietly got undressed, he snuggled into her, his cold semi-naked skin against her, sending a shiver through her body. She couldn't wait to make love to him pregnant or not, just as they did the night before he left.

"Hey you, are you awake?" He whispered into her ears. "I missed you."

"I'm now," She frowned. "I missed you too Leonard, please don't ever leave me again." Penny sobbed. Her emotions were kicking in.

"I'm sorry Penny you mean the world to me. I know I hurt you by going away. I promise I will never hurt you or leave you again."

"You promise," was all Penny could mutter between tears.

"With all my being, our hearts are one. l love you pen..."

Leonard spotted the pregnancy stick on the bed stand. "Huh, Penny, what's going on. Panic in his voice.

Penny shrugged her shoulder. "I don't know, I have been feeling sick lately and Bernadette suggested I might be pregnant." She couldn't look at him. She always felt terrible when she hurts him. He was up there with her dad as the most important person in her life.

"So, what does it say?" Leonard asked as his heart rate went up. He fumbled for his spare inhaler on his side of bed table drawer. But Penny beat him to it by handing him one that she kept on her side. She knew her husband well.

"Here you go," Penny handed him the inhaler. " she always kept a spare to keep her man safe. "I haven't looked at it yet; I was waiting for you," Penny said.

"Thank you. Oh, okay, Penny I don't understand." Leonard looked confused and asked. "Have you changed your mind, what if it's positive?" Leonard took a long puff from his inhaler.

"Not really, but I'm willing to keep the baby if it is positive. I've been thinking about kids the last few days, and the thought of something growing inside me doesn't feel so scary after all. Maybe it's my hormones."

"Penny, are you sure. The thought of becoming a parent is scary and scarier the older you became. You are going to miss your freedom."

"I know but what is important is you and me, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship." Penny snuggled into him.

"Me too, I have had time to think. I'm happy about your decision. I just wished we talked about your fear's years ago. I don't want to lose you. I love you too much to ever stop loving you." Leonard kissed the back of her neck.

"I love you too Leonard, losing you will end me. I'm sorry Leonard, I just thought, eventually you would stop hinting that we will get pregnant someday." Penny loved her life, and other fears were what if having a baby ruin all that. She had a great job she loved, was independent and carefree. Penny knew she was being selfish but didn't want to have a baby for the sake of it and resent the baby for her selfish reasons.

"Penny, please do not talk like that, I'm here for you, no matter what. I spoke to my sister, and she said not to push you. A lot of women are deciding they don't want kids because of the effect on their lives or bodies, or just not into kids. I'm happy and okay with you not wanting kids." Leonard said truthfully.

"Are sure about that, I don't want you hating me because I stopped you from being a father. Leonard."

Leonard empathises with Penny. " it's fine, I get it. I promise not to push you. I love you and can never hate you." Leonard said sincerely. "You are my everything, Penny."

"Oh, Leonard I feel I'm stopping you from having something you've always wanted."

"Well a baby will only get in the way, and our sex life could take a hit." Leonard joked.

"True, it is known that some woman temporary lose their sex drive and I don't want a baby to get in the way or stop us from doing it or having fun together. Whenever, wherever we want. I want my snuggle bunny with no interruptions; I mean that why we move away from the weird neighbours." Penny giggled and turned to face him and gave him a passionate kiss.

"Shall we." an out of breath Leonard said.

Penny nodded and handed him the stick. "Together, at the count of 3."

Leonard and Penny sat up on the side of the bed, held hands and began to count "1, 2 …."

"I can't look…"

"Come on Penny, stop being a baby. Baby get it." Leonard chuckled.

Yes, Leonard got it, not funny. So, what does it say?" Penny asked, rolling her eyes at his attempt humour.

"I didn't look. You said at the count of 3, we only got to 2."

Penny rolled her eyes again. "Huh, really Leonard,"

"Sorry, okay here we go. Leonard looked at the stick as Penny looks at him trying to read his expressions. Leonard looked at Penny, gave a half smile and simply said "Hmm,

It's negative."

They both tried to look relieved, but as it sank in Penny felt bad even though she kind of wished for this result. Something inside her was disappointed and hoped it was positive.

"I'm sorry Leonard." Penny sincerely said.

"It's okay; I don't want you getting pregnant for the wrong reasons. If you do, I want it to be a mutual decision." Leonard put his hand around Penny's shoulder to assure her everything is fine.

One month later

Recently Penny had been having recurring dreams in which she was in a large farmhouse and in the distance, she could see children playing in the fields. Every time she tried to get close to them, they ran away or disappeared. What did it mean Penny would wonder? Just before she wakes from her dream, she would hear Leonard's voice. "If I want to have children with anyone, it would be with you.

Penny would reply. "When I want to have children, it will be with you. Penny would wake up sweating and panting. Leonard just held her until she falls asleep again.

As the months went by Penny knew she was married to the absolute love of her life. Leonard was very supportive and loving, but she knew he wanted children someday, he was a great husband and would make a wonderful father. They both had a well-paid successful career that supported women and men with young families. They had purchased their first home in a great neighbourhood with an extra bedroom and a small yard.

The idea of being a mom was appealing more and more to Penny. She still had her fears, her big worry was not able to handle the pain from giving birth or the after-care, but she couldn't help thinking about babies. Everywhere she looked there was always something reminding her about motherhood, seeing mothers with their babies in coffee shops, in her favourite shops with their pushers. Penny felt overwhelmed, it was frustrating at first but the idea of having a baby didn't sound so bad after all. When she saw babies or toddlers, she couldn't help smiling as they were so cute. Leonard never pressured her as he promised and the subject never came up. But deep down, Penny knew she wanted a baby someday.

Penny didn't actually understand how much hard work a baby is, but had a feeling; it was a lot harder than just giving birth. Bernadette had told her scary tales one after another. Bernadette also assured her that she might be surprised how relaxing and fun it is to have a baby and will love that child no matter what. There was a chance of depression after given birth, but most first-time mothers are happy with the support from family and friends. Penny was slowly beginning to take control of her fears. Penny could now see kids in her and Leonard's future.