Hi, this is a late add on chapter as I just saw I was asked to make a chapter about their conversation.

I'm still not great on how this app works and I haven't been on it In a while, but I will do my best to make the best follow on I can. Thank you so much for the support from the last chapter.

I hope you all enjoy this one just as much.

This chapter contains literal sleeping together, negative thoughts,

Alec has a bit of a break down, soilder Alec

Alec needs and deserves a hug

Magnus being a careing , loving boyfriend and teaches Alec that he's perfect just the way he is.

Gently, Alec's eyes started to drift open as each of his senses started to come too;

He started to take in the familiar site of Magnus's side of their bedroom, then the sound and feeling of Magnus's strong heartbeat under his head and the strong arms around him,

protecting him.

For the first time in a while, Alec felt calm, peaceful and content.

He took a slow deep breath while taking in the site of the sun shining through the curtains.

If only it could stay like this, if only this minute could last forever.

Magnus, clearly watching his young shadowhunter carefully, asked in a smove, gentle voice:

"good morning baby, are you feelingany better?"

Alec could feel Magnus's breath against the top of his head while he spoke to him, which just added to his feeling of pleasure and peace. But with his mind being the last thing to wake up, he couldn't think clearly enough to answer or even form real words yet, so instead he just gives Magnus a little hum in response while snuggling into him more.

At most, they manged to lay like that for another minute till Alec's mind woke up. Then all the negative thoughts and memories came flooding back in without any warning.

Suddenly Alec practically jumped off of Magnus, slowly backing himself into the corner, mind racing through too many thoughts at once, while repeating sorry.

Without hesitation Magnus also jolted up, ready to try and break Alec's spiral before it got too far.

"shhh it's ok Alexander. Everything's ok shhhh. look around darling, it's just you and me inside our safe home. Right now nothing and no one else exists, ok ?"

Although, at first, Magnus's voice seemed like a distant whisper while he was drowning, self continuously Alec had clung onto the only saftey he could trust.

So Alec had focused onto Magnus's kind voice and slowly felt the water slip away, not completely but enough that each thought came back to him slower and clearer.

Still refusing to meet Magnus's beautiful eyes, Alec stared at the roof of the wall opposite him and straightened up. After years of his parents training him to be the soldier leader they extpected him to be, taking this position became an automatic response anytime he was preparing to be told off or punished in some way; the lifting of the head always assured he never met anyones disappointed eyes, but also preventing being called "weak" by looking at the ground.

Magnus of course picked up on this, but gave his shadowhunter time to process his thoughts as he didn't want to overwhelm him again.

Once again Alec's mind was racing but instead this time he was trying to work out what he could possibly say to Magnus after everything.

In a low but clear ( soldier like) voice Alec just repeated

"i_ i'm so sorry Magnus... i'm sorry for everything"

'you should never of had to put up with me, no one should, all i do is mess up' Alec's mind continued for him.

"i i should go, I'm , I'm sorry"

Alec continued out loud then instantly started making his way out.

"Wait Alexander...please."

Although still trying to be gentle Magnus very quickly had sprung up to catch Alec's arm causing him to stop in his tracks and stand completely still.

"Please, talk to me. what's going on through that clever and beautiful head of yours"

Alec tried as hard as he could to hold the thoughts at bay, just till he got out of here and then he can break down when no ones around (just like he always did) but as he jolted his arm to try to free it, he couldn't help the tear that escaped from his control.

This didn't go unnoticed by Magnus for even a second, so he quickly blocked Alec's attempt to free himself.

"Please Alexander, talk to me. Don't push me away, please"

As hard as Alec tried, he just didn't have the power to keep fighting Magnus.

'Why does it matter anyway, the second i start to tell him he will realise I'm not good enough for him anyway and will kick me out either way'

Alec's thought jumped In before breaking and telling Magnus everything.

"Fine, you want to know what's going through my mind, so you can see for yourself how weak I am then kick me out then fine.

I'm a shadowhunter Magnus I'm meant to have no feelings, no fears and definitely no weaknesses, I'm meant to be a trusted, well oiled machine, and do everything right with no mistakes ever. I have to be this so no one that's my responsibility dies, and so i never fail a mission.

But clearly i was born as the wrong thing, as I'm Always messing up and don't fit into any of these criteria, no matter how hard i try.

No matter what, my best is just never good enough, i know it, Maryse knows it, Jace knows it and probably so do the rest of you.

A and me bieng like this is going to get you all killed.

And that's on me.

I couldn't of even protected you or your varse from that spider, How am i supposed to protect the world from demons. yess demons are far less scary than spiders, but still thats not the point, the point is that that spider could have killed you and i was no help at all. Actually i was worse than not helpfull as i also broke your stuff.

No matter what, I always find a way to mess up everything in my life, and I always have.

And although you, Izzy and sometimes Jace, often try to hide your disappointment and anger (unlike my parents) I still know it's there, as it should be.

I'm a failed shadowhunter, a faild brother and a faild boyfriend.

And there's nothing i can do about it without making it worse and probably putting you all in even more danger. After the hundreds of years you've survived, the last thing i want is you dying now just because you met a mistake and failure of a person, and just had too much pride and kindness to leave him."

It took Alec a minute of catching his breath to realise he just said all that out loud and Magnus hadn't said a word throughout his entire rant.

With that dreaded realisation Alecs eyes snapped to meet Magnus's golden cat ones. Fear, guilt, and regret filled Alecs entire being at too much of an overwhelming force that it completely drowned out any feeling seeing those gorgeous eyes would normally bring him.

Alec hadn't noticed when he stared crying but when he brought his hand up to try to wipe any of the new tears away , he realised his cheeks/chin and neck were completely drowned from tears. He then re focused his attention onto Magnus, who still hadn't moved or reacted at all and Alecs mind started to get out of control again as the other voices started to return.

'Good job, Magnus clearly hates you soo much now he can't even expresses it'

'he's probably thinking of everything you've done and is just questioning how he ever let you into his life or how you ever became a shadowhunter'

'i know, i know ok. i'm so stupid... i don't belong, but he's still holding onto my arm (and squeezing it more now) so i can't go anywhere .'

As Alec's mind continued to run through these sort of thoughts while Magnus was frozen still out of shock, consern and anger (towards anyone who made his precious and perfect Alec feel this way) all in one. He knew his strong, brave shadowhunter, like all the others ( but worse), had been tought to be soldiers, in ways that Magnus never agreed with.

But to this degree? to the degree Alec hates himself for any little mistake or emotion he feels. No one deserves to feel like that, no one deserves to be tought that. It's not fair, it's not healthy, and its definitely not right.

Magnus had to pull himself out of these thoughts when he relised that his shadowhunter was staring

at him with hurt and fear written in those tear filled eyes which broke his heart to see, especially to think he's expecting the worse.

So in attempt to ease Alec's mind as quick as he could he just spoke from his heart, giving himself no time to over think it.

"Alexander, darling I'm so so sorry that anyone ever made you think that any of this is the case. As it's not baby. It's really not. If anything, you not having feelings or fears or even these so called "weaknesses" that would be what would prevent you from completing your missions in the best and right way."

Alec couldn't help himself from interrupting quitetly.

"How?"

So Magnus replied to him immediately, still keeping his voice delicately and soft.

" Because if you didn't feel you wouldn't have the compation, you do, for the innocent people that your trying to protect. Nor would be able to put saving innocent lives above killing the guilty, and make the best decisions that save the most lives.

If you didn't have fears you wouldn't know when its time to back away from a fight to re group, for either your saftey or your teams as you wouldn't worry about anyone dying. You would also be more likely to take uncalculated risks. As for the fear involving spiders, it does keep you alert and your ability to spot them anywhere probably also helps you apply this to missions even when others don't notice it.

As for these so called weaknesses, it can depend on what your counting as weaknesses, because if it's physical weaknesses like pain and having fragile human bones and skin, well that also helps you be more cautious of these same weaknesses of your team and the person your trying to save therefore you will be more aware and cautious of thier limits.

However for your emotional weaknesses, they allow you to be able to asses the situation and how the mission went as well as giving you the ability to pick up on any mistakes or regrets you have so you can make then right next time. It's also extremely important for you to be able to process things to clear your mind."

Magnus noticed how Alec seemed to relax and calm a bit with each point he made so he decided to keep going a little bit further, while staying cautious as the next point may be extra sensitive for Alec.

"Or if its relationship weaknesses your refuring to, like how you shut down and "let" me take care of you last night, or the way i can make your mind go blank or you feel weak just from a few touches or words, so basically the fact you trust me enough to let down your gaurd. This is soo important for you to have too, because your constantly exposed to intense, stressfull, life threatening situations, and throughout it all your being tought to be a non human solidier, which non of you are because you was never made to be. When Shadowhunters were created to protect the mundane world from demons, they was chosen to be half human for a reason. So you haveing this vulnerable human side especially to relationships, it was no accident, and it's important so when your shadowhunter soilder side starts to take over, you have someone/something to bring the human side back."

From watching Alec so carefully while talking about the relationship, he got to watch as the blush slowly started to creep onto Alec's cheeks which only bosted him on to remind his adorable shadowhunter how much he loves him.

"And for the record Darling, each of these "mistakes" and "imperfections" of yours are each some of the things i love most about you as they make you special. Especially your compassionate/ protective side.

So there is nothing I want to change about you (apart from the fact i would love you to love yourself too oneday but we can work on that if you will let me help you)"

Once again unable to think of what to say -but this time because he was filled with so much love for his boyfriend- Alec just gave Magnus a small nod before attacking him in a very tight hug.

Although once again a small (now very quiet) doubt did re-cross Alecs mind again, So in a very shakey and weak voice Alec practically wispered into Magnus's ear.

"D_d do you promise you mean it ?"

"of course i do baby, every word" Magnus assured

"Now Jace and Izzy both already know your having today and tomorrow off and we've pushed family game night back a few days. So how about you get back into bed and I'll go and make us pancakes and woffles while you choose a movie you would like us to watch, okay?"

Alec squeezed Magnus tighter whispering in his ear.

" i love you soo much"

before giving him a nod and reluctantly letting him go.

"Awww i love you too Alexander," Magnus said showing all his love for his shadowhunter through his voice and eyes.

"and I'll be as quick as i can okay?"

"Okay please do"

So they spent the rest of the day cuddling in bed and watching romantic moives, and once again Alec felt calm/peaceful and relaxed while laying on Magnus's chest.

Thank you so much for reading

i hope you enjoyed

All the characters still aren't mine as much as i wish they were.

they still belong to the lovely and talented : Cassandra Clare and Joshua Lewis