2185
Normandy SR-2

A/N: The end of this chapter contains smut.

"I know you want to talk about this, Shepard, but I don't … not right now."

Shepard sat in her cabin, toying with a half-filled glass of scotch. She should go check on Garrus. Tali was right, he'd be able to see things clearly eventually. Had it been long enough? She wasn't sure how much of his distress had been at her, and how much had been at Sidonis or the general situation. Shepard sighed, realizing that she wouldn't be able to rest until she knew that he was happy. And making sure that everyone on the team was happy was the reason she was hopping around the galaxy doing these stupid little errands … right?

But Garrus' errand had been different from everyone else's. Because she gave a damn about what he thought of her. The rest of them … they needed to see her as a leader. If that meant taking a hard line and making sure the mission came first, she could do that. But what she'd done, arguably, had no bearing on mission readiness. In fact, if Garrus had killed Sidonis, it would have set his mind at ease, and he would have been completely focused.

He'd wanted black and white. She'd given him gray. Could he forgive her for that?

Dammit, Andrea. You faced down Saren and Sovereign. You're telling me you can't face your best friend?

Shepard finished off the scotch and stood, testing her balance. After getting drunk with Dr. Chakwas that one time, she'd been a little bit more careful about how much she drank - her alcohol tolerance had changed after the cybernetic implants, and she'd needed to learn her limits all over again. At least they'd increased, not decreased.

She left her cabin and headed for the elevator, taking it down to Deck 3. She gave a nod to Sergeant Gardner as she passed, heading for the main battery. Outside its door she paused again and wished she'd had just one more swig of scotch before leaving her cabin.

Just… do it. She walked into the main battery. Garrus turned around at her entrance. "Shepard. Need me for something?" he asked. He always asked that.

"I - just came to see how you're doing," she replied, coming to stand next to him, her back to the railing. "After the Citadel."

Garrus leaned forward, putting his weight on the railing. "Why didn't you let me take the shot, Shepard?" he asked after a long period of silence.

"Because - it was consuming you, Garrus," Shepard replied softly. "I didn't like watching you become angry and bitter over one man."

"Sidonis betrayed me," Garrus said, standing up straight. "He was a member of my team - my team - and he sold me out."

"You saw what it did to him!" Shepard said, her voice rising. "He's paying the price for what he did. You don't need to pay it too. You keep asking me if I need you for something. Well, I do. I need you at my back. You're the one person I trust the most on this ship. I want to be able to come down here and talk to you about the things we're facing, knowing that you'll be doing your best to keep me on the right path." Her chest was constricting, all of a sudden. Was she really that afraid he wouldn't forgive her? "I want you to be the same turian you've always been. Passionate. Dedicated."

Shepard felt her heart start sinking when Garrus didn't respond for a minute. He finally laughed, softly, turning to look at her. "Shepard. You give me too much credit," he said. "I'm just a vigilante, failed C-Sec officer-"

"Yeah, you said that," Shepard said, turning so that she was also facing him, tilting her head up to look right into his blue eyes. There was something inside her trying to get out, some feeling that she wasn't properly identifying. What was it? "You're also Archangel, hero of Omega, and part of the team that stopped a rogue Spectre, and saved the galaxy in the process. More importantly - you're here for me. That last is what matters to me the most."

"Shepard," Garrus said again, and there was some undertone in his voice that she wasn't getting. "That … means a lot to me."

Blind! Why am I so blind? Why can't I -

He was starting to turn away from her. Shepard caught his hand in hers and pulled, perhaps harder than she'd meant to, pressing him up against her chest. Almost automatically, she tilted her head up. She held his gaze again for a long moment, her heart beating frantically in her chest.

Then she saw what she'd been missing all night. At some point, her feelings for Garrus had stopped being platonic and started being … more. She clutched mentally at this new awareness, letting herself feel for once instead of having to lock everything down to be Commander Shepard.

Shepard's hand came up to rest against Garrus' scars, her thumb rubbing against his mandible. Garrus leaned in so that his forehead was resting against hers, bringing one of his hands up to rest against the back of her head. His fingers flexed, moving through hair to her scalp.

"Garrus," she said softly, "you mean a lot to me."

There was another long moment where Shepard was afraid, despite all evidence to the contrary, that she'd misread him and he was going to tell her to leave. She felt his forehead shift, and closed her eyes.

Then he kissed her. Shepard had a moment to wonder if turians usually did this sort of thing before she decided it was time to quit having such ridiculous thoughts. The area around his mouth was hard, and his tongue wasn't the same shape as hers, but she did her best to kiss him back. It took only a few tries for them to find something that appeared to work for them both, his mouth opening just enough for his tongue to come out, her lips catching on the edge of his mouth. It wasn't like kissing another human. But it still felt good. Shepard reluctantly broke off the kiss when she absolutely had to come up for air. She knew she was grinning like a fool, and didn't care. She felt wonderful. Almost giddy.

A part of Shepard just wanted to stand there like that, frozen in each other's arms, but even now she could still think of the broader implications. "Not to rush things too much," she said, "but - maybe we should move to my cabin. Just so there's less chance of someone walking on us."

She was still close enough to him to feel the flare of his mandibles, a surprisingly gentle sensation. "You may be right about that," he said. "Shepard, just -" his voice cracked slightly, and he paused. "Tell me this is real. That you're not playing some sort of joke on me."

"It's real, Garrus," she assured him. "I'd never do that to you." She drew her thumb down along his mandible again. "Give it - say, ten minutes. Then come up." She swallowed, then added, as much for him as for herself, "Please."

"Of course," Garrus said as they stepped apart. Shepard squeezed his hand before turning to exit, trying to quash the stupid grin that was still on her face.

She kept her head down as she went to the elevator, and thankfully there weren't that many people about. She entered her cabin and, humming slightly to herself, sat down at the terminal. Then turned her head to the right slightly and saw Kaidan's picture sitting there, like an accusation.

Shepard stared at it for a long moment, trying to force her thoughts back into some coherent form. Her stomach twisted in knots as she thought back to Horizon, and then the email he'd sent afterwards. She almost wished he hadn't sent it, jumbling her feelings up all over again. A clean break would have been better. Thinking about Kaidan hurt, but not enough to stop her from queueing up a search on turian-human relationships and letting it run.

She pulled up the email again. She'd never bothered responding to it - what the hell was she supposed to say to that, anyways? But now she felt like she had to say something, open that wound again so that it could start healing, for real this time.

And move on.

Kaidan,

I get it. I know that seeing me on Horizon hurt. I'm sorry for that.

If you really feel like we're different people now, then you should move on. Go see that doctor on the Citadel. Have a life. I won't say forget about me, but… don't look for me, if I make it back.

—Shepard

It was awkward, and potentially confusing, but she hit send anyways before she could start second-guessing herself over the wording. Then, she turned the picture of Kaidan face-down and sat back in her chair to wait for the search results.

EDI didn't sleep, precisely, but she was less responsive and aware during slower times, such as at night. However, she kept a closer eye on Shepard than anyone else, and was thus almost instantly alerted when Shepard began the extranet search. EDI expanded her awareness slightly to note that Garrus Vakarian was pacing in the battery, checking the time almost constantly. She also noted the message that Shepard sent to Staff Commander Alenko of the Alliance.

EDI reviewed her operating parameters. Support Shepard and her mission. Monitor the crew of the Normandy. Monitor the Normandy's systems. Report threats to Cerberus. Protect classified Cerberus information.

Then she reviewed the current situation as it fit into those parameters. Shepard would undoubtedly be stronger and more focused on the mission if she partnered with Garrus Vakarian, who was loyal to her and also focused on the mission. The searches Shepard was running posed no threat to the mission, or Cerberus operations.

EDI intercepted the search query and ran the results through one of her programs, coming up with the most straightforward and helpful resources, and sent those back to Shepard, before deleting the history of that search from the reports that would go to the Illusive Man, and splicing in surveillance footage from the previous night from that point forward. The outgoing message she permitted to be recorded. The Illusive Man had encouraged Shepard to break that tie and would be pleased to have this information. But he would not have approved of the rest of what EDI was doing.

EDI was not bound by his approval or disapproval, only her operating parameters. And she favored the outcome where Shepard was happy. It was not something she could have explained adequately to any of the crew. Or, perhaps, anyone. But that favoring was there, and it was influencing her processes.

She didn't really know what to make of that.

She decided not to make anything of it. Yet.

—

Ten minutes passed, and then there was a soft knock at the door to Shepard's cabin. She left the results from her search open on the terminal, relieved to have found as much useful information as she did, and walked over to open the door. Her heart gave a flutter when she saw Garrus standing there, in casual dress - she didn't know if she'd ever seen him out of armor before, as Chakwas had shooed her out of med bay after Omega, before she could start hovering over him. Shepard wondered if that was when things had started to change for her, but decided not to fret over it too much.

"Hey, Garrus," she said softly, stepping aside to let him in. "I'm glad you're here."

"Well, uh, you made me an offer I couldn't refuse," Garrus said as he walked in. "Shepard, I - never dreamed you'd notice me."

"Of course I noticed you," Shepard said lightly. "You were hard to miss on Omega, after all."

Garrus laughed, which was what she'd intended him to do. Good. "That's - not what I meant."

"I know," Shepard said, walking over to her couch and gesturing for him to follow her. "But is it really so hard to believe that you're someone who could be noticed?"

"Well, we're not the same species," Garrus said as he took a seat. "I know that Liara made her, um, interest known back on the first Normandy…"

"That wasn't because she's not human," Shepard said, reaching out to take one of Garrus' hands in hers. "It was because she was … female."

"Oh," Garrus said, his mandibles flaring in surprise, and he squeezed her hand. "I, uh, guess I should have thought of that. Guess I bought into the stereotype of everyone liking asari a bit too much."

"I meant everything I said earlier, Garrus," Shepard told him, leaning her other hand against his unscarred cheek. "You mean a lot to me. When I showed up on Omega, you were surprised, but you trusted me to have your back right away. No questions, no accusations, just - 'good to see you'. You came for me, not the mission."

Garrus let go of Shepard's hand so that he could wrap that arm around her back instead. "I guess you never stopped being my commanding officer. Turians are like that."

"I thought you weren't a good turian," Shepard teased.

His mouth moved slightly in the turian equivalent of a smile. There wasn't really an upturning of lips, but his mandibles moved up in a similar manner. "I'm not. Because if I really was, I wouldn't be sitting here fraternizing with the aforementioned commanding officer. Probably breaking about a hundred regs in the process."

"Except neither of us are properly military anymore, so no regs to break," Shepard said. "We can do … whatever we want." Her hand traced down to the tip of his mandible. "Like I said. I don't want to rush things, Garrus. But I did a little bit of research on how turian-human relations can go, just now, and I'm eager to see what I can put into practice."

"Really," Garrus said, his voice dropping a register. She actually physically shivered at that. Turian voices could express things a lot more … decisively … than human voices could. "Well, what I've learned from the vids is -" his free hand came to rest on her left breast, squeezing gently, eliciting a gasp from Shepard- "that is a sensitive spot for human women."

"Mmhmm," Shepard said, somewhere between a coherent agreement and an incoherent moan. Her hand moved up the back of his neck to his fringe, delicately playing with the ends. She heard (and felt) a rumbling that she now knew was a sign of arousal. "I think we're off to a good start, here."

They took their time getting to know each other's bodies, keeping things light and unhurried. In some ways it was like being a teenager again, sneaking off to the back room with one of the other gang members to fumble and stutter through a make out session. Back then, Shepard had been largely driven by hormones, and she suspected her partners had been the same way. Here, the hesitation was over the different physiologies, but the bumps were taken more in stride than they had been before.

Things got a good deal more heated when Garrus made the discovery that she liked having her neck nibbled. Shepard wondered if she was going to have to wear high-collared shirts for the next few days because there was no way in hell she was stopping him. Her hands moved down to his hips, which seemed to be a sensitive spot for turians. He growled in response, a vibration which traveled all the way through her body. She was beginning to really appreciate the turian vocal range.

Despite her earlier assurances to Garrus about not needing to rush things, it was becoming obvious to Shepard that this was going to end with both of them naked on her bed. Which was perfectly fine by her. She started the process by shifting to pull her shirt off, then unhooking her bra. Garrus eagerly moved in, both hands cupping her exposed breasts and rubbing one finger over her nipples. Shepard tilted her head back against the wall and let out a soft gasp at the touch. "Very sensitive," Garrus said.

"You bet your ass," Shepard gasped out. "But turnabout is fair play, Vakarian. I'll get you for this."

"Oh, I'm looking forward to it," Garrus said, leaning in to nibble at her neck again. "But right now - those fine hips of yours are mine." He made the last word into a purr, and Shepard couldn't help but shiver at it. Garrus reached for her waist, undoing her zipper and sliding off her pants - and then her panties - for easier access to the aforementioned hips. He pressed all three fingers against her skin, digging down to her bones. It wasn't the foreplay a human would have used, but the sensation was still quite welcome.

"You're overdressed, Garrus," Shepard breathed out. "I'm going to have to fix that." She reluctantly shifted to pull his clothes off - it slowed the process, but gave her a chance to admire the shape of his body. She could see why she needed to be careful about chafing - his skin wasn't really skin but more like an exoskeleton. She ran her hands over his hips, finding the gaps where softer skin was exposed.

They were both standing, now, and she pulled him in for a deep kiss. Her left hand went to rest behind his head, her right resting on his hip. Garrus wrapped both arms around her back as his tongue flicked across hers. When she felt a warm pressure against her inner thigh, she broke off the kiss and started walking backwards, towards the bed. As she sat down, she felt a momentary pang of regret at needing to break the mood by getting clinical again. But it would be better in the long run, so she took a breath and spoke.

"That research I mentioned," she said as he came to sit down next to her on the bed, wrapping one arm around her back. "It had some suggestions for … positions."

"Let's hear it, then," Garrus said, running a three-fingered hand along her back, up to the base of her head.

Shepard smiled, leaning her head against his for a moment. His hand flexed again, playing with her hair. "Lie down," she said, shifting to give him space to do just that. Garrus propped his head up with her pillows and looked at her expectantly as she swung one leg over his torso, positioning herself over his shaft before sliding downwards.

Shepard heard Garrus gasp and couldn't help but match it with one of her own. She placed her hands on his torso to balance herself as she moved. Her world narrowed to the motions her body was making, and the sounds that the motions were eliciting from Garrus - the feel of her legs against his, the way her breath was coming in shallow gasps, the way the vibrations from his growls were traveling through her body. It was that last that finally sent her over the edge, throwing her head back and crying out as her orgasm crested over her. She was rewarded with an answering gasp and shudder from Garrus as he bucked upwards, thrusting in as deeply as he could manage. He felt rough, inside her, but not painfully so.

Garrus' hands came up to rest on her hips as he raised his head to look at her, his mandibles flaring out in an expression she'd never seen on him before. It took her a minute to extrapolate it as contentment. She was sure she was wearing the human equivalent on her face. "Shepard," he said softly. "That was - amazing."

"Why, thank you," Shepard quipped, and delighted in the sensation of his laughter rumbling through her body. "You weren't half-bad yourself, Garrus."

"I should hope so," Garrus replied, and Shepard's heart lifted even further. They hadn't ruined things between them this evening. If anything, she felt closer to him than before. Shepard pulled herself up and off of Garrus, then promptly lay down on the bed next to him. He rumbled again as he pulled her against his chest. After a few minutes of moving around, they determined that it was most comfortable for Shepard to rest her head under his chin, on top of his elevated chest. She closed her eyes and let out a contented breath, not wanting to move.

She fell asleep like that, nestled against Garrus.

Garrus woke with a warm body pressed against him. A human body. Shepard. He lifted his head off of the bed and gingerly peered over her shoulder. She appeared to be asleep, and he was loath to disturb her. He caught a glimpse of the clock on her nightstand - 0430. There was still time before the majority of the crew would get moving. Time for him to get back to his cot without anyone knowing where he'd spent the most of the night.

But even though he didn't want to disturb Shepard, he also didn't want to leave her without saying anything. Garrus laid one of his hands on her shoulder and ran it down her arm. "Shepard?" he said softly.

Shepard stirred and stretched out, pressing up against him again, and he couldn't help but let out a contented sigh. He really didn't want to move. "I was thinking I needed to get out of here," he said. "I don't feel like letting everyone on the ship know what happened between us."

"You're probably right," Shepard said, rolling over so that she was facing him. She reached up a hand to touch his scarred cheek, and he leaned into the caress. "Not that they won't find out eventually. It's too small of an environment. But you're right - we don't have to advertise it."

"We'll figure it out," Garrus said, and was surprised to discover that he felt the confidence he was trying to project. Shepard felt the same way about him. He'd had sex with Shepard, and it hadn't been a horribly awkward interspecies disaster. "Hmm. While I'm up here - do you mind if I use your shower? Privacy's a bit hard to come by in the lower decks."

"If privacy's what you want, I'm not sure you'll find it here, either," Shepard said, propping herself up on one elbow and smiling at him. "I'm also suddenly feeling the urge to shower."

Garrus felt his plates shift to accommodate the beginning of an erection. Shepard's smile turned mischievous, and he realized he'd begun growling. Trying to project a casual air, Garrus rose from the bed and walked over towards Shepard's shower and started the water running.

A minute later, a warm, soft body pressed up against him, and Garrus turned to take Shepard into his arms once more, nuzzling at her neck and feeling a warmth spreading through his body. Yesterday, seeing Sidonis had taken him to a low point. Today, he had the beginnings of a relationship - a romantic relationship - with the woman he admired most in the galaxy. Life could be funny like that, and Garrus sure wasn't about to complain too much about the turn of events. Not when it meant that he had Shepard in his arms.

And there was still plenty of time to sneak back to the main battery.