A/N: Oh! Hey, you! Remember me? Remember this story? I'm so, so sorry for the huge gap between posts. Life happens, I guess. Job problems, college struggles, family losses… And I couldn't have gone through all of it without Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow), my amazing beta and friend. I also couldn't have survived without Flower (Darveydh), who is one of the best friends this fandom could have given me. Thank you for listening to my whining and gibberish. I appreciate you more than you can ever know.

The next post will also take a while, but I'm doing my best. So… without further ado… Let's do this!

11

Picture me without you

"How do you feel about Paula?" The doctor challenged the lawyer in front of him.

Harvey had gone to see Dr. Lipschitz the day after the investigation in his and Paula's house. After recounting the events that led him to seek therapy again, the doctor asked the same question Mike asked him.

"Disgusted and like I never knew her. I mean, how could I be so blind?" Harvey answered, quivering with the thought of the other therapist.

"Did you love her?"

"I don't believe I ever loved her. I think I wanted to love her, and I made myself believe that I did."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I was hurting." Harvey shrugged. "When Donna died, I thought about killing myself… but she wouldn't want that." Harvey stated, matter-of-factly, making the doctor frown. "So I came back to New York, and I decided to live for her. I wanted to find someone, to try to be happy because Donna would want me to fight for what's in here," he said, placing his hand on the left side of his chest. "And I thought Paula loved me, which was a huge improvement for what I was feeling then, so I settled for her."

The doctor kept scribbling in his notebook and nodding in acknowledgment.

"How do you feel about Donna? Do you love her?"

"Yes." Harvey replied with a conviction he didn't even know he had.

"How?" The doctor asked, putting his pen aside and focussing on his patient's expression.

"Like I would give anything for her to be happy and to find love, even if it costs my own happiness."

"You mentioned an encounter with Paula was why you needed a session?"

"Yeah, well, it wasn't only the fact that she's a criminal that led me here.I had to distract her when the FBI was at the house and we had sex. And the visions of being with Paula, after knowing what she did, just gives me nightmares and I can't eat and sleep."

The fact Harvey didn't say the house was his didn't go unnoticed by the doctor.

"Why did you go through with the act, if you weren't comfortable? You seem like you didn't want to."

"I was hoping you would tell me that, doc."

"I know little about your previous experience with therapy, but I'm not here to give you answers. I'm here to ask you the right questions so you can reach the answers within yourself. Do you think that maybe you wanted to punish Paula through the intimacy?"

"How would I punish her by doing that with her? Paula doesn't know I know the truth…" Harve wiped his sweaty hands on his khaki pants.

"Paula will find that out, eventually. Or maybe you were intimate with her to punish yourself or even Donna…"

"Why would I want to punish Donna?" Harvey snapped, starting to get annoyed at the doctor's line of inquiry.

"I'm not saying you did anything consciously, Harvey. But our consciousness has a means to act depending on what we are feeling. Again, I'm not saying that you feel like punishing yourself, Paula, or Donna, but the way you just acted towards my question tells me we're close to an answer."

The lawyer expelled a heavy sigh and looked at his hands.

"Then tell me this, do you feel guilty about what happened to Donna?"

Harvey laughed humorlessly at the doc's query."Only every single day…"

"Well, Harvey, your acknowledgment is a huge progress."

Harvey opened his mouth to say something regarding the doctor's comment, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He fished it out to look at the screen and Samantha's name popped up.

"I'm sorry, Stan. I've got to take this." The attorney said, already standing.

"It's okay, Harvey. This feels like a good place to end for today. Will you be back for another session?" The therapist inquired, taking off his black-framed glasses and placing them on the desk.

"Yeah. See you next week," Harvey said, moving from the room.

"What can I do for you, Wheeler?" Harvey asked, closing the door behind him and going for the exit, only to have his step halt with the blonde's answer.

"The FBI just arrested Paula and the funders of the clinic."

"Does Donna know?" He felt bile reach his throat as he thought about Donna. It was all a bit more real. He didn't know how she would react, but he guessed she would be relieved.

"No, not yet. I think you should tell her while I let Louis know, since he's the one handling her case." Samantha suggested. She knew their relationship was rather strained, but if anyone could support each other during this time, it would be Donna and Harvey.

"Fill me in on everything. I'm on my way to her place right now."

I'll try to picture me without you but I can't

'Cause we could be Immortals, Immortals

Just not for long, for long

And live with me forever now

(Immortals - Fall out boys)

It was a beautiful day. Not chilly, not hot. The bright blue sky carried a warmth similar to a mother's hug which didn't match the dread creeping in Donna's chest. The light painted and stung her skin as she covered herself from and the outside world and the rays of sun coming through the window of her apartment. Five more minutes, she thought, but the bang, bang, bang on her door woke her up before she was ready to leave out of bed. Sighing, she pushed the duvet aside, wrapped her warm body in the cold silk of her robe and went for the door.

Tousled red hair met spiky, messy, dirty blond.

Donna beamed at the sheepish demeanor Harvey adorned at her doorstep and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Can I come in?" He scratched the back of his head as he took her in. She had bags under her eyes, but even with a tired expression, she looked utterly beautiful to him.

"Sure," she stepped back and stared at her bare feet, too exhausted to even acknowledge the fact she heard him bang his wife/her kidnaper. "Do you want something to drink?"

"A cup of coffee?" She nodded at his request and went to her kitchen. "Why are you here, Harvey?"

"Samantha called me," he told her while she had her back to him, starting to brew some coffee.

"Oh?"

"They arrested Paula and the people who funded the clinic." Harvey stated fast, as if ripping off a band-aid.

Donna stiffened, and suddenly there was a sound of broken glass. Harvey stared at the broken shards and went to her in a hurry.

She kept her head down, staring at the broken shattered pot. He turned her shaky, bloody hands and saw a deep cut on her palm.

"Christ, Donna!" He said, turning on the tap water and putting her hand under the running water, grabbing a clean dish cloth on his side and then wrapping her palm with it to stop the blood. "We should go to the ER."

"N-no," she responded just above a whisper.

"Come on. I'll grab your coat," he motioned her to the door, not listening to her.

"No. I just…" she gasped, "I need to sit down for a second." Donna went for her couch with wobbly legs, almost stumbling on her coffee table.

"Donna, I really think you need stitches." Harvey took a seat next to her with a frown, far enough not to touch her, but enough to do so if she allowed him. "Come on. I'll grab your coat," he motioned again to the door, not listening to her.

"It's fine. It's not hurting. I'm actually feeling… nothing." Donna stared at her palm, not knowing what to do. Her hands were shaking and her whole body seemed to not respond properly. All she could do was sit and stare at her digits, while her bones trembled with every breath she took.

"You're crying." Harvey gasped when he saw the tears running down her flushed cheeks.

She lifted her injured hand to touch her face, noticing he was indeed right. She was crying.

"I don't know why." She leveled her gaze, sharing a weak smile with the man beside her, only to stare at her injured hand once more.

His heart ached for the woman who was a part of him, but all he could do was shed a few tears of his own. He reached for the hand that wasn't hurt resting on her lap and gave it a gentle squeeze. Sparks flew between their intertwined hands, awaking feelings that should have been buried two years ago but weren't.

Sensing her breath falter with his proximity, Harvey cleared his throat and motioned to release her grasp, only to find her not letting go of his hand.

"Please," she whispered as a plea. "I don't feel anything." With a breath caught in her throat she managed to explain further, "the only thing I feel is this." She lifted their joined hands between them and dropped again.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, just letting their tears clean their sorrows away. As if their saltines matched the oceans and their worries could be carried away with the waves, caused by the fall of a single drop.

"I wanted the pain to go away so badly that I… I thought about... you don't know how close I came to..." he stumbled over the admission with a heavy breath.

"W-what?" Donna faced him wide eyed, tightening her grip on his hand and reaching out to touch his forearm with her uninjured one.

"Before you say anything, just let me finish," he sighed, gathering the strength he seemed to gather from her presence alone. "I didn't want to go on, but I heard your voice and you said you didn't want me to do that. And then I went on and lived a mediocre life while you were being tortured, and I blame myself for it because I should've known. I should've fought to find you because I felt you in every cell of my being. And even being locked away, you managed to save me, but I wasn't able to do the same for you." He breathed after his outburst, finally looking into the pool of her eyes that always seemed to fill him with life. "What I'm trying to say is that I am so, so very sorry for not fighting, for not being worthy of you."

Donna shook her head slightly. "At first I blamed you but then I realized that I didn't and I don't need you to be the hero. No one could've known where I was," besides Paula and the people at the clinic, she thought. "But you were right when you said I would never want you to hurt yourself. And the thought of you doing it because of me…" She stumbled on her words, not being able to fathom what he went through.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that… I just want to tell you that I know what you heard, but it meant nothing. She's to blame for everything we went through. But that's not the only reason my marriage with her is over."

"Are you sure, Harvey? Because I heard you two and… I'm not sure you're ready to let her go."

"No. What you heard was bullshit," he shook his head. "I feel sick even thinking about it and I think I acted in the moment. I don't know precisely why I didn't act differently, but it wasn't because I still had feelings for her, because I don't. What I feel for her is just disgust."

Donna sighed and looked at his phone that was sitting at the coffee table. Its ringing caused her heart to leap inside her chest, and it made her think of how much more news they could receive in a day.

Feeling some tension building in his shoulders, Harvey stood to answer the caller. He listened to the person on the other end of the line and just uttered an "I'll be there".

Hearing his words, Donna lifted her gaze to look at him, meeting frustration in the form of a frown.

"It's okay if you need to..." Donna tried to say, only to be cut off.

"It wasn't. It was Paula."

Donna's eyes widened at the mention of the name that caused her stomach to do a somersault.

"She thinks I'll represent her, but I'm filing for an annulment and that's all I have to say to her." Given their last encounter, he knew it would only be natural for her to employ him as her lawyer.

So much grief was written in his eyes that Donna wondered if he didn't love his wife, after all. However, he had to be the one to acknowledge his feelings. It wasn't her job to lay them out for him, nor decide their future for them. It had to be his decision to either leave his wife or not. Plus, she wasn't even sure of what would happen to their relationship if he were to end his marriage. Would they ignore the feelings they had for one another like all the years she was his secretary? If those feelings were to be acknowledged, would they then be together? She didn't want to think of the possibilities, for they were just her longing heart trying to hold on to hope, and that was only bound to bring her more pain. So instead of voicing her insecurities, she nodded and led him to the door.

"Will you be okay with everything?" She asked.

"I will."

She opened the door and his heart sank when he stepped out of her apartment. It took all his strength not to take her in his arms right there and then, but it wasn't their time so he did what he could.

"Go to the hospital, check out that hand, please." He urged.

"I'll just change… and I'll see you later, okay?" Donna lifted her gaze to look at him, meeting frustration in the form of a frown while she tried to ignore the throb in her hand.

"See you later."

…

Harvey entered the interrogation room and saw Paula's teary face. She was not cuffed to the table and relief washed over her expression when she saw her husband.

"Sweetheart, thank God you're here. You're not going to believe -"

"Cut the bullshit, Paula. I've seen the videos and all the evidence against you. I just came here to deliver you this," Harvey snapped, and threw the folder he was carrying on the steel table in front of her.

The blonde bit her tongue and stared at the object in front of her.

"I don't know what you're talking about, babe." She pretended to be clueless; her eyes not meeting his betraying her resolve. "And what is this? A petition for what?" She asked, not really understanding what the first sentence on the papers meant.

"I filed for an annulment," he explained almost matter-of-factly, making her eyes widen and glisten. "You see, Paula, I thought you were a completely different person. I thought you were kind, compassionate, patient and a good person, but you fooled me." Harvey shook his head and a bitter smirk tainted his tired features. "What do they say? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

"Aren't you going to let me say anything?" Paula shouted as she saw him moving to the door.

He didn't want to hear her voice or look at her piercing blue eyes.

"What could you possibly have to say?" Harvey uttered with a strained voice.

"Her life was a small price to pay," Paula straightened her back and looked at Harvey straight in the eyes. Her once shocked expression was replaced with a challenging one.

"What did you just say to me?" Harvey spoke with a hint threat, daring her to say what she had to say. His heart was hammering fast against his chest. He wanted to be the one to give her the papers of the annulment, but he was starting to regret his choice.

"Her life for the life of millions," Paula said as if it was obvious. "There's no progress without collateral damage. Unfortunately, some people have to pay so others can thrive."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Harvey was disturbed by her reasoning. Not only was she admitting to hurting Donna, but she also believed she did it for a greater good.

"Our study would improve the lives of millions of people. We could have helped soldiers who suffer from PTSD and we could have erased the minds of criminals and given them a new life and made them better people."

"You helped Charles erase Donna's mind and made her stab a guy in the stomach! How the fuck were you making anyone a better person?"

"We had to test towards the other direction too," Paula shrugged. "So we could prevent the study from falling into the wrong hands. And we were doing great before there was a security breach and some of our specimens got out. Donna was one of them and that's why they abandoned her project. She was so promising. We were able to erase her memory, preserve her innate abilities and control her actions." Paula spoke with pride and wonderment.

Bile rose in his throat as he saw the woman he married talking about hurting people as if it was her job and nothing else. She was proud of her work and he couldn't understand how someone's mind could be so twisted."You actually believe you were doing something good." His sentence was more a realization than a question as bewilderment and disgust dressed his tone.

"You don't know enough about our project to have an opinion about it," she said with a shrug."But I love you," Paula declared after a few moments of silence filled with tension and sadness. "I left the project because I realized you wouldn't forgive me if you knew."

"You got the forgiveness part right. I will never forgive you." Harvey's last sentence cut through her heart and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

Harvey couldn't fathom the fact she believed she was doing something good to the world. So much so, he wasn't even able to argue with her. He left her there, then, with the papers that ended their story as a couple and to deal alone with the consequences of her actions.

A/N: Tell me what you think? Your comments keep me going and I'd love to know if I should keep posting.