A/N: Let's see what is going on inside Harvey's mind? I hope you like this one… Some mature language is used in this chapter, but nothing too graphic. :)

Thank you, Cassie, for being an amazing beta! Ariana and Luana, thank you for the encouragement. Stay safe people! #BLM

Love, A.

6

Se distante

Ray had never seen Harvey like that. Sure, he witnessed some panic attacks before, but the last time he'd seen the lawyer that bad was when he had found out about Donna's death.

He had just got into the car to go to the firm when he received a phone call. Ray had never seen his boss so pale while sweat started to form on his forehead. It didn't matter how many times he asked if Harvey was feeling okay, he wouldn't answer. It was like the lawyer had shut down to the world. After the driver saw his boss slipping on the ground with his back on the nearest building, Ray lifted him up and put him sitting on the back seat of the car. Harvey was very heavy, and the driver's back would suffer the consequences in the morning, but it didn't matter. He would be there for his boss and friend.

He tried asking what happened. Whether anything had happened to Mrs. Specter, but he knew, deep down, his boss would only feel like that if a certain redhead was involved.

Consequently, Ray drove his boss to the only place he knew Harvey wouldn't get mad at him and still get help.

...

Harvey had no recollection of how he made it to Mike and Rachel's place. He thought maybe Ray helped him get into the Lexus. But he was not sure. He had just heard her words so loud and so clear that everything else faded.

You already left. And now, there's no turning back.

Of course, she had no idea how her words would affect him. How could she? How could she know that those were the same words that would play on his mind like a broken record for a year after she died? How could she know that he blamed himself for everything that happened to her? That was the problem. She couldn't. He hadn't told anyone about those. Not even to his therapist/wife.

He had left. He left her there and everything that happened after that was his fault.

There was no turning back, indeed. He couldn't change the past nor the fallout of his actions.

He remembered crossing the threshold of his friends' house leaning on Ray, and Mike and Rachel's worried looks. Mike knew all too well the symptoms of his panic attacks, but for Rachel, that was the first one she'd witnessed.

When he got to their couch and was handed a glass of water, he was starting to breathe normally. Although his hands kept shaking uncontrollably.

"What happened?" Mike asked Ray, who only shook his head, explained what he said he needed to go home to his wife, after seeing Mike and Rachel had everything under control and made sure they would call him if they needed anything.

Rachel stood close to the door for a few seconds, looking at her husband trying to calm down their friend. She felt as though she was interrupting a private moment and excused herself to make up a room for Harvey to spend the night. However, before she could close the door to the spare room, she heard Harvey's horse voice.

"Mike, is it possible to love two women at the same time?"

E se distante é assim

Isso não vai ter fim

Nem que eu quiser você sai de mim

Eu já tentei, mas te esquecer assim não dá

(Imortal - Sandy&Junior)

Harvey was laying in Mike and Rachel's spare room facing the ceiling thinking about red flames and sandy blond strands. He was torn and at that exact moment, he understood his mother. Loving two people at the same time and lying to one of them. He didn't agree with her, but he understood her. He felt as if he was having an affair, like her. The only difference was that he didn't act on his feelings and ask a child to keep it a secret.

His eyes welled up thinking about what he was doing to the two people he cared about most in the world. While Paula was his wife and he had chosen her to spend the rest of his life with, Donna was the only one he could picture a future with. The thought of hurting one or the other was excruciating, but in dire circumstances, even though he wouldn't admit it to himself, he knew who he'd save first, who he'd drag out of a burning building if he had to.

The night he asked Paula what she had talked to Donna about, Harvey went to bed with his wife. She had moaned his name and scratched his back, so it was easy to assume she had slept like a baby after their endeavors, as opposed to him. He definitely found her attractive, and would never say it, but the only way for him to get hard that night was the thought of Donna.

He had sex with his wife twice that night. The first time, she had gone down on him, but nothing happened when he looked at her hair or her face. Only when he closed his eyes and pictured strawberries and freckles was he able to give his wife what she wanted. The second time, he had woken up in the dawn, hard and sweating. He'd had a dream about Donna. He had kissed her the night she disappeared and the thought of her lips on his alone was enough to get him ready again. Unfortunately for him, when he tried to get up and take a cold shower, Paula scooped closer and felt his undeniable need, so he fucked his wife a second time thinking about another woman's lips. He felt dirty, but he didn't cheat, right?

To make matters worse, at the event, Donna was stunning, wearing that dress that made his breathing hitch and the earrings she had bought herself with his credit card. She didn't think he remembered it, but he did. She had bought it as a gift for secretary's day and she was so happy with it that just her smile had brightened up his whole week. Thinking about her, laying in the dark, alone, was making him see things a bit more clearly. He was wrong. Wrong for worrying and thinking about another woman when he should be focussing on the one waiting for him at home. He should, but he couldn't because the thought of losing Donna or seeing her hurt in any way made him want to drop to his knees. The thought of her being touched by another man's hands didn't only bother him but made him sick to his stomach. And the thought of not being part of her life made him want to stop breathing altogether. He didn't know what to do. He just didn't know if he could leave his wife for her, but he had to make his marriage work. He was not his mother.

Harvey gave up sleeping at four am, left a note for Mike, and went home to his wife, again with another woman's face in his mind.

…

Donna woke up with a killing hangover. Her head was throbbing, but at least she didn't have nightmares. She had drunk far too many glasses of wine during the weekend. Actually, she had started drinking a lot more after the dreams started. She didn't know if the lack of dreams were a good or a bad thing, but having them made her feel uneasy and drinking made her numb and pushed them away. She had to know what she did during those two years, and she had to make the people responsible for her disappearance pay, but she was not willing to figure everything out through dreams.

With that on her mind, she knocked on Louis' door first thing in the morning, with two cups of coffee in hand.

"Donna, good morning! What can I do for you, m'lady?

Donna grinned at her friend's greeting and handed him the coffee, "do you have a minute?"

He took the coffee from her and motioned to a chair in front of his desk.

"I need your help." She looked at her cup of coffee, avoiding his gaze and sighing. "I need a lawyer to move a class action against the people that robbed me from two years of my life." She faced his agape expression and straightened her back, gathering the courage to finish what she had to say. "Samantha is getting all the information she can about everyone that went through the same as I did. There are more people, you know? And I want to make the people who did this to me and the others pay, and I want you to be my lawyer."

Louis leaned back at his chair and looked at her, seeing the pain and anger through her hazel eyes. She was not the same woman he had met. Somehow she seemed colder, more closed to the world and all he saw was sorrow, distress, and a harshness that didn't belong to his sweet and fierce friend.

"Of course, Donna. I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure these bastards are held accountable for their actions, but I need to ask, why me?" He asked her, curiosity getting the better of him and making him want to explain his train of thought further. "I'm sure you could ask Jessica, Rachel or even Mike, and most importantly Harvey. So why me?"

She knew he would ask this question, but the answer wasn't an easy one to deliver. Not for him, but for herself, since saying it aloud would make everything even more real and more difficult to bear.

"I don't want people to think Jessica is doing me favors, even though I will pay for all the service. There's enough gossip about why I got my job as it is, I don't need more of it." She sighed and looked at the New York skyline through his window. "Mike and Rachel have done enough for me already and I feel like a burden for them already." Her eyes started to well up, for weakness wasn't something she liked to admit. "And Harvey? We're not even friends anymore. You know he didn't even visit me when I was in the hospital... He never asked if I was okay—"

"That's not true, Donna," Louis cut her off. "He—"

"The day I came back to the office?" She said, not giving a chance for him to finish, "he didn't want to know about me... He wanted to know if he would be okay working close to me," she wiped her tears with the back of her hand and continued with a shaky voice, "but not if I would be okay with seeing how he'd moved on, how he'd given up on me and how he'd lost faith." She took a deep breath and looked at her friend, concluding her statement, "so yes, Louis. I trust Jessica, Mike, and Rachel, but I choose you."

Donna didn't say she trusted Harvey, but Louis knew that she did. She was just hurting too much to admit it. He understood her resentment and if it was himself without Sheila, he would be just as upset. Without words to comfort his friend, he just reached for her hand and squeezed it, looking in her eyes and gathering forces not to cry in front of her.

"You can always count on me, Donna. But we'll need help."

"I'm sure Katrina will be up for it, just ask her not to mention all of this to anyone, please."

He nodded and she let go of his hand, fixing her skirt and going to the lady's room to fix her makeup.

…

Monday proved to be a productive day for Harvey. He didn't see Donna all day, and he was able to close a client. He could almost say he had been having a good day. Almost. For Monday evening came to disturb his resolve.

Harvey returned to the office and went straight to the partner's kitchen to get some coffee. Sure, he was not used to getting his coffee from there, but the coffee cart guy was too crowded for his liking in the rush hour. Before he could step inside the kitchen, though, he heard Louis speaking in a muffled voice.

"...and Donna doesn't want anybody to know about the class action, so it's just you and I.''

"What class action?" Harvey asked stepping inside the room, startling Louis and Katrina who were seated at a desk like school girls gossiping.

Louis stared at Harvey, dumbstruck. He could not believe that less than twelve hours in, he'd managed to spill the beans to the one person Donna didn't want to find out.

"Louis, I asked what class action?" Harvey approached Louis as a predator. He knew all of them were hiding something from him, and he did not appreciate it. When did everybody stop trusting him?

"I'm sorry, Harvey. It's attorney-client privilege." Katrina spoke, diverting Harvey's gaze from Louis to her. "If you want to know more, I guess you should talk to Donna."

Harvey wanted to say more, but couldn't. He knew they wouldn't tell him more, and he felt betrayed. Betrayed by Donna, and that hurt more than he cared to admit.

He faced Louis, pointing a finger at him. "We're not done," Harvey said, turning on his heel and going to Donna's office.

Donna was sitting at her desk, her four-colored Bic pen trapped between her teeth as she focussed on the files in front of her. She jumped in her chair when she heard Harvey's angry voice coming from her door.

"What class action? What's going on, and why didn't you tell me?" Harvey was red-faced and fuming, but despite his outburst, she sighed and got up from her chair, already putting a few things in her handbag to head home. She knew he was bound to find out sooner or later. She just figured it would take a while longer, but apparently, she had been wrong.

"Well, Harvey. For starters, I don't owe you an explanation, and who I choose to be my lawyer is none of your concern." She spoke quietly, almost matter-of-factly, if it wasn't for her tense shoulders and her avoidance to look him in the eyes.

"Bullshit, Donna! You don't hide things from me! What class action and why is Louis your lawyer?" He raised his voice, stepping further into her office.

"He's my lawyer because I trust him and he's my friend." She stopped five feet away from him, ready to get home but not wanting to get closer to him to go through the door.

"And I'm not?" His anger was something she was expecting, but not the hurt that flashed through his eyes. She decided to ignore it. She just needed to get away from him, not wanting to deal with his outburst.

"No, Harvey. We're not friends. Not anymore. You made sure of that when you told me you loved me and left without even telling me how," her voice quivered slightly, "and when I was in the hospital and you didn't come to visit. And, when you didn't ask me how I was dealing with the fact that I lost two goddamn years of my life," she shook her head and looked at him, not hiding the tears in her eyes. "So no, Harvey. We're not friends. And if you excuse me, I've got somewhere to be."

Donna sidestepped him and stormed out of her office. His heart was pounding fast, but he couldn't let her go, not without finding out what the class action was about and not talking things through with her. So he went after her and grabbed her shoulder to stop her from entering an elevator.

At that moment, with a strong hand holding her back, in Donna's mind, she was no longer at the firm...

She was cold, too cold.

Her clothes did nothing to prevent her from freezing, but she was on high alert. Her surroundings made her feel as lonely as one could get, except for the older man fighting her. She grabbed the hand on her shoulder and twisted it with her own, turning to face him and pulling him to her, only to hit him hard in the chest, throwing him across the snow at least seven feet away from her.

"Oh my God!" Donna heard Rachel's voice coming from behind her, and suddenly she was back at the firm.

She looked at Harvey, ten feet away from her. The polished floor gave him less resistance than the snow. Her handbag was by her feet and she looked at the startled face of her best friend and Harvey on the ground.

"Oh my God!" Donna mirrored her friend's expression, covering her mouth with her hands. She gave a step towards Harvey, who was trying to get up, with a slight grimace on his face, but before she could get closer, the elevator dinged and Paula stepped out of the metal box.

She looked at her husband on the ground, close to the firm's sign and the two women in front of him, looking astonished. Harvey, on the other hand, looked dumbfounded.

"What happened here?" Paula asked, looking from Rachel to Donna and Harvey.

If he wasn't so worried about her, he might think being thrown by Donna was slightly amusing...

He took a second to acknowledge Paula's presence, but when he saw her bewildered expression, he almost started laughing.

"Is anyone going to explain to me why I found my husband on the floor like this?" She questioned, the three people nearest to her, kneeling beside Harvey.

"I'm so sorry... I ... It's just... I ..." Donna choked on her words, still paralyzed.

"You did this?" Paula helped Harvey stand up and crossed the room to face Donna. "You're telling me that just as I stepped out of the lift, you threw my husband across the room?"

"I..." Donna stepped back. The tears welling up in her eyes made Harvey get a grip. He stepped further and tried to touch his wife on the arm, trying to calm her and protect Donna, but she flinched.

"Paula, calm down. I believe—" Rachel stepped closer, almost standing between the blonde and her friend.

"Stay the hell out of it, Rachel! This woman is dangerous! She shouldn't be back at work! She should be in a psychiatric clinic somewhere!" Paula raised her voice, stepping further into Donna's personal space.

"That's enough, Paula." Harvey clutched her by the hand and guided her out of the curious faces some associates seemed to have. He gave them a piercing look and turned to Rachel.

"Take Donna home, will you? Please." He said, releasing Paula and letting her lead the way to his office.

Rachel nodded, took her friend's handbag, and secured her own on the same arm, guiding a stunned Donna out of the firm.

...

Paula stalked out of the hallway to Harvey's office and he followed closely behind. He closed the glass door and faced his wife, who was really riled up from her confrontation with Donna.

"Paula—" he started.

"No, Harvey," she raised her hand to cut him off, "I hate her!"

"Just remember, she's been through a lot."

Harvey's defense of Donna didn't make Paula any happier, so she continued.

"I've been on eggshells since Donna came back: trying not to say the wrong thing, trying to imagine what it's like for her, but I am done!"

"Paula…"

"Donna Paulsen is delusional and dangerous!"

"She just lost two years of her life," he tried to reason.

"Was she any nicer two years ago!? Because she just managed to throw you across a room full of people!" She released an exasperated sigh.

"I understand why you have a problem with her."

"No, she's the one with the problem! I'm not going to apologize because I remember the last 24 months, or because I'm married to the man that I love!"

"You're being too emotional," he tilted his head to the right trying to soften his expression.

"No, I'm reacting intelligently, as I expected Donna to. She's been gone two years, you'd think she'd listen to people instead of assaulting them! She's horrible! And she definitely shouldn't be back at work."

Harvey moved closer, taking hold of Paula gently by both forearms.

"Okay, stop. She's been through something and hasn't been acting normally. But give her a minute! I mean, the way things are, no one would blame you if the two of you hated each other. But I actually believe that you'll end up respecting her. You might even like her."

He didn't know what had happened to Donna to make her react so impulsively and with such violence. However, he didn't know if he actually wanted to know what happened to her because the thought of her being harmed in any way made his bile reach his throat.

"Well, then she shouldn't be at work now, should she?" Paula asked, but appeared to be considering what Harvey had said.

"I'll talk to her," he said, but added "and Jessica" quickly before her hardening expression became another outburst.

Harvey leaned in and kissed her lightly on the mouth, which diffused her anger.

"Just remember that I love you." Paula smiled at his words and sighed, embracing the feeling his lips left on hers and letting the subject go for a while.

…

Rachel went to a bar with Donna and ordered two tequila shots.

Donna's shoulders were hunched on the bar stool. She just grabbed the glass and downed its content in one go, shaking her head lightly at the bitter taste.

"Can you tell me what the hell was that all about?" Rachel tried to look into Donna's eyes, which were focussed anywhere but on her friend.

"He touched my arm and suddenly I wasn't at the firm anymore." Donna lowered her gaze and took a deep breath.

"What do you mean? You blacked out?" Concern was written all over the brunette's face.

"Kind of… I don't know… My body just reacted on its own." Donna's eyes filled with tears but decided to change the subject instead of heading to her empty apartment. "How did they meet?"

Rachel was surprised by the sudden change, but went with it, knowing it wouldn't be good to push her friend for further explanation.

"You mean Harvey and Paula?"

The redhead faced her friend, nodded, and sighed.

"Well… When you died—" Rachel cleared her throat and fixed her statement, "went missing… Everyone was in bad shape. So when Harvey came back from God knows where he had been, he looked for psychological help and Paula was his therapist for a few months. Then they started dating, and the rest is history."

"But why did he—"

"Need help?" Rachel beat Donna to her question. "Everyone of us needed it, especially him since he was the one to tell your parents, arrange your funeral and see your body—"

"WAIT! Body? There was a body?" Donna didn't know they had seen her seemingly dead body.

"Well… yes. He identified your body at the morgue and all."

"I see…" Donna averted her gaze from her friend and faced the exit. She couldn't bear the look of her friend or the crowd of the bar anymore.

He couldn't have found her. Harvey couldn't have saved her. He had seen her motionless body and thought she was actually dead. She didn't know if her kidnappers had sedated her to make her look dead, or shown him a dummy of herself.

She was sad and confused. But most of all, she was furious with those who had done this to her and her friends.

After Rachel insisted on seeing Donna to her apartment, the redhead left her stilettos by the front door and grabbed her phone to schedule an earlier appointment with Dr. Lipschitz.

A/N: If you're wondering about what was said in that part of S&J's song, here's the translation:

And if far away it's like this

It won't end

Not even if I want to, you won't leave my mind

I've already tried, but to forget you like this is not possible.

It's not perfect, but it's pretty close to what they meant. :)

Someone asked how many parts this story will be and I'm thinking maybe twelve to fourteen chapters… I have everything outlined but characters tend to have a life of their own. xD Also, I have a beta, but even with her awesomeness, sometimes we miss my typos. Either way, feel free to leave me a private message or a comment if you find any mistakes. :) English is not my native language and I'm here to learn too. If you want to reach me over twitter … Adrift_Writer is my user.

Shout-out to who caught the MerDer reference on the previous chapter!

Every comment and criticism is very much appreciated. Cassie, thank you for the idea of Donna throwing Harvey. It was so much fun to write!