Thank you so much for all the reviews, I hurried on this update because of you amazing readers. Please do let me know what you think and again thank you so much for reading.

Sam spun on his heels, turning to face Dean. "If you needed to know, I would have told you a long time ago. It's in the past Dean and I am over it so stop bringing it all back." Sam sighed, and he looked exhausted

Sam turned to head inside and Dean was reminded of another time he couldn't help his brother

"Sam?" Dean knocked on the door of their shared bedroom in the crappy apartment. Sam had to have heard them come back from the hunt. Maybe puberty was kicking in on his brothers alone time (hence the cautious knocking)

"I'm here" a muffled voice came back from behind the door. Dean took this as a sign to come inside, closing the bedroom door behind them. Sam sat in the middle of the bed, legs crossed. He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, his eyes looked more than tired. They looked dead. An assortment of weapons circled Sam, all the weapons that weren't taken on the hunt lay spread out. Knives and gones glinting in the dimly lit room. "Whatcha doing Sam?" Dean felt panic rise at the sight but Sam's calm expression quelled it. He sat on the edge of the bed, picking up one of the weapons.

"Celaning, Dad told me to clean them all while you were gone, why he left so many behind." Sam stated, voice hollow.

Dean frowned, raising a hand instinctively to his brother's forehead. It was a little warm. "He'll be upset that you're not finished. You sick?"

"I know" Sam didn't answer the second question but just picked up the next gun and began unassembling it.

"Tell you what Sammy, I'll distract him, tell him you're not feeling well and are sleeping." Dean gave a reassuring smile. "That should give you some time."

"Thanks De" Dean was surprised at the childhood nickname, but didn't question it.

"Anytime kiddo." Dean ruffled Sam's hair and headed out to 'distract' their father (which really meant getting him buzzed so he fell asleep quickly.) He couldn't quell the uneasy feeling he had in his stomach.

The 'small room' turned out to be an entire detached suite, far better than anything they had stayed at in a long time. Two separate bedrooms and a fairly sizable kitchen. Dean looks around, astonished at the 5 star status (likely closer than 3 but not compared to the average dwellings they were used to) "this, this I could get used to." Dean breathed

Sam didn't say anything, just unloaded their supplies and started with the salt lines.

"Hey Sam?"

His brother still didn't respond, but gave him a short look to show he was listening.

"You know that Zanna that you befriended?"

Sam shrugged

"Wasn't that around the time we lived here?" Dean slipped into one of the kitchen chairs and looked over at Sam, brain reeling.

"It was a long time ago Dean, I don't remember exactly when it happened."

"I do" Dean insisted "I remember you started talking about him after that hunt with Dad."

Sam looked annoyed. He set the salt on the table and looked at his brother. "Why are you so interested in it?"

"Well, Zanna doesn't show up for no reason. There's normally something that triggers it." Dean pondered

"Yeah" Sam almost growled at him "You and Dad left me alone for two weeks." Dean felt the stab of guilt in his gut "Now I thought we agreed to drop this Dean."

"What is it that you can't tell me? What did you do that was so terrible?" Sam stood, and Dean stood as well, faces feet apart.

The red hot anger flooded Sam's face and Dean swore he saw tears in his brother's eyes. Without a word Sam spun and slipped out the door, slamming it on his way out. Dean sighed, sinking back into his chair. At least he had a lead now, if he couldn't get Sam to tell him what was going on he would find it out from someone else.

It took around 5 hours for Bobby and Dean to figure out how to summon a Zanna, which turned out to be more like politely asking, and Dean hoped it worked. It was around 3am that Dean decided to go find his brother and with one last prodding from Bobby, get him to try and fess up on his own. Dean threw on his coat and headed out into the chilly darkness.

Had it not been for the high quality tracking systems they both had installed on their phones there was no chance Dean would have been able to find his brother. Sam had climbed up a massive butte that overlooked the town. Dean was out of breath by the time he reached the top, arms tired from the rock climbing adventure. He saw Sam, sitting near the edge, overlooking the lights of the town.

"Hey Dean" Sam spoke without looking, and Dean sat down next to him, still panting.

"Do me a favor, next time you need some me-time don't do it on top of a friggin mountain." Dean breathed and Sam passed him a beer which he happily took, though looked a bit concerned as he noticed the several empty cans lying around them. Hopefully from previous climbers and not Sam. Dean sighed and flopped on his back, hands outstretched, watching his chest rise and fall as oxygen coated his lungs.

"You didn't have to come find me." Sam smiled softly, clearly touched at his brothers display

"Sure, whatever Bitch." Dean rolled on his side and took a swig of his beer. It was cold, and perfect.

"Jerk" Sam spoke, looking back over the town.

"I'm sorry I left you Sammy, on that hunt, you shouldn't have been left alone and I should have pushed Dad harder." Dean sat up, looking sincerely at his brother.

Sam shrugged "I know how Dad is, not much you could have done."

"Still." Dean studied his brother. Sam looked young in the moonlight, like a teenager, but worn, like the town had been sucking his soul out ever since they showed up.

"I don't blame you Dean." Sam spoke softly, and Dean had to lean closer to hear.

"Blame me for what Sammy?" Dean copied his brother's soft voice.

"My mistakes, my choices, those are on me." Sam stood, pacing the top of the flat mountain

"What would those be?" Dean stood, straining to hear every word.

"I couldn't stop it." Sam reached a hand through his hair, stepping backwards.

"Stop what Sammy?" Dean spoke gently, following.

"The Demon." Sam turned towards Dean, a sad smiling playing on his lips.

"What Demon Sammy?" Dean thought hard about the town, there had been no sign of demonic activity.

"Shouldn't say." Sam began pacing again, hands buried in his hair, tugging at the ends. "I shouldn't say, can't say." He mumbled to himself and Dean caught the sight of devastation in his face.

"Sammy.. Hey Sammy.." Dean's voice broke, this was new. This wasn't normal sad Sam, or normal broken Sam, or hyped up on demon blood Sam. thi wasn't even 'Jess died' Sam. This was a new Sam. How was he supposed to fix this Sam?

Sam continued to mumble to himself, pacing further and further away from Dean.

"Hey Sammy?" Dean took a careful step forward, hands open in a non-threatening display

"I can't" Sam almost howled, backing away at the sight of his brother. "I can't, I can't"

"Okay, Okay" Dean froze, panic rising "It's okay." he forced his words to remain calm.

Sam continued shaking his head and his entire body seemed to shake with it. His feet stumbling over each other.

Dean's panic rose further and Dean clawed his nails into his fists in an attempt to remain calm. "Wanna come back over here bro? Figure this out together?" Dean's voice was casual.

Sam didn't seem to hear him, almost doubling over himself, hands pulling at his hair. "It's my fault." He breathed. "My fault."

"SAMMY!" Dean screamed, launching forwarded

That moment of shock that swept through Sam was the split second Dean needed to grab his brother by the collar, flinging him away from the edge of the cliff, the momentum flinging himself off the ledge Sam had been faltering on moments before, and down into the darkness.

Dean failed, hands reaching out on instinct, trying to grasp some sort of hold on the cliffside. His fingers scraped and clawed against the fast moving stone and dirt and it was only through the years of honing his hunter skills and reflexes that he caught a ledge, his arm garring as his body came to the quick and painful stop.

"Dean?" He heard the shout from above. 'Please don't follow me' Dean thought

"I'm fine Sam" A small part of his brain was relieved that his brother sounded normal. Panicked but normal panic not 'demon induced memory panic' The rest of his brain was trying to assess the situation at hand.

'Up or down?' The thought of a panicked Sam at the top of a cliff made that choice and Dean began his slow ascent back to the top of the cliff. His hands were wet and Dean knew that they had to be busted up pretty bad but the adrenaline was stalling the pain, which he was thankful for. The climb up would have been much easier if it wasn't so damn dark, and Dean prayed he didn't grab any sort of creepy crawly instead of a rock.

"I'm on my way up Sam." He called into the darkness, concern rising as he didn't hear any response. He climbed faster.

"Sam?" He yelled, as his arms pulled his body up the cliff edge. Sam was in the middle of the butte, thankfully away from any edges, a hunched over ball, hands wrapped tightly around his head.

"I can't" Sam was whispering, mumbling to himself on repeat "I can't, I can't."

Dean put his hands on Sam's shoulders, lifting his head up to stare into his panic filled eyes. "You can't what Sammy?" He asked softly.

Tears streaked down Sam's face, his whole body shook but he didn't turn away, instead he seemed to latch onto Dean's presence "I can't stop it." His voice was hoarse. Sam grabbed Dean's shirt, holding tight. "We need to get down Dean, we need to get down now."

"Okay." Dean put his hand over Sam's "okay yeah, lets go."

Dean pulled his brother to their feet as Dean felt relief flood him as Sam showed him an alternative path that did not require any rock climbing, just careful trail navigation. Dean held tight to some part of the shaking Sam the whole way down, and by the time they reached the bottom it was Sam having to hold tight to Dean as the adrenaline wore off and Dean was flooded with shakes and aches. Still, no way was he letting Sam drive.

Sam sat, hands held tightly together. Almost like he dared to breathe. Dean started up the engine and it wasn't long before they pulled up to the small house. Dean helped Sam to the door, and Sam seemed 'gone' eyes distant and moving only on the cues of his brother. As soon as they entered the house Sam took control and slipped into the bathroom. Dean wanted to go after him but forced himself to remain reasonable. The bathroom was not the enemy here. He relaxed slightly as he heard the shower turn on.

Dean found the first aid kit in the duffle and headed into the kitchen to get to work on his shredded hands, and to find some much needed answers.

Dean stumbled through the summoning, cringing as he washed the grit from his raw skin, pebbles and dirt flowing down the drain.

"Oh wow"

Dean turned to see Sully, the overweight slightly bald 'pull my finger' Zanna standing in the corner, hand over his mouth. Dean then noticed the fair amount of blood around the kitchen, he must not have been paying a lot of attention to where his hands were grabbing things.

"Sorry" He grabbed a cloth and whipped up the red. Sully grew more pale at the look of Deans hands. "Aw crap" Dean grabbed one of the nice kitchen towels and made a quick bandage out of it, promising himself to buy Alice a new one.

"Sam okay?" Sully asked, trying to keep his eyes from the mess. Dean sighed and motioned for Sully to take a seat.

"He's in the shower. Actually Sully, I called you here because of Sam."

Sully stood from mid lower, concern over his face. "Did something happen to Sam?"

"Yah" Dean nodded, taking Sully's shoulder and encouraging the man to sit. "Yah, about 20 years ago, Do you remember Sully? It was right about when you befriended him."

Dean sat across from Sully and it was obvious by the Zannas expression that yes, Sully did remember something. "I would never forget" The voice was uncharacteristically hollow

"Sully you need to tell me." Dean insisted, leaning forward. "I have to know."

Sully shook his head. "It's not my secret to tell Dean. Sam needs to be the one-"

"Damnit Sully" Dean growled "I have tried over and over, Sam's trap is shut and he almost died today Sully. WHatever it is, being back in Idaho, it's killing him."

"You took him back here?" Sully blinked. "Why would you ever make him go back?"

"There was a case, Sam said it was okay. Sully, common man, you need to help me out." Dean was surprised at how desperate his own voice sounded.

"I wasn't with him" Sully spoke softly. "Not like that, I was watching him. Sammy, he was under observation to see if he needed help. He probably did before, but there was no doubt about it afterwards." Sully sighed "Sammy doesn't know that I saw the whole thing, but he did tell me about it as well."

"Good, tell me." Dean pleaded.

"I'm surprised Sam never told you, but I guess that's just like him. Still Dean, I can't tell you his secret."

"Sully" Dean almost shouted. "He is dying in there." Dean pointed towards the bathroom. "He is freaking dying and all I can do is stand by and watch. I can help him. I know I can help him but he just won't let me in. Please Sully"

"Let me go Dean '' Sully said, his words in a strangely calm manor and Dean looked down to see he had grabbed the Zanna by the collar and was holding him now up against a wall, the chairs knocked over in the process.

"Sorry" Dean breathed, instantly releasing his hold on the Zanna who dropped the couple inches to the floor. Dean slipped his chair back over and sold over it, a hand washing down his face. "Sorry… I just" Dean felt his voice break in a dry sob.

"Okay," Zanna said "But only because I think it's best for Sam." Sully put his own chair upright.

"What?" Dean looked up, studying Zanna. Sully had a calm expression on his face.

"I can take you back, let you relive my memories-"

"Show me." Dean interrupted "please."

Sully nodded "Okay Dean, but these are memories You can't change anything. This has already happened to Sam."

Dean nodded in understanding and Sully placed a finger on Dean's forehead, and Dean was slammed through a wall of colors and sound and wind whipping past his face and he found himself sitting in the back of the impala, a young Sam sitting in the passenger's seat ahead of him. They were driving down the road

"Sam" Dean breathed, but his voice was overpowered

"I'm not leaving you home alone every afternoon." Dean turned to see his father, and his breath caught at the familiar sight.

"Then take me with you, or let me stay with Dean. I don't need a babysitter" The 10 year old protested, crossing his arms.

"I am not taking you anywhere near this hunt." John was stern.

"Dean-"

"Dean is doing some undercover research Sammy, not hanging out at the library. You will stay with Pastor Mark Henry, he's a good man and Pastor Jim recommends him highly."

"Dad-"

"This is not a discussion Sam!" Their Dad was stern and even Sam knew better than to continue the conversation.

The young man continued to pout, hsi face scrunched up in a way that made Dean laugh. He had missed this kind of Sam.

Dean watched Sam get out of the car and introduce himself to the Pastor, sullen but polite. John greeted the pastor and left shortly after, leaving Sam alone with the stranger.

"Hey Sam, I hear you're pretty smart." Pastor Haris smiled, bending over so they were eye level.

"I guess" Sam shrugged.

"We have a pretty nice computer, have you used one before?" The man hit Sam's weak spot and Sam's head shot up, a smile on his lips.

"Only once, in school." Sam breathed as if the thought itself was dreamy

"I can show you a few tricks if you would like." Bingo

"Yes please, I mean thank you Sir. I would very much like that." Sam looked like it was christmas.

The pastor laughed and stood, and Dean watched as time seemed to swirl around him, days passing. He watched Sam on the computer, the Pastor leaning over to point out something. Sam on the office chair, reading some book from the library. He watched Sam help the pastor with various tasks like setting up chairs. Sam went from being quiet and shy to smiling, happy, laughing in nearly every scene. He watched the pastor help with Sam's homework and even go beyond to explain new concepts especially in math and english. Talking in depth about the latest english book Sam was reading, Dean felt a pang of guilt watching this man do the things he normally reserved in his brother's life.

It wasn't long before Sam was talking about everything to the pastor, which included his big brother.

"He's so cool" Sam beamed, licking a popsicle (A special treat Dad would never buy)

"How so?" The pastor asked, sitting next to Sam outside the church steps.

"He uh," Sam thought for a moment "He's great at hunting, you know, Deer and things."

"I know about Sam's life." The pastor smiled, "No secrets from me here."

"You do?" Sam looked up with eyes wide.

"Sure do, why don't you tell me the real story about what Dean did that was so cool."

Sam grinned, a sticky syrupy drop landing on his hand. "Dean went on a hunt and…" The conversation faded out and Dean couldn't stop the fuzzy feelings of pride. Even when he had abandoned Sam, Sam still felt that way about him. He was so undeserving, when did Sam stop looking at him with such amazed eyes?

Dean felt himself being pulled from the Deam state and slammed back into reality, his head reeling.

"Dean? Dean are you okay?"

Dean looked to find a very awake, very wet, and very worried Sam looking at him. It took a moment to remember he was in the kitchen, and the towel he had been using was now pretty soaked with blood.

"Shit" He mumbled, untangling the cloth. "Must have dozed off."

"Passed out is more like it." Sam stood up, eyebrows furrowed. "Need a hospital? Those look pretty terrible." He gestured to the hands

Dean shrugged, wobbling back towards the sink, Sam quickly by his side. "Naw, I've got it." He hissed as the cold water ran down.

"Let's get you fixed up, you're probably in shock." Sam was always so logical about these things.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked, and turned to look at Sam, ignoring the running sink for a moment. "Sam? Are you feeling okay?

"Yah" Sam answered, and Dean recognised the honesty in his voice. "Yeah, I'm doing okay. Shower helped. I'm not sure what came over me but my head's all clear now."

"Hey, how about we blow this town?" Dean asked

"What about the hunt?" Sam looked surprised.

"Screw the hunt, I"ll call Bobby and get someone else to check it out. You and me and the beach is all I need right now."

Sam smiled a bit. "Yeah, yeah that sounds good."

"Wanna head out now?"

Sam looked torn. "I'm pretty tired, and no way you're driving with those hands." He thought out loud "Few hours of shut eye and then we go." He concluded

"Sounds good" Dean was a bit relieved at the conclusion, he was beyond exhausted. They would pack up and head out in the morning.

Thank you for reading, please comment and follow the story if you enjoyed it. Reviews keep me motived on updating