A/N: Yay! I'm back with this story. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to update before, but life got in the way… I hope you like this one and don't give up on me. There's a silver lining!

Trigger warning: Depression and suicide attempt mention. M rated.

10

I've been alone all along

Donna liked to think about all the possible outcomes from a situation. She liked to be prepared, and she didn't like to be surprised with a scenario that hadn't been played in her head before. It wasn't like her to bolt from a delicate conversation, though all she could think about was how she needed space. She thought Harvey would be mad at her or maybe understand her decision to go through with the class action even if it affected Paula. What she didn't expect was him putting her needs before his own wife. What did that mean for them?

As the warm steam of water washed the sweat from her morning workout and the stress of a sleepless night, she started to breathe normally and all the thoughts she tried to suppress during her yoga came rushing back to the front of her mind. She thought about the wreck of a man who'd stood in her apartment and the mess of a life they'd had. It was all extremely ironic.

The man she's been in love with for more than a decade married the woman who helped kidnap and torture her. And this same man decided to put her life above his wife's on the grounds that 'she's different'. His words, not hers.

What the fuck was wrong with the universe? She was a fucking legal secretary, turned COO who was kidnapped because of an innate skill, something she didn't choose to have but it helped her in many ways throughout her life only to be the very reason her life was the way it was.

And then there was the fact that not too long ago (in her mind - at least until all her memories came back) Harvey wouldn't dare touch her hand or arm by any means. And now, at every opportunity, there was hugging and hand-holding and promises that held too much meaning for two people who were nothing but friends.

With an indrawn breath, Donna turned the showerhead off, tied her wet hair in a towel and dried off her body.

Rummaging through her walk-in closet, she found a dress she bought with her first salary as a COO. It was a sweetheart-neck Cady blush dress by Alexander McQueen. It was such a beautiful piece, but it brought a certain vulnerability that couldn't be shown at her new position in the firm. Today, however, she felt exactly that. Vulnerable to him and to the world. She picked it up, took off the price tag, and put it on.

She blow-dried her hair, put on a light coat of makeup and entered the living room.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

(My Immortal - Evanescence)

She met the man who made her heart skip a beat, wearing the same haunted expression he wore when he arrived at her apartment. He was sat on her couch, facing her fireplace with slumped broad shoulders.

He heard her bedroom door open and allowed himself to take her in. She looked beautiful, so fresh and put together. Completely different from the version he'd seen earlier. With his breath caught in his throat, he spoke, releasing a heavy sigh.

"Samantha is on her way with the FBI. "

Donna nodded and took a seat on the other side of the couch. He noticed the distance between them and shifted, facing her.

"There is something you need to know…" He started the conversation that was cut short by her abrupt excuse to take a shower. "In my life, there has only been one person."

Their eyes locked like magnets and she saw nothing but unequivocal love, sincerity, and tenderness. The look was so similar, yet so different from the moment he said he loved her, only to walk out the door in a heartbeat. The last time, he also seemed torn and scared. Now, there was a familiar affection, as if she could find a home in his brown orbs.

"Don't do this," she mumbled, looking at her bedroom door, thinking about running away from him this time. She thanked God for waterproof mascara, feeling her eyes fill with unwanted tears.

"Look at me," he uttered, shifting closer to her and reaching for her hand.

There was a reason they hadn't touched for years, and since she came back, all their touches were comforting. This time, however, they were not.

"Harv..." She shook her head, still not meeting his gaze, but not taking her hand from his either. His palm was warm and soothing, igniting a fire in the pit of her stomach.

"The only reason I got married to someone else, was because I was trying to fill an empty void your presence left in my life, and I didn't know how not to be around you."

His tone resonated through her body, awaking butterflies and making her voice hitch. He converted all her desires into hope, petrifying her for the possibility of another fall down. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, extremely uncomfortable with his proximity. She parted her lips slightly, searching for the words that were too persistent in not helping her out.

His phone chirped on the coffee table, making both look at the device and acknowledge their conversation was ending.

"The FBI is nearly here," she spoke above a whisper, feeling her heart flutter in her chest, either from Harvey's remarks or for the agents, she didn't know.

"Don..." He stood up, straightening his shoulders, and bringing her with him.

They remained face-to-face for a few heartbeats until she finally dared to look into his eyes, only to meet hope and pain, love and sorrow, yearning and vulnerability.

"I know, Harvey. I know." It was not their time. Not yet. But there was faith and that, like a lifejacket, was the only thing preventing them from drowning in the midst of despair. "When this is all over… We'll find each other… we always find each other."

They closed their eyes and felt each other's breathing. Their hearts sang in unison, bringing them closer until their foreheads touched.

"Even though everything's changed, some things don't and I'm not gonna lose you twice. I'll do everything it takes to protect you and bring you justice." He murmured just for Donna, as if scared the universe might hear and ruin their moment.

His promise made her hairs stand on end and a smile tinge her delicate features.

…

Samantha knocked on Donna's door with agent Carvalho and Smith by her side. They had met in front of the building as agreed and went up to the right floor, already discussing a strategy. Donna opened the door and led the guests to her living room where Harvey was up waiting for them. They introduced themselves in a professional manner, and soon everyone took a seat.

"So…" Agent Carvalho started. He was a short, hunky man, maybe a few years older than Harvey, and much like the latter had a confident and cocky stance when executing his area of expertise. "I assume Samantha talked to you about Agard's involvement in the wipe out case?"

"Is it what you're calling it? The wipe out case?" Harvey inquired, actual curiosity dressing his tone.

"It makes sense." Donna shrugged and motioned for Carvalho to carry on.

"So, we still need intel on who funded the clinic and possibly more people who were involved. And if you agree to help us," Carvalho said, looking at Harvey, "we might get to move forward with the case sooner than we expected."

"Sure." Harvey buttoned his suit jacket as if preparing for war.

"Great." Agent Smith answered. She was a smaller woman with bright green eyes. She had a comforting aura that balanced with the rigid one her partner carried. "We believe Agard has evidence on who were her employers and maybe coworkers." Smith explained, looking at Carvalho to confirm her statement.

"Yes, and if we're right, she may have the evidence hidden somewhere in a safe place." Carvalho continued.

Donna stared at the two agents while they danced around each other explaining the situation. She wondered how many times they have done this over the years.

"We don't think she keeps anything like that in her office because of the amount of patients she sees. Thus, the only plausible place for her to keep classified documents is - "

"The house." Harvey concluded Smith's explanation, making everyone in the room turn to face him.

The fact he didn't say the house was his didn't go unnoticed by Donna.

"And it would take a while for us to get a warrant, since the case isn't public yet."

"And that's when I come into the picture."

"Exactly. If you let us search the property and testify you haven't been in the house before you knew about Agard's involvement and well… you seem to know the drill." Smith smirked, reaching in her bag to take a few papers.

Harvey nodded, reaching for the documents and a pen. He had to sign an NDA and a few other documents, mainly to protect the state in case anything happened to him or the property while they were searching his house.

After reading the documents, he sighed and was about to sign his name when Donna reached for his hand, stopping him.

"You don't have to do this, Harvey. We might get everything we need, eventually. If it makes you uncomfortable or…"

"Donna," he looked into her eyes, pleading for understanding, "I'm doing this for you, but also for me. I should've trusted my instincts and if I had, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"It's not your fault, Harvey. You don't have to…"

"Donna, please. I… I also need to know everything she did." he closed his eyes, seemingly in pain, and she released his hand.

…

When the papers were signed, all of them went to Harvey's house. Donna, Samantha and agent Smith stayed in a van parked near the house while he went inside with Carvalho. Both were wearing a small earpiece that allowed them to talk to the people inside the wagon hands-free and a miniature camera disguised as a pin on their clothes.

Once inside the house, Harvey and Carvalho went through the bookshelves and even kitchen cabinets. They would talk about possible places and search thoroughly.

Carvalho noticed a few documents behind a few psychology books in a bookshelf in the living room - a place Harvey wouldn't touch. Harvey found a flash drive inside a cup in a china cabinet that Paula kept her collection of cups and saucers.

Harvey felt like throwing up more than once. He couldn't believe that his whole life with Paula was a lie. All the memories and even the entire house was tainted. He couldn't look at anything surrounding him and not see betrayal.

Once they were finished with the kitchen and living room, they moved forward to the study and bedroom.

"Do you mind if I keep with the study while you stay with the bedroom?" Harvey asked Carvalho. To anyone, the question would seem suspicious, but Carvalho was a very good judge of character and Harvey's stance was adorned with dread and hurt. He guessed the bedroom was too personal for the man in front of him, so all he did was nod, understanding the man's request.

Through the devices the two men were wearing, Donna, Samantha and Smith were able to listen and see what Harvey and Carvalho were seeing.

Donna felt a sting in her chest hearing the man she was in love with so broken.

Harvey found more documentation hidden inside a drawer in the study while Carvalho was in the bedroom searching through shoe boxes and photo albums, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

When they decided there wasn't anything else to be found, and were about to leave the house Samantha announced there was someone heading for the house that looked like Paula, which was confirmed when Harvey and Carvalho heard someone open the front door.

"Harvey?" A British female voice called from the entrance.

"You distract her. I'll try to escape." Carvalho hushed, looking into Harvey's panicking eyes.

"In here!" Harvey called, trying to sound as natural as possible, only his tense demeanor betraying him.

Carvalho left the study and went as quickly as possible to the bedroom without being seen.

Harvey took a deep breath and tried to find an excuse. A few moments later Paula found Harvey in the study, looking inside of a big pink pastel box.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing in here?"

Smith turned their mic off so Harvey couldn't hear them, and he could focus.

"Looking at our wedding pictures. I remembered you kept them here. Remember that day?" Harvey said, looking at her adoringly, while feeling his insides churning. He was throwing the best performance of his life. He had to convince her nothing was out of the ordinary. Although, him looking at wedding pictures was pretty out of the ordinary.

"That was the happiest day of my life." Paula remembered stepping closer to him.

Donna kept looking at the video and listening to them with her palm on her chest. She felt as if her heart would jump out of her chest at any minute. And looking at Paula's face… she never felt more disgusted about anyone in her life.

"Mine too." Harvey lied and put the box on the desk. He searched in her eyes for any clues for the horrendous things she'd done, but found nothing. She was as good an actress as he was a poker player.

"I want to be that happy again." She raised a perfectly shaped brow suggestively at him. "What can I do to make that happen?" She reached for the lapels of his suit jacket and started kissing his neck.

The video inside the van was obscured by Paula's proximity and they started hearing muffled kissing sounds.

"That's a start." Harvey gulped. He took off his jacket, knowing he didn't have any other choice.

"Really?" Paula opened her legs for him and he started kissing her neck. He couldn't stomach kissing her mouth or looking at her face, but he had to distract her, so he reached up her pastel skirt and started unbuttoning his pants. He turned her around suddenly, making her yelp in surprise. She was bent over when he freed himself, giving a few strokes, only to put her panties aside and thrust into her.

Samantha raised her eyebrows, cleared her throat and looked at Donna. They could all hear Paula's moans and Harvey's groans. Smith seemed impressed by the lengths the lawyer could go for them to get all the evidence, and Donna felt sick, turning as pale as a ghost. Knowing they were still husband and wife was one thing, hearing them was a whole other way of torture and she couldn't take it.

"Turn it off." Donna uttered.

Smith turned off the comms, and Donna walked out, not seeing Carvalho coming from the back of the house.

"What happened?" Carvalho asked when he reached the door, referring to Donna who had tears in her eyes when she left the van.

"I think she's in love with the guy and she just heard him have some heavy making out."

"You think?" Samantha murmured at the same time Carvalho said "Shit" under his breath.

...

Donna left the van breathing raggedly. Her heart was thrumming a fast pace and her peripheral vision was darkening. Through sloppy steps, she made a beeline for the next corner and saw a cab dropping off a pregnant lady in front of a two-story Victorian house in the suburban neighbourhood. She got into the cab and mumbled her address, feeling her heart slow down.

Of course she knew Harvey and Paula had had sex before, but hearing them just a few feet away from her was devastating. She didn't have the right to be jealous. He wasn't even hers, but after the conversation they had… Deep down she knew it wasn't real, even if it sounded like it was. But real or not, it still hurt.

Her mind was in a spiral again and she felt bile come up her throat. This wasn't healthy.

She was moving on, and this was just a relapse. She had Thomas and oh… she hadn't thought about him once in the last day. She picked up her phone and sent him a message coming up with an excuse and making plans for the following days. Sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose, Donna decided she needed a girls' night.

…

Harvey had never felt dirtier in his life. He washed the reminiscent of Paula out of his body until his skin was red. He hoped Donna would understand he only did what he did so they could take all the evidence they needed.

Again, he had to think about autumn leaves, that reminded him of her red locks, so he could get hard, since blond and pastel only made him retch. After all, he told Donna that morning; she had to believe he would do anything to bring her justice. Fucking his — still — wife was a small price to pay to get what they needed, but doing it still made him feel like an asshole. It made him feel like he was cheating on Donna, which was absurd. They weren't together in the way he longed for, though he felt like they've always been together. Even when she was gone, she was an essential part of him.

He could still remember the first months after her supposed death. He had arranged everything for her funeral. So much so that her family didn't spend a cent. He thought that maybe she wouldn't want to inflict on her parents the pain of having to identify her body, so he did what had to be done. He could still recall the wind being knocked out of him when he saw her motionless body. She had always been so full of life and light, but laying there, she just didn't look like herself. Maybe that's why he felt she wasn't dead at all. His feelings for her were undying, just like the feeling she was still there.

After the funeral, he took a sabbatical and went to Europe. He left his phone and computer at his condo, packed a small suitcase and left. He had nightmares every single night. It was always the same recurring dream. She would be laying in the morgue, he would come nearer, she would look him dead in the eyes and say "you left, and now there's no turning back".

Renting a cabin in the middle of nowhere in Hungary, and staying there for nearly six months, was probably not the wisest idea for his recovery. He went to a dark place, somewhere he hadn't been before. He thought about slitting his wrists or hanging himself to escape the pain he couldn't live with, but she wouldn't want that. Although, if heaven was real, he could be with her; assuming he was going to heaven too, which he wasn't so sure of.

He talked to her every day about anything and everything. He talked about Mike and the firm, or how many times he wanted to kiss her. He chatted about the other time and how much he wished he had chosen a relationship above a professional one, even if he wasn't ready then. In the fifth month, however, Donna started answering him. At first, he almost fell off the tree he was sitting on. He was extremely drunk and didn't think anything else of it. But then he heard her voice again. It sounded as if it was through the intercom. And that was when she said he needed to start living again for the both of them. He didn't know how, but she saved him. Eventually, he realised Donna wouldn't want him to stay secluded, so he sought therapy and went back to work. Still, he felt her presence every day, even when he couldn't hear her anymore. He owed it to her to keep breathing.

And now, he owed her justice. He wasn't lying when he said he would do anything for her.

…

Donna went to the office. She was still replaying Harvey's and Paula's sounds in her head as if it was a terrible song stuck in her mind or a broken record she couldn't turn off. After three hours of fumbling through paperwork, she realised she wouldn't be able to get any work done and decided to go home. She sent a text to Rachel for a girl's night invitation, packed up her stuff and left for her apartment.

She managed to avoid Harvey during her attempt to get some work done. She didn't need to see his handsome face to help rub salt in the wound. She knew he wasn't hers, but she still felt hurt by the reminder that Paula had him and she has been all alone. Unfair was all it was.

When Rachel got to Donna's house, the redhead had already ordered in for the both of them and had set out wine and orange juice.

"You're not drinking with me?" Rachel inquired and raised an eyebrow, not really understanding why. "Don't tell me you're pregnant," she added, snickering.

"Doctor's orders…" Donna told her, rolling her eyes and taking a seat on the sofa. She didn't hesitate to let her best friend in on everything that went on the last couple of days. From the contents of the videos to her conversation with Harvey and having sex with Paula.

It all perplexed Rachel, to say the least. She thought she knew Paula, but now she could only think about if there had been any red flags during the time she had talked to her.

"You couldn't have known, Rach." Donna assured, cutting Rachel's train of thought. "Harvey lived with her and he didn't know."

"I guess no one really knows anyone…"

"I guess not…" Donna sighed and drank from her glass of juice.

"He's going to leave her." Rachel stated as an affirmation more than a question.

"I don't know about that… I mean… They were really passionate with each other this morning." Donna said in resignation.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Rachel asked with a frown. "He did that so she wouldn't find out we know about her. He did it for you. And also, I don't believe for one second they did it passionately, as you put it."

"You weren't there, Rach." Donna shook her head, not really prepared to see reason and scared to even think about him doing such a thing because of her.

"No, I wasn't. But I know him and I know he's in love with you."

And that did it. Donna laughed, not seeing her friend's deliberate and puzzled expression.

"What's so funny? I'm serious." The brunette frowned. Confusion written all over her face.

The bitter laughing died just as it began. "You're really drunk."

"Okay, so… The night of the firm's galla, Harvey went to my house," Rachel explained, "he had a panic attack and had to be carried through the threshold by Ray."

"He had a panic attack? Why didn't you tell me?" Donna asked, getting nervous and frustrated.

"Because… I don't know. I guess I didn't want to add more to all your worries. But he was in very bad shape and he asked Mike if it was possible to love two women at the same time."

"Rachel, that's fucked up. No, he cannot have it both ways. And oh my God, I just remembered. That night I told him he had to give me space to breathe and that he had left me… something like that." Donna spoke in one breath, utterly bewildered.

"I know it's fucked up, but he was… or is fucked up... I don't know. All I know is I only saw him like that once before, and not because of Paula."

Rachel didn't have to say when she'd seen Harvey like that. Donna knew it must have been when she was declared dead. But now, her mind was racing. Could he really love her? And more importantly, could he really leave Paula? She knew they would hit a rough path once Paula knew Harvey was helping bring down the company she used to work for. He had said he only married Paula because he was alone, but he said all of that in a state of shock. Donna wouldn't dare get her hopes up about them. She had to protect herself.

…

Meanwhile, on the other side of the town. Harvey and Mike indulged in a beer, the latter being the only good thing at the moment. Harvey had also let Mike in on all the late events and the kid was still trying to process what the hell was wrong with the universe to screw his friend in all ends. As always, when facing a crisis and not knowing what to say, Mike tried to light up the mood with a joke.

"At least now mom and dad can be together."

"I just told you my marriage is ending because my wife is a criminal and that's what you say?" Harvey said in fake annoyance. The truth was, he needed to leave Paula, not only for her betrayal, but because he knew Donna was the person he was supposed to be with. "Although Samantha told me Donna heard Paula and I today and… I knew she would probably hear us… but I don't know man… Everything is so fucked up." Harvey said with a resigning sigh.

"I'm just thinking… Why did you… you know… with Paula? Weren't there other ways to distract her?" Mike asked with genuine curiosity.

Harvey took some time to ponder over Mike's question. He knew his marriage was over even before Paula's past was uncovered. He also felt disgust and aversion while touching her. Why would he put himself through such a distasteful situation?

"I don't know, Mike. All I know is I need to find a way to make things right with and foremost for Donna."

A/N: Please don't hate me. That was a scene from ALIAS and I had to write it even if it hurt. I borrow the scripts from "Transcript dot foreverdreaming". Also, I know that in real life Harvey wouldn't be allowed in the house with the agents, and their conversation was probably not how it would've happened, but I'm claiming poetic license. Thank you, Cassie, for our silly conversations, your amazing Beta skills and for lighting up my day with Harvey Macarrot18 content!

If could leave a comment and tell me what you think... it would make my day! D.